User Tag List

First 1234 Last

Results 11 to 20 of 47

Thread: Consoling an NF

  1. #11
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,938

    Default

    This is a really interesting thread for me on a few levels - people have already made some great comments. My dad is, I am pretty sure, either an INFJ or an ISFJ, and quite similar to me in temperament. At the end of last year he lost a voluntary position partly because he raised an ethical issue (and partly because he lost his temper, but that shouldn't have been a critical factor, and everyone in my family is quite unhappy and even angry about how he was treated.) I didn't discuss it at much depth with him - he did that more with my mom and with a couple of friends who understand the situation or have a view into it - but he did say to me that a mutual friend had told him to try to be like a duck (ie. water off the back!) but he isn't really able to do that because he takes things to heart and feels wounded. I completely know how that feels. I also think that he was caught between feeling unfairly treated because he'd raised an ethical issue, being treated with disrespect (which he definitely was) and feeling he'd handled things badly (ie. losing his temper.)

    Anyway...I haven't personally as a INFJ faced a situation quite like that, but the comments already have been great. I'd agree with just being there for him, and listening to him vent if he needs to although it may be frustrating for you. It can take a long, long time for us to not take things personally. So in a way that advice is good - at least I would accept it as such - but you really have to be careful to not force it on him at all.

    The whole venting/listening thing can be good too. Sometimes I get to the point where I'm embarrassed venting about things any more, I feel like a ridiculous obsessive, but I kind of still want to talk about it. If he gets to a point where he doesn't bring it up you could just ask if he's feeling better about it, or something like that. He might want to talk about it some more in that case, or he might say "yeah, I don't want to discuss it any more, I've pretty much dealt with it" - then you just have to leave it.

    It's also true what Glycerine said about the Ni black hole. I think it's a balancing act because we might genuinely need to vent but there's a danger of going on and on forever with all those Ni ramifications, and a listener could exacerbate that especially if they offer a lot of comments and perspectives on how the situation played out. I think at the end of the day it is really down to the INFJ to break that pattern. It's hellishly difficult for me, but after a long painful period of time which seems almost inevitable, I get to a point where painful thoughts still intrude a lot (sometimes it feels like all the time) but I can force them away to a certain extent with positive thoughts, things that make me feel better, etc and then the painful thoughts gradually become less of an ingrained negative habit.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  2. #12
    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    1,196

    Default

    He has to go through the membrane of time and feeling... he will eventually recapture his energy, but for now he has to go through the motions. Just be sympathetic and help him look for jobs, I always feel better when my NT or S friends put their practicality into use, life doesn't suck so bad when you feel like you have allies in rebuilding it.
    Ground control to Major Tom

  3. #13
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,938

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Billy View Post
    He has to go through the membrane of time and feeling... he will eventually recapture his energy, but for now he has to go through the motions. Just be sympathetic and help him look for jobs, I always feel better when my NT or S friends put their practicality into use, life doesn't suck so bad when you feel like you have allies in rebuilding it.
    Yes, this is very good...don't tell him he needs to "get over it" or "move on" or "what's the point of having feelings like that", but some practical help as well as a listening ear would be fab.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  4. #14
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    5w4
    Posts
    2,158

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    Edit: What not to do: disappear on him.
    No, I definitely wouldn't disappear altogether. That wouldn't make for a very good friend. Sometimes life beckons and you have to cut way back on the amount of time you can put into a friendship though, in order that you may constructively get other things done. I know for me, when I first meet interesting new friends, it's exciting and I spend a lot of time with them, but then you have to get back into your routine. I've spent considerable time with him and his family the last couple weeks and I'm not sure I can keep up that pace forever. He may resent me for it, I don't know, but I'd hope he'd be understanding of such things - that I can't be there all the time or every single day. I'd imagine that if he valued me and my friendship at all that he certainly would understand. That he wouldn't place value on me as a friend based on the quantity of hours I spend at his house. I just simply want to be there for him and his family as much as I'm able to. As an individual, that's all I can really do. I sometimes can't do what others think I can do or what they want me to do, I can only do what I can do. He's an INxx - I'm hoping he'll appreciate the time that we are able to hang out - maybe I'll take him jet skiing or some crazy thing to snap him out of the heaviness of it all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    I keep looking at this thread in ispy and seeing "Controlling an NF" lol
    That's my next thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by Elfboy View Post
    your friend is INFP, not INFJ
    Nope. You've spent exactly ZERO minutes with him. How would you even come to such a conclusion? That's silly. He displays virtually no Ne, with lots of Fe.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  5. #15
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    5w4
    Posts
    2,158

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Billy View Post
    He has to go through the membrane of time and feeling... he will eventually recapture his energy, but for now he has to go through the motions. Just be sympathetic and help him look for jobs, I always feel better when my NT or S friends put their practicality into use, life doesn't suck so bad when you feel like you have allies in rebuilding it.
    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Yes, this is very good...don't tell him he needs to "get over it" or "move on" or "what's the point of having feelings like that", but some practical help as well as a listening ear would be fab.
    I see. Less "do this" and "do that". More listening and forwarding job postings to him. Good info. Thanks.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  6. #16
    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    1,196

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    I see. Less "do this" and "do that". More listening and forwarding job postings to him. Good info. Thanks.
    Yes precisely, and he will be extra touched if the jobs you forward to him play to his ideals and strengths, he will feel like you know him... NFs need to feel understood.
    Ground control to Major Tom

  7. #17
    Certified Sausage Smoker Elfboy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx/sp
    Socionics
    SLI None
    Posts
    9,635

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    I see. Less "do this" and "do that". More listening and forwarding job postings to him. Good info. Thanks.
    "I'm not a good father because I didn't consider my children's welfare before blowing the whistle. I just pictured myself as the 'white knight' who was doing the right thing and now I'm nothing but a jobless father who didn't put his kids first."
    this quote screams Fi like an operatic soprano
    ENFP: We put the Fi in Fire
    ENFP
    5w4>1w9>2w1 Sx/Sp
    SEE-Fi
    Papa Bear
    Motivation: Dark Worker
    Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
    Chibi Seme
    MTG Color: black/red
    Male Archtype: King/Lover
    Sunburst!
    "You are a gay version of Gambit" Speed Gavroche
    "I wish that I could be affected by any hate, but I can't, cuz I just get affected by the bank" Chamillionaire

  8. #18
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    5w4
    Posts
    2,158

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Elfboy View Post
    this quote screams Fi like an operatic soprano
    OK, I'm going to concede. You win Elfboy. INFP it is. How would you go about consoling an INFP then?
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  9. #19
    Certified Sausage Smoker Elfboy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx/sp
    Socionics
    SLI None
    Posts
    9,635

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    OK, I'm going to concede. You win Elfboy. INFP it is. How would you go about consoling an INFP then?
    he just needs someone to tell him about his good qualities and tell him that he did what he thought was right. perhaps you could try saying things like
    - you did what you thought was best, no one things any less of you
    - okay, you messed up, who doesn't every once in a while, but you have other strengths. you are strong and courageous and not afraid to do what's right. you will find another job and until then, your strength is going to get you through this
    - you had to make a choice. there were consequences for either decision. it may not have turned out the way you wanted, but at least you did something. that takes guts
    - to make mistakes is to be human. you've acknowledged your mistakes and are doing your best to make amends for them. you have no reason to feel guilty
    - you are a great husband, a wonderful father and a man of integrity. you have nothing to be ashamed of

    PS: I know as an INTP it may be uncomfortable saying things that sound so mushy and F-ish, but any encouragement you can give will really help him
    this is also a period in his life where he is going to need lots of intimacy, but you may not be the right person to give it to him.
    ENFP: We put the Fi in Fire
    ENFP
    5w4>1w9>2w1 Sx/Sp
    SEE-Fi
    Papa Bear
    Motivation: Dark Worker
    Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
    Chibi Seme
    MTG Color: black/red
    Male Archtype: King/Lover
    Sunburst!
    "You are a gay version of Gambit" Speed Gavroche
    "I wish that I could be affected by any hate, but I can't, cuz I just get affected by the bank" Chamillionaire

  10. #20
    Anew Leaf
    Guest

    Default

    It really doesn't matter which NF he is... I think the fact that he has a good friend who is willing to listen, idea generate, and be there for him is enough for just about anyone.

    I think the water skiing idea is fabulous. It will give him a day outdoors enjoying the weather, and a physical activity to help give him a mental break from what he is thinking about.

    I don't know if it would help at all... But perhaps even trying to put a positive spin in the fact that he did stand up for a principle. This world so quickly wants us to put physical comfort above anything higher. I know that it's extra tricky with a wife and kids involved, but he should still know he's a great father/role model because he didn't compromise.

    I had a summer job after highschool where I was witness to some sexual harassment against a friend of mine. I spoke up and almost got the two men I worked with fired. It was at the company that my dad also worked for, so when my mom found out about what I had done, she got mad at me saying this could reflect badly on my dad. I in turn felt horrible and extra conflicted. I ended up getting threatened by the ex-marine I worked with, and didn't say anything to anyone because I felt like I had done something wrong. So I look back on the episode and think that it would have been nice to have someone agree with me on what I did. I don't know if that helps you at all though.

    And lastly, if your friend seemed like an INFJ before this major stress occurred then he probably is an INFJ.

Similar Threads

  1. [NF] Have an NF moment
    By Noel in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 65
    Last Post: 03-03-2014, 09:54 AM
  2. [NF] Defining Moments in the life of an NF
    By SolitaryWalker in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 20
    Last Post: 05-01-2009, 10:27 PM
  3. [NF] An NF Curse?
    By OctaviaCaesar in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: 01-25-2008, 03:52 PM
  4. [NF] An NF moment
    By autumn in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 10-21-2007, 12:15 AM
  5. Hello from an NF!
    By autumn in forum Welcomes and Introductions
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 10-10-2007, 02:54 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO