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  1. #1
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Default er...um....an INFP problem

    1. Okay, so I love my new job. My ESTJ boss is the most awesome thing ever. The entire company culture is so positive, open ended and progressive. Everyone has to pass an IQ and personality test to come to work, and as much as I dont like being discriminatory, I must admit it feels very nice to be at the 50% mark of the IQ pool. Everybody just "gets it"

    But I need some advice on how to deal with a very insecure INFP. I have never spent time around INFPs in real life, so it is like walking on thin ice...

    He is very sweet, very kind and seems like a pretty smart guy.

    Problematically... he was hired to do my job several months back...then there was a reorg, his boss left, and he was supposed to move to a slightly different role. His new boss-the ESTJ-kept him in the same role.

    Thus we now have two people trying to do the same job, where only one is needed-so we get to be a team. He has very little experience doing the job, and I have over 5 years at another company.

    To be honest, I have spent a great deal of time convincing myself that I was the person with the problem, that I felt there was some competition out of my own Te insecurity and trying to make a good impression in my new job, perhaps even being too bossy or maybe being a bit too baby Te in my ambitions in the position....but I am now pretty convinced he is doing some passive aggressive things.

    Recognizing he and I have been placed in a very awkward situation, I have tried to be very, very careful to call us a team, include him on every single email, clear everything I do with him, and be certain to give him recognition on things he has done.

    He "forgets" to invite me to certain meetings or to calls. He doesn’t copy me on emails. He doesn’t refer to a team, but instead will claim the job title for himself, unless he knows I am sitting there with him listening...

    He has not shared a great deal of info I asked for. I didn’t realize how drastic this was till a new employee started and needed the same info and I overheard their convo-he had "forgotten" a great deal of resources that I needed...

    He is very uninterested in learning about the technical aspects of the product-while I am drowning in tech documents and learning everything I can about the deep dive technical aspects, he actually seems offended that I would choose to do this. He has actually huffed at me about it. However then I will explain things to him-then later he repeats my explanation verbatim when asked about the topic, never mentioning it was my work to understand the technical data.

    In meetings he has often taken the portion of content he actually understands and spoken to it, then thrown me the content neither of us understands, making me look stupid.

    He alternates between being really nice and then saying douchebaggy sorts off hand, then claiming he is just being sarcastic.

    Perhaps the worst thing is that if I ask him a question, he shuts me down with a very short response-accompanied by a very Fi heavy vibe of "That really isn’t relevant or needed, or wanted". He will often say "that's already been taken care of and decided" like I am butting in, when in reality, people are totally pissed as it isn’t being taken care of and are coming to me.

    Any critique of his work or decision is met with this same pinched angry Fi angst, then later he recants and accepts the advice and changes course.

    The Fi vibe is the ABSOLUTE worst, as it hits me as though the value I offer is irrelevant and not wanted. He made me cry-I NEVER cry, not in 8 years being married to an ISTP, did I cry...but this person made me cry.

    Also, he will treat really weird stuff as a competition-like assignments form our boss. He doesn’t work with me, and if she chooses his template or recognizes his efforts on something, he actually cheers or is sure to point out how she liked it better. The day he cheered about getting an email to her first, after he told me, we needed to work separately on the same assignment; I gathered my stuff and left....WTF? Whenever he sees me doing something independently, he goes "well, I mean I already did that when I first started...” Then why am I wasting my time repeating it???

    He also does this crazy ass thing, where I will start to do some task as he doesn’t have any interest, then he suddenly jumps in and races to finish it before me...I am like WTF, you can do it if you want to, but don’t waste my time by not being clear about it. It's like trying to pass somebody on the highway, then having them speed up to stop you....

    He will sort of flaunt how much the team likes him-rightfully so as he is a really nice person to them, but he makes sure to point it out all the time. He also gets in "nice" companions with me, like racing to get another person information before I can-so we both look like tools for getting them the same info...

    ************************************************** *****

    So I figure a lot of this is the weirdness of the position and both of our insecurity. I kind of ranted about the above-He REALLY is a nice guy-His weird, insecure behaviors seem to be intermittent, most days okay or even really nice, but some days pretty bad, likely much of it stressed induced. I don’t want to be mean to him and I want to work as a team with him, so please forgive if I sounded frustrated above. I am sort of at my wits end...

    Can you guys give me feedback or suggestions as to how to let him know I am not a threat? Also, should I be ignoring some of these behaviors, as internal to him?

    Any critique or guidance would be awesome... Argh... it is emotionally wearing.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    It sounds like he has decided that you are the competition and is doing everything he can to undermine you. I honestly think the best thing for you would be for one of you to get a different position so that you do not have to share the job. I know that may be impossible, but I always pray about difficult situations like that and some sort of answer usually presents itself.

  3. #3
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    ....but I am now pretty convinced he is doing some passive aggressive things.
    From what you've written, I don't necessarily see this in every instance.
    1. He's been used to doing this job alone, correct? If so, then he is in the habit of thinking & acting as an individual, not a team. He's probably doing stuff the way he always has done it. Because he was there first, he may still feel a sense of having more responsibility over the role, so when he takes on tasks you're doing, he may be doing it out of that feeling, not to one-up you. He hasn't learned to delegate or split up tasks, because he isn't used to it.

    2. INFPs really, truly, genuinely are oblivious to this stuff. We are independent workers & loners. Going into "team mode" is not natural. There's a high chance that in many of these cases, he simply doesn't realize his behavior is excluding you from getting credit & information.

    He is NOT going to pick up on clues; using your behavior as an example will go over his head. If you've expected him to note your behavior as some guide, then you are asking too much from a type that lives in a daydream world.

    Be direct about this issue without accusing him of bad motive. Just tell him you suspect he's not used to being a team, but that you've been working hard to present the two of you as a team, and that you'd appreciate it if he would do the same. DON'T bring up what he has or has not done that is negative. Instead, just list ways you'd appreciate him including you in emails & giving you credit on joint projects. Note ANY instance in which he has done this, and state how you appreciate it. INFPs work best when positive behavior is reinforced. There's quite a bit of reading between the lines, so to express dissatisfaction with some behavior, don't note what it is, but note what you wish it was. He will probably still get defensive, in which case, let him, then just say you appreciate him listening to your concerns & look forward to working with him as a team.

    So keep what is said directly positive, state your needs without being accusatory, and then let him buck a little at first. After that, keep your eye our for subtle changes, as INFPs will self-improve slowly, but surely. Continue to reinforce positive behavior.

    Also, what is his enneagram? INFPs usually loathe competition, with the exception being those with a 3 wing (4w3). I don't know about 9s, but they can be the most passive-aggressive (they don't strike me as competitive though). 6s are usually team-oriented people. In short, competitive work style is highly out of character for the average INFP. An insecure one is more likely to bow out & self-sabotage, retreating while letting the other person win. This is why I wonder if you're reading into his behaviors as malicious when they're really just born out of obliviousness.

    Recognizing he and I have been placed in a very awkward situation, I have tried to be very, very careful to call us a team, include him on every single email, clear everything I do with him, and be certain to give him recognition on things he has done.

    He "forgets" to invite me to certain meetings or to calls. He doesn’t copy me on emails. He doesn’t refer to a team, but instead will claim the job title for himself, unless he knows I am sitting there with him listening...

    He has not shared a great deal of info I asked for. I didn’t realize how drastic this was till a new employee started and needed the same info and I overheard their convo-he had "forgotten" a great deal of resources that I needed...
    You put "forgotten" in quotes as if it is not true. Are you quite sure he did not truly forget? You may be taking his forgetfulness personally, when it's not meant to be. Just because he forgot with you & remembered with someone else does not make it an intentional slight against you.

    He is very uninterested in learning about the technical aspects of the product-while I am drowning in tech documents and learning everything I can about the deep dive technical aspects, he actually seems offended that I would choose to do this. He has actually huffed at me about it. However then I will explain things to him-then later he repeats my explanation verbatim when asked about the topic, never mentioning it was my work to understand the technical data.

    In meetings he has often taken the portion of content he actually understands and spoken to it, then thrown me the content neither of us understands, making me look stupid.
    You're assigning motive to him he may not have. I suspect he mainly resents you getting into the tech stuff because now it will be expected by the boss, and he simply doesn't want to do it. You're adding to his job duties, basically. He may feel because he's been at the job longer (THIS specific job, even if you've done the kind of work longer) that he knows what is needed more than you do, and that you're adding unnecessary work.

    His repeating of your explanations shows he has accepted them as valid; forgetting to credit you can be just that - forgetting. Again, address this when you talk to him.

    How does he know you don't know certain content? If you've been doing additional research, maybe he thinks you do know more about that tech stuff.

    INFPs generally are not strategic types who dream up ways to sabotage other people. He's probably not thinking about you half as much as you think about him, and that is actually the problem - he forgets about you.

    He's thinking about stuff like: some random theory he read about recently, that half finished epic poem he wants to finish writing (someday!), fantasies of the rock band he will never have, how to start a conversation with the cute girl at the coffee shop (it seems impossible!), and most importantly: The Meaning of Life. You & his job are the last thing he wants to think about, but you keep popping up all day, interrupting the world in his head (how annoying of you! ).

    He alternates between being really nice and then saying douchebaggy sorts off hand, then claiming he is just being sarcastic.
    That's just INFP sense of humor. It's not personal or emotionally charged. What he claims is true. Just accept it at face value.

    Perhaps the worst thing is that if I ask him a question, he shuts me down with a very short response-accompanied by a very Fi heavy vibe of "That really isn’t relevant or needed, or wanted". He will often say "that's already been taken care of and decided" like I am butting in, when in reality, people are totally pissed as it isn’t being taken care of and are coming to me.
    What I think: he knows it's not being taken care of either, but he's sensitive to the fact that this reflects badly on him. You have to ask/suggest things to an INFP in a way that doesn't seem like criticism. Instead, pose it like, "Should we do this, and if so, what can I do?". If he says it is not relevant, then tell him someone asked about it. Does he know people are asking about it? Because INFPs are quiet & reserved, people wrongly assume we're grouchy & so the may not come to us. You probably have a more open demeanor, so people may find you more approachable. He might actually have hurt feelings about this, because he may not feel closed off or unapproachable. People project a lot onto INFPs because we're quiet; what one person sees as grouchy & cold, someone else sees as timid & sweet.

    Any critique of his work or decision is met with this same pinched angry Fi angst, then later he recants and accepts the advice and changes course.
    That's just how it goes with very sensitive people. Be happy he recants & changes course later. I won't even say what other type (:cough:Ni-dom:cough: ) won't even change course....

    Also, he will treat really weird stuff as a competition-like assignments form our boss. He doesn’t work with me, and if she chooses his template or recognizes his efforts on something, he actually cheers or is sure to point out how she liked it better. The day he cheered about getting an email to her first, after he told me, we needed to work separately on the same assignment; I gathered my stuff and left....WTF? Whenever he sees me doing something independently, he goes "well, I mean I already did that when I first started...” Then why am I wasting my time repeating it???

    He also does this crazy ass thing, where I will start to do some task as he doesn’t have any interest, then he suddenly jumps in and races to finish it before me...I am like WTF, you can do it if you want to, but don’t waste my time by not being clear about it. It's like trying to pass somebody on the highway, then having them speed up to stop you....

    He will sort of flaunt how much the team likes him-rightfully so as he is a really nice person to them, but he makes sure to point it out all the time. He also gets in "nice" companions with me, like racing to get another person information before I can-so we both look like tools for getting them the same info...
    This competitiveness seems out of character to me as an INFP, so I can't comment on it. I don't see this as an INFP issue, because I've never experienced one who acts this way, nor acted this way myself, nor read of it in a description of INFPs. I think you need to view this behavior from another angle, because it does not have the stamp of "INFP" on it. Rather, this is emotional, stress & insecurity related stuff. Maybe he has a 3 or an 8 wing? Those emotional motivations might give more insight into this specific behavior.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

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  4. #4
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    His new boss-the ESTJ-kept him in the same role. Thus we now have two people trying to do the same job, where only one is needed-so we get to be a team.
    Is this not the problem, right here?

    Why did this happen? What is the long term vision for the role?

    Even in the best of circumstances, this would be a problematic situation, a potential recipe for disaster.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  5. #5
    Away with the fairies Southern Kross's Avatar
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    Wow, that doesn't sound like a fun situation. He probably doesn't realise how difficult he's making it for you so I think you need to have a sit down together and talk about it in a non-confrontational manner. Its likely that he will have issues with you too, so you have to be prepared to listen and decide on some mutually agreed upon changes. Don't make it personal or accusatory (or let him do so); just keep it focused on improving the way you work together. I wouldn't mention the more emotional stuff (ie. him being a douchebag at times, and him shutting you down) at that time - it might come off as a character assassination or just plain naggy if you discussed them in the same breath as efficiency issues. Wait until he does those things and address those issues at that particular time.

    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    He "forgets" to invite me to certain meetings or to calls. He doesn’t copy me on emails. He doesn’t refer to a team, but instead will claim the job title for himself, unless he knows I am sitting there with him listening...

    He has not shared a great deal of info I asked for. I didn’t realize how drastic this was till a new employee started and needed the same info and I overheard their convo-he had "forgotten" a great deal of resources that I needed...
    I wouldn't underestimate the ability for a INFP to genuinely forget to do such things. We can be so focused on simply dealing with the tasks we need to complete in the way we want to and on a timeline that suits us, we can be oblivious about what a difficult position it can put other people in. The best thing you can do is seek to define some rules and structures for your both - casual unspoken guidelines won't be enough to make a INFP do something they aren't naturally good at or interested in. The best idea is to define the boundaries of how you both need to approach tasks. INFPs don't mind set boundaries, as long as they're not too restrictive - we just like to know where they are so we can see how much room we have to manoeuvre within them; ie. how far we can assert our independence. It's like procrastination: its fine as long as everything is completed by the deadline. Make these rules very detached and Te-like; focus on the idea that this is about creating the best work situation for everyone.

    He is very uninterested in learning about the technical aspects of the product-while I am drowning in tech documents and learning everything I can about the deep dive technical aspects, he actually seems offended that I would choose to do this. He has actually huffed at me about it. However then I will explain things to him-then later he repeats my explanation verbatim when asked about the topic, never mentioning it was my work to understand the technical data.

    In meetings he has often taken the portion of content he actually understands and spoken to it, then thrown me the content neither of us understands, making me look stupid.
    OK, this is a bit bratty. Admittedly, sometimes when I come across things I struggle understand I can let the frustration get to me and throw my hands up and flatly refuse to try. He needs to understand that he can't just do the tasks he feels like doing and expect you to pick up the slack. Explain to him that the tasks are not being divided fairly and that either he must agree to take on more of the difficult aspects or else a impartial system may have be put in place to divide everything squarely down the middle. Make sure, though, that you allow for an adjustment period.

    He alternates between being really nice and then saying douchebaggy sorts off hand, then claiming he is just being sarcastic.
    Hmm, its hard to know what you mean by this. But if you don't like it, when he does it calmly tell him that you don't appreciate that sort of behaviour, without making a big deal about it. If he is genuinely nice, its very likely that when he discovers that this is making you feel annoyed/upset/uncomfortable, he'll apologise or explain what he really meant.

    Perhaps the worst thing is that if I ask him a question, he shuts me down with a very short response-accompanied by a very Fi heavy vibe of "That really isn’t relevant or needed, or wanted". He will often say "that's already been taken care of and decided" like I am butting in, when in reality, people are totally pissed as it isn’t being taken care of and are coming to me.

    Any critique of his work or decision is met with this same pinched angry Fi angst, then later he recants and accepts the advice and changes course.

    The Fi vibe is the ABSOLUTE worst, as it hits me as though the value I offer is irrelevant and not wanted. He made me cry-I NEVER cry, not in 8 years being married to an ISTP, did I cry...but this person made me cry.
    This could be due to two things: a) he's being a know-it-all; b) he's actually really stressed out about the things you are asking about and is attempting to hold everything together - he then feels like your questions are prodding him and adding more stress, so he gets pissy and dismissive (personally, I totally do both at times ). The second is something that I do to friends and family only, so (if this is indeed what he's doing) it shows he feels he's on good enough terms with you that he can let his emotions show. Its not likely to be a personal annoyance with you, but with the situation.

    Again the best way to address this is to be calm and direct. Tell him that there is no need for him to be rude and dismissive and that you only bringing the concerns of others. If he's being nasty, you shouldn't be expected to put up with it. But if you are particularly concerned about things getting finished, perhaps you could offer assistance or advice. It might help for him to know you're on his side and that you're not simply being critical.

    Also, he will treat really weird stuff as a competition-like assignments form our boss. He doesn’t work with me, and if she chooses his template or recognizes his efforts on something, he actually cheers or is sure to point out how she liked it better. The day he cheered about getting an email to her first, after he told me, we needed to work separately on the same assignment; I gathered my stuff and left....WTF? Whenever he sees me doing something independently, he goes "well, I mean I already did that when I first started...” Then why am I wasting my time repeating it???

    He also does this crazy ass thing, where I will start to do some task as he doesn’t have any interest, then he suddenly jumps in and races to finish it before me...I am like WTF, you can do it if you want to, but don’t waste my time by not being clear about it. It's like trying to pass somebody on the highway, then having them speed up to stop you....

    He will sort of flaunt how much the team likes him-rightfully so as he is a really nice person to them, but he makes sure to point it out all the time. He also gets in "nice" companions with me, like racing to get another person information before I can-so we both look like tools for getting them the same info...
    This probably is nothing to do with proving he's better than you. INFPs just need a lot praise to feel good about ourselves and quell the self-doubts. Its also probably related to the difficulty we sometimes have with adjusting to working for a team goal rather than a personal one. So tell him that his competitive behaviour is undermining the ability for you both to function as a team and explain that you are just seeking better co-operation and communication between the two of you.

    EDIT: it seems this is all pretty much what OA said
    INFP 4w5 so/sp

    I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas;
    they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind.

    - Emily Bronte

  6. #6
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    A couple of things stood out to me.
    He is being a little douche baggy, so I think he is a little threatened. As for the forgetting to tell you things, he probably did genuinely forget. Really. My advice is come up with a way, like a white board or a comms diary so he can write these things down. You'll probably get more information than you want, but it will open communication.
    OA and southern cross pretty much have every thing covered though so I'd be regurging again. One thing to remember we are not great with change (we didn't instigate) and we can be all pissy and frustrating at first. It would probably mortify him, if he thought you were upset with his behavior. We take a lot of reassuring at times....like he's not going to get in trouble if he doesn't do everything, or the world will fall apart.
    I need to think a wee bit more....but, talk with him, he'll be emotionally invested in making it work so he will adjust.
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
    Real life awaits and she is a demanding mistress.

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  7. #7
    Senior Member BAJ's Avatar
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    This probably has been said, more or less. I believe this guy is afraid. I think he finds it threatening that you are some kind of counterpart, and possibly there to supplant him. How stable is his job? How stable is the company?

    I think he's really angry at you. He doesn't want you to succeed. And you are in a difficult position being the new person.

    Here I have a situation which may be related. My co-worker and I are the same rank, but I have two years of seniority on him.

    We've been having lots of problems with production, and largely it is a number of factors such as under-staffing and the current nature of the market.

    Yet, my counterpart is largely in charge of production, wherein I'm in charge of quality control and product availability. But production was sucking. So in July, I took over the production aspects, and blamed everything on the other guy. We basically traded roles.

    I guess, what I hope is that if they fire everyone, I'm the last person to go. Thus, to insure this, I would have secret phone calls, send secret emails, or do whatever I need to do.

    Indeed, if production were good, and everyone else quit, then I would still be happy.

    This said, I like my co-worker, but I improved production drastically. It's like day and night. It's obvious. So that helps that I'm the one who's technically correct.

    I realize this is barely tangential to your situation. Yet, I would...if I could...strengthen my ties to my boss, and make myself indispensable. Also, I would arrange things so that the idea of a threat were removed by myself and my boss, arm in arm. That is, I'd would obliquely, or perhaps directly, address his fears from a position of strength. I don't think this guy will actually poison your coffee, but it sounds like he has declared war on you because he feels threatened.

  8. #8
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    Have you talked to your boss? I mean two people doing a job designed for one isn't fair on you or your co-worker. Hands down he's stressed too. He probably feels undermined that they hired you, and is worried about job security. He'd probably settle down a bit if you could define and customize each others roles. By the sounds of it there is actually scope to branch out and specialize.
    Seriously though, the behavior isn't personal.....but your company did an arsehole thing by him, and much of his behavior stems from paranoia that no-one likes him and they want him to go. ( I will guarantee that thought will be in his head.)

    The poor guy is wondering when he wil get his marching orders.
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
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  9. #9
    Post Human Post Qlip's Avatar
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    Hmm.. such NF advice here. This is your job, your livlihood, and you've got business to take care of and you're stepping all over each other. The situation needs to be rectified. And his douchebaggy behaviour, intended or not will eventually erode your image down if it goes on for a long time, unless it's obvious to everybody else what he's doing. I'd sit down and setup some ground rules about who should be doing what when. You can justify your move by saying it's to increase productivity, which it is.. the less time in conflict, the more gets done.

  10. #10
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    I was in your douchebag coworker's position once. Sort of.
    A new, younger employee was hired who was obviously talented and much less sensitive than me (ie, he was a go-getter and didn't pussyfoot around). We had to work as a team. I don't think I was as douche-baggy but I did feel threatened. Over time, I came to respect my coworker immensely and like him.

    Give it time. Be consistent in your actions and behavior. I can see also addressing this head on, like a 'how can we divide our labor and be a more effective team' kind of thing? A tiny bit of flattery can help, too, to defuse the tension, as in asking him his opinion about something or other.

    Good luck!

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