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  1. #71
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    The problem is that your mom's guests are drunks and the in-laws guests are not. LOL

    Not entirely serious but there's probably a grain of truth to this.

    And the point of me pointing this pointed point out, is that both sets of parents seem "rude", if we're defining rude as pushing your own agenda on others who don't share it.

    But, of course, determining who gets the rudest parent award is not really productive. Not to mention that, regardless of MBTI type, this is a common problem you are having (i.e. Is it MY wedding or <insert person who is paying> wedding???).

    I wouldn't bother with welling up with anger, developing disdain for my mother, arguing, or putting on any guilt trips. Instead, I would detach just a tiny bit from these things because the wedding is probably going to be beautiful and nice no matter what, get used to the fact that my parents and my in-laws are vastly different and will likely never understand each other or be best of friends (<this is a good thing, actually) and try to keep any sparks from turning into fires until we can finally get to the big day.

    In the meantime, perhaps you can suggest substituting another expense as a good way to remedy this. For example, instead of paying for the cash bar, which your non-drinking in laws may have a biased against already, have them pay for the flowers or something else that you feel is equivalent in cost. You'll have to come up with a creative reason as to why you want to switch costs though.

    Also if you're worried about your mom not understanding your future husband, don't expect her to change the values she's had all her life. It just won't happen. All you and he can do is consistently prove to her over time, through actions, that he's good to you and a good person, even if she doesn't understand your methods and goes about things differently.
    yeah exactly...why are the non drinkers in charge of paying for the alcohol portion anyway? why don't they contribute in another way? and....why offer a gift that's not really a gift...talk about rude...if i ever pay for my kids wedding i will offer them a certain amount and they can do with it what they want...even if they choose to elope and use it for honeymoon and down payment on a house.. i wouldn't care. it should be about the couples wishes and if my advice or help is asked for i will do my best to help them in a way that would make them happiest..not me...and not the guests....i'm pretty picky and opinionated when it comes to style and creating a scene or throwing a party and i'm sure my aesthetic tastes will be offended...but wth are ya gonna do...it's their day.
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  2. #72
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    It's your wedding, not your mom's. She got to plan her wedding, and you should plan yours the way you want.

  3. #73
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    So far I think @Giggly and my suggestion were the best so far - have your husband's family contribute monetarily to something else. It's both the thought and the money that counts here and will take care of the tension.

    Giggly!

    Also, I know that in the West weddings are considered a very individual thing - but marriages are really about two families meeting for better or worse and this is reflected in the wedding.

    Also, unless you pay for a wedding completely yourself, the opinions and wishes of the people footing the bill does go a long way. That's why I've heard of some couples saying "fuhget it" and paying entirely for the wedding themselves so they can do whatever they want and ignore the haterz.
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  4. #74
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    I don't know if anyone has said it yet but I wonder if she's worrying that everyone is going to be judging her social graces and hospitality via your wedding. If her name is on the invitations, she might feel her reputation is front and center. I have known a lot of brides whose mothers have felt the wedding is a direct reflection of how they raised their daughter. And if she's also concerned with impressing others, that's a double whammy.

    As to how to get through to her... Hmm, maybe like,"Mom you raised me to be my own person (or considerate of others or whatever) and that's what I'm doing. This wedding symbolizes the start of a new family and it's very important to me that everyone in that family feels respected. That's what I want on this day." And yes, I'm sure you'll get a ton of guilting for it, but you're just going to have to recognize that as her trying to get her own way or trying to shrug blame for behaving badly, and quietly push ahead. That's how you start to make firm boundaries that she'll respect.

    Is it possible she's just highly verbal and venting? I know people who do that and it apparently means nothing after they get it all out. It's maddening when people resort to the guilting though.

  5. #75
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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  6. #76
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    Also, I know that in the West weddings are considered a very individual thing - but marriages are really about two families meeting for better or worse and this is reflected in the wedding.
    I would prefer if the two families got along but what do you do if they don't?

    The scene of the in laws being very different yet quietly tolerating each other at family gatherings is often portrayed in the movies, but is probably very common. I think it prevents the closeness that the meeting of two families is supposed to be, ideally. Ideally, the two families are more alike than not and everything goes smoothly (). In the absence of that, when they're very different, hopefully they can be non-selfish and try to get along with the in laws for the sake of the bride and groom. The trivial upside to that is that at least they won't ever collude together and gang up on you. lol

  7. #77
    Senior Member pinkgraffiti's Avatar
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    Omg, I seriously hate that "you are being rude". Grrr It's like: what does that even mean?? if:
    - i am not hurting your feelings and
    - i am being honest
    Then who cares if my actions follow some unspoken rules of etiquette? God, I hate this one to bits. It's like: appreciate the fact that I'm being honest, why would you prefer me being false?

  8. #78
    Senior Member tkae.'s Avatar
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    Are you absolutely, 100% positive she's ESFJ?

    My ESTJ grandmother does this a lot...
    "Not knowing how near the truth is, we seek it far away." -Ekaku Hakuin
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  9. #79
    Certified Sausage Smoker Elfboy's Avatar
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    I don't mind people saying things are rude, I mind how it's overused at inappropriate times (much the way "weird" and "awkward" are)
    I tell people they are rude if they are being inconsiderate and having a negative effect on others such as doing gross things while others are eating, being disrespectful when unsolicited, interrupting someone continually (interrupting someone on accident happens occasionally, that's a different story) or not giving someone personal space.

    most people use the term "rude" to refer to a variety of behaviors that aren't present within social norms. this usage of the word is what bothers me as it is really none of their business
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  10. #80
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    My response to people like the OP's mother who fret over the details of others' lives is usually along the lines of.. "cry about it some more." Well, usually "don't sweat the small stuff," but I like to pretend that I'm an overly blunt badass.


    God, weddings (and holidays, and etc.) shouldn't be so stressful. They only get stressful when everyone forgets what they're supposed to be about. If you're having heated arguments with someone about the type of cake that they serve at their wedding or whether or not they send Christmas cards, you are probably very neurotic and closed-minded and need to examine your own life.

    At a wedding, you're uniting two individuals and, if everyone so sees fit, their families too. If you're uniting the families, maybe the families ought to try to understand one another.


    Edit: Wait a minute, the family's paying for the thing? I guess they might deserve some say-so, but they should still heed the above advice. Boy, stuff sure is complicated sometimes. A great way for a couple to un-complicate things is to pay for their own wedding. But that never really happens.

    Quote Originally Posted by tkae. View Post
    Are you absolutely, 100% positive she's ESFJ?

    My ESTJ grandmother does this a lot...
    Let's just blame the S's in general. Since this is an NF subforum and S's are a minority on this forum overall, it'll magically be okay for some reason

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