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  1. #1
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    Default 2012 motivational self-loathing thread

    This is the thread where you intellectually hate yourself in order to become a better person.

    By that I mean I'm really disappointed in how I lived this past year. I fucked shit up.

    By which I mean I didn't do shit how I needed to or how I wanted to.

    (Honestly I've had about 8 beers at this point in the night so please bear with me.)

    Some people like to start off the new year with resolutions & hopeful dreams-- I disagree.

    I prefer to look back at all the infinite ways I've been a big piece of shit, see the most deeply evil part of my existence, & then come up w/ a creative solution to depart from that.

    Yet it's hard to say what exactly I DID wrong, really. I mean I'm not sure how I could retroactively alter my lifestyle in any broad way in order to live better. It's hard to pinpoint exact areas of life in which I fucked up, since I think I'm basically done with that kind of personal growth.

    So I'll just list everything about me that's shitty.

    I hate that I'm such a basically worthless, consumptive person. All I do is consume resources.

    I looked on google images last night for pictures of starving people. It's so fucking horrifying to think how much you consume while other people get barely anything or less. & what do I do with it? At most create some interesting works of art, but does that help anybody to eat?

    I used to dream of joining the Peace Corps or something similar, devoting my life to helping in the simplest, least complicated hand-to-mouth way, feeding people directly. I could make direct impact on people's lives. & it's not about me-- in this dream I sink into the background, I become part of something more important. I used to think about this all the time-- living in Africa with some kind of organization, helping the hungry. It's not that I had a savior complex-- I just wanted to get beyond the ridiculous selfishness I up to that point understood life in modern America to be.

    I'm not sure why I gave up on that dream. Maybe it was once I became more fully integrated into the human community when I was around 19 or 20 or so... but who gives a fuck? Nothing came from that other than a few shallow friends. I never cared about friends as a kid, why should I care now?

    Also, I've let my musical ambitions slip. I used to imagine conquering the global music world with my ingenuity. I still think I could do it. I know I can write better pop songs than almost everyone who's out there-- I could do it right now, I think. But it's like I'm always stowing away for something better. It's like I'm always hiding away. I always tell myself it's just until I'm ready & know enough but really, when is that?

    I feel so useless & worthless about what I've done in my life. Maybe I've completely wasted my life. Well not completely. But I do feel I've taken some wrong turns lately.

    BUT WHERE???? It seems it's all in the mind. Some people never even think about this stuff. Some people never question whether their life's been for good or bad, whether anything they did has ever come to good fruition. In the eyes of reality, it's meaningless. Every day good people die, bad people live on.

    I've given up on changing the (semi-sarcastically) evil course of life but I still think I could do some kind of good.

    So I resolve to live more mindfully this year & do better than before-- or I would resolve that, if this were a resolutions thread.

    But this is a progressive self-loathing thread-- so...

    WHAT ABOUT YOURSELVES DO YOU REALLY HATE?
    RCUAI
    ---------
    "Man is free, but his freedom ceases when he has no faith in it."

  2. #2
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    Well I both despise myself and love myself. I'm perhaps a piece of animate excrement floating in an abyss between schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder. Some parts of the day I hate myself, some parts of the day I love myself. Usually these are isolated sections to each other but on occasion they converge, where I go between one or the other, which is occasionally comical and occasionally horrible (depending on what I am doing that particular moment.) However in the miniscule amount of Te understanding I have generated in a quarter of a century of consuming resources and being my own minor contributor to the eventual heat death of the universe I understand the self-hatred is borne from my failure to achieve.

    I consider myself an abortion which wasn't aborted because I'm just that incompetent in everything. I have failed at being true to my ideals, as I have become older I care less about my ideals and I move into a poorly illuminated area of apathy and misantrophy (being heartless too.) What's worse I don't really care too much either, I just observe its change like you would observe a slug gradually sliding across in front of your path, leaving a putrid trail you would rather not think about.

    Instead I whine about my lack of intellectual prowess. I despise being a feeler but to remain consistent with the initial premise I occasionally love being a feeler and I occasionally love it and hate it more or less at the same time. I envy thinkers but often pity them. I don't why I do which is perhaps another failing, I look into my mind and realise I see likewise. Likewise I know little, so much makes so little sense. I guess I want to understand not for the sake of knowledge but because I want to serve a fucked up narcissistic, messianic complex of saving the human race; usually fantasies of getting it into space or something, conquering the Orion-Cygnus arm and installing a sufficient yet ultimately unsatisfactory (and poorly thought out) post-scarcity society for the human race in the otherwise unwelcoming depths of deep space. As I result I whine and self-loathe, wishing I was born in another shell whilst I rot away in this one.

    I'm seen as a liability and I see myself as one. My fuck ups of 2011 include: Failing to get fired from my job (despite being threatened with being fired and receiving several disciplinaries!) so I can go off and live in the woods or a cave as a hermit. Failing to conceive of a plan for the above point and failing to conceive of a plan to climb out of my small niche lined with my own crap to make something of my life and getting caught and disciplined for playing Solitaire at work (which wasn't part of the "plan" to get fired at all!) Other than work and the above points above, the sensation that I'm a year older and that I'm crawling towards my 25th birthday this year, still wallowing in teenage angst and the legacy of teenage failings, farting and belching in my chair to the dismay of those around me and still waking up sometimes feeling like my head is a bubble full of no tangible thought or good idea, an unfortunate paradigm of genetic or social inferiority.

    Oh and not knowing what to do with my life. 2012 will either see me sliding further into the cold pile of shit my legs have found themselves stuck in or maybe me climbing out, perhaps licking it off in a moment of twisted pleasure and crawl out towards something else which isn't quite so....stinky.

    There, hope I did that right.

  3. #3
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    I got all stressed and neurotic yesterday, and I want to never do that again. It's pretty rare for me anymore though--I'm typically in the mode of taking care of "important" rather than "urgent" things, and I hate being stuck taking care of the latter. At least I didn't take it out on other people.

    I need more consistency in my life, with a more regimented and disciplined schedule. It's good for the health!

  4. #4
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Our Te is not really our most helpful guide, eh?

    In its rough shod, course way, it passes a very elementary, negative judgement upon our laughable efforts and says FAIL. But I here you guys and agree and often feel a sense of great disappointment at my efforts-a sense of failure inspite of the things I suceed at.

  5. #5
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Standuble View Post
    [...]
    I feel literally everything you're saying in this post.

    &, not that I presume to have the answers for anybody, but I'll share a little concept I use to motivate me toward making the most of my stupid life.

    Imagine the afterlife is watching a movie of your life on a continuous replay. You're alone with yourself, the reality you made for yourself with your actions, moment by moment. But you're not always alone-- others can join you in watching it, they can come in from their own viewing rooms for a break in between bouts of watching their own movies, watching their own successes & failures panning out cinematically. So the question is, is this something I want people to see?

    I.e, the point of life is to create a good movie.

    It clears up a lot of the existential fog you can wind up in. A lot of fear dwindles away.

    Is it going to make for a good movie for me to be stuck so pitifully on my own failings that I can't actively live-- that I can't act benevolently on the opportunities that flow infinitely toward me, every second?

    Probably not.

    Is it going to make for a good movie to be continuously folding back into my own past, reliving old injuries-- afraid of the shadows of yesterday?

    Is it going to make for a good movie to waste hours, days, years oscillating between effete longing for something that will never come & exquisite disgust at myself for wanting something impossible?

    Probably not. So, in the end, past a certain point of it being necessary, fuck that shit.
    RCUAI
    ---------
    "Man is free, but his freedom ceases when he has no faith in it."

  6. #6
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FunnyDigestion View Post
    I feel literally everything you're saying in this post.

    &, not that I presume to have the answers for anybody, but I'll share a little concept I use to motivate me toward making the most of my stupid life.

    Imagine the afterlife is watching a movie of your life on a continuous replay. You're alone with yourself, the reality you made for yourself with your actions, moment by moment. But you're not always alone-- others can join you in watching it, they can come in from their own viewing rooms for a break in between bouts of watching their own movies, watching their own successes & failures panning out cinematically. So the question is, is this something I want people to see?

    I.e, the point of life is to create a good movie.

    It clears up a lot of the existential fog you can wind up in. A lot of fear dwindles away.

    Is it going to make for a good movie for me to be stuck so pitifully on my own failings that I can't actively live-- that I can't act benevolently on the opportunities that flow infinitely toward me, every second?

    Probably not.

    Is it going to make for a good movie to be continuously folding back into my own past, reliving old injuries-- afraid of the shadows of yesterday?

    Is it going to make for a good movie to waste hours, days, years oscillating between effete longing for something that will never come & exquisite disgust at myself for wanting something impossible?

    Probably not. So, in the end, past a certain point of it being necessary, fuck that shit.


    i always had a similar idea, of everyone watching your life after you die. and all that truth being exposed. it's sort of a compelling idea in that auto-wreck, you-can't-look-away kind of way.

    i also like the idea of living for a good story. because it makes sense in the big picture.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by bologna View Post
    I need more consistency in my life, with a more regimented and disciplined schedule. It's good for the health!
    Hmm. Well, bollocks to this. I had it for about a week, which was enough to remind me why I never stuck with it.

    The thing about a consistent sleep schedule is that it doesn't allow you to adjust to what you need or want on a particular day. I tried to go out at night while having woken up early that day, and I'm not able to take naps. That didn't work well for me at all. I am having to catch up on rest today, which throws my sleep schedule off anyway.

    There is a balance to be struck. I need a bit of consistency, but not so much as it feels constraining.

  8. #8
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    I fail to see how flagellating yourself is going to help you succeed in the coming year. I think it's better to figure out a way to move past the allure of self-loathing and learn to accept ourselves... foibles, imperfections, lost dreams, and all.

    The year is still fresh, with hardly any footprints in it. I think it's better to pump yourself up for the coming challenges and remind yourself that you aren't perfect and that you CAN change things for yourself and for the better.

  9. #9
    Feline Member kelric's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    I fail to see how flagellating yourself is going to help you succeed in the coming year.


    Had to be said. Being objective enough about your actions and life to see the bad as well as the good is a good thing, but beating yourself up isn't going to do much. If nothing else it'll put you in a lousy frame of mind -- which will tend to sour even your successes.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  10. #10
    Senior Member BAJ's Avatar
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    I think I've had enough negativity for a lifetime...

    I can wade through the shame better now.

    I'm feeling good. Things are looking up. Good things are happening.

    I think it's easy to remember the bad. I thought of making a journal where I just write down all the good stuff so that I remember it. According to my historical account, it looks very negative. I'm trying to edit the history by changing the present with focus on the future.

    I have certain strengths, and these have more leverage.

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