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  1. #81
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    almost always, if someone is putting up a fuss, it is because they are offended or frightened. figure out which one it is and proceed accordingly.

  2. #82
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tkae. View Post
    Are you absolutely, 100% positive she's ESFJ?

    My ESTJ grandmother does this a lot...
    Yeah I thought she was ESFJ and she took two different tests and came out ESFJ.

  3. #83
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    almost always, if someone is putting up a fuss, it is because they are offended or frightened. figure out which one it is and proceed accordingly.
    this is interesting. she scored the same as a 2 and as a 6 in the enneagram test. Either way, this whole ideal stems from her being offended

  4. #84
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    AANND just to update, this is all still going on. and stronger than ever.

    She is now accusing me of picking out inexpensive things in the categories that the groom's family is paying for... for example, I don't care about flowers (future mom in law offered to pay for them...), so i said that i'd probably pick something inexpensive since i have no passion towards it.
    Now my mom thinks that I am just doing it because I am scared to have them pay lots of money, when in reality, I'm not really someone who can tell the difference between flowers, let alone if i have a preference if they are real or fake...sooo why not go for cheaper? The future in laws are also buying the DJ for us, and we were deciding between 2 and i picked the cheaper one, and again, my mom was somehow upset about that!

    My mom got mad and thinks i am just making her and dad buy all the expensive stuff. on purpose. I said, okay, so it would make you happy if i picked up expensive flowers for them to pay for? that is the solution? She said no---so i dont understand?

    I explained to her, all of the things that I care about:

    The Dress (mom bought, very grateful!)
    Picking out the colors (cost no money)
    Picking out Bridesmaid dresses (the girls buy them, no cost to her)
    Choosing the music (DJ-- the inlaws bought, no cost to her)
    Photography (She wasnt too fond of who i chose, so I said, okay, me and my fiance will buy them...so again, no cost to her)
    Invitiations (Ehhh i could go either way...and my grandma paid for them, so no cost to my mother)

    And, really, that's about it... I don't care about a lot of things and the things that I care about, SHE ISNT PAYING FOR, sooo i need to get her to understand that when she is complaining about money, it's the things SHES choosing because she wants to IMPRESS people

    Reception hall (I HATE IT, she picked it, very expensive)
    Cake (I could careless and found a cake for like 50$ and she said it's tacky so she wants to pay more)
    alcohol (i could go without she wants it, shes paying more for it)

    its all so ridiculous

    And, i couldnt elope, couldnt do destination wedding because it would end up with our families hating us so we had to do it this way

  5. #85
    Senior Member pinkgraffiti's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elfboy View Post
    I don't mind people saying things are rude, I mind how it's overused at inappropriate times (much the way "weird" and "awkward" are)
    I tell people they are rude if they are being inconsiderate and having a negative effect on others such as doing gross things while others are eating, being disrespectful when unsolicited, interrupting someone continually (interrupting someone on accident happens occasionally, that's a different story) or not giving someone personal space.

    most people use the term "rude" to refer to a variety of behaviors that aren't present within social norms. this usage of the word is what bothers me as it is really none of their business

  6. #86
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    it's the things SHES choosing because she wants to IMPRESS people
    as far as i am aware, traditionally, the mother of the bride is responsible financially and often held accountable for the wedding proceedings.

    i wonder if your mom is concerned that you are going for things that are less nice than what you could have (or than you really want) because you are trying to give the groom's family slack. she may also feel somewhat embarrassed and concerned that the people coming to your wedding might judge you poorly for it, which she wouldn't want for her daughter or herself.

    there must be some coherent underlying problem with the wedding that your mother is feeling for all of these problems to arise... have you tried asking her her concerns and ideas for the wedding? perhaps she feels ignored or abused in some way?

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