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  1. #11
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    What Eileen said--the terms "clingy" and "needy" are invalidating. They are offensive. And they forge gaps where understanding could be fostered.

    Edit: But I have used those words before.. and when I did, I did not like the person AT ALL. If I were friends with this person, I would be rightfully offended, and reconsider my investment in them.

  2. #12
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eileen View Post
    I dislike the terms "clingy" and "needy" because they're really quite invalidating. "Distant" is also bad. They are relative terms, of course, but they invalidate genuine needs for emotional availability (in the case of "clingy") and space (in the case of "distant"). A person's needs shouldn't be a problem in a healthy relationship. The problem is, these things are so rarely addressed before they come irreparable. It's a pity that we have to learn from our mistakes... but I think that it would be better if the mistake were recognized as a mistake in communication and reciprocating one another's needs rather than a deficiency in ourselves.
    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    Because they desire a different level of emotional interaction?

    We have a ESTJ-ISTJ couple in our family who are always telling me and my husband that we are "unhealthily" bonded and spend too much time together!
    I dig what you guys are saying about there being two different sets of needs and agree that the label has acquired a very critical and judgmental tone. Maybe the OP doesn't view it as neediness not because he's against the LABEL and its connotations, but because he doesn't think he possesses and exhibits the traits that she's described. That's, at least, what I gathered.

    We can just dispose of labels to make it easier and ask:
    1) Do you act as though you need excessive validation and reassurance from her?
    2) Do you intend to act that way?
    3a) If you do act that way, what motivates you to act that way?
    3b) If, in your estimation, you don't act that way, or if you don't intend to act that way, what would make her think you need excessive validation and reassurance?

    Edit: just read your post.

  3. #13
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lookoutbelow84093 View Post
    Honestly im angry because I think it was just a lack of experience/understanding in my most recent relationship. I could see she was struggling with school and I wanted to be there for her. I thought SHE needed more attention so I tried to give it and that is what pushed her away... Thats why I think she sees me as "clingy." So seems as if there is some debate thought whether NFPs and SFPs can have a good relationship.
    I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that with your excessive care and concern, you communicated to her that there was something to be worried about, and instead of calming her down, you made her more worried. She labeled that as "clingy" because she just wasn't able to articulate exactly what was happening. Does that resonate with you at all? I could be off.

  4. #14
    Senior Member wedekit's Avatar
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    A lot of people have a hard time putting themselves in other people's mindset. I would say SP's aren't known for that ability. You have to tell them exactly what is going on. Otherwise, it's your problem. It makes sense if you look at from their view of life.

    According to Keirsey, SPs are looking for a playmate; someone to always be on adventure and experience new things with. In contrast, NFs are looking for a soulmate. You can see the obvious contrast in terms there. No relationship is impossible, but I would say that to avoid hurt feelings you should look for people that are more emotionally available; or at least someone who is willing to hear you out. If from the very start you notice that this isn't going to be established, don't lie to yourself and believe that it will. Some people just aren't made to connect that way and it's just a fact of life.

    I dated a guy whose needs I couldn't meet and I didn't realize it at the time. He needed someone to constantly tell him how "amazing and talented" he was (typical artist), but I never caught on because he honestly didn't do anything I thought was particularly amazing; or at least so amazing I had to tell him every 1.5 hours. I didn't realize how arrogant he was until we broke up and I stopped putting him up on a pedestal.
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  5. #15
    Member illume's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lookoutbelow84093 View Post
    Honestly im angry because I think it was just a lack of experience/understanding in my most recent relationship. I could see she was struggling with school and I wanted to be there for her. I thought SHE needed more attention so I tried to give it and that is what pushed her away... Thats why I think she sees me as "clingy." So seems as if there is some debate thought whether NFPs and SFPs can have a good relationship.
    I am middle-aged female ENFP who is married, but before that I went around the block several times with SFP men. In fact I had a very lengthy relationship with an ESFP man. Believe me when I tell you that if you are a typical NF, your soul needs nourishment and it will NOT come from an SFP relationship. They are all about fun and living in the moment. While they can be very loving at times, eventually you will feel the need for so much more. And when you get really intense and feel the need for deep discussion, or are down and out, they will not be there for you. IMO.

  6. #16
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    This is really interesting, thanks for the replies. It also makess me question a lot of things. I think humans all have general basic needs in common, love, security... but I guess I always thought of temparament as something which kind of filtered the way in which you go about achieveing that. Its almost depressing though to see how some other types live life and how INFPs (my type do). Just seems like othre types have a lot less worry and have a lot more fun and gratifying lives

  7. #17
    Senior Member chris1207's Avatar
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    It's ok look out below I'm sure that your gf has to worry about STD's harlots that SPs are.

    You should find an ENFJ or ENTJ broad btw. That would probably be your best match according to Keirsey.

  8. #18
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    Oh edahn sorry Imissed that post. It sort of does sound familiar. Actually had fun with her a lot. What I liked about it was that it was straightforward fun thats outside of my normal type. Opens up a bit of new worlds to me. Just in the moment kind of stuff. But your description does sound a little familiar.

  9. #19
    Senior Member batumi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lookoutbelow84093 View Post
    Hey all. I somehow end up dating SFs quite a bit and a recent problem with one xSFP got me thinking. This last one I think thinks im clingy. She was having a tough time with life and I was trying to be there for her and help her out. Looking back I can see how it would come off as "clingy" or "needy" and im actually kind of angry about it because thats just not me. Any way to turn this type of interaction around? When a female sees a guy in a certain way is there a way to undo that?
    I really really understand your anger. Perfectly.
    I had a very similar situation with an SFJ recently.
    Here is what I am doing about it. First, I told the person, because
    there is not a lot of time in this friendship yet.....so I was upfront and
    made it clear what my reasons were for the emotional giving I felt
    that I was doing.
    And now I am making space and keeping a small wall in place.
    (OK so I'm INFJ, what can I say?)
    And after that I am just being comfortable in the knowledge that
    I am, generally, a quite well-liked and compassionate person and
    most everyone else in my life appreciates me and enjoys me.

    There are really just two possibilities here. One - the friendship
    will last and the other person will eventually realize what you and
    I already know about ourselves - that we are not needy.
    Two - the friendship will not last and who cares what they think,
    in that case anyway?

    But I think you should give it another try if the other person is willing
    and see what happens...
    And keep in touch if you like.

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