• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[NF] NF's + Marriage + Family

A

Anew Leaf

Guest
A friend of mine asked me recently if I ever want to have kids, and I said that that wasn't particularly relevent. (Go go gadget NF overcomplicating things!) She was confused, and so I explained my thought process. (I thought I would post here to see if other NF's think similarly to me, or if I am out of my melon mind.)

Basically I don't think about if I want to have kids or not because I have prerequisites that would need to be fulfilled before kids:

1- I would have to be with the right person in a committed relationship/marriage.
2- We would both have to want to have a child or two.

I feel that if I make me wanting to have a kid come first... then I am just going to leap on the first guy who is sort of ok but also wants kids... Instead of finding someone that I am truly compatible with on a multitude of levels, and is "right" for me... Then we can figure out if we want to be parents together or not.

The End.
 

Tiltyred

New member
Joined
Dec 1, 2008
Messages
4,322
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
468
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I think exactly as you do, which is why I never had any. I agree that wanting a baby is putting the cart before the horse.
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
50,187
MBTI Type
BELF
Enneagram
594
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Makes sense to me, although I understand that other people might operate in a different order.
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
Makes sense to me, although I understand that other people might operate in a different order.

Oh yes, to each their own. I just was curious as to whether I am weird or not. Well, I know I am weird (that goes without saying really), but you know (because you are also kind of weird) and stuff.

I think exactly as you do, which is why I never had any. I agree that wanting a baby is putting the cart before the horse.

Exactly! *pictures tiny baby pulling cart and giggles*
 

Xenon

(blankpages)
Joined
Oct 5, 2009
Messages
832
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5
Basically I don't think about if I want to have kids or not because I have prerequisites that would need to be fulfilled before kids:

1- I would have to be with the right person in a committed relationship/marriage.
2- We would both have to want to have a child or two.

I feel that if I make me wanting to have a kid come first... then I am just going to leap on the first guy who is sort of ok but also wants kids... Instead of finding someone that I am truly compatible with on a multitude of levels, and is "right" for me... Then we can figure out if we want to be parents together or not.

Yup, I think very similarly. If that's "weird" then I don't want to be normal.

I've never been the sort of person who carries around a specific picture or plan for the rest of my life, and I don't ever want to be. There's more than one way to experience satisfaction or a sense of purpose in life. If the stars don't align (so to speak) for kids, I can always do something else with myself. I don't see the point in deciding I just have to have kids, no matter what, and bending the rest of my life around that.
 

Betty Blue

Let me count the ways
Joined
Jan 19, 2010
Messages
5,063
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7W6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Completely different for me.
I was pretty decided that i didnt ever want to have children in the natural way and that i wanted to adopt...right up until i met Mr.Wrong, who i thought was Mr.Right. I fell madly and wildly in love and within two years fell pregnant (much befor i was supposed to) with my first born. I was shocked to find out i was pregnant as i was told it would take around a year to concieve.
I had a planned unplanned pregnancy....baby number two was even more of a shock and Mr.Wrong had become ever wronger but i was already four months pregnant when i found out and the idea of aborting was inconcievable.
I have had two serious relationships since i finally kicked Mr.Wrong back into nonsense land.
I am now with Mr.Perfectionist who is not Mr.Perfect but we are working on it...and me?
Why i'm little Miss.Sunshine :smile:
 

Eckhart

New member
Joined
Jan 6, 2010
Messages
1,090
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
???
I think the same. First I have to be in a relationship with the right person before I think about this question together with my partner. Not only because I think that would make the most sense to me (I do), but also because that task alone seems so far hard enough to achieve that any thoughts beyond that currently are just so far away from me.
 

Tiltyred

New member
Joined
Dec 1, 2008
Messages
4,322
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
468
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I guess you're weird, but it's not like you don't have company, put it that way. A lot of people ask me why I don't have kids and am not married, and just act like it's the most incomprehensible thing in the universe. I've never understood why it's so weird. It's just something I had exacting standards for and would not compromise. The first thing on my list was I had to be able to support them on my own. I worked for Child Support Enforcement briefly when I was 19 and it made a big impression on me, women who couldn't support themselves, with kids they couldn't support. By the time I was making enough money, I had lost interest in having kids. That's one thing. The other thing was, my husband turned out to have a violent temper. He hit the cat so hard he slammed him into the wall and hurt him. No way I was having kids with him. So ... that's how the cookie crumbled. I wanted children but not unless I could give them a decent situation. It's not like the world comes to an end if a few of us don't breed.
 

Adasta

New member
Joined
Oct 20, 2010
Messages
393
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
[MENTION=13402]Saturned[/MENTION]

You are not an E6, I take it.
 

SilkRoad

Lay the coin on my tongue
Joined
May 26, 2009
Messages
3,932
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
[MENTION=13402]Saturned[/MENTION]

You are not an E6, I take it.

Explain the relevance, because I'm e6 and I pretty much agree with [MENTION=13402]Saturned[/MENTION]. ;)

I do worry sometimes about "dying alone" and that sort of thing and I worry about whether I'll find a lasting relationship. But I haven't staked my happiness on getting married. As for kids, I don't seem to have much of a natural desire for them. I would definitely think only in terms of "maybe it could happen if I found the right guy, and we both wanted kids." Though I tend to feel like I would rather be happily childlessly married, but I know that can change when you're with someone you love. But I would rather be single and even not entirely happy (ideally happy and content, but that's not always possible) than unhappily married. And fortunately my parents don't pressure me to get married and start a family, they just want me to be as happy as possible.

The only thing I would say is that this is probably a bit age- dependent or related. I'm 32. In other words, if I wanted to have kids I would have to think about it relatively soon. This has occurred to me a number of times lately. Not in a sort of "oh noooo, biological clock" way, because I honestly think I'm less drawn to babies and children than many or most women. Just in a sort of...hmm, my options are closing down a little bit way. Which isn't the most wonderful thought even if I'm not dying to have kids.
 

Lily flower

New member
Joined
Jun 28, 2010
Messages
930
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2
I always wanted a very large family of children, but it didn't make me jump on the first guy who was available.
 

gandalf

New member
Joined
Jul 4, 2011
Messages
95
MBTI Type
INTJ
I agree with the majority of writers here. Finding Miss Right is my biggest wish right now but I can't really think about whether I really want children before I have found the one to possibly have them with.
 

mmhmm

meinmeinmein!
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
2,280
It's just something I had exacting standards for and would not compromise. The first thing on my list was I had to be able to support them on my own. I worked for Child Support Enforcement briefly when I was 19 and it made a big impression on me, women who couldn't support themselves, with kids they couldn't support. By the time I was making enough money, I had lost interest in having kids.

I wanted children but not unless I could give them a decent situation.

i think along the same lines. there are mandatories
that have to be met before i consciously bring another
person into this world. i want to be able to give them
the same opportunities i was given but i have to be able
to take care of them on my own. it was drilled into my
head to never depend on other people.

if i had an unplanned pregnancy, and at this age,
i would keep it. but everything would be more reactive.
i'm even more afraid that there might be shades of
resentment in the mix too. i don't know. so i prevent
it anyway i can.

if i was ready. and i wanted to share my life
with someone who will be so dependent on
me for like the next 18 years then... omg
i don't even want to think about it.

i do think i'd make a really good aunt. and
i'm my best friend's children's godmother.
and that's just fantastic. i just spoil them
rotten.
 

CrystalViolet

lab rat extraordinaire
Joined
Oct 24, 2008
Messages
2,152
MBTI Type
XNFP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I'm so relieved to read other people hold the same opinion! I get rather tired of being seen as odd, for being single and childless at my age. It's not that I don't want those things, but ideally I do not want to be raising a child by myself, and I want a partner who is at least an equal. I don't want to settle.
However if I inadvertently fall pregnant, I would keep it. I've come to think I'm unusually independent. This isn't to besmirch those that go down the well trodden path...I'm rather envious of them, it just seems that isn't my destiny.
 

CrystalViolet

lab rat extraordinaire
Joined
Oct 24, 2008
Messages
2,152
MBTI Type
XNFP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I'm so relieved to read other people hold the same opinion! I get rather tired of being seen as odd, for being single and childless at my age. It's not that I don't want those things, but ideally I do not want to be raising a child by myself, and I want a partner who is at least an equal. I don't want to settle.
However if I inadvertently fall pregnant, I would keep it. I've come to think I'm unusually independent. This isn't to besmirch those that go down the well trodden path...I'm rather envious of them, it just seems that isn't my destiny.
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Happy Parents (Both!) ---> Happy Marriage (A "Virtual Entity, but Very Real!) ---> Happy Children

(1) You can't have a happy marriage if either spouse is unhappy in the long term.

(2) You can't have happy children if the marriage of the parents is in havoc for the long term.

(3) That's why it's NOT SELFISH for each spouse to maintain their own personal needs for happiness, because it contributes to a happy marriage, and thus results in happy children.

That's what works for my wife and so far as keeping things real on all levels.
No one wants to be unhappy! Life is too short!!!

:solidarity:

-Alex
 

Nijntje

Warflower
Joined
Jun 7, 2009
Messages
3,130
MBTI Type
CRZY
Enneagram
4w5
A friend of mine asked me recently if I ever want to have kids, and I said that that wasn't particularly relevent. (Go go gadget NF overcomplicating things!) She was confused, and so I explained my thought process. (I thought I would post here to see if other NF's think similarly to me, or if I am out of my melon mind.)

Basically I don't think about if I want to have kids or not because I have prerequisites that would need to be fulfilled before kids:

1- I would have to be with the right person in a committed relationship/marriage.
2- We would both have to want to have a child or two.

I feel that if I make me wanting to have a kid come first... then I am just going to leap on the first guy who is sort of ok but also wants kids... Instead of finding someone that I am truly compatible with on a multitude of levels, and is "right" for me... Then we can figure out if we want to be parents together or not.

The End.


BINGBINGBINGBINGBINGBING!!

YOU R WINNAH!!

Yes, this is pretty much how i feel about it.

Although for many years i was adamantly NO KIDS.

Now, as i'm getting older i'm more open to the idea of it, in the right circumstances, with the right person.
 

Betty Blue

Let me count the ways
Joined
Jan 19, 2010
Messages
5,063
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7W6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Oh me too... loads and loads of kids running riot, huge family mealtimes where everyone piches in,
busy and noisy and love:wubbie:
 
Top