User Tag List

First 12

Results 11 to 16 of 16

  1. #11
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,938

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    ^Yeah what Randomnity said. It's a difficult situation though. Explain to them that you want them to continue to be in your life but that you need some time and space to be alone and get your thoughts together. Tell them that the way you regain your bearings and your emotional health is to be alone to reflect. Be sure to send them an occasional unprompted text or email to tell them that you are doing okay and hope that they are also doing okay, and that you will be in contact with them once you feel better.
    Thanks everyone for your input. I think this is the closest to what I've been doing and I probably shouldn't change it much (and should worry about it less). I'm getting a bit better at realising that I should look after myself first (because then I'll feel better, and I can also be in a better place to help others), and also at realising that even if people tend to cling and whine they'll be ok without me extending myself for them all the time... In fact, if you extend yourself a bit less they tend to cling and whine less, I think.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  2. #12
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Do you just keep distance and not explain why, tell them "it's not you, I'm just tired right now" (when I may be tired, but it kind of is them as well...), make excuses? They're the kind of paranoid people who are like "ARE YOU AVOIDING ME?? WHY??"

    Or do you actually come out and tell them "look, I find your problems pretty exhausting as I can barely even deal with my own right now?" It would be honest, but seems like it could provoke something even more difficult...
    I think I've basically just told them that I'm dealing with a lot of issues in my own life and my time is very limited... not in the process of cutting them out completely, but just in telling them beyond the occasional get-together and conversation, I can't handle a lot of constant interaction.

    They've seemed to taken that well enough, which meant they weren't completely oblivious to the energy drain and weren't expecting me to not have needs of my own.

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Thanks everyone for your input. I think this is the closest to what I've been doing and I probably shouldn't change it much (and should worry about it less). I'm getting a bit better at realising that I should look after myself first (because then I'll feel better, and I can also be in a better place to help others), and also at realising that even if people tend to cling and whine they'll be ok without me extending myself for them all the time... In fact, if you extend yourself a bit less they tend to cling and whine less, I think.
    I've kinda had to teach myself that sometimes people latch onto me because I actually let them / flex too much to them. So if I reaffirm my boundaries, they'll flex and go elsewhere when needed.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  3. #13
    Anew Leaf
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    They may be lovely people. There may be some very good reasons for you to keep them in your life. But they're emotionally draining because they have constant drama on, they get offended by every little thing, you always end up talking mainly about their problems, etc.

    I've got a couple of people like that around. I care about them, I certainly don't want to cut them out entirely and it's not really even practical to do so. But I need to keep it to small doses, certainly for now when I'm feeling pretty depleted after a difficult year. I'm feeling more like spending time on my own, or with the non-dramatic friends who actually do more to build me up (fortunately I have a decent number of those.)

    Here's the thing I'm wondering about.

    Do you just keep distance and not explain why, tell them "it's not you, I'm just tired right now" (when I may be tired, but it kind of is them as well...), make excuses? They're the kind of paranoid people who are like "ARE YOU AVOIDING ME?? WHY??"

    Or do you actually come out and tell them "look, I find your problems pretty exhausting as I can barely even deal with my own right now?" It would be honest, but seems like it could provoke something even more difficult...

    I'm sure some of you are going to tell me to just remove these people from my life. Take my word for it that it's not particularly practical and genuinely I would like to keep them around. But it poses some challenges.
    It's a huge balancing act and to achieve it you have to draw lines in the sand and then be consistent about them. I agree with the bolded as being the first line of defense against draining people. If that doesn't work then you may need to consider taking a break from them for a set amount of time, and eventually you may need to take them out of your life.

    Being direct is also the best course of action, I feel. I know that I prefer people being direct with me, even if I don't like what they have to say. I would rather get concrete information from them to figure out, rather than trying to interpret their silence or noticing that they are avoiding me.

    I hope this helps in some way. I know it's not easy!

  4. #14
    Senior Member uncommonentity's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    441

    Default

    Surround yourself with people and things that fill you with energy not those that steal it. It doesn't make you a bad person for wanting an equal trade off from another human being. Everyone is a lovely little grape. Don't let anyone turn you into a raisin.
    Veni, Vidi, Cessi.

  5. #15
    Self sustaining supernova Zoom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Enneagram
    9w8
    Posts
    1,065

    Default

    Bloody 'ell, I remember being one of those people. For a short period of time, granted, but there was so much going on emotionally that I really had nothing left to give and little emotional breadth in the ability to listen department. But I purposefully shut the hell up sometimes and asked how my friends were doing and what was going on their lives.

    When I've had friends like that... I had to slowly phase them out of my life. Vampiric tendencies of any kind can lead to entirely uneven relationships, and that's something I had to learn to recognize and avoid.

    I have, however, had certain people I connected with initially because of shared problems in life, and commiserating on those topics was a way to give each other support while not draining those who couldn't fathom what the frick' we were talking about. But those were different circumstances.

  6. #16
    Glycerine
    Guest

    Default

    My last situation like that, I pressured the person hardcore to go down a different path (like 3+ hours of persuasion) and that stopped the root of many of her problems. Beyond that, you could tell the friend, "Look, I really do care about you but I need time for myself right now... I hope you can understand that." That would be both diplomatic and direct.

Similar Threads

  1. Who are your Top Ten Favorite Fictional People
    By ladypinkington in forum Arts & Entertainment
    Replies: 187
    Last Post: 01-10-2015, 06:29 AM
  2. [NT] Who are your best non-NT friends?
    By mbeerti in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 193
    Last Post: 10-13-2014, 12:09 AM
  3. [MBTItm] Do people have friends who are a similar type?
    By Freyaaa in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 04-01-2013, 03:51 PM
  4. [ENFP] ENFPs who are NOT sensitive to criticism and AREN'T highly emotional?
    By Elfboy in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 19
    Last Post: 09-01-2011, 02:02 PM
  5. [INTJ] INTJ's-- who are your friends?
    By Nickels in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 02-05-2009, 12:58 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO