User Tag List

Results 1 to 8 of 8

  1. #1
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,939

    Default Why am I like this?

    I posted in the "inner demons" thread and got thinking about it.

    Why is it so hard for me to forgive people who have seriously hurt my feelings? Why do I subsequently want them to get their comeuppance, and resent it if things go well for them?

    It's a serious problem for me - it's eaten away at me on more than one occasion in my life. And the thing is, if things do ultimately go badly for them, I start to feel bad about my unpleasant thoughts. Almost like I ill-wished them, though that's not really it.

    I think it has something to do with an offended sense of justice; it just seems like the universe is out of whack when people are selfish, I get hurt, and then things go well for them.

    It would be better if I could let go a bit more, because for one thing, I really do believe in "you reap what you sow." (Also known as "what goes around comes around", "karma", etc). So if someone really has not behaved well - even if it has a bad effect on me - there will be consequences for them ultimately.

    Frankly I am pretty sure that in part, it is also me projecting, or something like that. I mean - I am not just angry with them, but I am angry with myself. For trusting too much, for idealizing too much, for over-investing in people without really seeing their true nature...etc.

    I try to tell myself all this, but it's still a problem.

    Anyone else?
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  2. #2
    Honor Thy Inferior Such Irony's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INtp
    Enneagram
    5w6 sp/so
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    5,091

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post

    I think it has something to do with an offended sense of justice; it just seems like the universe is out of whack when people are selfish, I get hurt, and then things go well for them.

    Anyone else?
    Yes, me. Particularily the bolded part.
    INtp
    5w6 or 9w1 sp/so/sx, I think
    Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff
    Neutral Good
    LII-Ne




  3. #3
    Uniqueorn William K's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    986

    Default

    Agree with @SuchIrony. It's a matter of fairness. I have a lot of trouble with people jumping queues especially when driving. It's not really about being angry because they get 'rewarded' for breaking the rules, it's more that it's being unfair to all those people who are patiently waiting in line.

    As for letting go of negative feelings, instead of thinking how you are going to 'punish' the offender, perhaps think of how you can help the offended to balance the scales again?
    4w5, Fi>Ne>Ti>Si>Ni>Fe>Te>Se, sp > so > sx

    appreciates being appreciated, conflicted over conflicts, afraid of being afraid, bad at being bad, predictably unpredictable, consistently inconsistent, remarkably unremarkable...

    I may not agree with what you are feeling, but I will defend to death your right to have a good cry over it

    The whole problem with the world is that fools & fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. ~ Bertrand Russell

  4. #4
    Senior Member copperfish17's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    5w4 sp/so
    Socionics
    INTj
    Posts
    712

    Default

    OP: I can't say I empathize, but I do sympathize with you; since this topic intrigues me, I'll just jot down a few words about my own stance on the issue.

    I seem have a slightly different mindset from you (and by the way, I don't mean to imply that either of our perspectives are inherently superior/healthier). I genuinely accept that life is unfair, and am fine with my enemies getting along well. Well... to be honest it's more like I couldn't care less. Everyone will face hardships sooner or later... Besides, conflicts are inevitable with relationships. People have and will hurt each other endlessly in their struggles to coexist. As long as there are no ongoing issues that can cause more problems in the future, I prefer to just forget about things that make me upset. It's not that I'm denying my feelings; I forget after I have understood the root of the problem and/or pain. To be fair, detachment is an easy task for me and I tend to move on very fast. Once I move on, I never look back.

    Regarding my attitude towards people in general: I expect nothing from most people and thus am seldom disappointed in anyone. The one thing I do expect people to be is selfish. However, I don't blame anyone for their selfishness because I perceive myself to be selfish as well. It's only natural people wish well for themselves IMO. Now, I don't expect people to be selfless, so people who truly are giving and selfless both awe and confuse me at the same time.

    You can say I am distrusting and skeptical - sure, there are people I care about very much, but I strongly believe that affection and trust are separate issues. For the most part, I am happy to support myself on my own; I find that a dash of cynicism makes for better mental health. Other people may feel differently, though.
    Enneagram: 5w4 5-9-2 (5w4 9w1 2w1) sp/so

    "Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience." - Greg King
    The worst mistake people make in political arguments is assuming that the other side is not trying to do the right thing. This simple oversight makes productive conversation nearly impossible.

  5. #5
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,939

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by copperfish17 View Post
    OP: I can't say I empathize, but I do sympathize with you; since this topic intrigues me, I'll just jot down a few words about my own stance on the issue.

    I seem have a slightly different mindset from you (and by the way, I don't mean to imply that either of our perspectives are inherently superior/healthier). I genuinely accept that life is unfair, and am fine with my enemies getting along well. Well... to be honest it's more like I couldn't care less. Everyone will face hardships sooner or later... Besides, conflicts are inevitable with relationships. People have and will hurt each other endlessly in their struggles to coexist. As long as there are no ongoing issues that can cause more problems in the future, I prefer to just forget about things that make me upset. It's not that I'm denying my feelings; I forget after I have understood the root of the problem and/or pain. To be fair, detachment is an easy task for me and I tend to move on very fast. Once I move on, I never look back.

    Regarding my attitude towards people in general: I expect nothing from most people and thus am seldom disappointed in anyone. The one thing I do expect people to be is selfish. However, I don't blame anyone for their selfishness because I perceive myself to be selfish as well. It's only natural people wish well for themselves IMO. Now, I don't expect people to be selfless, so people who truly are giving and selfless both awe and confuse me at the same time.

    You can say I am distrusting and skeptical - sure, there are people I care about very much, but I strongly believe that affection and trust are separate issues. For the most part, I am happy to support myself on my own; I find that a dash of cynicism makes for better mental health. Other people may feel differently, though.
    I'd like to be more like this, really. However, moving on is extremely difficult for me, which is probably in part an FJ/TP thing. It takes me ages to move on but then I don't look back much...or, well, I still look back a bit, but without much emotion. But it takes forever to get to that stage. Closure is almost a non-existent concept for me, partly because I'm kind of avoidant - that's partly my fault, I guess. But I've found that sometimes when I seek closure it gets me hurt even worse, so I'm very wary now.

    It definitely has to do with an offended sense of justice. The quotation from Plato "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" helps me a little, but it just doesn't get rid of all those feelings of resentment and even wanting a bit of revenge.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  6. #6
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I'd like to be more like this, really. However, moving on is extremely difficult for me, which is probably in part an FJ/TP thing. It takes me ages to move on but then I don't look back much...or, well, I still look back a bit, but without much emotion. But it takes forever to get to that stage. Closure is almost a non-existent concept for me, partly because I'm kind of avoidant - that's partly my fault, I guess. But I've found that sometimes when I seek closure it gets me hurt even worse, so I'm very wary now.
    Yeah, it could be more TP in nature.

    I relate to Copperfish here: I can be hurt pretty bad by someone's behavior toward me, but I also have a really hard time holding a grudge. It automatically dissipates and I just want to deal with what is happening "in the now" and move on with my life, even if I keep track of people's behavior just so I am not blindsided in the future. And if someone who hurt me changes/wants to make amends, I have a hard time not accepting that if it's sincere. I've had to accept it as just the way I am.

    Likewise, while there are some people I do admire and look up to, I've never really been disillusioned once I had a few experiences as a teen that drove the point home... we're all human, we all screw up, including me, and I just don't get that bent about it. Purposeful hypocrisy can get a rise out of me, but it just changes how I interact with someone, it doesn't mean I get absorbed and hold a grudge.

    I know it can be harder for FJs, the ones I have talked to. In fact, probably any apologies I am making here ("I tried to hold a grudge and I just can't!") stems from being in a pretty FJ environment and feeling like I'm betraying one of them by not being able to hold the same grudge. I'm loyal to my friends, but I just can't hold a grudge.

    It definitely has to do with an offended sense of justice. The quotation from Plato "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" helps me a little, but it just doesn't get rid of all those feelings of resentment and even wanting a bit of revenge.
    As an aside, this is kind of why I always typed King David in the OT as an INFJ... he definitely harbored resentment against those who wronged him or his people or JHWH, and wanted to implement revenge... he couldn't seem to let it go either.

    Anyway, it's likely something you do need to just accept about yourself, as part of how you work... it just is what it is... and then figure out how to engage it productively rather than letting it consume you or derail your own life somehow.

    Are there any positive ways you can engage the situation, to kind of "distract you" from the negative aspects of it? You know, by investing positively in something related (and thus earmarking that personal energy for something good) rather than finding your energy getting sucked into the negative cycle?

    Quote Originally Posted by William K View Post
    As for letting go of negative feelings, instead of thinking how you are going to 'punish' the offender, perhaps think of how you can help the offended to balance the scales again?
    Yeah, that kind of thing is what I am getting at here. The energy is being invested no matter what, so maybe it can be rechanneled into a more positive outcome.

    Agree with SuchIrony. It's a matter of fairness. I have a lot of trouble with people jumping queues especially when driving. It's not really about being angry because they get 'rewarded' for breaking the rules, it's more that it's being unfair to all those people who are patiently waiting in line.
    Yes, that's I typically get upset too in that situation.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  7. #7
    Honor Thy Inferior Such Irony's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INtp
    Enneagram
    5w6 sp/so
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    5,091

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I'd like to be more like this, really. However, moving on is extremely difficult for me, which is probably in part an FJ/TP thing. It takes me ages to move on but then I don't look back much...or, well, I still look back a bit, but without much emotion. But it takes forever to get to that stage. Closure is almost a non-existent concept for me, partly because I'm kind of avoidant - that's partly my fault, I guess. But I've found that sometimes when I seek closure it gets me hurt even worse, so I'm very wary now.

    It definitely has to do with an offended sense of justice. The quotation from Plato "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" helps me a little, but it just doesn't get rid of all those feelings of resentment and even wanting a bit of revenge.
    Thanks a lot. Now you got me doubting my INTP type once again.
    INtp
    5w6 or 9w1 sp/so/sx, I think
    Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff
    Neutral Good
    LII-Ne




  8. #8
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    5,619

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I posted in the "inner demons" thread and got thinking about it.

    Why is it so hard for me to forgive people who have seriously hurt my feelings? Why do I subsequently want them to get their comeuppance, and resent it if things go well for them?

    It's a serious problem for me - it's eaten away at me on more than one occasion in my life. And the thing is, if things do ultimately go badly for them, I start to feel bad about my unpleasant thoughts. Almost like I ill-wished them, though that's not really it.

    I think it has something to do with an offended sense of justice; it just seems like the universe is out of whack when people are selfish, I get hurt, and then things go well for them.

    It would be better if I could let go a bit more, because for one thing, I really do believe in "you reap what you sow." (Also known as "what goes around comes around", "karma", etc). So if someone really has not behaved well - even if it has a bad effect on me - there will be consequences for them ultimately.

    Frankly I am pretty sure that in part, it is also me projecting, or something like that. I mean - I am not just angry with them, but I am angry with myself. For trusting too much, for idealizing too much, for over-investing in people without really seeing their true nature...etc.

    I try to tell myself all this, but it's still a problem.

    Anyone else?
    It is amazing to me how well I relate to your posts. I mean, not just this one...but almost all of them it seems. The only problem...is then that becomes all I can say. That I relate - but have no 'answers' or 'advice' or anything meaningful to add to the conversation because I am at the same loss. I always end up wanting to say "when you figure it out...let me know!"

    I guess if I quickly do the math...an INFJ 6w5 & an ENFP 7w6...have NF 6 in common. And what you put forth (as far as I'm concerned)...seems to be a big one. The 'plight' of the NF 6 - so to speak. Basically waking up each morning...only to be reminded over and over that the world is NOTHING like you imagine it to be...like you think it should be. Z Buck McFate was speaking once (with regards to INFJs)...about possessing a 'we are all in this together' state of mind. I don't remember exactly what she was speaking to beyond that...still that phrase really jumped-out at me. I go through life (a fool I suspect)...believing 'we are all in this together'...yet everything around me...every experience I have...tells me otherwise. That NO ONE ELSE seems to think this way! And it is frustrating. Not only because my brain is hard-wired for a world (I'm having to come to terms with) that doesn't appear to exist. But also because I can't seem to let-go of wanting it to exist. Of wanting people to behave in a manner that demonstrates that 'we are all in this together'. Ummm...I'm starting to maybe not make sense here LOL! I'll quit while I'm ahead. Just wanted to say that I relate!

Similar Threads

  1. [INFJ] Why do my INFJ friend behaves like this?
    By shanix in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 10-23-2015, 05:23 AM
  2. [MBTItm] Why people don't like this approach ?
    By Virtual ghost in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 137
    Last Post: 04-08-2010, 12:31 PM
  3. [MBTItm] Why do I get this feeling that I don't know who I am?
    By dee in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 18
    Last Post: 12-25-2008, 08:39 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO