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  1. #1
    Senior Member BAJ's Avatar
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    Default Feeling needs for affirmation

    It seems that I communicate with someone, and I start worrying until I get some sort of affirmation that they still accept me. I send a message, and get no reply or something, then my relationship with that person is in limbo.

    Do you have this?

    What do you do about?

    Do write them again or send some kind of probe? Or do you just breathe deeply and Zen out?

    I frequently get the feeling that "nobody likes me" or "everyone thinks I'm shitty." So I stir up some affirmations, but then it only lasts until the next round of these feelings which may occur after a few days or even on the same day.

    Maybe we should just make a thread to affirm each other or at least have "group therapy" about this.

  2. #2
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    yes, but usually when i get an affirmation i think they're lying so it doesn't work
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  3. #3
    Senior Member TenebrousReflection's Avatar
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    Not all the time, but I think its an everpresent need, and when its not being fulfilled through a healthy relationship or something ike that, then I start to get the need to have some sense of feeling emotionaly supported (not nescessarily, "you are a good person", but any form of "I care"). I presume the need is still there when things are going well, it just doesnt show up in a needy (and consciously visible) form because its being fulfilled at a subconscious level then.
    (keys2cognition) Fi (47.6), Ne (36.8), Fe (36.8), Si (31.6), Ti (29.7), Ni (27.4), Te (17.2) Se (12.5) - subject to change - last updated 11JAN2012
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  4. #4
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Socializing is very difficult because everyone has different perceptions about each other, and most people have lives that are complex and require their whole focus. Continual feelings of rejection can stem from past experiences of some sort being projected onto the present. It requires a lot of trust in other people and in the value of oneself to not entertain feelings of disappointment and rejection when faced with non-response from people we wish to connect with.

    On a personal level I find people rather confusing, but find comfort in a very few close relationships and having pets who you can always count on. The feeling of other people being unresponsive, sending mixed signals, and being confusing is just a part of life I think. We have to filter out to find a few that can be counted on and work on building a trust in the integrity of our own self as a valuable and desirable human being regardless of what is happening in the external world because it can be so fickle and fleeting.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
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  5. #5
    Senior Member BAJ's Avatar
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    In general I'm pretty satisfied with "I read your message and don't think you're shitty", or something to that effect. The worst is probably total silence. That used to drive me crazy. Not so much anymore.

    Oh, by the way, I read everyone's message in this thread so far. I think you are all wonderfully helpful. Thank you for taking time to reply!

  6. #6
    morose bourgeoisie
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    BAJ, I think what you experience, the insecurity you feel in relationships, is directly related to your childhood. I feel the same way when someone doesn't respond to a message. It's a hunger for basic connection that was not met in early childhood.

  7. #7
    Vulnerability Eilonwy's Avatar
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    I THINK a lot of nice things about people, but I can be very bad about verbalizing that. I used to think that not hearing from people meant that they didn't like me, then I realized that I'm not so good at keeping in touch and I still like the people I'm not in touch with, so I quit worrying about it so much. Not to say that I don't still worry about it, but it's easier for me to tell myself that there's probably nothing to my worry and let it go.

    That said, BAJ, I don't know you very well yet, but you seem like a nice person and I enjoy reading your posts when I come across them.
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    reminder to self: "That YOU that you are so proud of is a story woven together by your interpreter module to account for as much of your behavior as it can incorporate, and it denies or rationalizes the rest." "Who's in Charge? Free Will and the Science of the Brain" by Michael S. Gazzaniga

  8. #8
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    I feel the same way, although I tend to limit it to certain people that I consider "important" to me. This insecurity has gotten much better as I have gotten older. Just remember that people are wrapped up in their own lives and when they don't respond to you, it's probably just because they are really busy.

  9. #9
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    I want to hear back from people, but only the ones I care about. I think it has to do with the level of anxiety in the relationship.

    For people I know I love and who I know love me, I feel no anxiety and don't feel bad when they don't respond. This is because I trust them deeply and know they will never try to hurt me on purpose. When I don't hear back from them, I tend to think of an excuse, like they are busy, or they didn't see the message, or they forgot about it. This isn't a conscious effort. I trust them so much that I can never imagine them being mean to me. The downside is I get very worried when I don't hear from them for a very long time and keep thinking that something bad must have happened to them.

    For people I have a one-sided relationship with (yes, they exist!), I only get a little bit sad when I don't hear from them. This includes friends far away who I really like but have lost contact with. We don't speak at all except for the occasional emails and cards. When I reach out, it's only because I want to. I expect nothing in return. In this case, I don't take silence as a rejection, because it's my action of reaching out that matters, not the result.

    For other people I don't really care about, I don't feel the anxiety. I won't mind if they never respond because I feel like I don't need their approval.

    For my bf -- I need to hear from him every day, all the time. I don't know why
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  10. #10
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    I'm on the other side of this, and I'm trying to get better. I often don't send out acknowledgement ("ok") emails or texts; I just assume that the other person assumes that I got it and, if it needs more careful review, I'll provide it when I'm ready.

    Sometimes those sorts of short "k" messages bother me and I've tended see them as mostly useless. I've tended to see others' need to have an immediate response as somewhat intrusive, that I'll get back to them when I can and dammit why are they worried about it?

    Then I realized that it's also nice to get that sort of acknowledgement from other people, if it's not too overbearing. So I've started to provide that sort of feedback to others a bit more.

    In short, 'being a black hole for communication' is probably not the best tendency because it leaves the other person hanging. It sucks to not have a reason for that 'black hole', but, often, it helps to not assume the worst.

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