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  1. #1
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Default Fi & Marriage - Cemented Fi & needs changed

    Always felt my Fi is very strong, perhaps even so strong that it may be warped...

    I've built so much of an identify and branded myself with certain ideals while I was single and now that I am getting married, it's like I am going against my old self, and having to do things that I always prided myself on things and forgot how it adjusts when you get married...and now it's difficult to accept.

    Let me try and explain:

    I know this will sound warped but hopefully it makes sense and no one judges or takes offense to what I am saying...

    Most all revolves around my faith. I am a Christian and try and live the lifestyle of how I am called to be. I am well into my 20s and still a virgin & am waiting until my wedding night.

    I've had it built in my mind and always made an example to my friends of what kind of life a person can have if they refrain from having sex in a relationship. All of my friends know me as the girl who doesn't have sex. hahah and I like it! I take pride in the fact that I have refrained from it after dating my fiance for 8 years! We both are virgins and our Fi is so proud of our choice.

    It's now hard for me to break that ideal. It's like I have "Sex is bad!" in my head and I now feel uncomfortable to think, holy crap, I am going to be having sex soon, and now all of a sudden it's Ok! It's right. This is what I was waiting for... but it's still like, weird for me to think that I am losing that Identity. I am losing the lesson i was trying to teach people. I am no longer different, or unique. It's hard for me to handle -- if that makes sense.
    (And for the record, I was not remaining a virgin til marriage just because "the church" says, I truly believe that it is the best choice)

    Along with this, I started taking birth control to prepare for the marriage coming up. I've never had to worry about contraceptions, obviously, and while growing up, I associated that with something I won't have to worry about since I'm holding the V-card. Now, that I started taking it, I feel embarrassed. I'm not having sex, but I am taking something that people who had sex take. It's like I never want to take the pill in front of others. I hate that I can't break this idea that it's bad when i Know it's now.... weird...

    Lastly, side note. I am having a HARD HARD HARD time realizing that I will change my last name. Again, Losing my Fi identity. Losing my ethic last name to an ethnicity that is not me. Not to mention, I really don't like my fiance's last name He is aware. But he will be heart broken if i don't take it or hyphenate. There's no other solution. I want to take his last name, for the idealistic reason, but I hate that I will be losing myself. And I can't shake this feeling.

    I just am wondering if others have had to shift their lives and lose some Fi qualities and how they've adjusted...

  2. #2
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    May I ask why you think it is bad to have sex after marriage?

    I know that you might equate sex = bad, but isn't the whole point of marriage about being forever together with the one you love, being intimate -- which is a special thing between you two -- and maybe starting a family?
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  3. #3
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Yeah like im not saying that i dont want to have it lol im just saying that it was something that was special about me that i took pride in and now i am losing that identity and i just feel weird about it, i dont think its bad after marriage, its just like i am losing apart of myself, ahhh its so hard to explain

  4. #4
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    I see what you mean. Well, you'll still be "the girl who saved herself for marriage", but I know the impact is a bit less that way.

    I just feel that although it might feel weird right now -- just because sex always feels weird in the beginning, no matter how old you are, I guess -- soon you'll get used to it and start to redefine yourself and your identity in a new way, embracing your intimacy in marriage as part of your new identity.

    I used to be quite rigid with my self-image. I thought I was a certain way and would never behave 'out of character' But I'm starting to realize that life is much more fulfilling when you allow yourself to grow and morph and change. You won't lose your identity. The core you is still you. But you will start to see the world, and yourself in it, with added depth of understanding and richness of emotions.
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  5. #5
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    ^^ I like that!

  6. #6
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    I wish you wouldn't peg this as "Fi".... Fi goes past this, deep to the heart of a matter, to judge what is actually important in the large scheme of life. Values, identity, etc, is not about a specific, external classification when you evaluate that way. If anything, this sounds like weak Te rearing its head, needing to create neat little tags for everything to be orderly. Why are classifying yourself based on whether you have sex or not? Why is this your image? Is an action about surface appearance or it's greater significance? I take it this is about faith, spirituality, morality, independence, etc, not really about chasteness or names. Is any of this lost with a change of circumstances, or is it just changing its face? If no one knew any of these things about you, would it change your values or your identity? You've felt the need to assert your values to others to make them real (ie. being known for being a virgin), which is not Fi because it requires some external form to validate it.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

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  7. #7
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    To me, this is something that is deep and goes past anything surface level. I am trying to withhold that I am a little bothered that you are trying to tell me that this has nothing to do with who I am at the core of my person. This is WHO I am. This quality about me that I value and that I would base my relationships on is something more than a label or a nametag. It is my being. It goes deep into my faith. Deep into me. I am not classifying myself based on this. It is something that has been apart of my witnessing to others and lifestyle. It's, in a way, going to change who I am. Something I take pride in. Something I care about, and all of a sudden, I have to grasp that I am losing apart of myself that I really loved. I'm not saying sex is wrong, I am just saying that I care so much more about this ideal than it just being an act, that is weird to think that all of a sudden, it won't be apart of me anymore. It's very significant to me.

    If no one knew about this about me, it wouldn't matter. It's not like I ran around with a virginity t-shirt on. It was something that I let people know whom I felt like it could help them. 13 year old girls dropping their pants the minute a guy gives them attention. My best friends ruining relationship after relationship because of getting into it way to quickly. My friends having pregnancy scares every month. Men that I would potentially date... I didn't hang out at abortion clinics or yell at my friends having sex. It wasn't like that.

    Please don't get the impression that I would force this upon others, it was one of those things that I knew would work for me, and i could see the patterns in some people's relationships that their sex life was getting in the way of actually knowing their partner.

    Hopefully, this clears things up a bit.

  8. #8
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    The way you're feeling now is why I think waiting until marriage is an absolutely horrible idea (well, among many other reasons). You've made it into this HUGE thing in your mind. But hey, that's your choice of course.

    On another note, you don't actually have to take your husband's name, regardless of what he tells you. It doesn't make you into a heathen feminist or whatever, and it doesn't make your marriage any less special or the paperwork any more complicated (often easier, in fact). Have you tried talking to him about it? Something like "I'm really sad about losing the history behind my name - why is it important to you that I change it?"
    -end of thread-

  9. #9
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Randomnity View Post
    On another note, you don't actually have to take your husband's name, regardless of what he tells you. It doesn't make you into a heathen feminist or whatever, and it doesn't make your marriage any less special or the paperwork any more complicated (often easier, in fact). Have you tried talking to him about it? Something like "I'm really sad about losing the history behind my name - why is it important to you that I change it?"
    Yeah, I have. He understands where I am coming from, and I understand where he is coming from. His way of thinking is the children and their last names. And that he wants to pass on his last name. He also takes a little offense that I don't like it hahah. we've been dating for a long long time, so it's something I knew would come up. Even if we hyphenated it, my new hyphenated last name would still be hideous and too too long hahah, either way, it's something I will have to just embrace and learn to love. Just hard to adjust, I sometimes feel like I'm the other one who is worried about something like this and looking for validation haha

  10. #10
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    more options

    - your kids (if any) can still have his name without you needing to change yours. these days it's common enough to be unlikely to cause a fuss anywhere, although I suppose ymmv depending where you live. or they could have your name, if you're worried about it matching. I'm not sure why his preference to pass on his name trumps yours, aside from tradition.

    - you can create a new last name for both of you, either merging the two names into something shorter or coming up with a completely new name. much less messy than hyphenation. some people love this idea, some people hate it, but it is an option.
    -end of thread-

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