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Thread: Infj question, thanks.

  1. #11
    Diving into Ni-space Array Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Mar 2011


    Quote Originally Posted by BalanceFind View Post
    I can't solve her stressors. She's beyond a state of being rational in terms of communication. I've heard of infj's "dropping" people more often than others. And, it comes completely out of the blue to the other person but not the infj. Some infj's forget to check in with the other person when spending too much time in their imagination. Then miscommunication happens.
    There are certain things which I can identify with her as being an INFJ 4w3 here.

    Mind you, INFJs don't just drop people for their benefits. So I wouldn't consider her dropping you because you refused to help. However, I think you could be right about the miscommunication because I often felt INFJ is one of those type that got misunderstood.

    You mentioned about her living in her imagination, I suppose that's the Ni-Ti loops you're talking about. It's not really about her wanted to live in her little inner-world but when things get rough or hits her hard, that can become our usual defensive mechanism for filtering out unwanted thoughts. It's just a way for her to recuperate the hardships evolving around her life.

    Please note, we are not talking basic necessities. Her grandiosity is not in check. Her spending and money management is not in check. Once it became clear to her that the "large" lump sums would not be happening any longer any time soon...poof, like magic she was gone.
    May I ask what's your type? Since both of you have been together for quite long, I assume you might have accomodated her into spoiling? I think when it comes to purchasing habits, it's very difficult to go down once you allowed her to get what she wants. Again, I could be biased here, but I really doubt she's gone because of money issues. I suspect it could be the way of your delivery the message across might had hurted her weak spots.

    Basically, I'm not representing all INFJs here, but for me as a 4w3, I had put two of my best friends on hold (not dropping, though they might've taken it like that because I didn't speak with them for nearly three months) because I weren't able to get the emotional support that I'm seeking for.

    I have two close friends, one being ENTJ and the other being ENFP, both of their approach of offering advices to me weren't suitable as I can be quite sensitive if I felt I've been forced to accept their advices. I just needed to vent and not really seeking for solutions, though their advice sounds more like a lecture to me. Sometimes I'm not good at telling people that they've crossed the boundary whenever I felt offended, so I'll just withdraw myself and keep a distance away from them until I'm feeling happy and healthy (been stressed for getting a job for months).

    So it's either she'll eventually contact you when she has dealt with her own emotional / financial issues, or she'll never. But based on my POV, I would never doorslam someone if there are still financial ties with them. At least I'll get that sorted out first before the doorslamming.

    The feeling of "victim" even when they aren't...the overwhelming need to be unique and different...when she's healthy it's great, the depth and soul of an infj, nothing better imo...but we all aren't healthy all the time of course and average is okay too...but this is very unhealthy.
    Sometimes, I think people got confused when INFJs may seem to look like they're playing the victim role. I think when an INFJ appears to like that, it's a sign that they're truly overwhelmed by a strings of bad luck. I really envy Fi'ers how they can tolerate to put off all the misery inside them without revealing their sufferings to others.

    I happened to got trapped inside the elevator today twice. Once in the morning, and another during early evening. Though the second trapping involved me and two other passengers, all crammed in a really small elevator. The fan went off this time and I felt suffocated. I was really paranoid as all three of us didn't have mobile phones with us and it was getting really stuffy and hot, then I felt really clautrophobic. Then later this evening, I discovered that my shoes got stolen (my only work shoes with heels) as two of my flatmates moved out within the last two weeks. So I was overwhelmed and I brokedown when my mother called me today. During the phone conversation I felt I really shouldn't have told her about this strings of unlucky events and even felt sorry about doing it. However, I was really emotionally wrecked and I just had to let it out. Thank goodness that I just got a job offer recently, orelse I really don't know how I'm able to look past all of that and keep the sanity within me.

    I'm convinced some infj's are oblivious to this when they drop people and vanish. They do not understand the damage they do to a wide variety of people by not having basic communication. I'm seeking an infj perspective or persepctive from someone who knows what I'm talking about.
    Once again, most INFJs tend to drop people when they felt really hurt. Sometimes it's not becuase of the people who caused them the pain but just bad things happened to them and they just felt too overwhelmed and needed time alone. In your case, I suspect there could be a miscommunication between the two of you and that she's taking a mental break away from you. Or she just need some alone time to deal with her own issues. I really don't think INFJs would drop someone for taking advantage from people for financial reasons. Unless she's really unhealthy to a point that she doesn't seem to care about self-image at all, as most 4w3 cares a lot about how people preceive them as a part of shaping their identity.

  2. #12


    Thanks for the replies.

    I'm an Entp/Enfp.

    She contributes as an equal financially etc...not an issue there for many years. I am not a sugar daddy and she is not a sugar mama. We both have been generous to one another. I woudn't be in a relationship with anyone where that stuff wasn't reasonably equal.

    She/we have had a string of bad luck stressors for a period prior to that. My being my type, I have quiet interior toughness to setbacks, more than many types. I'm capable of championing others, not quitting and crumbling at first sign of trouble there were times I was a cheerleader to her to find balance on a daily basis. She admitted to me that she was struggling this past summer more than she let on...she had mild physical health problems summer and that took a while to resolve. Also, she/we were closing on a "dream" beach home this summer....and there were delays in construction and paperwork.........she sent me an out of the blue odd email one day this summer when a final payment was due and needed to be wired by me to was as if she was panicked which is not usual, and she was worried about getting the wire transfer and all that taken care of...and she referenced past situations where others let her down, including specific examples. She never had any reason to panic or stress. She had an irrational fear that I wouldn't come through or something. I of course immediately tried my best to calm her down. I never gave it much thought after that...but now it seems like a deterioration sign I missed.

    She was getting irrationally jealous of some of her girlfriends...even to the point of not wanting them around me/us....nothing off the deep end, more subtle than that...but a few times it was overt to me, while keeping subtle with them...the jealousy. And these are non-threatening people whom normally she wouldn't have a problem.

    I don't normally cut her off financially because on every day stuff we both issue...but I'm talking wiring large lump sums of money and I told her that couldn't happen until next year or two etc..not any time should not have surprised her but she acted as though I betrayed her. I was expecting grateful. Since she was in a bad way/period, I know that's what put her over the top. That did it. Saying no. Remember when she gets in a very bad way every long while, she spends like an estp 7. She gets super particular about her surroundings etc..

    Prior to that she had done a great job with a lot of new circumstances geographically's as if she started wearing down over time and snapped. She's had to rough it temporarily in a rental house that has some issues among other things. Her close friends started getting busier in their relationships and had less time for her....etc...combo of things.

    She waited for me to leave town..."Iterally going through the motions for a few weeks and poof she was gone. Stunned. Spoke w her once on phone. Only reason is I was worried sick because she and I talk every day. After a week I emailed her to say I didn't know if something was wrong or if something terrible had happened...I literally had an ulcer. I had no idea it was intentional. Clueless. I did know some of the problems, but never once thought she would do that. So, I contacted two different people that know her that I don't know well to check on her...and I know she was super pissed at that. Embarrassed, etc...I know she feels I violated some sort of space or ethics, but I'd do it again under same circumstances because I didn't know what happened. She gave zero indication of dropping a great actress almost. We spoke once on phone briefly and she said that I knew all these things bothering her...which I didn't other than the stressors etc...and that was it...really a short call and no less confusion.

    I don't want to take legal action...I know she's had some ugly past break-up situations, once with a guy and once with a family member over something. I know she would go ballistic....and I really do love and care for her...I wish her harm...but I have to clear some things up to take care of some business with other people and to clear up our own stuff....I don't have the luxury to wait many months etc..mbut I know she doesn't respond well to pushy...and in general I know that people come to you when you are productively and positively doing your own thing.

    I'm a pretty healthy entp/enfp....8...with both 7 and 9 wings.

    Appreciate the continued feedback and examples.

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