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Thread: Infj question, thanks.

  1. #1

    Default Infj question, thanks.

    My question is how can I communicate with a temporarily unhealthy Infj (enneagram 4w3), who has "dropped" me?

    I've recently had to put limits (economically) on an infj. Much to my shock, I was "dropped" by this person. It's essential for a wide variety of reasons (business and personal) that I communicate regularly and effectively with this person and repair any problems. What I mean is I don't have a luxury of time of having this no contact drag out any longer.

    This is a good person, that has been going through some stress for a period of time. I've known her 9 years, and I've dated her for the past 4 years. So, this is someone I speak with daily. And, I've never been dropped before by this person in all this time. The current length of no communication time between us is 2 months and counting, and that's never come close to happening before.

    Under periods of extreme stress, which aren't that often, but have been lately, her biggest weakness is money. She can exhibit some of the negative traits of the ESTP type. She will impulse buy things beyond her means. And, then she gets herself into a financial pickle that needs cleaning up.

    First and foremost I want her to be well and get healthy. Then of course I want to repair our relationship, as I also have faults and I'm an equal participant, but third, I have big commitments and responsibilities to other people professionally and personallythat are being affected by her behavior. I do not have the time to wait any longer for any space, etc...

    The immediate previous behavior of her prior to the "dropping," was a walking on egg shell phase, overly perfectionistic and touchy to an extreme. She went through the motions of daily life and obligations, but secretly in her own imagination. Prior to this, she would return to her high functioning, highly productive and independent normal self in the past.

    Any advice, tips, thoughts, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks much.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Array Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Dec 2008
    468 sx/sp


    I am not positive about what an INFJ 4w3 might need, but I can tell you as an INFJ 4w5 that if I have door-slammed someone but I have to continue to deal with them in some way, I like them to be sparse, factual, and directive in their communication with me. I can imagine appreciating an email with the subject made clear in the subject line, and then a simple directive in the body. In other words, tell me what you want. Then I'll do it. Then I'll go back into myself.

    For me, it's extremely hard to stay present under stress, so the more you can keep things in small pieces and one at a time, the easier it is to deal with.

  3. #3
    wants Mifune clone minion Array Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Aug 2009
    5w4 sx/sp


    I agree with Tilty. If there’s some information you need or if communication is absolutely vital, then keep it as factual and succinct as possible. If you’ve been ‘dropped’ completely, it’s because there’s something overwhelming about you. Whether that ‘overwhelm’ is actually because of your own behavior or if it’s the product of her own issues/imagination can’t possibly be ascertained by the op, but that doesn’t have much bearing anyway on the fact that it’s why she’s avoiding you. Anything that could possibly be construed as a mixed message will likely go unanswered because it’s too confusing. Keep it as clear, direct and succinct as possible.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

    5w4 sx/sp Johari / Nohari

  4. #4


    Thanks for the replies.

    The problem is not me. However I am on the receiving end of her current unhealthy state. I'm familiar with Infj's but she has never previously "dropped" me or come close to doing so. It's never been that extreme. The most was pouting for a few days of withdrawn behavior. This is entirely different, 2 months and counting. Zero communication. Vanished into thin air. She and I have important financial and business situations together that affect other people, and us. She does not respond to any communication of any kind. Waiting any longer, or sending an email has long passed.

    Her stress is combination of different factors over time. None of which were caused by me. However, I did have to step in as she was behaving like a low functioning ESTP enneagram overspending her means. I cut off her large lump sum money supply that she wanted for a project. I did not have a choice and I would not change my choice. The problem is we have many immediate important loose ends that affect a lot of people. She doesn't seem to care.

    Her behavior is currently a low 3 on the enneagram, ruthless narcissism. I'm seeking feedback preferably from infj's or those familiar with the "dropping" people behavior of infj's. She is behaving immaturely as if no rules and boundaries apply to her, especially financial.

    I don't have any more time to waste. 2 months to most normal people is a very long time when the previous communication is day to day. I'm holding off legal action against her as long as possible. But, I'm running out of time for that.

    She is in a fantasy, imagination world, when day to reality needs to be addressed. I need to find a way to get her to get back to reality and to effectively communicate on a regular basis to take care of some important matters.

    Any other infj dropping people feedeback is welcomed. This is a permanent dropping of someone,, that'd be fine, I'd move on personally, etc...but professionally it is causing a lot of damage to people and I can't let that go.

    I was hoping to peacefully find a way to get her to communicate and to act like a responsible adult...and that's why I'm here. Thanks much.

  5. #5
    Rape Holess Array Starry's Avatar
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    May 2010
    7w6 sx/sp


    I'm curious as to what you have attempted with regards to communication so far...and I'm hoping you wouldn't mind sharing. It may help some. I don't know - but it might.

    You see...I was in a similiar situation once. In that I was cut-off by an INFJ that I had a personal & professional relationship with. And while he made it very clear (with complete non-responsiveness) that our personal relationship was over... We still communicated professionally. And let me assure you...'my INFJ' was not the 'picture of mental health' either. But he's INFJ. In other words, INFJs are pretty darn good at setting everything aside in order to get a job done...and I'm almost suprised really that your INFJ isn't doing the same. I'm just trying to think of what's going on. And so I'm starting with the 'what have you done so far' question. And are you her boss? Again...I don't know if this information will prove helpful in helping you...but it might. I'm hoping it might.

  6. #6


    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    INFJs are pretty darn good at setting everything aside in order to get a job done...and I'm almost suprised really that your INFJ isn't doing the same.
    That's pretty much my experience as an INFJ. I can work with anyone and set my feelings aside to get things done (even if I'm grumpy about it when I'm not working). I'm trying to picture myself in her place, and the only thing that would keep me from behaving professionally for such an extended period of time would be a very severe depression.

  7. #7


    We've dated 4 years, known each other 9 years. Long time, never dropped before.

    When she gets super stressed out, she gets impulsive with pampering herself with "nice" things. As long as this is within reason, it isn't a problem and goes away shortly. However that is not the case this time.

    She is a "4" enneagram. But right now her "3" wing is the problem. She's functioning as a low "3" ...deep narcissism. Cutting corners, deception, ruthless. This all happened over an extended period of time. But, essentially, she has gotten herself to the point where living comfortably wasn't good enough for her. Her stresses were legit and not her fault. However, her responses to it have been disastrous. She's financially independent, comfortable, etc...but because she has invested into too many projects too quickly, her cash flow has been limited to a more fixed budget temporarily. ....Once she realized that I would not be providing her with any more "large" lump sums of money...she vanished.

    When healthy, she is good generous person. She's done a lot and spent a lot on me. She is not inherently a con artist. However, she is temporarily acting like one. Remember, I've known her a long time.

    Right now her behavior is ruthless, selfish, low level enneagram 3. But, I know she's a 4 first.

    I am very familiar with infj types and 4 types. I'm uncomfortable because there is an urgency to this situation. I don't like rushing or pushing people. But she is completely unaware in my opinion of the damage she is doing.

    I've spoken to her once, long distance at the beginning of the 2 months. Remember we speak daily and part of our relationship is long periods together with long periods apart. But we always speak daily, skype, phone, email, I know she was upset, but she was irrationally upset about things that don't have to do with me but taking them out on me.

    She does not respond to email or phone calls. I gave some time and space and that didn't work either.

    She is acting like a low 3, a cold blooded narcissist, which is not something she's previously done with me.

    If I take legal action, that would put us at permanent odds forever. My preference is to communicate with her, help her, clear up all business situations, keep a peace. ....Obviously this has permanently changed my opinion of her and our relationship. I haven't told her that and I won't until everything is worked out. The "dropping" is stunning and out of the blue.

    She needs to be able to sit down in person and clear up any and all topics with us and others. Then I'd be willing to move on in our own directions if need be...that's fine. But we have many important unresolved issues that cannot wait and cannot be let go. I'm in a position to force the issue, something I don't prefer if there is a way to get her to a healthier communicative state. Thanks.

  8. #8
    You have a choice! Array 21%'s Avatar
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    May 2009


    Do you know what is stressing her out? I know you mentioned various "factors", but a little more info would be helpful in this case, because she seems to be behaving very irrationally (and very unlike her normal self?)
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  9. #9


    i would suggest sending her an email and being really specific about what you need business-wise. give her the option of making things right but give a firm deadline for the tasks and let her know what you will have to do if she can't comply. if she doesn't respond she is probably mentally not in a place where she can. if that happens then i think you will probably need to dissolve your business relationship. sorry you are experiencing this! i know sometimes i can personally shut down and pressure is about the last thing i can deal with then, but business is business and maybe she will pull it together. what i would definitely not do is repeatedly contact her and pressure her to do things. this will likely just feel like control and harassment and will make her further shut down. (at least that is what happens with me.)

  10. #10


    I can't solve her stressors. She's beyond a state of being rational in terms of communication. I've heard of infj's "dropping" people more often than others. And, it comes completely out of the blue to the other person but not the infj. Some infj's forget to check in with the other person when spending too much time in their imagination. Then miscommunication happens.

    Previously it was the walk on egg shells stage. I'm familiar with that one, and it's reolved within a few days or week. No big deal. Not this time.

    Part of the stress is financial. We have a new home together. The costs have been more than anticipated. However the costs are covered. As an infj, she is an amateur interior decorator, artist type,...VERY particular with style, decor etc...again not a problem, she has good taste and we agree on many things. However...sometimes in life one has to do some things financially over time in order to be reasonable. She would spend unlimited amounts to make sure things are perfect for her vision. High end tastes. Please note, we are not talking basic necessities. Her grandiosity is not in check. Her spending and money management is not in check. Once it became clear to her that the "large" lump sums would not be happening any longer any time soon...poof, like magic she was gone.

    Again, multiple stressors over time, long distance relationship combined with jealousy of other people's relationships...lots of enneagram 3 going on there. She did a good job of hiding some of this depression and stress which built up over time.

    As typical of some infj's she can confuse childhood issues or long ago adult issues with current present day people that have nothing to do with that. ...The feeling of "victim" even when they aren't...the overwhelming need to be unique and different...when she's healthy it's great, the depth and soul of an infj, nothing better imo...but we all aren't healthy all the time of course and average is okay too...but this is very unhealthy.

    I'm more interested in advice, opinion and feedback regarding the unhealthy infj, especially 4w3 because the 3 narcissism is very key here. And I need possible solutions to help situation after being "dropped."

    Last resort is legal action but 2 months in a non-infj world is an eternity. I'm convinced some infj's are oblivious to this when they drop people and vanish. They do not understand the damage they do to a wide variety of people by not having basic communication. I'm seeking an infj perspective or persepctive from someone who knows what I'm talking about.

    I understand it's part punishing others and part self-preservation. But that's fine for a few days. Without any communication I have no idea what she's thinking or feeling...infj's often mistakenly think other people can read their minds. A simple conversation or two would go a long way to clear up misunderstandings. But she has to take part. Hence, I'm stuck. Mulling over when to take last resort of legal action.....and that'd be pretty sad to throw away 4 years of dating and 9 years of friendship and future, all because she refused to speak for a couple of months. But that's where it's headed if she doesn't communicate soon. It just seems so silly that I'd have to do that. So easy to solve. Thanks.

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