This is the thread where you intellectually hate yourself in order to become a better person.
By that I mean I'm really disappointed in how I lived this past year. I fucked shit up.
By which I mean I didn't do shit how I needed to or how I wanted to.
(Honestly I've had about 8 beers at this point in the night so please bear with me.)
Some people like to start off the new year with resolutions & hopeful dreams-- I disagree.
I prefer to look back at all the infinite ways I've been a big piece of shit, see the most deeply evil part of my existence, & then come up w/ a creative solution to depart from that.
Yet it's hard to say what exactly I DID wrong, really. I mean I'm not sure how I could retroactively alter my lifestyle in any broad way in order to live better. It's hard to pinpoint exact areas of life in which I fucked up, since I think I'm basically done with that kind of personal growth.
So I'll just list everything about me that's shitty.
I hate that I'm such a basically worthless, consumptive person. All I do is consume resources.
I looked on google images last night for pictures of starving people. It's so fucking horrifying to think how much you consume while other people get barely anything or less. & what do I do with it? At most create some interesting works of art, but does that help anybody to eat?
I used to dream of joining the Peace Corps or something similar, devoting my life to helping in the simplest, least complicated hand-to-mouth way, feeding people directly. I could make direct impact on people's lives. & it's not about me-- in this dream I sink into the background, I become part of something more important. I used to think about this all the time-- living in Africa with some kind of organization, helping the hungry. It's not that I had a savior complex-- I just wanted to get beyond the ridiculous selfishness I up to that point understood life in modern America to be.
I'm not sure why I gave up on that dream. Maybe it was once I became more fully integrated into the human community when I was around 19 or 20 or so... but who gives a fuck? Nothing came from that other than a few shallow friends. I never cared about friends as a kid, why should I care now?
Also, I've let my musical ambitions slip. I used to imagine conquering the global music world with my ingenuity. I still think I could do it. I know I can write better pop songs than almost everyone who's out there-- I could do it right now, I think. But it's like I'm always stowing away for something better. It's like I'm always hiding away. I always tell myself it's just until I'm ready & know enough but really, when is that?
I feel so useless & worthless about what I've done in my life. Maybe I've completely wasted my life. Well not completely. But I do feel I've taken some wrong turns lately.
BUT WHERE???? It seems it's all in the mind. Some people never even think about this stuff. Some people never question whether their life's been for good or bad, whether anything they did has ever come to good fruition. In the eyes of reality, it's meaningless. Every day good people die, bad people live on.
I've given up on changing the (semi-sarcastically) evil course of life but I still think I could do some kind of good.
So I resolve to live more mindfully this year & do better than before-- or I would resolve that, if this were a resolutions thread.
But this is a progressive self-loathing thread-- so...
WHAT ABOUT YOURSELVES DO YOU REALLY HATE?