[NF] NF females and an imperfect life

[tinker683]

Hello all of my darling NFs,

OK, here be my situation: Recently I've been getting involved with an NF woman (who by definition are utterly amazing ). I'm convinced she's an xNFJ just because I'm sensing strong Fe and strong Ni from her and I'm leaning more toward INFJ just because she's very shy, very reserved, and very much dislikes conflict or disturbance to her routine.

But I could be wrong.

In any event, one topic that comes up every now and then is how she feels like because her life hasn't turned out the way she wanted it too, that something that makes her less of a person. Like it makes her a "botched" woman. She hates the fact that she's 34 as she feels that prevents her from having kids (she says the risk of birth defects is too high and that she's not sure she has the energy). She's also been in a lot of bad relationships so while she remains (somewhat) hopeful that she'll meet the right, she's over all become incredible despondent that she'll never find the "right man for her".

Mind you, it's not that she doesn't press onor that she doesn't like her life the way it is. It's just there seems to be this inner gloom surrounding it, like no matter how good things are right now...they aren't quite as good they should have been.

Well I'm certainly smart enough to know that I may or may not be a "good fit" for her or not but we get along extremely well and we've both made it clear that we like each other very much. I will admit to having a somewhat difficult time relating to her feeling as I've always been of the mind that if things don't turn out the way you want them too then you either make the best with what you have and move forward or you can continue to sit there and feel miserable about yourself.

Right now my strategy is to be mercilessly and obnoxiously positive, to continue to remind her of her own value, and to be someone she can feel safe and secure with. I have no idea how well this will work but it's something I seem to do very well so I'm sticking with it right

As such, I beesch the lovely and talented NF females on TypoC to provide some insight here. Are feelings like this something any of you have dealt with? Is it something you're still dealing with and have you moved on? If you have moved beyond feelings like this, how did you do it?

Any thoughts or insight would be appreciated.

 

[Lily flower]

I think that I always struggle with some sense of being a "failure" at things, even when I logically am not. However, at her age I had been married for more than a decade and had several children. Certainly a lot of her gloom might lift at having a great relationship with you, but I wouldn't count on her changing much. So only pursue the relationship if you could live with the gloom as a part of it.

 

[Lily flower]

Another thought I had - how you perceive her "gloom" might be worse than how she perceives it. I often like to talk to my husband about something I am feeling down about and at times he has been more concerned about it than I am. I know I'm just in a funk and it will pass. But I guess it sounds pretty bad when it comes out. You might want to ask her if she feels like this all the time or if she thinks it is just how she is feeling at that particular moment.

 

[kyuuei]

Life certainly hasn't turned out the way I intended it to.. I always pictured myself married to my high school sweetheart, living on my own since the age of 20, and working at a job, if not two, that I enjoy while being done with school.

I'm 24 (and 5 months shy of being 25), live with my parents, single for most of my life, with plenty of work that I don't really like and I'm not even a quarter of the way done with schooling yet.

I think what helps for me is a positive attitude. Knowing the logical explanations behind each of those factors helps a lot, but just a general sense of positivity helps. And, like posted above, when I do complain it generally sounds a lot worse than I really feel about it.

So your plan to flood her with obnoxious positivity, to me, is a sound one.

 

[kyuuei]

It doubled for some reason :c

 

[Tiltyred]

She may be an enneagram 4.
I agree with Lily flower, only pursue this if you can live with it as it is.

 

[tinker683]

I think that I always struggle with some sense of being a "failure" at things, even when I logically am not. However, at her age I had been married for more than a decade and had several children. Certainly a lot of her gloom might lift at having a great relationship with you, but I wouldn't count on her changing much. So only pursue the relationship if you could live with the gloom as a part of it.

I can, and I would like to continue pursuing this relationship. I don't mind reminding her of her value when she needs me too.

Another thought I had - how you perceive her "gloom" might be worse than how she perceives it. I often like to talk to my husband about something I am feeling down about and at times he has been more concerned about it than I am. I know I'm just in a funk and it will pass. But I guess it sounds pretty bad when it comes out. You might want to ask her if she feels like this all the time or if she thinks it is just how she is feeling at that particular moment.

She told me it's something she feels often quite but I'm not sure if I could consider something all the time.

I'll admit to feeling much like your husband. I suppose while my concern has merit, I should consider that by feeling like I need to intervene in someway, that I'm underestimating her own inner strength. I suppose what I should do then is what ISFJs do best: Be the quiet, strong rock and be there when she needs me to be.

Life certainly hasn't turned out the way I intended it to.. I always pictured myself married to my high school sweetheart, living on my own since the age of 20, and working at a job, if not two, that I enjoy while being done with school.

I'm 24 (and 5 months shy of being 25), live with my parents, single for most of my life, with plenty of work that I don't really like and I'm not even a quarter of the way done with schooling yet.

I think what helps for me is a positive attitude. Knowing the logical explanations behind each of those factors helps a lot, but just a general sense of positivity helps. And, like posted above, when I do complain it generally sounds a lot worse than I really feel about it.

So your plan to flood her with obnoxious positivity, to me, is a sound one.

Then it's one I shall stick with

 

[xenaprincess]

If she's confiding to you, it's a good sign. I confide my true feelings to very few folks (lucky them, ha!) and when said feelings come out, they sound really...um...intense.

It really takes time to get to know someone. I agree with everyone so far. With time, you'll gain perspective. Maybe she's going thru a period of self-reflection and (at some point) self-acceptance of where she is? Who knows.

Good luck! She's lucky to find someone she can count on, who appreciates her!