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Thread: Need INFJ's help (Please!)

  1. #1
    Junior Member Array
    Join Date
    Sep 2011

    Default Need INFJ's help (Please!)

    Dear INFJ's,

    Just joined the forum. I've been on here before, just to view the forums and learn, and you guys have been awesomely helpful. This seems like a great place to get some insight from INFJs, as I am in a predicament.

    My best friend of two years is INFJ. I am INFP. He is the kindest, most respectful, most insightful person I have ever met. In conversation we connect on a level I have never experienced with anyone before. We can trust each other with anything. We know each other's strengths as well as each other's shortcomings (which we both have plenty of), and accept all. We have unbelieveably uncanny similarities, and it feels like we can see inside each other intuitively. We worked together for two years, so naturally neither of us ever made a move to be more than friends, although the chemistry has always been amazing, and we would each send each other signals of interest consistently. In April we stopped working together. In May, we started hanging out just the two of us. I left the country in June, and came back in August (we kept in touch while I was gone), and we started hanging out again. We sort of flirt with each other (as much as can be considered "flirting" between INFP and INFJ, neither one of which are exactly vivacious social butterflies!), but there has never been any talk of things going any farther than friendship. He's my best friend, I care about him immemsely, and am terrified at the thought of what could be lost I say something about wanting to be more than friends and it is not reciprocated. But I can't take this much longer. When you have this deep of a connection to someone, it's easy to seriously want more than friendship.

    His eyes and body language and style of communication says he's interested in another level, but he hasn't said he that directly. Figured if he was interested he would just say it, but he's INFJ, and from the forums it seems like you guys often wait. One thing he did tell me though, is that he's not comfortable pursuing a woman, because when he pursues he always lets his feelings get away from him and ends up in disaster. He went on to say that if she wants to be more than friends, she'll say something to him.

    I don't want to lose a best friend trying to gain a soulmate. BUT I don't want to miss out on a soulmate trying to save a friendship. You guys have always seemed to have good input for others on this forum facing similar situations. What is the best thing to do in this situation?

    Thanks millions, INFJ's.


    An INFP out of answers

  2. #2
    You have a choice! Array 21%'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009


    Hi and welcome to Typology Central!

    I've been in a relationship with my INFP for 3 years now, and things started kinda slow for us too. The main problem was that to me it was soooo obvious that I liked him, but he just didn't know and didn't give out the "I like you" signals. When an INFJ likes you, they go out of their way to spend time with you. They might not seem to initiate much, but for some reason they would just 'happen' to be where you are all the time. If they turn you down on an activity, they will be very apologetic and will suggest an alternate time/activity to make up for it (with room for you to back out gracefully, of course -- this is not a sign of disinterest but to show that they do not want to impose themselves on you)

    The question is, do you hang out alone a lot? (Like, into the wee hours of the night?) Do you talk on the phone for hours? Is he extremely interested and helpful when you come to him with a problem? Does he find excuses to touch you ("Hey, you've got a bruise on your arm? Let me see")? Most importantly, does he let himself become vulnerable with you? Does he talk about things that upset him? Does he come to you for comfort? If so, then, yes, he likes you. I think you should start throwing out encouraging remarks, like "I feel like I can talk to you about anything", "I feel safe with you", etc. to let him know that you're interested too.

    Anyway, good luck!
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  3. #3
    Diving into Ni-space Array Crescent Fresh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011


    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    When an INFJ likes you, they go out of their way to spend time with you. They might not seem to initiate much, but for some reason they would just 'happen' to be where you are all the time.
    I don't know how INFJ men operate, but it's true that one of the most obvious sign of liking someone is we'll spend a LOT of time with you, particularly on the phone or text message to keep you busy with random excuses.

    So take the chance, and I assume most INFJs are not good at making the first move, except for dropping obvious signs or hints that we do love your presence around us.

    Perhaps he's been so careful with you has to do with his lack of or had bad experiences from the past? He's probably being very careful with you, I think.

    Anyhow, just give it a try and tell him honestly that he's special to you. Keep complimenting and invite him out for dining. Having a bottle of wine might help.

    Hope it all works out!

  4. #4
    Senior Member Array Lily flower's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010


    INFP's and INFJ's are great together, so I think you have a good chance. I suggest you just start touching him more. You know, hug him when you meet, touch his arm when you are talking, lean up against him when you are laughing. Those could all be considered to be fairly harmless between friends, but you will be able to see how he reacts. If he seems pleased and doesn't withdraw from your touch, that's a good sign. If he kind of pulls away a lot or puts more body space between you after that, then you know he just wants to be a friend.

    Here's another one - if you are seeing a movie together, untie his shoe and let him pull your hand off the shoe so he can retie it. I did that once with a guy who became my boyfriend that night.

    From what you wrote, I think it would be worth the risk to find out. You don't have to have a serious, "do you want to be involved" talk, you can just start touching more and see where it goes.

  5. #5
    From the Undertow Array CuriousFeeling's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    4w5 sp/sx


    Take the plunge. Show signs that you are interested in your INFJ in subtle symbolic ways. INFJ men love symbolic gestures of affection. If you're a literary type like what your username implies, to break the ice, write a poem or a story, and show it to him... then, tell him you wrote it especially for him. Look at him in the eyes when you talk and smile shyly, and look down. Then get closer him, and rest yourself against him while you two talk and hang out. This will give him the idea that's you're interested. Be the person that takes the initiative in this one. Surprise him. And when you have a friendship to build on with a relationship, it makes for a strong romance. Let things take their natural course, and don't over-think it and over-analyze it.


    “Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche

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