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  1. #21
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sparrow View Post
    I usually express my anger in a mature manner by discussing the issue and talking about feelings shmeelings , I also try to be tactful so people don’t get riled up. Maybe I am too forgiving…and the issues are left unresolved sometimes which then later causes an explosion. What set me off this time you ask….GUESS!!! - My ENTP man…he seems to be the only one in my life right now that really knows how to push my buttons! We were having a discussion so I came up with a resolution and presented it to him...the thing that triggered my anger was in this exchange:

    Me: (In a positive way) “It’s a Win/Win for both of us!”
    Him: (In an asshole kind of way) “NO, it’s a Win for you!”

    That’s when I went berserko. I was so angry because my resolution really was a good one, it was all about compromise and teamwork, it totally made sense! I felt that he was being really irrational and selfish, it was like he didn’t understand or wasn’t listening to me. It really got me frustrated. He tried to make me seem like "the bad guy". HOW DARE HE!
    Deep emotions can be triggered when something happens that represents an ongoing struggle. When I read this I wondered if you might have repeatedly found yourself extending more effort to create compromise in relationships with people than they recognize in you or attempt on their end. If the other person is calibrated to approach conflict as two selfish perspectives that have to compromise out in the open and in discussion, then your inner compromise ends up unrecognized. Some people may have zero concept that a person can work out a compromise from multiple perspective inside their own head, and just assume everyone has to start out selfish if they are invested in the conflict and its resolution. It is common for people to not hear what is being said during conflict and perceive everything in a distorted way that fits whatever their patterns for conflict have been in the past.

    Some people excel at pushing buttons during conflict. We all have emotional fault-lines in our brains, areas of vulnerability that can be triggered when upset. It also helps to become aware of what our own areas of vulnerability are, so that it can be recognized when someone starts pushing those buttons. People have to want to change their conflict styles in order for it to happen, so it's hard to know how to correct something like you describe, except maybe to wait to present your solution until more of his emotions have dissipated and so he isn't into the rut of assuming that a partner will present a selfish solution during conflict.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  2. #22
    Senior Member Survive & Stay Free's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sparrow View Post
    I flipped out early today...and wrecked my living room. Fillped over the table, threw shit everywhere, including my only pair of glases. Do I need anger management classes? I don't feel like I do because I usually handle things pretty well. I'm usually very patient, calm, and reasonable. But every once in a blue moon something triggers a crazy rage within me . I feel so down right now. What do I do? What is my problem? Can any one relate or give me some advice?
    What would your expectation of anger management be?

  3. #23
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    yeah um, i find it very hard not to piss off enfj's...its very annoying how they take everything so personal...toughen up, and dont take out your anger on your loved ones...its been the bane of my existence for a very long time...

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by i need attention View Post
    yeah um, i find it very hard not to piss off enfj's...its very annoying how they take everything so personal...toughen up, and dont take out your anger on your loved ones...its been the bane of my existence for a very long time...
    Everything, huh? Are you pissed? Because your post sounds backwards like *you* have taken it personally and are unfairly lashing out at ENFJ's now.

  5. #25
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    *ducks*

    Did he win from his perspective or yours?
    I lived with an ENTJ BF for a while, it was the worst time of my life. Only love that ENJ "I'm helping you" perspective from a distance. I'm very skeptical.

    Edit: He also used to become very angry if I didn't want to follow through with his plans.
    I dunno maybe he was under stress too so he didn’t care to “work things out” at the time??? I am learning that timing really does matter ☺.

    As for your ENTJ boyfriend, I don’t think you should throw ENFJ’s & ENTJ’s ways of doing things in one basket. We have a different order of cognitive functions. Your comments rubbed me the wrong way because of that.

    I don’t always get angry when things don’t go my way. I actually find myself sacrificing things that I want/feel more often then not to make him happy.


    Quote Originally Posted by Ginkgo View Post
    In my experience, women can get away with winning in more situations than men can. Why not?

    Please tell me it splattered all over him. Not that I have anything against him. I just need to hear tales of burrito splatter.
    See response above….I don’t always win. And yes it did splatter on him and all over the place too…..FOOD FIGHT!!!! Yes!! Oops…


    Quote Originally Posted by fia View Post
    Deep emotions can be triggered when something happens that represents an ongoing struggle. When I read this I wondered if you might have repeatedly found yourself extending more effort to create compromise in relationships with people than they recognize in you or attempt on their end. If the other person is calibrated to approach conflict as two selfish perspectives that have to compromise out in the open and in discussion, then your inner compromise ends up unrecognized. Some people may have zero concept that a person can work out a compromise from multiple perspective inside their own head, and just assume everyone has to start out selfish if they are invested in the conflict and its resolution. It is common for people to not hear what is being said during conflict and perceive everything in a distorted way that fits whatever their patterns for conflict have been in the past.

    Some people excel at pushing buttons during conflict. We all have emotional fault-lines in our brains, areas of vulnerability that can be triggered when upset. It also helps to become aware of what our own areas of vulnerability are, so that it can be recognized when someone starts pushing those buttons. People have to want to change their conflict styles in order for it to happen, so it's hard to know how to correct something like you describe, except maybe to wait to present your solution until more of his emotions have dissipated and so he isn't into the rut of assuming that a partner will present a selfish solution during conflict.
    Thank you for your thoughtful response I really appreciate it, its right on the money! My boyfriend and I definitely have different styles of communicating, I guess next time I reach a boiling point I will just walk away and breathe for a moment.

    We have had an ongoing struggle with a certain thing….I don’t want to talk it about here because its way too personal. We have been working on it for years, it hasn’t been resolved 100% and its still a work in progress but we are progressing which is good ☺!!! The problem is serious, and I haven’t given up yet.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lark View Post
    What would your expectation of anger management be?
    To teach people communication skills I guess? Generally I do have great communication skills in tough situations so I feel that it would be useless to attend anger management classes. Or would it be helpful? I dunno!

    Quote Originally Posted by i need attention View Post
    yeah um, i find it very hard not to piss off enfj's...its very annoying how they take everything so personal...toughen up, and dont take out your anger on your loved ones...its been the bane of my existence for a very long time...
    You are right, ENFJ’s are sensitive, but I don’t always take my own anger out on others, its usually bottled up inside which is probably what my problem is! Sorry you are having such a hard time with the ENFJ’s in your life <- there must be something wrong, maybe its time for a heart to heart talk?
    Fe | Ni | Se | Ti ... 3w4 ... Lawful Neutral ... Johari -Nohari

  6. #26
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    I once threw my phone across the room and broke it, but that's because i was on the phone with incompetent people from at&t so not sure that counts as an anger problem you'd have to be completely zen to not do that
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  7. #27
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
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    It felt good at the moment, but then you regretted it seconds later I bet. Oh lordy...we should start an NF Ultimate Fighting Competition. lol <3
    Fe | Ni | Se | Ti ... 3w4 ... Lawful Neutral ... Johari -Nohari

  8. #28
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sparrow View Post
    It felt good at the moment, but then you regretted it seconds later I bet. Oh lordy...we should start an NF Ultimate Fighting Competition. lol <3
    nah it was a piece of shit 20 dollar phone that was 3 or 4 years old, so i got a new phone and my own plan and off my parents plan
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  9. #29
    Senior Member Survive & Stay Free's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sparrow View Post
    To teach people communication skills I guess? Generally I do have great communication skills in tough situations so I feel that it would be useless to attend anger management classes. Or would it be helpful? I dunno!
    Anger management as I've become familiar with it is about reflecting on what your triggers are, knowledge of the cycles of conflict, how its possible to escalate from a base line to agitation, aggression and outburst, even an awareness of what your base line is, people have different ones and some people are in a state of constant agitation or conversely cant be roused to agitation by the most severe threat or stimuli, all that can help.

    If you've had outbursts then it can be about identifying your sources of co-regulation, who can help you regulate your affects until you recover your composure, who can help you drain off emotions and then thinking afterwards about the situation, the attendent emotions, the behaviour and then the consequences and rehearsing some alternative way of dealing with that if you find yourself in the exact same situation again. Can you depersonalise it, can you keep something positive in mind which allows you not to feel angry when you're presented with stimuli which is going to get you angered up or might you have to avoid it for the time being.

    That's all very basic and based upon my experience working with adolescents in their "life space", ie being on scene, in some kind of therapeutic alliance, although its seldom as simple as that, some of them dont want that kind of alliance or have all kinds of unconscious rationalisations why its not useful.

    What I mean to say is that perhaps you dont have an anger problem, could be stress or a character trait which is maladaptive in a certain context, I dont have enough information to even guess, what I would say is that I'm not a big fan of the "hydroylic" theories of anger and aggression, ie that its a build up and explosion resulting from stress, perhaps it can be but more often there's a lot of things in play, depth psychology for the win.

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