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  1. #61
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Not when they're afterwards being used against you...

    I agree with some of the others here. I love sincere compliments, but I dunno how to react to them very well, because I've had (insincere) compliments used against me. Made me paranoid..
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  2. #62
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    The past can definantly effect our future behaviour. I try to accept compliments, its for the other person's mind to worry if it was sincere or not.

    I also find it bad when people compliment others, it is not believed, but if people put down others its taken seriously, of course the other way round isn't good either. It's a lot down to self image and how cynical one is about people in general, person in particular or themselves, also down to confirmation bias, how you wish to see that person. As with all things, balance is healthy. This is something I say to myself aswell.

  3. #63
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    Quote Originally Posted by noigmn View Post
    Yeh same. I'm a sucker for feedback; good or bad.

    Complements are great when they are honest and sincere. When they are said to be nice they are also okay, because the intention counts. When they are said to take advantage of me, how I take them depends on whether I am attracted to you .

    Isn't a compliment always a positive?
    Hmmm. So it's ok to take advantage of you as long as you are attracted to me? That doesn't seem very healthy.

    I hate to be complimented on my appearance - it makes me self-conscious and it makes me think the other person is shallow. And I've never understood why you are supposed to say "thank you" for unsolicited compliments. It irks me. I don't want to hear it but I'm supposed to be grateful anyway? That's illogical. But if you don't say thank you, you feel like a schmuck. If you disagree, you're ungracious. Lose-lose.

    Compliments are just opinion, not useful information. A well-considered critique is a different matter.

    Mostly, I'd rather have negative feedback than positive - I can learn something. If I can't learn, it's redundant. I don't need approval for its own sake. I am the arbiter of all that is good in my world.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  4. #64
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    Quote Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post

    Compliments are just opinion, not useful information. A well-considered critique is a different matter.
    A well considered critique is better for when you view compliments and their counterparts, as a form of critical self evaluation definantly, but it depends on the recipient's mindset, will they accept objectively, or only the positive, negative bits. For me it depends on the proportionate context, not everything is about self evaluation. Sometimes you just want to tell the person you appreciate them because you do.

  5. #65
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Siegfried View Post
    A well considered critique is better for when you view compliments and their counterparts, as a form of critical self evaluation definantly, but it depends on the recipient's mindset, will they accept objectively, or only the positive, negative bits. For me it depends on the context, not everything is about self evaluation. Sometimes you just want to tell the person you appreciate them because you do.
    Yes but what if the other person doesn't want to hear it? Then it's selfish. Especially if you expect them to be grateful to boot.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  6. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
    Yes but what if the other person doesn't want to hear it? Then it's selfish. Especially if you expect them to be grateful to boot.
    In that situation, that is reasonable, there shouldn't be expectation of gratefulness. If the person is accepting, wants to hear them and its more on the light hearted side its acceptable.

  7. #67
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    "I appreciate compliments, especially since I'm so curious as to how others perceive me. (Negative comments are welcome as well, so they can sketch out an accurate portrayal.) "

    Oh, yes, I agree with this. Compliments and criticisms are communications of what others think of you or what they want you to think they think (hahaha). But a great compliment that you KNOW is off base can be embarrassing. For instance, I manage a team of two, these folks are really resentful of my position and are blatatly disrespectful to me. So I have gone out to my car, cried for a bit to let off steam, come back, cleaned up, only to run into my boss who congratulates me on how well I am handling the situation (yikes).

    Compliments from tough customers (TJs, for instance) are treaured mostly because their respect is not easy to earn. And when a dear friend or loved one spontaneously tells you what it is about you that makes you shine (for them), that's pretty great, too.

    Also, an INTJ previously posted he does not appreciate compliments about his appearance - this I understand, too. It feels like code for one of three things: "I want to have sex with you", "I think you have high status and now wish to speak with you" (yuck), or sometimes, horribly "I am competitive and jealous". If the motivation is decent, okay, but I would rather these compliments come from my wifey, friends and family, if at all.

    One more thought - I generally dislike compliments given in a group directed at a single person, whether it is me or someone else, unless it is done ARTFULLY. Singling a person out in a group, no matter how well intended, places them 'above" others in that moment, and can stir up feelings of inferiority or jealousy. For a team, this is a rotten direction.

    There is something almost humilating about singled out by a compliment in a very public situation. I guess it is obvious, too, because at my last job, I was meant to receive a quarterly award of recognition for some projects I'd worked on and apparently a friend of mine was told to stand behind me during the announcement to make sure I didn't bolt (grin). She actually had her hands on my waste (weird), and rightfully so because I jerked toward the door when it happened. Nice recognition (I was grateful), but I would have been soooo much happier had it been done in private.

    My father, a VERY strong ESTJ, would never appreciate the above sentiment. The more public recognition, the better for that one! (grin)

  8. #68
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    nocapszy, for example, my very curly hair and my eyes give me an angelic appearance, as I'm told, and it sucks, because in my head I am not this angelic, cute, cuddly wuddly girl -- I'm serious and genderless!

  9. #69
    Senior Member mlittrell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orangey View Post
    Ehrm...



    and then...



    Sorry, I know I'm being an ass. Can't help it right now, it's like six in the morning on a Saturday.
    sorry for this logical inconsistency, i wasn't aware that if i wasn't perfectly logically consistent people wouldn't understand my overall point. ill try to do better next time. what i meant to say but my obvious lack of sentence structure/logic withheld was that im torn between the two.

    "Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress. "

    "You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."

    "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

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  10. #70
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    Quote Originally Posted by Banana View Post
    "I appreciate compliments, especially since I'm so curious as to how others perceive me. (Negative comments are welcome as well, so they can sketch out an accurate portrayal.) "

    Oh, yes, I agree with this. Compliments and criticisms are communications of what others think of you or what they want you to think they think (hahaha). But a great compliment that you KNOW is off base can be embarrassing. For instance, I manage a team of two, these folks are really resentful of my position and are blatatly disrespectful to me. So I have gone out to my car, cried for a bit to let off steam, come back, cleaned up, only to run into my boss who congratulates me on how well I am handling the situation (yikes).

    Compliments from tough customers (TJs, for instance) are treaured mostly because their respect is not easy to earn. And when a dear friend or loved one spontaneously tells you what it is about you that makes you shine (for them), that's pretty great, too.

    Also, an INTJ previously posted he does not appreciate compliments about his appearance - this I understand, too. It feels like code for one of three things: "I want to have sex with you", "I think you have high status and now wish to speak with you" (yuck), or sometimes, horribly "I am competitive and jealous". If the motivation is decent, okay, but I would rather these compliments come from my wifey, friends and family, if at all.

    One more thought - I generally dislike compliments given in a group directed at a single person, whether it is me or someone else, unless it is done ARTFULLY. Singling a person out in a group, no matter how well intended, places them 'above" others in that moment, and can stir up feelings of inferiority or jealousy. For a team, this is a rotten direction.

    There is something almost humilating about singled out by a compliment in a very public situation. I guess it is obvious, too, because at my last job, I was meant to receive a quarterly award of recognition for some projects I'd worked on and apparently a friend of mine was told to stand behind me during the announcement to make sure I didn't bolt (grin). She actually had her hands on my waste (weird), and rightfully so because I jerked toward the door when it happened. Nice recognition (I was grateful), but I would have been soooo much happier had it been done in private.

    My father, a VERY strong ESTJ, would never appreciate the above sentiment. The more public recognition, the better for that one! (grin)
    You make some valid points. In my case I find myself in the spotlight, quite a lot, which was abit un-nerving for awhile, lol, so maybe I'm de-sensitised to it now. It is really hard to assess properly whats going on the other side from what I can see, especially in rare scenarios, there is only so much intuition can do, but I will take what you say into consideration in the future, definantly.

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