My mom acts more or less like that... And I think she's ISFP...I've brought this up in several threads, but no INFJ will address it.
I've had this experience with several INFJs:
You tell them that you are hurt by an action of theirs. They get upset that someone dare implies they are capable of being hurtful. You acknowledge that they did not have bad intentions, but you note that you still cannot accept this behavior, because it is hurtful regardless of intentions. This is an action not tolerated by most people; it is not a Fi value coming out of nowhere (two examples are: cruel name-calling and blowing someone off when you made plans with them). They basically insist YOU need to change how you feel now that you know they did not mean to be hurtful. Somehow, their intentions are supposed to make very disrespectful behavior okay, so that you are not allowed to be hurt by it or ask for different behavior in the future. So even though THEIR behavior was hurtful, they expect YOU to change as the solution; namely, to change your feelings about the behavior.
I don't understand this thinking. It's like only the INFJ is allowed to be hurt, and everyone has to change for them; they refuse to adjust to accommodate others' needs/feelings. It's a complete invalidation of the other person's feelings, insisting all compromise occurs on the other's end. You can't call them on it either, because again, they get hurt that anyone could suggest they are even able to hurt others, and so they will cut people off before they make even the smallest adjustment in their behavior. It's very "my way or the highway". Then they have the nerve (or maybe the delusion) to see themselves as victims. Is it possible to get through to such people, or is it a lost cause? The thing is, I've seen them do it with others, so that they have a negative, destructive pattern. It's self-sabotaging, but they refuse to take responsibility for the pattern, continuing to blame others. How does a person like this EVER grow or change? What has to happen to cause them to see that they even need to?