User Tag List

12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 11

  1. #1
    Junior Member nyc bred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    8

    Default INTJ falling for INFJ friend. Help? (Long read)

    I had her take the test recently, and her MBTI is INFJ.
    I've never been in a relationship, I've never kissed a girl or even held a girls hand so all this is new to me.
    Even though I've never had a relationship, it's not as if I've never had the chance. I've just come to realize that it takes more than looks for me to like a girl contrary to what my younger self believed.

    Background info:
    I met this girl in college approximately 2 years ago. She's 21 and I'm 23. We were more acquaintances than anything during those years. We would grab lunches between classes here and there, have study groups, and a few times walk around the city just chatting. She's always had a boyfriend since I've known her but they broke up recently (two months now). My educated guess is that they were together for about 3 years give or take. She used to invite me out with her and the bf a lot but I only met him once since I didn't feel comfortable being a third wheel. They still keep in touch and hangout which is expected since they've been dating since high school and they run in the same social circle.

    From what I've gathered, she is independent, friendly, VERY mature (unlike the other early 20's females who claim to be), intelligent, genuine, introverted, hardworking, and open minded. She's very much a country/nature girl while I'm an urban city guy. She came to the city for school/the ex was here for school so that was a big part of why she came. She has never cancelled on me except the one time her dog had to go to the hospital and if she's running late, she always lets me know. I've never introduced her to any of my friends because well...all we really do is smoke weed, play games, and watch TV.

    Her ex has been gone the past few weeks and came back the weekend that just passed. Since he's been gone, I've been getting to know her a lot better and I'm beginning to have feelings for her. I know she needs time to get over the ex and I'm not trying to force the issue or anything but I just need advice on what I should be doing. In her words, they're "just friends."

    7/23/11
    I first took her to a Broadway show just because I wanted to go and my friends aren't into that. I figured it would help her get her mind off the breakup. We went, had a good time, grabbed a quick bite to eat afterwards, drank a little, and I drove her home.

    8/4/11
    We went to watch a indie flick which turned out to be pretty good. We had time to kill so we walked around the neighborhood, grabbed a bite to eat. She walked/stood relatively close, invading my personal space which I'm not used to. Our hands brushed a few times, and I was sort of tempted to hold her hand but I didn't. Stayed in the theater for a bit after it ended and started talking about religion, god, beliefs, etc. Both of us turn out to be agnostic/atheist. She invited me to her place a few days later to watch a movie and smoke with her and her roommate. We all began to fall asleep during the movie so I left pretty early and met up with my friends.

    She drunk dialed me a couple days after that about 4 in the morning. I had just gotten home so I didn't mind the call. It was mostly her talking, and after we hung up, we continued the conversation online till 5am when she passed out.

    8/13/11
    We went to the zoo on Saturday and spent the whole day together pretty much. The 5 hours we spent together flew by quickly. I don't remember every little detail but she was laughing/giggling ALOT at the things I was saying. They weren't even jokes, just how I normally talk. She asked if I wanted to share an ice cream, I agreed. I thought she'd get two spoons but nope, she got one and we both used it. She would also take my water and drink it like it was hers. Not that I mind, but I'm not used to that.

    {break}
    I've never been a touchy feely guy but now that I look back on it, there were definitely times during the zoo trip that she was standing close enough or in a position where I could've initiated something such as lending her a hand to help her up a somewhat steep mini hill. There were plenty of casual touches throughout our hangouts, but I don't think they were significant enough to mean anything. Such as sharing food, reaching for my phone when I'm driving, walking next to each other, etc.

    I could never tell the difference between being friendly vs. interested, and as my friends tell me, I often see things that aren't there and often mistaken friendliness for more so I'm not too keen on getting my hopes up. The other "bad signs" is that she has referred to me as 'friend' on more than one occasion. The ex came back, and as much as I like spending time with her, I don't want to be there when the ex is there (I can't help it).
    {/break}

    8/18/11
    She had to write a long paper so I told her to call me if she's still up. She ended up calling me at 1am and we talked for a little bit. I was drunk at the bar so I don't really remember what I was saying. But I do remember saying "Well, I'd definitely really like to see you again before the semester starts." (In my head, I was assuming it would be the following week.)

    8/19/11
    She texts me early afternoon about some random thing. We text back and forth a few times, and I asked her when she gets off but she didn't respond so it was w/e. She originally had plans to go to a comedy show, but she 'wasn't in the mood', so she changed her plans to watching a movie at her friends. (Which she didn't go because she was already with me by the time she was supposed to be at her friends.) So, she ended up calling me after ignoring my text and we went out that Friday night. She invited a friend of hers last minute but he ended up not coming. Went to shoot pool + drink a little, and grabbed pizza at the end. I tried to find opportunities to make a move, and tried to gauge her level of attraction both of which came up negative. Took a picture of each other shooting pool. She used the one I took of her as a FB picture right away.

    Music was loud at the pool hall so we drank a little, shot pool, and talked minimally. Afterwards, we grabbed a slice, talked till they kicked us out for closing. Got back in the car, and we ended up sitting there for an hour talking about really personal stuff (even more personal than the first time) till I drove her home.

    I ended up sharing stuff with her that even my closest friends don't know. I think she did the same. She told me things about her father (memories) and her family (problems and whatnot) before her father passed. How she never had a sense of home since she moved so much + the pride she used to take in being able to stay disconnected from people in general. (I am/was the same way) We also talked about our fears among MANY MANY other things which I would not be able to type into a paragraph. Shared our 'culture' with each other. I'm a urban Asian kid, and she's a suburban half white/half black girl, so it was a very interesting, vulnerable, open discussion.

    With each meetup, she opens up more and more. At first it was the typical "How was work? How was your day? What'd you do this week?" It slowly turned into more serious topics, goals in life, beliefs, our families. I love our conversations. It is a huge change from the other girls I talk to who yap all day about nothing. I actually have respect for this girl, she doesn't come off as a dumb brick like many other young females I've come across. The only times where I sort of blank out and stare into space is when she brings up her ex (which she does pretty often).

    I don't know what the deal is now, but I feel that I SHOULD be losing interest in her. I've been thinking about this the whole day, and I'm getting the feeling that I have to start 'protecting' myself from her or at the very least be wary of her. My guess is that because now she knows all my major thoughts, fears, experiences, personal things that I've hidden deep inside that makes me who I am today. In other words, I feel like she knows too much, and my trust issues are acting up.

    8/20/11
    The ex came back, they went to pick him up and then went out for drinks + pool. She invited me to go, but needless to say that I didn't.

    The more I think about it, I realize she's a very 'take-charge' type of person which I admire since I'm very indecisive. Thinking back, on most of our outings, she was usually the one that led the way in what I perceived as random walking. There were other moments too. Because of this, I feel that if she WAS interested, it wouldn't be what I see now as mixed signals, she'd either let me know, or it'd be fairly obvious. She also said she wasn't the type of person to go on dates with random people, and that she is supposedly the friends first type.

    I should also add that there were probably some things that I shouldn't have told her but did anyway. Take from that what you will.

    8/22/11
    Talked to her online. We were supposed to get together on Thursday and do something but she had to cancel since her mom is visiting so it's understandable.
    I apologized for barraging her with questions and talking too much that night (8/19/11) but she said she wasn't uncomfortable and "even if she wasn't drunk she wouldn't have been". We ended the convo cause she went to meet her ex to grab food.

    8/23/11
    Yesterday, we had an earthquake in the northeast, and we felt it in New York. After I made sure my parents were alright, I texted her. We went back and forth for a little bit until she ignored my last text again. But ended up calling me 1-2 hours later and made sure I was alright. (This left a big smile on my face.)

    Oh, did I mention she's taller than me by an inch or two? Lol.
    I definitely don't want to be a rebound.

    I kind of want to make a move but not sure how to go about it...
    I've been paying for alot of the outings. Tickets, etc. She usually pays for the food.

    Thanks if you've read all of it.
    Thoughts of any kind or advice would be greatly appreciated!

  2. #2
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    2
    Posts
    931

    Default

    This one is a hard one. She seems to genuinely like you, but she certainly is spending a lot of time with her ex. Most people do not spend very much time with their exes, so that is a bit unusual. If you can handle it, keep being her friend and see where it is going.

    If you really want to know for sure where she is and you are brave - I have heard this great piece of advice. You just compliment something about her and say it is sexy, like say "Oh you have such a sexy voice, or your legs are so sexy. Women have a tendency to react very strongly to that word, and if she takes it well, you know she probably likes you. If she says something like, "Don't say something like that," then you know you are in the friend zone. I know it sounds crazy, but it really works. (It works for guys saying it to women, I don't know if it would work the other way around). But be prepared to find out very quickly if you are in the friend zone. That could sting a little.

    Best wishes!

  3. #3
    Junior Member nyc bred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    8

    Default

    I'm probably going to call her on Sunday and ask her to go on a date. I don't want to do it now because I'm going to Atlantic City with some friends tonight and coming back Sunday, so I don't want to be bummed out on the trip if she says no.

    I was thinking a simple, "So I was wondering, do you want to go on a date sometime next week?"

    Or should I do something more 'heartfelt'?

  4. #4
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    8,193

    Default

    I think she likes you and would be receptive to a date, however the only issue I see is how quickly she'd be getting back into romance after her breakup, and she may have some reservations. After a relationship of multi-year length some people like to stabilize a bit before jumping back in, however some NFJs can't be alone and are back on the prowl instantaneously, so who knows, some of that probably depends on the details of the breakup. You'd have a better read on the likelihood of that tendency than I would.



  5. #5
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Enneagram
    4 so/sp
    Posts
    6,931

    Default

    So I think the 'problem'/trap two Ni-doms run into is that both can easily fall into the zone of just hanging out and becoming really good friends, with both running all kinds of internal speculations about how the other feels about them, but keeping that inside and not doing anything. On the other hand, INxJ's both like closure and both really want to know what's going on relationship-wise -- like having that definition and clarity. It's possible that she's still in this mode of trying to figure out what's going on and how you feel about her, just as you're in this mode of trying to figure out what you should do. iow you're both enjoying each others' company and growing closer, but neither are taking the risk of a 'next step'. The other possibility is that she has firmly placed you in the 'Friend' category and isn't aware that you see her in a different light.

    I've always myself wanted to be in relationships where both people are on the same page and have the same conception of what is going on. If it's not clear on your end, you may need to instigate movement - i.e. your date concept. It might throw her off, but you have every right to know what's going on and how she sees you, and whether your relationship with her will always be just a friendship or whether there are other possibilities.

    I should also point out that as an INFJ who has been in a relationship with an INTJ for over a year now, from my perspective it was NOT clear in that initial month of my knowing him how he felt about me. We were hanging out a lot, similar to your description of your situation, and I *thought* he was interested in me, but because there was very very little body language to go off of, and he was incredibly shy and all of that (he's very shy/uncertain romantically, even though in all other aspects of his life he's uber-confident and assertive), I really wan't sure. I could not get a good read on him. You guys are not terribly 'skilled' at letting people know how you feel about them. otoh, because I'm not overly demonstrative either, especially when I'm not sure what the other person thinks of me and whether or not they ARE in fact interested, then it could be argued that it wasn't terribly obvious to him either that I really liked him.

    In any event, I was the one who made the move and took that risk to propel us out of our mutual tiptoe-dance.

    I think that if you're interested in her romantically, you need to take the risk. Your idea of asking her if she'd be interested in going on a 'date' is one possibility, although if you haven't indicated clearly in the past that you see her in that light, it might catch her off guard. It could be argued that that isn't a bad thing, but it really depends on what sort of dynamic you want. Another possibility is to not mention the 'date' word, but ask her to do something with you next week, just as you have been doing, BUT while you guys are together, initiate some sort of physical contact, or say something along the lines of what Lily Flower suggested. Touch her hand, her arm, something like that. If you haven't hugged her yet, good lord, hug her! I remember on the third 'date' with my intj, he shook my hand at the end, and I thought to myself... ok, we're making progress here. Physical contact. *Maybe* he likes me. lol!! hahahah.

    Word of caution, which you've already brought up as a possibility: The fact that she's still very much intwined with her ex may not bode well. Also the fact that you've started rooting yourself in the 'Friend' category may mean she views you strictly as that. But you won't know that for sure unless you take a risk and show yourself in a different light - as having interests beyond being a friend, and that you really care for her. If you're willing to take the risk and it backfiring, go for it!! It sounds anyway like all of this is coming to a head and at least on your end, you need to know what's going on. And, that's fine -- like I said, I think you have every right to gain some clarity in this, since you are starting to hold feelings for you. I would hate for you to eventually be the guy in the situation where you're really into the girl and she just sees you as a friend and tells you about her other boyfriends/loves. You need to look out for yourself too.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

    My Photography and Watercolor Fine Art Prints!!! Cascade Colors Fine Art Prints
    https://docs.google.com/uc?export=do...Gd5N3NZZE52QjQ

  6. #6
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    2,632

    Default

    Listen to cascade She's an INFJ with an INTJ

    Your INFJ seems to like you quite a lot. But if she's really an INFJ -- you will probably never know how she really feels until you take the risk and make the move. Someone on this forum once said that INFJ's style of flirting is "aggressive availability". This means if she goes out of her way to be 'available' -- like saying where she will be, saying when she is free, making an effort to get to know your friends, keeping her schedule open to see if you want to hang, etc., she probably likes you.

    However, right now she needs to sort out her stuff with her ex. Have you asked her how she feels about it? I know you probably avoid talking about it, but if you can sense that she still misses him, it's probably not a good idea to try to get into a relationship with her right now.
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  7. #7
    Junior Member nyc bred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    8

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    I think she likes you and would be receptive to a date, however the only issue I see is how quickly she'd be getting back into romance after her breakup, and she may have some reservations. After a relationship of multi-year length some people like to stabilize a bit before jumping back in, however some NFJs can't be alone and are back on the prowl instantaneously, so who knows, some of that probably depends on the details of the breakup. You'd have a better read on the likelihood of that tendency than I would.
    That's my main concern. I don't think she's completely over him. He went to Europe for 5 weeks, and that's when I kind of swooped in and ended up liking her. Now that he's back, they are certain to hang out again/often since they run in the same social group.

    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    So I think the 'problem'/trap two Ni-doms run into is that both can easily fall into the zone of just hanging out and becoming really good friends, with both running all kinds of internal speculations about how the other feels about them, but keeping that inside and not doing anything. On the other hand, INxJ's both like closure and both really want to know what's going on relationship-wise -- like having that definition and clarity. It's possible that she's still in this mode of trying to figure out what's going on and how you feel about her, just as you're in this mode of trying to figure out what you should do. iow you're both enjoying each others' company and growing closer, but neither are taking the risk of a 'next step'. The other possibility is that she has firmly placed you in the 'Friend' category and isn't aware that you see her in a different light.

    I've always myself wanted to be in relationships where both people are on the same page and have the same conception of what is going on. If it's not clear on your end, you may need to instigate movement - i.e. your date concept. It might throw her off, but you have every right to know what's going on and how she sees you, and whether your relationship with her will always be just a friendship or whether there are other possibilities.

    I should also point out that as an INFJ who has been in a relationship with an INTJ for over a year now, from my perspective it was NOT clear in that initial month of my knowing him how he felt about me. We were hanging out a lot, similar to your description of your situation, and I *thought* he was interested in me, but because there was very very little body language to go off of, and he was incredibly shy and all of that (he's very shy/uncertain romantically, even though in all other aspects of his life he's uber-confident and assertive), I really wan't sure. I could not get a good read on him. You guys are not terribly 'skilled' at letting people know how you feel about them. otoh, because I'm not overly demonstrative either, especially when I'm not sure what the other person thinks of me and whether or not they ARE in fact interested, then it could be argued that it wasn't terribly obvious to him either that I really liked him.

    In any event, I was the one who made the move and took that risk to propel us out of our mutual tiptoe-dance.

    I think that if you're interested in her romantically, you need to take the risk. Your idea of asking her if she'd be interested in going on a 'date' is one possibility, although if you haven't indicated clearly in the past that you see her in that light, it might catch her off guard. It could be argued that that isn't a bad thing, but it really depends on what sort of dynamic you want. Another possibility is to not mention the 'date' word, but ask her to do something with you next week, just as you have been doing, BUT while you guys are together, initiate some sort of physical contact, or say something along the lines of what Lily Flower suggested. Touch her hand, her arm, something like that. If you haven't hugged her yet, good lord, hug her! I remember on the third 'date' with my intj, he shook my hand at the end, and I thought to myself... ok, we're making progress here. Physical contact. *Maybe* he likes me. lol!! hahahah.

    Word of caution, which you've already brought up as a possibility: The fact that she's still very much intwined with her ex may not bode well. Also the fact that you've started rooting yourself in the 'Friend' category may mean she views you strictly as that. But you won't know that for sure unless you take a risk and show yourself in a different light - as having interests beyond being a friend, and that you really care for her. If you're willing to take the risk and it backfiring, go for it!! It sounds anyway like all of this is coming to a head and at least on your end, you need to know what's going on. And, that's fine -- like I said, I think you have every right to gain some clarity in this, since you are starting to hold feelings for you. I would hate for you to eventually be the guy in the situation where you're really into the girl and she just sees you as a friend and tells you about her other boyfriends/loves. You need to look out for yourself too.
    I really appreciate your lengthy response. Especially since you're and INFJ with an INTJ.
    You're right about the closure thing. This is driving me insane, and even after I wrote that post (novel), I still kept analyzing it. I'm beginning to get pissed off too, not at her but at myself. Usually if something comes up and it bothers me, I'm rather blunt, and take a course of action to yield some sort of result good or bad, but with 'feelings' and 'relationships'...I can't do it.

    We reach out fairly evenly to each other, it's not one-sided. But as I've said, I'm terrible at reading signals and all that, and in the past, I've often read too much into things and mistakened friendlienss for something else. I'll admit it hurt somewhat since at that point I've fallen for them quite a bit. But with this girl, I really do value her friendship and don't want to lose it or make it weird which is why I'm so cautious, but then again I don't want to have fallen so hard for her that I end up being the guy who likes her a lot while she tells me about other guys.

    I also suck at demonstrating my interest. I always act like the typical INTJ with my 'death stare'. Even some friends who I am fairly close to now told me when they first met me, they thought I was cold, hated them, among other things since I didn't talk much and I was usually wandering around by myself when they were in a group. In MY head, I'm being very obvious, but I know that's not true. I've been paying for majority of the stuff, and initiating 'hang-outs'. I also try to manipulate my words so that MAYBE she'll get it. Instead of saying 'hang-out' I try to use the word 'go out' in different contexts but that's probably only obvious to me. IE: "Let me know next time we go out." I'm also very guarded of myself and my feelings, so those deep private conversations we had left a big impression on me. As I've said, even my closest friends don't know some of the stuff I've told her. That's quite a feat to get me to open up like that, since I'm usually closed off/reserved. Oh and no I haven't hugged her lol. I've been tempted to but never did it.

    As for your suggestion of asking her to do something and escalate physical touching. I don't think I can do that. I'll probably freeze up and treat it like all our other hang outs.

    If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for you to 'make the move' and what was your 'move'? How did you try to demonstrate that you were interested in the initial phase? (You're right, we suck at the social game, and hide our feelings/thoughts quite well.)

    I'm not hating on the ex, he's a cool guy from the one time I've met him, but the thought will always be in my head that they're still not over each other. Thanks for the warning.

    I hope I still have the courage to call her on Sunday and see what happens. If she doesn't reciprocate, I can move on, that's no problem. But I'd definitely still want to keep her friendship though which I'm positive would happen. I'm usually at peace with myself, but this is bothering me more than I'd like, so we'll see. I'll probably come back and update if I do go through with it.

    One last thing, how do you think I should go about asking her? Going all out and confessing or just keep it simple and ask for the date?

    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    Listen to cascade She's an INFJ with an INTJ

    Your INFJ seems to like you quite a lot. But if she's really an INFJ -- you will probably never know how she really feels until you take the risk and make the move. Someone on this forum once said that INFJ's style of flirting is "aggressive availability". This means if she goes out of her way to be 'available' -- like saying where she will be, saying when she is free, making an effort to get to know your friends, keeping her schedule open to see if you want to hang, etc., she probably likes you.

    However, right now she needs to sort out her stuff with her ex. Have you asked her how she feels about it? I know you probably avoid talking about it, but if you can sense that she still misses him, it's probably not a good idea to try to get into a relationship with her right now.
    I know for a fact we have a good place in each others hearts, but other than that, I don't know. I actually read all 21 pages on "Signs an INFJ likes you". Did not help at all lol. If anything, I'm even more confused.

    She does tell me her availability. She uses a planner. So whenever I ask her to do something, she puts it in there. I've initiated all our one on one hang outs and she's always pretty enthusiastic about it and follows through.

    I haven't really talked about the ex. When we were tipsy, I asked her rather bluntly if it made it hard to move on since they still chill together. She simply said that she's known him since she was 16 and didn't want to lose that friendship. Oh they knew each other for 2 years before they started dating.

    You have me confused now too on what my next action should be...sigh.

    Thanks for the insight though.

  8. #8
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Enneagram
    4 so/sp
    Posts
    6,931

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by nyc bred View Post
    I really appreciate your lengthy response. Especially since you're and INFJ with an INTJ.
    You're right about the closure thing. This is driving me insane, and even after I wrote that post (novel), I still kept analyzing it. I'm beginning to get pissed off too, not at her but at myself. Usually if something comes up and it bothers me, I'm rather blunt, and take a course of action to yield some sort of result good or bad, but with 'feelings' and 'relationships'...I can't do it.

    We reach out fairly evenly to each other, it's not one-sided. But as I've said, I'm terrible at reading signals and all that, and in the past, I've often read too much into things and mistakened friendlienss for something else. I'll admit it hurt somewhat since at that point I've fallen for them quite a bit. But with this girl, I really do value her friendship and don't want to lose it or make it weird which is why I'm so cautious, but then again I don't want to have fallen so hard for her that I end up being the guy who likes her a lot while she tells me about other guys.
    Well I think you'll need to assess what you most need. Unfortunately if you need these sorts of answers and clarity with regards to what exactly the relationship IS, and how she sees you, then it's something you'll have to bring up, even if it means the nature of the relationship changes or is at least kinda in flux for a bit while you both sort through things and come to an understanding.

    As for your suggestion of asking her to do something and escalate physical touching. I don't think I can do that. I'll probably freeze up and treat it like all our other hang outs.

    ... well... this is probably why *I* had to make the first move with my intj - because he seemed to freeze up on the physical thing / it wasn't something he could get himself to do, apparently. BUT, you really should be able to muster up a hug. Force yourself to! Without any sort of indication like that, she perhaps rightly thinks that you only see her as a friend.

    If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for you to 'make the move' and what was your 'move'? How did you try to demonstrate that you were interested in the initial phase? (You're right, we suck at the social game, and hide our feelings/thoughts quite well.)
    My 'move' was simply after having gone out for about 3 weeks, with multiple 'dates' where we were together for 5+ hours, and after being at his place just watching a movie, I HAD to know what was going on, because by all intents and purposes we were not 'just friends', given the fact that we were hanging out so much. So I basically pressed the issue and asked if if he saw me as more than a friend. I put him on the spot. He hemmed and hawed, although did say he saw me as more than a friend (I think he just didn't know what that 'meant' at the time, to him) and without a doubt it introduced discomfort on all counts, but it was something that HAD to be discussed at that point, imo. It was a very slow process. We sat on the couch for a very long time commenting on something now and then, and the tension was incredible. lol!! Finally, a couple of hours later, we had gradually inched closer and closer, we awkwardly held hands, and I believe I initiated the kiss because I realized he never would. Then it was magic! He just didn't seem to have the ability to 'go there' on his own. I had never been in a relationship/with someone who hadn't initiated, though, so it was a new 'role' for me, if you will.

    This is why I said the danger of two Ni-doms together is that it could easily fall into nothing-ever-happening-because-neither-wants-to-make-the-first-move-and-risk-it-because-both-are-uncertain-about-the-repercussions. In the end, ONE is going to have to go out of his immediate comfort zone. And absolutely it's a risk. I think this is why Ni-doms can easily stay in limbo, esp. in the early stages -- because they don't KNOW for sure what will happen, and it could introduce awkwardness or disrupt what had been stable. Might eventually morph into something even better though. All you can do is listen to yourself and what you're wanting (and not wanting) out of a relationship, take risks if it's worth it to you, make decisions to the best of your ability knowing what you DO know, and recognize that sometimes the only way of knowing the parts you DON'T know is to actually ask the question rather than internally speculate/hypothesize.

    I hope I still have the courage to call her on Sunday and see what happens. If she doesn't reciprocate, I can move on, that's no problem. But I'd definitely still want to keep her friendship though which I'm positive would happen. I'm usually at peace with myself, but this is bothering me more than I'd like, so we'll see. I'll probably come back and update if I do go through with it.
    Just think about it some more and decide whether you're satisfied with the relationship continuing as-is. If you are not, that may be your answer and you may need to actually ask her some direct questions, or tell her that you see her as more than a friend, etc etc.

    One last thing, how do you think I should go about asking her? Going all out and confessing or just keep it simple and ask for the date?
    I would keep it simple, but be honest too. Don't overwhelm her with deep feelings, especially if you have not shown much indication of having had them in the first place. Something 'simple' would be, 'What sort of relationship is this?' 'Do you see me as more than a friend or are you not interested in me in that way?' etc. That will introduce a dialogue - and introduce the concept - and the discussion will occur and you'll actually start talking about what you're wanting to know; it may not be the answer you are wanting (or maybe it WILL be ), but it will at least be talked about.

    Edit: The other thing is that with two Ni-doms, I suggest Expecting that you both won't be at the same point / same 'vision' at the same time. In my case, I was ahead of my INTJ, which is why I was the one who brought all of it up. It took him some time to 'catch up', and in those early weeks, there was a point where I thought that would not occur and it would remain just as friends. Same might be true with your infj. Just something to keep in mind.

    Just my opinion of course! Good luck whatever you decide.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

    My Photography and Watercolor Fine Art Prints!!! Cascade Colors Fine Art Prints
    https://docs.google.com/uc?export=do...Gd5N3NZZE52QjQ

  9. #9
    Junior Member nyc bred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    8

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    Well I think you'll need to assess what you most need. Unfortunately if you need these sorts of answers and clarity with regards to what exactly the relationship IS, and how she sees you, then it's something you'll have to bring up, even if it means the nature of the relationship changes or is at least kinda in flux for a bit while you both sort through things and come to an understanding.




    ... well... this is probably why *I* had to make the first move with my intj - because he seemed to freeze up on the physical thing / it wasn't something he could get himself to do, apparently. BUT, you really should be able to muster up a hug. Force yourself to! Without any sort of indication like that, she perhaps rightly thinks that you only see her as a friend.



    My 'move' was simply after having gone out for about 3 weeks, with multiple 'dates' where we were together for 5+ hours, and after being at his place just watching a movie, I HAD to know what was going on, because by all intents and purposes we were not 'just friends', given the fact that we were hanging out so much. So I basically pressed the issue and asked if if he saw me as more than a friend. I put him on the spot. He hemmed and hawed, although did say he saw me as more than a friend (I think he just didn't know what that 'meant' at the time, to him) and without a doubt it introduced discomfort on all counts, but it was something that HAD to be discussed at that point, imo. It was a very slow process. We sat on the couch for a very long time commenting on something now and then, and the tension was incredible. lol!! Finally, a couple of hours later, we had gradually inched closer and closer, we awkwardly held hands, and I believe I initiated the kiss because I realized he never would. Then it was magic! He just didn't seem to have the ability to 'go there' on his own. I had never been in a relationship/with someone who hadn't initiated, though, so it was a new 'role' for me, if you will.

    This is why I said the danger of two Ni-doms together is that it could easily fall into nothing-ever-happening-because-neither-wants-to-make-the-first-move-and-risk-it-because-both-are-uncertain-about-the-repercussions. In the end, ONE is going to have to go out of his immediate comfort zone. And absolutely it's a risk. I think this is why Ni-doms can easily stay in limbo, esp. in the early stages -- because they don't KNOW for sure what will happen, and it could introduce awkwardness or disrupt what had been stable. Might eventually morph into something even better though. All you can do is listen to yourself and what you're wanting (and not wanting) out of a relationship, take risks if it's worth it to you, make decisions to the best of your ability knowing what you DO know, and recognize that sometimes the only way of knowing the parts you DON'T know is to actually ask the question rather than internally speculate/hypothesize.



    Just think about it some more and decide whether you're satisfied with the relationship continuing as-is. If you are not, that may be your answer and you may need to actually ask her some direct questions, or tell her that you see her as more than a friend, etc etc.



    I would keep it simple, but be honest too. Don't overwhelm her with deep feelings, especially if you have not shown much indication of having had them in the first place. Something 'simple' would be, 'What sort of relationship is this?' 'Do you see me as more than a friend or are you not interested in me in that way?' etc. That will introduce a dialogue - and introduce the concept - and the discussion will occur and you'll actually start talking about what you're wanting to know; it may not be the answer you are wanting (or maybe it WILL be ), but it will at least be talked about.

    Edit: The other thing is that with two Ni-doms, I suggest Expecting that you both won't be at the same point / same 'vision' at the same time. In my case, I was ahead of my INTJ, which is why I was the one who brought all of it up. It took him some time to 'catch up', and in those early weeks, there was a point where I thought that would not occur and it would remain just as friends. Same might be true with your infj. Just something to keep in mind.

    Just my opinion of course! Good luck whatever you decide.
    As of right now, I'm leaning towards asking her out, or her feelings towards me. Thanks for the response, helped alot. Confused me a lot too lol. I think this is something that I HAVE to know. I don't like having regrets.

    Well she just texted me. "Don't fall asleep through this weekends natural disaster." (She knows I tend to fall asleep everywhere, class, work, etc.) I fell asleep through New York's mini earthquake on Tuesday so she knows about that.

    So I guess at least she's thinking about me (even a little)?
    Not sure how to respond though.

  10. #10
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Enneagram
    4 so/sp
    Posts
    6,931

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by nyc bred View Post
    As of right now, I'm leaning towards asking her out, or her feelings towards me. Thanks for the response, helped alot. Confused me a lot too lol. I think this is something that I HAVE to know. I don't like having regrets.

    Well she just texted me. "Don't fall asleep through this weekends natural disaster." (She knows I tend to fall asleep everywhere, class, work, etc.) I fell asleep through New York's mini earthquake on Tuesday so she knows about that.

    So I guess at least she's thinking about me (even a little)?
    Not sure how to respond though.
    Sorry for confusing you!

    You guys are obviously close and have had a lot of good convo's, so I think you should feel solid in knowing that she values you. That seems pretty clear to me. INFJ's don't take relationships lightly either (friendship or otherwise), and tend to invest pretty deeply in those few people who we trust enough to be really close to.

    Bringing up your question/the relationship is an unknown, but honestly at some point it would probably come up anyway, especially if your feelings would grow more and more stronger or if she'd start wondering herself.


    As for how to respond to her messages? Just respond!! lol. Ask her how she's doing, tell her how you're doing, make a joke and banter, whatever.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

    My Photography and Watercolor Fine Art Prints!!! Cascade Colors Fine Art Prints
    https://docs.google.com/uc?export=do...Gd5N3NZZE52QjQ

Similar Threads

  1. [INFP] Help an INTJ understand an INFP friend.
    By Litsnob in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 29
    Last Post: 07-11-2017, 10:19 AM
  2. ISTJ vs INTJ? long read
    By teothebest in forum What's my Type?
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 06-16-2015, 05:37 PM
  3. INTJ plea for help!
    By jonatron5 in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 01-11-2012, 09:08 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO