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[INFJ] Drama can be boring

SilkRoad

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I was rambling on about drama/dramatic people on one of the blogs and I thought it might be worth a thread. (Or not - let's see how it goes!)

Most of my closer friends are kind of like me - pretty low-key and low-drama, although aware of the difficulties of life and in some cases having had quite a lot of dramatic things happen, but not pursuing it, and trying to handle it in a low-key way.

However, I also have a few friends who seem to pursue it or generate it, and if things go quiet for a bit it's actually a bit of a bad sign because they're liable to explode in some predictably dramatic way at any moment.

I'm realising that I'm starting to find this not only draining but boring. It's like, here we go again. It's a lot more fun with the friends who keep it pretty low-key generally - while we're there for each other with the heavy stuff if needed, we honestly deal with most of our stuff on our own and it's not hugely dramatic. When I see them, we're mostly doing something interesting and fun together based on shared interests and compatible personalities. Whereas with the dramatic people, it's all about them (too much drama for them to be convincingly interested in anything I'm interested in) and after you've known them for a while and similar issues have arisen again and again, it feels like same old same old. I know that might make me sound cruel and dismissive. I try to be supportive but I've taken a bit of a step back, basically. I wouldn't actually say "same old same old". But I can't help feeling it inside, and it's made me jaded with the whole thing, and it's created distance.

I guess I've just always come at it from the "this is draining" perspective, so it was interesting to realise that I'm also getting bored by it. I mean, I think people may pursue drama because it's kind of been the norm in their life, or it's how they continue to feel alive, even if the "alive" is something painful (the brother of one of my most drama-prone friends has described her as a masochist.) But personally I find life interesting when there's a meeting of the minds, when you are emotionally compatible with someone, when you can have lively discussions about shared interests or discover new things through each other, when you can do fun things together. Not when there's always crashing waves of emotion and "she stabbed me in the back" and "my love life is like Romeo and Juliet" 24/7. I might as well acknowledge that I haven't had the kind of life where having drama feels like the norm. So it's harder for me to understand. And yeah. Boring.

It's probably going to be pointed out that I sound condescending...I'm sure I kind of do. But hey, I sometimes get condescended to by the dramatic people for not having had enough of a life. Far from the case, actually. It's not all about maximizing your pain and suffering.
 

rhinosaur

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Yeah, it drains me too. Although usually instead of feeling bored by it I just get annoyed. One thing I've noticed is they think the drama is never their fault, when really it usually is.
 

SilkRoad

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Yeah, it drains me too. Although usually instead of feeling bored by it I just get annoyed. One thing I've noticed is they think the drama is never their fault, when really it usually is.

I have a feeling that at this point it's a combination of boredom and annoyance. :dry:

It's true that there is a tendency for people to not be self-aware in these situations. I can think of another friend who doesn't come across as drama-prone...but she'd have reason to be if she wanted to go down that road; she went through a horrible divorce, various betrayals by friends related to that, has a crazily drama-prone family, etc. And yet, in the few years I've known her she just has almost never come across as "dramatic". Stressed out some of the time, yes, but generally I found her pretty relaxing to be around. But she kept a lot of it to herself (I was a bit astonished when she started opening up more about her life) and crucially, didn't pursue more of it. She was obviously making efforts in the other direction, to keep things on an even keel.

I know I shouldn't judge (I always say that when I'm judging, haha.) But it does seem like some people manage to deal with even a high level of drama without being "dramatic" and generating more. So I've found among other things that I have less sympathy now for those who pursue it relentlessly.
 

rhinosaur

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Yep, I have little sympathy for those who consistently try to stir up shit because they crave the attention/chaos/emotional outpouring. For the record when I said "it's their fault" I didn't mean to imply that people who have suffered through terrible events are to blame for those events. Rather, "it's their fault" when even little things (OMG YOU DIDN'T START THE DISHWASHER) tend to get blown out of proportion. If it's every once in a while -- OK, you were having a bad day, I forgive you and hope you do the same for me. If it's every time I see you -- you're a drama queen and you need to stop.
 

SilkRoad

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I agree, terrible events can happen to anyone and are terrible... However, when people consistently go for relationships that are virtually doomed to failure or at least extreme hardship, and that sort of thing, I ultimately start to have less sympathy when the person complains AGAIN about the hardship/failure. And yeah, drama over tiny things...argh.

I realised this is a bit of a dead end thread though. I just seem to be in need of venting over this type of situation. It's a bit hard to know what to do when I've already stepped back somewhat but still frustrated and, well, bored by all this stuff. Sigh.
 

Crescent Fresh

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Yep, I have little sympathy for those who consistently try to stir up shit because they crave the attention/chaos/emotional outpouring.

One of my friend who's an ENTJ just 'loves' to stir up drama between two friends and always attempt to make one of them jealous purely for the sake of attention. She's also extremely jealous when her friends were close with each other but herself.

If it's not for the long friendship that I've been keeping with her, I swear I would rather want to cut her out of my life.

Though there were many moments that she proved to be quite caring individual, I just hope she can control herself emotionally a bit more.
 

Crescent Fresh

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I know I shouldn't judge (I always say that when I'm judging, haha.) But it does seem like some people manage to deal with even a high level of drama without being "dramatic" and generating more. So I've found among other things that I have less sympathy now for those who pursue it relentlessly.

Also, most drama stems from a direct reflection of incompatibility, of personalities or values, imo.

There are quite a few people (ESFP, INFJ, ENFJ, ISFP in particular) that I had never experience any dramas. Though this ESFP is a VERY dramatic person (toward her sibling, parents, and a few friends) but we never had any major episodes (besides disagreement). Thus I don't think it's really type-related but more of an issue of mutual compatibility.
 

SilkRoad

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^ Crescent: do you mean by "compatibility" that one person might find what someone else is doing/talking about to be ok and not too "dramatic", while another person (with a less compatible personality) will find the drama, well, too dramatic?

I'd have mixed feelings about that. It certainly may be that one person's drama is another person's interesting life, but the people I've known who've been high-drama...well, I tend to be one of the few putting up with them and hanging in there, while others tell me to walk away...so they're obviously seen as drama queens to many...

It certainly seems there was a lot of drama about the forum today... :shock:
 

alcea rosea

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To the original post: What do you mean by drama?
 

SilkRoad

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^ In the case of the person I was mainly thinking of: going from one doomed relationship to another, getting upset because some people criticise these unwise decisions, not learning anything from past experience and always thinking this is the time true love will sort it out, practicalities be damned. Etc.

Making mountains out of molehills, like the woman I know who will yell "YOU ALWAYS BANG THE POTS! YOU KNOW I HATE THAT!" at her husband when he bangs the pots a little.

Sending an email saying "you ended our last chat session with an ellipsis...you made me feel like I was a nuisance and you didn't care!" (I wish I was making this example up.)

Being infatuated with people and then falling out with them in spectacularly emotion-hemorrhaging ways.

That sort of thing...
 
A

Anew Leaf

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I think there is a fine line between people who have dramatic events happen in their life... and people who create/orchestrate drama.

It's the difference between watching Jersey Shore... and just about any other TV show.

I am always there for my friends if they are in the midst of bad things happening to them. I run for the hills when it becomes apparent that my friend is just creating drama to get attention. I am really bad when I sense that someone just wants my attention... I tend to shut down and disappear into the night.
 

Saslou

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I agree with the OP that drama can be monotonous and i try to stay away from it these days. I've had friends/acquantances come to me for assistance and i understand that people deal with stress in different ways so i try not to give so much energy away as it drains the hell out of me.

I have noticed though that some people crave drama, which is a shame. I've never asked why this is but i have wondered if this is because without the drama they may see themselves as normal with non-eventful lives (which isn't a bad thing). Meh.
 

AphroditeGoneAwry

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No one ever thinks they are drama. But most are. Even men.
 

SilkRoad

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I agree with the OP that drama can be monotonous and i try to stay away from it these days. I've had friends/acquantances come to me for assistance and i understand that people deal with stress in different ways so i try not to give so much energy away as it drains the hell out of me.

I have noticed though that some people crave drama, which is a shame. I've never asked why this is but i have wondered if this is because without the drama they may see themselves as normal with non-eventful lives (which isn't a bad thing). Meh.

Not giving away so much energy: yes. Such people are often energy vampires too, I'm afraid.

I think you have a point about some craving it because they don't want to be "normal". My friend of the fatal relationship pattern is an enneagram 4 for sure (not saying all 4s are like this, at all. But taken to an extreme I can see it.) I think there can be something of the "my life is so fatally different, like a movie" sort of thing. I'm just starting to find it terribly...teenage?

I'd actually like to think I'm a relatively good example myself of having had an interesting life, but low-drama. So it is possible.

No one ever thinks they are drama. But most are. Even men.

Everyone has some drama. (And some men are serious drama queens, it's far from confined to women.) But with some, it's insane amounts. I find a lot of it quite manageable up to a point. (I'm not as good at managing my own, though it's mostly internal - it wreaks havoc on my emotional/mental/physical system, but it's not very visible.) There have honestly been a few people in my life though where I kind of have to shake my head, because it's "truth is stranger than fiction" kind of stuff.

I don't like dumping people and I try to be a loyal friend, so I think I'll still hang in there. But more at a distance. That's kind of what I've been striving for anyway. I think I'm generally tired and any drama at all is getting to me at the moment.
 

KDude

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I don't stick around enough to witness drama like that mentioned here. I mean, I'm not around anyone's dating life or anything. I don't like serious drama though, like fights in bars. Even cat fights. Especially the kind involving hissing, vampiric strippers from hell and the nice girls I'm with suddenly wanting to throw a beatdown. Not sure that I'd say it was boring though. In fact, I think it gives me butterflies.
 

SilkRoad

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I don't stick around enough to witness drama like that mentioned here. I mean, I'm not around anyone's dating life or anything. I don't like serious drama though, like fights in bars. Even cat fights. Especially the kind involving hissing, vampiric strippers from hell and the nice girls I'm with suddenly wanting to throw a beatdown. Not sure that I'd say it was boring though. In fact, I think it gives me butterflies.

I think that could be somewhat entertaining as long as no one got knifed or something. I guess I'm thinking more of emotional drama. Emotional is what puts me through the wrinter.
 

KDude

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I think that could be somewhat entertaining as long as no one got knifed or something. I guess I'm thinking more of emotional drama. Emotional is what puts me through the wrinter.

At this point, I'm paranoid of anything happening. I've had two acquaintenances die in bars now. One shot, the other ganged up in a parking lot and beat with a tire iron. And I've faced a gun myself.. except I didn't know those guys.. but it was drama either way.

Not to say cat fights could escalate like that, but I swear, some people out there have a darkness about them. I'm not exagerrating about the vampires. It's kind of how I see it sometimes.
 

SilkRoad

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At this point, I'm paranoid of anything happening. I've had two acquaintenances die in bars now. One shot, the other ganged up in a parking lot and beat with a tire iron. And I've faced a gun myself.. except I didn't know those guys.. but it was drama either way.

Not to say cat fights could escalate like that, but I swear, some people out there have a darkness about them. I'm not exagerrating about the vampires. It's kind of how I see it sometimes.

Oh man, that's so horrible. I'm so sorry. Crazy. Yeah, "drama" almost isn't an adequate word for that. I think if I ever faced the gun, at the very least I'd have to buy a new pair of pants later.

It's true about people having "a darkness" about them. I guess I mostly stay away from situations/places where it can get that extreme. But a few years ago when the mayor of London banned drinking on public transport (and unwisely made a big song and dance about how he was doing it), a lot of people decided for a laugh to go out drinking on the Underground that night. Which could have been funny within reason. But of course people got insanely drunk. I was coming back from a day out with friends and we were at one of the main train stations. We went to get on the Underground and the train came around the corner. The doors opened and I swear it was like this...wave of darkness came out of that train. All the guys had their shirts off, people were banging sticks and smashing things and there was this howling noise from all the shrieking and laughing and it was seriously one of the darkest things I've seen/heard. Not funny, not lighthearted: dark. We turned and ran and got buses home! I will never forget it. It was like one of the closest things I've come to Dante's Inferno.
 

Giggly

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Yes

This is why performers always need new (quality) material.

It's probably not quality if people are getting bored or feeling drained.
 

KDude

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Oh man, that's so horrible. I'm so sorry. Crazy. Yeah, "drama" almost isn't an adequate word for that. I think if I ever faced the gun, at the very least I'd have to buy a new pair of pants later.

It's true about people having "a darkness" about them. I guess I mostly stay away from situations/places where it can get that extreme. But a few years ago when the mayor of London banned drinking on public transport (and unwisely made a big song and dance about how he was doing it), a lot of people decided for a laugh to go out drinking on the Underground that night. Which could have been funny within reason. But of course people got insanely drunk. I was coming back from a day out with friends and we were at one of the main train stations. We went to get on the Underground and the train came around the corner. The doors opened and I swear it was like this...wave of darkness came out of that train. All the guys had their shirts off, people were banging sticks and smashing things and there was this howling noise from all the shrieking and laughing and it was seriously one of the darkest things I've seen/heard. Not funny, not lighthearted: dark. We turned and ran and got buses home! I will never forget it. It was like one of the closest things I've come to Dante's Inferno.

That's an interesting experience.. I can see how you could see that. I don't blame you for taking off.

To be honest, my paranoia is more than I care to admit. I'm both pissed off and a bit afraid sometimes.. I think it's contributed to a heavier introverted lifestyle. I'm not sure where to find myself in the world and it's drama. Hell, maybe I'm being dramatic myself for saying that. Sometimes I wish I was one of those vapid people on those MTV beach shows.. just dancing my life away, not considering all that's lurking in the corners.

lol.. I'll cut it short.
 
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