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  1. #1
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    Default CrossPost: Male INFP (28) + Female ISTP (25) ?

    Hi, I'm new, I originally started a thread in the SP forum here:

    Male INFP (28) + Female ISTP (25) ?

    ---

    I'm just sifting through some of the threads here, but how do you INFPs get over a lost relationship? Or stop yourselves from clinging too tightly on possibly reuniting with the one who ended it?

    Will I became jaded from now on and never want to trust anyone again?


    Thanks... I'm sure I can piggy back on some specific topics once you guys reply...

    Appreciate it...

  2. #2
    Senior Member BAJ's Avatar
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    I'm really not one to ask, but I have tool box of books by people like:

    Anthony de Mello
    Pema Chodron
    Stephen Levine
    Marcus Aurelius
    Krishnamurti

    and others.

    I've also had much therapy, and I had a book on cognitive therapy at one time.

    Disclaimer...I'm not enlightened or a professional therapist.

    Here is a point of view, which de Mello stresses.
    Generally, what I love is a model of the person. I don't really love them, I love my idea of them and who they are.

    The idea, the model is in the brain. If my expectations based on the model are not met, then I believe I must feel badly. I react...I don't really have much control over that.

    But it's not really them. My model of them was faulty, so my built up expectation caused me pain.

    I wish them the best. Once I really do want their best then I get more free of them. This is not an instantaneous thing. At first I may just want to light the person on fire, but I wish them the best anyway. I wish them every happiness. Once I get to the point of really wanting happiness for them, then they could be kissing right in front of me and it wouldn't bother me at all.

    Another aspect is existentialism. I meditate on the vast universe, and how small my lifetime is and how tiny my life is compared with the universe.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by BAJ View Post
    I'm really not one to ask, but I have tool box of books by people like:

    Anthony de Mello
    Pema Chodron
    Stephen Levine
    Marcus Aurelius
    Krishnamurti

    and others.

    I've also had much therapy, and I had a book on cognitive therapy at one time.

    Disclaimer...I'm not enlightened or a professional therapist.

    Here is a point of view, which de Mello stresses.
    Generally, what I love is a model of the person. I don't really love them, I love my idea of them and who they are.

    The idea, the model is in the brain. If my expectations based on the model are not met, then I believe I must feel badly. I react...I don't really have much control over that.

    But it's not really them. My model of them was faulty, so my built up expectation caused me pain.

    I wish them the best. Once I really do want their best then I get more free of them. This is not an instantaneous thing. At first I may just want to light the person on fire, but I wish them the best anyway. I wish them every happiness. Once I get to the point of really wanting happiness for them, then they could be kissing right in front of me and it wouldn't bother me at all.

    Another aspect is existentialism. I meditate on the vast universe, and how small my lifetime is and how tiny my life is compared with the universe.
    Hi BAJ,

    Thanks so much for the reply. Seems not many are interested in this topic.

    Thank you for the insight into the "model" concept. I've considered that myself, and the way you present it is very likely my situation.

    Basically, I am enraptured with her physical appearance, and my logic is turning a blind eye to the rest of her which is still immature. I don't think anything is set in stone, she has grown a considerable amount, but more is still needed for a healthy, robust, LTR. I just feel I am too fragile or prideful to endure it if it means she will gain her growth with other people. I am still also confused at her ambivalence - either she is trying to not let me down hard, or she really still does consider if we will get back together, in some distant future after she has "tried" other guys/experiences.

    But back to the "model" concept, I don't know why my brain won't allow the "model" to be adjusted. I'm stuck.

  4. #4
    yap yap yap xenaprincess's Avatar
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    why is it that the 'model' in your mind have to be that specific person?

    if there were such thing as cloning people, couldn't you conceivably get 'stuck' on her clone?

    I guess I used to get 'stuck' on particular people a while back. I tore myself to bits thinking about how this particular fellow would be happy, be happy with someone else, think the world of someone else, etc. But I gradually came around to wondering why it mattered that it was that particular guy? After all, he could be happy, he could be with someone...but I would never know about it. How well did I know that guy anyway? Certainly not well enough to be so fixated! I think part of me was using him as a device to beat myself up.

    There must be a better way of explaining it...I'm probably not doing a good job. Time heals everything, though. You can't force these things. One day you it will hurt a little less.

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    Hi Xena,

    My model of her is basically what she used to be, albeit it was merely a stunted version and I realize the turmoil that is happening now is a side-effect of her finally trying to self actualize and find out who she is and what she's made of. Unfortunately, she's doing so firsthand by exploring other guys and feeling that rush. She wants stimulation, and perhaps I'm a bit past that and already sloping down into desires for long term commitment. Or I'm just a boring INFP, don't know.

    She represented purity and beauty. (Although now with her freeballing around willy nilly, I'm not so sure. Even the situation now isn't so dire, but even a speck on a blank sheet seems glaring.)

    I agree, INFP's beat themselves up alot.

    I'm not sure I get everything you were trying to explain, care to expand more?

    I know time makes the senses and emotions dull. I still have a couple of stray hopes that we can get back together, even though my brain STILL hasn't turned to evaluate our relationship issues in its entirety and compatibility. We're still on good terms, but I wonder if I need to completely shut myself away so she can get a sense of what it is to lose me. But we work together, so I feel screwed in that sense, she'll never have that fear.

    Thanks all, any other words of advice or insight would be appreciated!

  6. #6
    yap yap yap xenaprincess's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for your pain. We've all been there.

    I suggest sitting out in nature. Close you eyes, feel your breath, relax your shoulders, and be in the moment. Realize that you are 'Okay' right now, in this particular moment, as you are....that is, with yourself. Try to extend that into living in the present moment, wherever that is.

    It's very easy to lose yourself in thoughts - thoughts about her, what she's doing, what she might be thinking or feeling, thoughts about the future, the past, etc. etc. etc. Try not to fall into that trap. Thinking and obsessing about someone is a way to feel in control of a situation. When we recognize that we don't control anything, (and we never do, even when we wind up with the person!) it's quite liberating.

    I write the above in the gentlest way possible! hugs!!

  7. #7
    Senior Member BAJ's Avatar
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    Read:

    "The Missing Piece"

    and

    "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O"

  8. #8
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    Thanks xena and BAJ~

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