As a biochemical apparatus, I am extremely sensitive and it doesn't take much to trigger a severe swing in my mood. I shift to extremes of anger, hatred or disgust, or bitterness, aimed at myself or others depending on the context. Being well familiar with myself and this issue, I remain pretty aware of how it is I'm being, and that I don't approve. But I also feel stuck there. Disagreeing with my emotions philosophically doesn't rid me of the chemical circumstance I've been set into. And it takes way too long to dissipate, especially completely. My mood is absolutely ruined and I am also feeling doubly upset or ashamed of myself for being built this way. I can't stand being out of control over my self like this because it means I'm not even myself, or at least certainly no self I approve of or elsewise ever intend to be. It's unhealthy for me and I'm not treating myself nicely at all during. And I'm so, so much less kind and considerate of anyone else while I'm being this explosively emotional narcissist.
Sometimes I try to interfere with it by firmly disapproving of it, rebuking it as though it just isn't there because I think it's completely stupid and I want no part of it. But it really is there and I can't make it go away other than to wait it out. It seems like after I've been triggered, that's it, I'm just going to become some coarse emotional extreme and rot in my discontentment like a child.
It's so humiliating to be going through that and watching yourself the entire time, so disapproving. And this really interferes with my functionality at times.
The problem seems to be more about my sensitivity that takes place in a flash, and severely, rather than the context of whatever it is that I even am feeling. Sometimes while playing a competitive sport that I take quite seriously, I make a mistake, or something surprises me, and it jolts my mood and gives me a ton of anxiety and panic that remains with me even after the issue has been taken care of. And because of that emotional state, I proceed to make countless mistakes that are so beneath my actual proficiency, often causing me to lose. I am then extremely upset with myself for playing so poorly when I spend so much time working to be someone so much better than that.
At that point, I'm extremely disgusted with myself for basically being an idiot. Then I'm disgusted with myself for being this emotional and out of control, internally lashing out at these things that really I should be able to take in stride 100% of the time. Then I just detach myself from the circumstance where things began and try to wait it out, blanking my mind a bit or distracting myself with other things, getting some fresh air etc. But it fades so slowly sstill and I end up circling back around to disapproving of myself for being this way in entirety.
I don't know what to do. I think it's a really pathetic issue, especially at twenty five. It causes me to disrespect myself as a person, directly impacting my esteem. But the more pressing issue is the hazard that I become to myself and others while in the midst of this issue.
Sometimes I think I should just commit completely to meditating when this starts to happen because I have no other idea how to try and completely interfere with this. And even that idea is so embarassing to me, to have to be someone so out of c ontrol of themselves that at times they have to detach from everything - even their social settings or engagements, to focus really hard on keeping some basic self-control. That's so pathetic to me. I don't want to be that kind of person. I don't approve of somebody like that; they aren't even safe to be around and I wouldn't trust their flimsy fail-safe of meditating or whatever.
If only I could avoid being triggered in the first place? But I don't see how.
Does anybody have some advice?