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[Fi] Fi - How Do You Deal With Emotional Invasions?

BAJ

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For a more concrete view, I just leave. I pull up the drawbridge of my castle.

People do one thing, and I feel bad. People do another, and I feel good. And being some sort of praise starved INFP_4, I get sucked into this. I allow myself to feel really good or really bad about what other people's response to my existence.

It's like a control panel with buttons, so what I'm doing is putting security codes on everything or putting sheild so that people have less and less influence on my buttons.

This may be tangential to what you are asking, Saturn'd. Also, it may not be healthy.

If nobody can push any buttons or if the drawbridge is totally closed, then won't I be lonely or die? Must'nt I remain vunerable and put some squishy part out there? Can someone be whole without any umbilicals to others?

I'm not sure where I will be, but I'm cutting off those umbilicals, pulling up the drawbridges, etc. I own my emotions, and my response to the world, and no one else is given government there.

There is an open question about how narcissitic this is, and whether it is healthy, but I feel I can't allow myself to be sucked in any longer. I don't want to invest myself so much in basing my feelings on what other people do. I trim myself back in my expectations.

I guess I'm speaking more universally than your specific situation. However, I think it's applicable. It involves turning the question back on myself rather than expecting others to change. I think that I am responsible for how much I invest myself in what I expect others to do.

Further, I'm describing a castle. I think you are saying that people are already inside. I can scarcly imagine that happening to me, but if it did, I'd probably load them into the catapult, and shoot them to the other side of the forest.
 

animenagai

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Part of me says they should just go fuck themselves. I wish that I could just say those words more. Sadly, part of Fi is also not wanting to hurt anybody and by practice, I often end up not wanting to say what I want to say. The reverse is actually also true, sometimes someone says something and doesn't mean any harm, but I overreact and give them a bad Te bitchslap. It's hard to win.
 

Elfboy

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I have a zero tolerance policy for emotional invasion. personal space, both physically and emotionally is a fundamental human need and right, so I make an effort to define my boundaries clearly in that regard. with 95% of people, it's simply a communication issue and if you just explain to them that they're invading your bubble, they get the picture. if someone does insist on being pushy and invasive, a swift Te/w8 bitch slap usually does the trick.
 

alcea rosea

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I am just curious as to how other Fi users deal with people being emotionally invasive with them.

Do you speak up and tell the person that they are crossing a line?
Do you withdraw and create some distance?
Do you roll with it and let it happen?

Emotionally Invasive: I view this as when people don't respect my emotional boundaries with them. When they expect things from me that primarily benefit them and occasionally hurt me in the process.

I try to remove myself from the situation. Avoiding is my best tactique...
 

Elfboy

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I try to remove myself from the situation. Avoiding is my best tactique...

what if it's someone you have to deal with on a regular basis? say, an unhealthy ENFJ mom who refuses to give you space?
 

alcea rosea

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what if it's someone you have to deal with on a regular basis? say, an unhealthy ENFJ mom who refuses to give you space?

Then I try to keep the contact with them as brief/short as possible. And I try not to go along with their emotional outbursts. It is difficult, I admit.
 

Elfboy

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Then I try to keep the contact with them as brief/short as possible. And I try not to go along with their emotional outbursts. It is difficult, I admit.

do you want to do anything to disincentivize further emotional crowding?
 

King sns

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do you want to do anything to disincentivize further emotional crowding?

That's a good question for any of us- answer is no. If someone is doing that, it usually means they care somehow. I would only want to ward them off as long as it took me to regain my thoughts. Most people in my life who have experienced and overcome this phenomenon know my boundaries.
 

Elfboy

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That's a good question for any of us- answer is no. If someone is doing that, it usually means they care somehow. I would only want to ward them off as long as it took me to regain my thoughts. Most people in my life who have experienced and overcome this phenomenon know my boundaries.

I would not want an emotionally crowding person in my life no matter how much they cared. something is not better than nothing, no relationship is a better alternative than an emotionally toxic one. that's part of the reason the said behavior ensues. people have stopped using classical conditioning all together and it's allowed a plethora of problems to spring up. if people in a toxic relationship would just leave, eventually people would get the point and their would be less emotionally toxic people.
granted, if they make an effort to at least TRY to stop what they're doing, I can work with that, but when someone just refuses to give the other person space, I want to part of a relationship with that person.
 

King sns

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I would not want an emotionally crowding person in my life no matter how much they cared. something is not better than nothing, no relationship is a better alternative than an emotionally toxic one. that's part of the reason the said behavior ensues. people have stopped using classical conditioning all together and it's allowed a plethora of problems to spring up. if people in a toxic relationship would just leave, eventually people would get the point and their would be less emotionally toxic people.
granted, if they make an effort to at least TRY to stop what they're doing, I can work with that, but when someone just refuses to give the other person space, I want to part of a relationship with that person.


Well, in my case, the people "crowding" aren't always emotionally toxic people. I'm just easily crowded. So technically I'm the emotionally toxic one- I normally accept them to come back.
 

Elfboy

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Well, in my case, the people "crowding" aren't always emotionally toxic people. I'm just easily crowded. So technically I'm the emotionally toxic one- I normally accept them to come back.

in that case, we're talking about different things. in your case, yes that seems the prudent thing to do. in the case I was talking about, I don't feel any remorse in shedding an emotionally toxic relationship
 

alcea rosea

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I mean, do you want to do anything to discouraging this behavior in the future?

I believe I cannot change other person's behavior, I can change only my behavior. No, I wouldn't probably do anything to discourage the behavior but maybe try to give a hint "in between the lines" that they shouldn't do that. But I'm not too keen on telling anybody how to behave. I expect people to behave well, lol, but I know it's not working, and people behave "badly" at times (myself included).
 

Elfboy

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I believe I cannot change other person's behavior, I can change only my behavior. No, I wouldn't probably do anything to discourage the behavior but maybe try to give a hint "in between the lines" that they shouldn't do that. But I'm not too keen on telling anybody how to behave. I expect people to behave well, lol, but I know it's not working, and people behave "badly" at times (myself included).
I see well, if you ever do decide to be more assertive with it, it works really well :D
 
A

Anew Leaf

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I believe I cannot change other person's behavior, I can change only my behavior. No, I wouldn't probably do anything to discourage the behavior but maybe try to give a hint "in between the lines" that they shouldn't do that. But I'm not too keen on telling anybody how to behave. I expect people to behave well, lol, but I know it's not working, and people behave "badly" at times (myself included).

lol, i can totally relate to this. i have a personal philosophy of "people should govern themselves." but my cynical inner INTJ says "oh, saturned, you know they cannot so they must be led by those who can."
 

Elfboy

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lol, i can totally relate to this. i have a personal philosophy of "people should govern themselves.

I believe this too, as long as they're not infringing upon the rights of others. however, if someone infringes upon my rights, I will use as much force as needed to take my rights back. I don't ask for my rights, I take them and personal emotional space is definitely a right
 

Santosha

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I believe this too, as long as they're not infringing upon the rights of others. however, if someone infringes upon my rights, I will use as much force as needed to take my rights back. I don't ask for my rights, I take them and personal emotional space is definitely a right

I absolutely agree with you on this. It's funny, because in the daily grind of interactions it never seems this cut and dry, but in the big-big picture, it totally is.
 

Elfboy

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I absolutely agree with you on this. It's funny, because in the daily grind of interactions it never seems this cut and dry, but in the big-big picture, it totally is.

developed Te helps me here. clearly defined boundaries and communication are an absolute must for the healthy of my psyche. I was a hot little fireball until I learned to detach, objectively define boundaries and communicate these boundaries to others.
I think that is the main reason why INFPs tend towards pacifism and ENFPs towards advocacy and protest. Fi and Si deal in absolutes; Ne and Te deal in distinctions, situational adaptability and problem solving
 

alcea rosea

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I see well, if you ever do decide to be more assertive with it, it works really well :D

Yes, :D, I should be more assertive, but as long as I can avoid being one, I will... ;)

lol, i can totally relate to this. i have a personal philosophy of "people should govern themselves." but my cynical inner INTJ says "oh, saturned, you know they cannot so they must be led by those who can."

Yes, you are right. I don't have the inner INTJ to speak reason to me, maybe I should try to find one (inside of my own mind) :D
 
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