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  1. #51
    Warflower Nijntje's Avatar
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    Tell her that you value her opinion and are grateful that she wants to help with the planning as much as possible, but that she's already got to have HER wedding, and this is YOURS and that if she keeps pressuring you that you'll elope and she wont be a part of it.

    My mum is ESFJ. I have to call her on her emotional BS a lot of the time to get anywhere. That being said, i love her like crazy. She just annoys the hell out of me sometimes.

    Terrible things happen to good people every day.
    Consequentially, I am not one of the good people.
    I am one of the terrible things.
    .



    Conclusion: Dinosaurs


  2. #52
    Aquaria mrcockburn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    If you'll excuse me, I'll be over in the corner beating the living fuck out of Audrey.
    And then when the jackass's living fuck is out:

    3w4-9w1-?w6 (nearly headless nick)
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  3. #53
    Senior Member ICUP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nijntje View Post
    Tell her that you value her opinion and are grateful that she wants to help with the planning as much as possible, but that she's already got to have HER wedding, and this is YOURS and that if she keeps pressuring you that you'll elope and she wont be a part of it.
    Good example of using boundaries:

    Nijntje created a boundary:
    If you keep pressuring me, I will elope.
    If you do X, I will do Y, is the basic boundary structure.

    Nijntje also displays healthy ideas concerning her stuff / my stuff. She knows that the wedding is hers, and while allowing input is okay, it's ultimately her decision. No manipulation allowed.
    ISTP 6w5 sx/sp
    6-8-4/6-9-4 Tritype

  4. #54
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Juice View Post
    Awww, poor baby, did she ruin your sweet 16 party too?

    [YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90HhZ-pyC2Y"]\/[/YOUTUBE]
    Lol you are kind of missing the point. I am not a super princessy girl. I don't want or need some elaborate fancy wedding. Though, the ESFJ does. And I care more about the ISTJs getting judged and put in a bad light

    To be clear, I am more concerned about these relationships than having my dream wedding. I'm
    Not that kind of girl lol. I just want the ESFJ to be able to
    Understand that she can't have everything her way when other people's memories and ideas are involved

  5. #55
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    It's the grooms family and not the bride's mother who would be responsible for bar, though! I can't really see how that video has anything to do with the tone of the OP.

    She's not complaining about the tyranny of her mum forcing stuff she doesn't want on her, but rather is embarrassed that her mother is telling everyone who will listen how cheap the groom's family is because they don't want an open bar. It appears to me that her concern is treating her future inlaws respectfully, particular when the whole open bar issue is not centred around money, but about differing views on alcohol.
    Yes! Thank you!

  6. #56
    ThatGirl
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    I apologize in advance if I come off as a judgmental or if I seem like I am using stereotypes... that being said....


    I CANNOT TAKE FE!!!!!!!!! (in ESFJs)

    I can't take it anymore. I can't win. Ever. I can't defend anyone else's point of views if it is different than the Fe-user's POV. This is ridiculous and it is rude on their part to pass judgement on EVERYONE ELSE and their opinions.

    One person does an act of kindness
    "WELL, IF THEY WANTED TO DO A NICE GUESTURE, THEY SHOULD HAVE DOES TTTHHHISSSS INSTEAD OF THAT. THAT IS JUST CHEAP AND DEMEANING"

    Honestly, what is going on in their heads? Do they think that they are better and more classy than everyone? Do they have this competitiveness going on and they just want to beat out everyone? What is it??

    I'm planning an wedding (I'm an ENFP marrying and ISTJ) and my future in laws are ISxJ and ISTJ.

    The ISTJs are very conservative and if they do anything that reflects their Christian-conservative outlook, my ESFJ mother calls it rude/unclassy/cheap.

    Example: They don't drink alcohol so they'd prefer there to be a cash bar to help monitor that amount of drunk people / why would they pay hundreds of dollars for an open bar that a majority of their guests won't touch?

    It makes sense to me, but explaining a different outlook to my ESFJ mom is ridiculous. How can I make her understand that not everyone is like her. Not everyone drinks or celebrates the same way she does.

    ** And there is more frustrations when I try and voice my opinion about anything that has to do with my ideas for my own wedding... she doesn't agree with anything I say, anything that is different than what she's seen 30 years ago is viewed as TACKY.

    I could go on and on. I am sorry if I am being rude but I am at my wit's end with her Fe. I need to understand it. Someone help me find a way to talk to her and get her to see someone else's point of view
    I was just saying, literally, how I loathe Fe. As a function, it doesn't even make sense. It is poison, contradicts itself, and shouldn't be allowed to exist.

    I know how to solve your dilemma....call off the wedding, or stand your ground against her, either way you're going to need that open bar...

  7. #57
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    I don't have a problem with Fe. I in fact like it. Then again, I am a So-primary and was raised in an old-school east Asian Confucian style household, so things like rules, tradition, order, this is the way it's "supposed" to be done - kinda used to it and I can respect it. Doesn't bother me. If I don't like a rule, I just don't follow it and don't make a big fuss about it, I just keep doing my own thing until people who can assert authority over me give up and I tune out the rest of the haterz.

    Making a big fuss about it is something that Fi will naturally want to do and that's the worst way to go about it. You will NEVER win over tradition unless you are trying to make a heroic stand and turn the tides of hundreds of years or whatnot of tradition and group-think. That's not what you are trying to do. You are just trying to be an outlier and be different in peace.

    Since the crux seems to be your family interpreting your in-laws actions as being cheap and selfish, just really explain to them that it is about views on alcohol and religion, not that they are being cheap.

    Also, your family may have legitimate gripes that they are shouldering more of the wedding costs now that your husband's family is refusing to pay for an open bar. I think what might go a long way to 'proving' to your family that 1) the open bar issue was about solid Christian values and not being cheap and 2) your husband's family is willing and able to contribute financially to the wedding - is if your husband's family contributes a similar amount of money (or just the "thought" that counts sort of thing) to another aspect of the wedding. Maybe they can pay for tailoring of the bridesmaids dresses or spring for a limo for your family/wedding party. I dunno, I have no idea how weddings are run and how responsibilities are supposed to be split amongst bridal party and family. But, you get the gist.

    If your husband's family is able to do that, I think that will allay any root suspicions and gripes your family has about your husband's family.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  8. #58
    Senior Member ICUP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatGirl View Post
    I was just saying, literally, how I loathe Fe. As a function, it doesn't even make sense. It is poison, contradicts itself, and shouldn't be allowed to exist.
    Maybe you should start a crusade to kill all the Fe users. Sounds like a possibility for you.
    ISTP 6w5 sx/sp
    6-8-4/6-9-4 Tritype

  9. #59
    Aquaria mrcockburn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ICUP View Post
    Maybe you should start a crusade to kill all the Fe users. Sounds like a possibility for you.
    For or against the sake of ISTPs and INTPs, would the 1 drop rule apply?
    3w4-9w1-?w6 (nearly headless nick)
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  10. #60
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    I don't have a problem with Fe. I in fact like it. Then again, I am a So-primary and was raised in an old-school east Asian Confucian style household, so things like rules, tradition, order, this is the way it's "supposed" to be done - kinda used to it and I can respect it. Doesn't bother me. If I don't like a rule, I just don't follow it and don't make a big fuss about it, I just keep doing my own thing until people who can assert authority over me give up and I tune out the rest of the haterz.

    Making a big fuss about it is something that Fi will naturally want to do and that's the worst way to go about it. You will NEVER win over tradition unless you are trying to make a heroic stand and turn the tides of hundreds of years or whatnot of tradition and group-think. That's not what you are trying to do. You are just trying to be an outlier and be different in peace.

    Since the crux seems to be your family interpreting your in-laws actions as being cheap and selfish, just really explain to them that it is about views on alcohol and religion, not that they are being cheap.

    Also, your family may have legitimate gripes that they are shouldering more of the wedding costs now that your husband's family is refusing to pay for an open bar. I think what might go a long way to 'proving' to your family that 1) the open bar issue was about solid Christian values and not being cheap and 2) your husband's family is willing and able to contribute financially to the wedding - is if your husband's family contributes a similar amount of money (or just the "thought" that counts sort of thing) to another aspect of the wedding. Maybe they can pay for tailoring of the bridesmaids dresses or spring for a limo for your family/wedding party. I dunno, I have no idea how weddings are run and how responsibilities are supposed to be split amongst bridal party and family. But, you get the gist.

    If your husband's family is able to do that, I think that will allay any root suspicions and gripes your family has about your husband's family.
    This sounds like a good idea to me...

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