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  1. #21
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    I think it's important to remember that you're not losing a piece of yourself. You're completing the circle. You're not "the girl who doesnt have sex".. you're the girl who has waited for the right moment.

    I'd also suggest doing some counseling.. It is very likely that you won't cope with the idea of not being a virgin anymore well. I'm not saying you won't.. it could be that you go, "Finally, I did this.. and its awesome. and now the rest of my life can be spent happily with this man." But there is a chance that it is going to give you some anguish. It is a huge change--going from openly being a virgin to even secretly knowing you're not one anymore.

    But. You're not breaking your rules or your personal values by having sex on the right night for you. Being innocent as a kid is awesome--and I loved those times of my life so much.. but I'm not innocent anymore. I had to step forward past it--so it's a fond memory for me, being oblivious to the darker aspects of the world. There was a real, and very viable normal place for you as a virgin in your life.. but to keep yourself from walking forward would be to change your values. You'd no longer be waiting for your wedding night--you'd simply not want sex.. and that opens up a whole other world of questions.

    I'm happy you've found someone to share such a special moment with, and I wish you two the best. If you find yourself struggling with it still though, I'd highly suggest just talking a few times with a sex counselor.. So that when the night comes it's carefree and special..

    THANK YOU

  2. #22
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Samvega View Post
    To first address the middle statement, I have never seen this in an ENFP and I know A LOT of them! I would very seriously do some research into INFPs, I'm not saying you are one as you know you better than I do but looking into it may help you understand yourself better if you decide it is a fit. I know A LOT of INFP virgins (and vegetarians), it's fairly common for them and fairly rare for ENFPs so I would give that some thought.
    I've taken the test many times and I always score very high on the ENFP scale. I used to be way more Extraverted (use to test 90+) but now I am testing around 70% now. I don't think I could be one if I am so much more extraverted. Also, I have met one other INFP, and man alive, he is INTENSE. I've seen Te-Bitchslaps that I have never even came close to passing out. I just don't see similarities with him. What do you see about this situation that could make me INFP? Just the fact that I'm a virgin or something more?

    The first and last statement are pretty redundant, this is part of choosing a fear based faith, Christianity has totally warped our sense of sex in a very unhealthy way in the US, it's a sad truth but there is so much quilt and fear and so on around something so wonderful that God (if that's your belief) has given us. To the point that we have 20 something virgins fearing having sex.
    This is what I feared when I wrote this topic. I want to make this VERY clear....
    The church has done NOTHING to brainwash my decision, I do not fear that I would burn eternally in Hell for having sex, I am not TRICKED into choosing this lifestyle because people "tell" me to. I do it because I truly believe it is God intended. It is how a relationship can bloom properly without clouding it;s growth with surface level distractions. Please, do not think that this is a brainwashed ideal that was stuck in my mind. It is My Choice. and I find it to be the best decision of my life and I wouldn't go any other way. I know sex is great, it's just the ideal that I am losing, I do not fear sex or think it's scary or dirty. I want to make that clear.


    All change, even for the better comes with fear and adjustment. Not having sex is as simple as being stubborn, I was a virgin till I was 21 (due to faith) at which point I decided it no longer made any sense to stay one and I didn't want any part of a faith that created so many issues around such a potentially wonderful thing. That of course was my choice but even with those strong convictions it was hard to adjust and I didn't feel right about it.

    PS I'd bet $4,500 and my iPad you're an INFP.
    Wwwhhyyy?

  3. #23
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    ^ i don't think it's only a christian thing, honestly, or necessarily an INFP thing. i think that there is also a certain pocketed societal ideal that is at least somewhat widespread in our specific generation - many of my friends have not had sex or have only very recently started to. for the people i know, it is generally upper-middle-class academic-focused young adults who have learned the majority of their sexual knowledge on the internet.

    @2XtremeENFP i know what you mean... i was a virgin until very recently (did not wait until marriage, but waited until i was really in love) - and i have had that "purity" as a significant part of my identity for a long, long time. i'd sort of idealized myself as a virgin in some ways. i guess this is sort of stupid, but to ease my own transition, i made my own little "archetype" image-ideals of the virgin Princess and the sexual Queen. (i doll'd them, below ) it helped me lose the "dirty" feeling i had associated with the idea of myself being someone who has sex, and not "pure" like i was - but i think you still can be pure, it's just a different type of purity. since it's going to be with someone you love and will be formally, spiritually committed to - there is a certain element of purity that is retained in that, i think. you've never done it with anyone but him before and will never do it with anyone else in the future - it's sacred between the two of you.




    and i know birth control can feel a little banal... but honestly now i find it kind of entertaining, and am a little proud, whenever i take it. there's someone i love who has sex with me! it's kind of great.

    also, for the record, sex is awesome, and the good feelings you get from it when you finally have it will definitely help ease that transition!

    though at least for me, because i had built the whole thing up in my head too, it wasn't right, the first time. it was too staged. i just want to tell you this ahead of time because i'm guessing you may possibly feel pressure on your wedding night itself (not necessarily pressure from anyone, just self-imposed), and that can sabotage it by accident. i'm not sure what to say that can help with that, besides the more natural, the better. you will feel it when it's right... even if it's not right away, even if it's not that night or even the next day.

    as for last name - some people just take on all 4 names... you could do that...?

    congratulations on getting married



    I truly appreciate all of this, thank you

  4. #24
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    I do agree that it is Fi values at play and identification of oneself with the values, thus throw some Si in for permenancy. Maybe the tinest bit of Te-ie the sticking firm to a moral commitment made and a wee bit of pride at that accomplishment.

    Think of having sex as giving a sacred gift to the person who you love. Thus you can take a part of yourself that you consider sacred, beautiful and cherished and become one with another who gives the same gift to you. The physical is somewhat representative of the spiritual? Thus losing your virginity does not cause a loss of your value or identity-but instead gives that same exact value greater depth and more definition as it is symbolic of the commitment you are making for the rest of your life. The commitment thus far-becomes a more expansive, complex commitment to the man you love. Sex is pleasurable and fun, and is a way to show the person you love, the depth of your feelings for him..

    I very much like skylights archtype approach involving the princess and the mother. You are making a transition, but not a change of one's core. The feminine archetypes are helpful as they highlight the roles we play as we transition through being a child, a women. a mother and even the amazing beauty we possess in old age, even as we cast off some of our superficial attributes from previous parts of our lives.

    I also went through the name issue-it annoyed me a great deal as well..but is it more a need to maintain your own identity or an annoyance at someone else telling you that you should be required to change your name, just beacsue other people do? ie a control issue. For me it was the later.

  5. #25
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    I do agree that it is Fi values at play and identification of oneself with the values, thus throw some Si in for permenancy. Maybe the tinest bit of Te-ie the sticking firm to a moral commitment made and a wee bit of pride at that accomplishment.

    Think of having sex as giving a sacred gift to the person who you love. Thus you can take a part of yourself that you consider sacred, beautiful and cherished and become one with another who gives the same gift to you. The physical is somewhat representative of the spiritual? Thus losing your virginity does not cause a loss of your value or identity-but instead gives that same exact value greater depth and more definition as it is symbolic of the commitment you are making for the rest of your life. The commitment thus far-becomes a more expansive, complex commitment to the man you love. Sex is pleasurable and fun, and is a way to show the person you love, the depth of your feelings for him..

    I very much like skylights archtype approach involving the princess and the mother. You are making a transition, but not a change of one's core. The feminine archetypes are helpful as they highlight the roles we play as we transition through being a child, a women. a mother and even the amazing beauty we possess in old age, even as we cast off some of our superficial attributes from previous parts of our lives.

    I also went through the name issue-it annoyed me a great deal as well..but is it more a need to maintain your own identity or an annoyance at someone else telling you that you should be required to change your name, just beacsue other people do? ie a control issue. For me it was the later.
    Thank you for your insight, this makes a lot of sense.
    And for me, it's more of the former :\ I know that no matter what i'd feel weird about losing my "identity" but now it's magnified for a last lame that is hideous hahah. He isnt really saying YOU HAVE TO TAKE MY NAME OR I WONT MARRY YOU. I understand where he is coming from. I want to want his last name but it's so terrible and so different than my beautiful italian last name lol

  6. #26
    Senior Member wildflower's Avatar
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    with the name issue have you considered just adding his last name onto yours but without hyphenating it? like hillary rodham clinton. you could even put his name in the middle and leave yours last so people wouldn't just default to calling you by his last name out of convenience. i'm a bit older than you and am not going to change my name when i get married. i also have an ethnic last name and the guy i know i'm going to end up with has a lame name too so it is partly for aesthetic reasons. lol. i'll either add his on as another name or just not take it and let any kids have his name.

    regarding sex i think it may be beneficial if you can shift your focus more onto the meaning of sex now. i think it's great you have been faithful altho i don't think our identity needs to be tied into this. your identity is as a child of God. your purity definitely does not end when you get married since your purity would continue as you are faithful to your husband. sex is beautiful and maybe focusing more on it and it's meaning in marriage as some others here have so eloquently described will help you make this transition. i have heard some people say that waiting really enhances their sex life when married because you then are doing it like rabbits.
    Last edited by wildflower; 11-26-2011 at 09:16 PM. Reason: clarity

  7. #27
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    I am well into my 20s and still a virgin & am waiting until my wedding night.
    My advice: try not to put that much pressure on your wedding night. It may be quite late into the night when you are alone together, and you may both be rightly exhausted after the day's festivities. It may not be the best time to "break the ice." After 8 years, at least one of you has very high expectations.

    Give yourselves the gift of time to explore the sex equation. If it feels like you are doing it that night because you are "supposed to" perhaps reconsider until you are better-rested. Sex takes practice to get "good" at. So if the first time is ... not memorable, realize it may improve with time and patience with each other.

    Seriously.

    We both are virgins and our Fi is so proud of our choice.

    I just am wondering if others have had to shift their lives and lose some Fi qualities and how they've adjusted...
    You're placing the value emphasis in the wrong area. It's not about BEING a virgin, it's about having enough self-discipline to REMAIN one until married and live true to the value.

    To hold onto your virginity like some sort of "moral on a pedestal" - this is value simplification. It truly doesn't make you a better person to have remained a virgin all of this time. You are a better person to have lived true to a moral value though. Can you appreciate the difference?

    Consider too ... is your pride itself a moral error? Just something to think about.



    Anyway, congratulations on the upcoming nuptials ... I hope your wedding is full of joy and you have a wonderful life together, full of steamy, happy raunchy sex.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  8. #28
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    Believe me, this isn't anything having to deal with me questioning my love for him or my wanting to get married. We've been dating FOREVER and I know he's the one, I wouldn't have it any other way.
    Well, that's the thing, isn't it. You're not just busting a hymen, you're tossing a whole relationship: this brother-boyfriend you've known for so long is going to be the same but now you have to be his WIFE?! Can't we just be brother and sister a little while longer?

    Si is the part of you that prompts "OMG, I wont be doing THAT, what were you thinking?!" It preserves an integrity and serves as a warning.

    But a warning of what? We don't know. You probably need a hen's night before you get married. Be sure to include older "hens" who have boyfriends or husbands and let them tell you exactly how disgusting sex is. You need to hear not how sex is awesome, but how it's genuinely unpleasant sometimes. People fart, fall asleep, squirt unexpectedly, dry up. Occasionally, totally without warrant, you end up headbutted in the face. People fall out of bed even and break things. It's a nightmare.
    Bellison uncorked a flood of horrible profanity, which, translated, meant, "This is extremely unusual."

    Boy meets Grr

  9. #29
    Senior Member wildflower's Avatar
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    sometimes a cigar is just a cigar...

  10. #30
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kalach View Post
    This thread is alarming and interesting.
    It is alarming. Perhaps it is the overtone of laughter or almost poking fun at it/not taking it seriously. The sex stance is always perplexing to me. The whole - I've known him forever so I know he's the one but I won't have sex with him until we're married. I'm sure the idea of marrying someone they'd never met is unthinkable but marrying someone they've never had sex with is entirely different. Except it isn't. The whole resisting change issue is a gigantic red flag. If that is so uncomfortable, why do any of this at all and make someone else just as miserable as the OP is going to be?
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

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