[NF] Don't Touch Me - Whats the Deal?

[Santosha]

I realized that I have a bit of an issue with being touched. To clarify, I seem to like to touch and be warm with people fairly often, but only on my own terms. I realize that it's kinda unfair and fucked up.. but I can't seem to control my cringey emotions when someone invades my personal space. The thing is, I grew up with very lovey, touchy-feely family members. It's bothered me from as far back as I can remember. My grandpa used to put his hand on my shoulder or neck and give me a pat or rub.. it was bugging me out pre kindergarten. My family also did alot of force hug/emotional displays.. and the more they did it/do it.. the more violated I feel. It has something to do with me feeling like I am being both physically and emotionally hi-jacked through a social norm, or someones elses good intent, but I can't do anything about it or reject it.. because only a cruel bastard would do such a thing.. and I'm left to endure. It's really weird. Part of me thinks.. this isn't normal.. a normal, healthy person shouldn't be rejecting affection demonstrations from people they care about.. but another part of me says.. BS.. normal healthy people would not force physical interaction on someone without picking up on various ques that its okay. Maybe they should be a little more sensitive with boundaries.


Thoughts? Similarities?

 

[Thalassa]

You need to tell people you don't like it if those are people you care about and explain why. You can't expect people just to know, especially if they're family members or close friends or you're dating them.

Now strangers randomly touching, 'specially creepy guys, will elicit a very nasty hateful response from me, because that's just bullshit. I really hate when strange men touch me uninvited, especially like in a work environment or something like that. It presumes both intimacy and control and it makes me want to hit people.

I'm usually VERY affectionate though...I am a touchy feely person. With people I care about. But I know people like you. In my experience they're often IxxJs, or TJs.

 

[ceecee]

I think you are responsible for setting your own boundaries. If I was uncomfortable with touching (and I am) I would say so. I know this is a stretch for the NF's because I live with it. Sure normal healthy people would not force physical interaction on someone but...how do they know this? Honestly, how do they know? Are you giving off a vibe or taking it like a good girl and screaming YOU'RE VIOLATING ME!!!! inside? It's really helpful to just open your mouth and say...I don't feel comfortable with that so stop. Thanks.

 

[Thalassa]

It's really helpful to just open your mouth and say...I don't feel comfortable with that so stop. Thanks.

Yeah one of the most awesome things a guy has ever done was explain to me up front: this is how I am. This is how I show love. This is what I don't do. This is why I do this. Can you deal with that?

But yeah with family members I can't see why you wouldn't just TELL THEM.

So I'm wondering if this a partner issue, like you're afraid of hurting your partner? Or you even feel this way with family members and platonic friends?

 

[ceecee]

Yeah one of the most awesome things a guy has ever done was explain to me up front: this is how I am. This is how I show love. This is what I don't do. This is why I do this. Can you deal with that?

But yeah with family members I can't see why you wouldn't just TELL THEM.

So I'm wondering if this a partner issue, like you're afraid of hurting your partner? Or you even feel this way with family members and platonic friends?

Nah. People who know me know I wouldn't hold back if something truly bothered me. If I was on the other end of things and I was making someone uncomfortable....I'd sure want to know about it.

 

[Thalassa]

Nah. People who know me know I wouldn't hold back if something truly bothered me. If I was on the other end of things and I was making someone uncomfortable....I'd sure want to know about it.

Oh I'm sorry the first part was directed toward you, and the questions toward the OP. My fault for not being more clear.

 

[gromit]

I was called 'porcupine' as a baby/kid because I was NOT cuddly haha. But I grew into it. Pretty much now I like any touching (i.e. hugs, shoulder pats, back rubs, head rubs) from people I like, obviously I don't have coworkers giving me head rubs though.

I also was super ticklish as a kid. And too much tickling still drives me crazy.

 

[Thalassa]

And too much tickling still drives me crazy.

I hate that too. Unless it's very light and sensual, I consider it a form of torture. It's like, would like your face kicked in?

 

[Santosha]

I just pinpointed a key factor in this. It's when people are drunk, or getting fucked up. My parents were pretty big partiers while I grew up, and I saw alot of shit go down that kids just shouldn't see. Constant boundary violations both physically and emotionally. Now, when I am around specifically my family or partner and alot of drinking is involved.. I shell up into ISTJ shadow mode and become VERY uncomfortable with physical touch. I don't have the problem with friends.

 

[kissmyasthma]

I definitely relate. Whenever someone invades my personal space, I can help shrinking into myself or cringing a bit--even if I care about that person. Luckily, my close friends understand it (despite normally being very touchy-feely themselves). My mom, on the other hand, thinks there's something wrong with me, or that I need to get over it.

I also was super ticklish as a kid. And too much tickling still drives me crazy.

I'm exactly the same way! It's funny, though--my mom hasn't been ticklish at all since she was very young. Somehow she just made herself "get over it" (or maybe it's a superpower xD)

 

[lane777]

You're normal. According to APS you would be a Choleric in Affection. Cholerics in Affection appear to want deep personal relationships, but in reality do not. When approached for love and affection they will most likely turn their back, and when approached for a deep personal relationship they will walk away from it. The explanation for this is very simple; they must be shown love and affection according to their terms. They will not accept a deep personal relationship if their terms are not met. - Excerpt from The Missing Link by Richard & Phyllis Arno.

I hate that too. Unless it's very light and sensual, I consider it a form of torture.

Ha, agreed.

 

[Elfboy]

I realized that I have a bit of an issue with being touched. To clarify, I seem to like to touch and be warm with people fairly often, but only on my own terms. I realize that it's kinda unfair and fucked up.. but I can't seem to control my cringey emotions when someone invades my personal space. The thing is, I grew up with very lovey, touchy-feely family members. It's bothered me from as far back as I can remember. My grandpa used to put his hand on my shoulder or neck and give me a pat or rub.. it was bugging me out pre kindergarten. My family also did alot of force hug/emotional displays.. and the more they did it/do it.. the more violated I feel. It has something to do with me feeling like I am being both physically and emotionally hi-jacked through a social norm, or someones elses good intent, but I can't do anything about it or reject it.. because only a cruel bastard would do such a thing.. and I'm left to endure. It's really weird. Part of me thinks.. this isn't normal.. a normal, healthy person shouldn't be rejecting affection demonstrations from people they care about.. but another part of me says.. BS.. normal healthy people would not force physical interaction on someone without picking up on various ques that its okay. Maybe they should be a little more sensitive with boundaries.


Thoughts? Similarities?

it could be several things related to typology
1) Introversion
2) Self Preservation Instinct
3) Fi
4) Thinking preference
5) phobic enneatype 6

 

[Elfboy]

I realized that I have a bit of an issue with being touched. To clarify, I seem to like to touch and be warm with people fairly often, but only on my own terms. I realize that it's kinda unfair and fucked up.. but I can't seem to control my cringey emotions when someone invades my personal space. The thing is, I grew up with very lovey, touchy-feely family members. It's bothered me from as far back as I can remember. My grandpa used to put his hand on my shoulder or neck and give me a pat or rub.. it was bugging me out pre kindergarten. My family also did alot of force hug/emotional displays.. and the more they did it/do it.. the more violated I feel. It has something to do with me feeling like I am being both physically and emotionally hi-jacked through a social norm, or someones elses good intent, but I can't do anything about it or reject it.. because only a cruel bastard would do such a thing.. and I'm left to endure. It's really weird. Part of me thinks.. this isn't normal.. a normal, healthy person shouldn't be rejecting affection demonstrations from people they care about.. but another part of me says.. BS.. normal healthy people would not force physical interaction on someone without picking up on various ques that its okay. Maybe they should be a little more sensitive with boundaries.


Thoughts? Similarities?

typology aside (as mentioned in my last post), there are several possible, perfectly rational reasons why you would feel this way
1) you need your personal space
2) you feel disrespected because people don't respect your personal boundaries
3) it makes you feel physically uncomfortable
4) it's not a person you have an intimate connection with, even if you still love them (for instance, an aunt you see once a year. you love her, but she isn't exactly close to you in terms of bonding/getting to know each other)
5) there is a social expectation for your to reciprocate. if you are like me, social expectations can kinda piss you off (I think it's an Fi thing)
6) perhaps they have poor hygiene and you think "gross"
7) perhaps, irrationally, you are creeped out by them even though rationally you know they're a good person (like, if someone somehow resembles your impression of a pedophile or rapist, even though you know them well enough to know they're not. my neighbor is like this. he's a great father and a good, responsible guy, but people often find him creepy)
8) they show affection in socially awkward ways
9) they show too much emotion and go all manic EFJ on yo ass. this can make NFPs and NTJs think "what the fuck is this?!"

 

[Kierva]

Nobody touches me UNLESS I like you.

If you touch me you're pretty darn special.

 

[nomoreshallwepart]

I know what you mean, I hate being touched when I don't want to be, I think it is a need to control emotional things and also to know that the initiator of intimacy is tuned in to you, sensors don't quite get it right and this bothers us because we expect them to be as intuitive as we are (which is unfair).

 

[Elfboy]

I know what you mean, I hate being touched when I don't want to be, I think it is a need to control emotional things and also to know that the initiator of intimacy is tuned in to you, sensors don't quite get it right and this bothers us because we expect them to be as intuitive as we are (which is unfair).

it's not quite that simple (as I'm sure you're already aware). an ISFP for instance would probably be extremely tuned into it. I think it's more EFJs and ESPs that are the most tuned out to others on a deep level if I had to give a general correlation with type (ETJs tend to give a little more space and less emotional puking; introverts and ENPs are more tuned into people's needs for individual space)

 

[nomoreshallwepart]

it's not quite that simple (as I'm sure you're already aware). an ISFP for instance would probably be extremely tuned into it. I think it's more EFJs and ESPs that are the most tuned out to others on a deep level if I had to give a general correlation with type (ETJs tend to give a little more space and less emotional puking; introverts and ENPs are more tuned into people's needs for individual space)

I'm just going on my experience with them, ISFJs try hard but seem to fall short a bit; ESFPs find it extremely hard, ISTPs don't even want to. We may be talking about slightly different things here though.

 

[Elfboy]

I'm just going on my experience with them, ISFJs try hard but seem to fall short a bit; ESFPs find it extremely hard, ISTPs don't even want to. We may be talking about slightly different things here though.

I was talking specifically about pushing personal boundaries, which I believe is more a problem of ESPs and EFJs. what were you talking about?

 

[nomoreshallwepart]

I was talking specifically about pushing personal boundaries, which I believe is more a problem of ESPs and EFJs. what were you talking about?

I was talking more about an individual's ability to know when it is a good idea to forgo certain boundaries.

 

[Hazashin]

I realized that I have a bit of an issue with being touched. To clarify, I seem to like to touch and be warm with people fairly often, but only on my own terms. I realize that it's kinda unfair and fucked up.. but I can't seem to control my cringey emotions when someone invades my personal space. The thing is, I grew up with very lovey, touchy-feely family members. It's bothered me from as far back as I can remember. My grandpa used to put his hand on my shoulder or neck and give me a pat or rub.. it was bugging me out pre kindergarten. My family also did alot of force hug/emotional displays.. and the more they did it/do it.. the more violated I feel. It has something to do with me feeling like I am being both physically and emotionally hi-jacked through a social norm, or someones elses good intent, but I can't do anything about it or reject it.. because only a cruel bastard would do such a thing.. and I'm left to endure. It's really weird. Part of me thinks.. this isn't normal.. a normal, healthy person shouldn't be rejecting affection demonstrations from people they care about.. but another part of me says.. BS.. normal healthy people would not force physical interaction on someone without picking up on various ques that its okay. Maybe they should be a little more sensitive with boundaries.


Thoughts? Similarities?

I'm perfectly fine people touching me as long as they aren't hurting me. Am I the only one who's like that?