[ENFJ] ENFJ and two girls

[Lily flower]

There's an ENFJ I know who I think likes girl A. When he looks at her, his face goes all mushy, he stares at her a lot, he gets a goofy smile around her, he touches her a lot, and there are other reasons I think he likes her.

But when he is together with girl A and girl B, he almost completely ignores girl A and talks the entire time to girl B. He usually seems very animated talking to girl B. If girl A says something, he will laugh really loud and give her attention for a moment, but then go back to ignoring her and giving attention to girl B.

Why would he do that? Which girl does he actually like?

 

[Crescent Fresh]

Two of my ENFJ friends do this a lot, and I suspect they're not doing it to make the object of their affection jealous, but rather to test or get a reaction from them.

I would say it's a tactic to see if they're on the same boat. ENFJ tends to like to drop hints through actions in one-on-one settings by being a little bit touchy.

Anyways, perhaps other ENFJs can add their opinions about this? I'm curious as well!

 

[Stanton Moore]

Based on what you wrote, girl B.

 

[Lily flower]

Two of my ENFJ friends do this a lot, and I suspect they're not doing it to make the object of their affection jealous, but rather to test or get a reaction from them.

I would say it's a tactic to see if they're on the same boat. ENFJ tends to like to drop hints through actions in one-on-one settings by being a little bit touchy.

Anyways, perhaps other ENFJs can add their opinions about this? I'm curious as well!

Can you explain the hints thing? I don't think I understand that at all.

 

[Lily flower]

I suppose he could like both of them.

I thought my husband didn't like me (at least romantically) for a good year, and he told me later that he was just so in love with me that he couldn't handle it. (He is also an ENFJ). I think I am still trying to understand the ENFJ ignoring thing.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

Can you explain the hints thing? I don't think I understand that at all.

It seems like it's very difficult for ENFJ girls (based on my two friends) to verbalize their affections to the other party as they hoped the men will initiate first.

Usually they'll be "extremely" nice to the other person by doing little things like foods or small gifts. That's the first stage.

And if they still didn't recevie a desire response, they tend to be nicer to a different target to elicit a response. Or if that stunt target is not available, they'll talk about person B more in front of person A.

But I could be wrong though, as I'm not too familar with ENFJ's core traits. It's really based on my observation from my two ENFJ friends.

 

[Unkindloving]

This is an iffy one for me to judge, because ENFJs can have people that they find to be amazing friends and those who we are interested in. Girl A may be the amazing friend type until Girl B is around and takes the focus as the interest, or Girl A may be the interest until Girl B comes along and the amazing friendship overpowers the situation.
I've had both experiences. My most recent experience was being attracted to/interested in an ENTJ friend, but having another ENFJ friend who I can really mindmeld with and get along with. While I would be googly-eyed over the ENTJ, the ENFJ would instantly have more of my attention due to our ability to get each other.
However, I've also had situations where I will focus on the initial person because they matter friendship-wise, but the actual interest coming along sparks my aggressive flirty nature and it can be unstoppable.
It just really depends on the circumstances and the individual relationships. Best thing may just be to ask, or mexican hat dance around what you're actually asking.

I think ENFJs are even a bit crazy enough to Ni the whole situation out and realize they are so interested in the one that they don't want to leave the other out, so they can end up focusing so much on the other that it causes a mixed signal. We may have an amazing social gauge, but things can really tend to go haywire once we are directly involved in it, and aren't just advising and guiding from the sidelines.

-

I'm up for hearing any other details or examples of specific situations that you might be able to think of though. Could help, never know!

 

[Lily flower]

I think ENFJs are even a bit crazy enough to Ni the whole situation out and realize they are so interested in the one that they don't want to leave the other out, so they can end up focusing so much on the other that it causes a mixed signal.

This comment made me laugh, because I do exactly the same thing! I remember being really interested in one guy, but talking forever to his roommate, because the roommate was more talkative and I would have felt bad ignoring him in favor of the guy I liked.

 

[Lily flower]

I'm up for hearing any other details or examples of specific situations that you might be able to think of though. Could help, never know!

Before I add more details, I hope you don't think I'm too weird about wondering about other people's relationships, but I just find people so absolutely fascinating!


So more details...I've never seen this guy talk to girl B unless girl A and girl B are together, but it's possible that he talks with either one of them when I am not around.

He stares at girl A, but I have never seen him stare at girl B.


Giving attention to girl B and not girl A has happened several times, and it's almost like girl A does not even exist in these situations. (I feel for her because she obviously seems to like him and looks kind of lost when this happens.) I saw an exception to this once - he was talking to girl B like usual, girl A made a joke, he laughed and laughed at her joke (fall on the floor kind of laughing.) A couple of minutes later he ended up staring at girl A with a look that could have been lust or anger (hard to tell), she caught him staring at her and looked shocked, and he ended up staring at the table for the next half an hour, ignored both of them and then left the even shortly after without saying goodbye to anyone.

 

[cranez]

There's an ENFJ I know who I think likes girl A. When he looks at her, his face goes all mushy, he stares at her a lot, he gets a goofy smile around her, he touches her a lot, and there are other reasons I think he likes her.

But when he is together with girl A and girl B, he almost completely ignores girl A and talks the entire time to girl B. He usually seems very animated talking to girl B. If girl A says something, he will laugh really loud and give her attention for a moment, but then go back to ignoring her and giving attention to girl B.

Why would he do that? Which girl does he actually like?

Crescent Fresh said it almost perfectly. Occasionally we ENFJs like to collect information by the reactions of others. Occasionally I find myself ignoring romantic interests just to get them to chase me. But do understand that ENFJs are also flirtatious. So although he is showing affection for Girl A by being touchy feely, he may have no intentions other than friendship. I am very touchy feely with friends and sometimes, I mean - usually, people get the wrong idea.

 

[Unkindloving]

This comment made me laugh, because I do exactly the same thing! I remember being really interested in one guy, but talking forever to his roommate, because the roommate was more talkative and I would have felt bad ignoring him in favor of the guy I liked.

Yup.
The first night I talked to the ENTJ, I was focused and would intermittently comment with my ENFJ. The next night we all hung out, I talked to the ENFJ for practically 6 hours straight . It's different when you're aware enough of your interactions to know the reasons behind them and then to be able to explain them to others. I'm balls-to-the-wall though

Before I add more details, I hope you don't think I'm too weird about wondering about other people's relationships, but I just find people so absolutely fascinating!


So more details...I've never seen this guy talk to girl B unless girl A and girl B are together, but it's possible that he talks with either one of them when I am not around.

He stares at girl A, but I have never seen him stare at girl B.


Giving attention to girl B and not girl A has happened several times, and it's almost like girl A does not even exist in these situations. (I feel for her because she obviously seems to like him and looks kind of lost when this happens.) I saw an exception to this once - he was talking to girl B like usual, girl A made a joke, he laughed and laughed at her joke (fall on the floor kind of laughing.) A couple of minutes later he ended up staring at girl A with a look that could have been lust or anger (hard to tell), she caught him staring at her and looked shocked, and he ended up staring at the table for the next half an hour, ignored both of them and then left the even shortly after without saying goodbye to anyone.

Not weird to me! My primary mode of learning is through observing people, so it makes all of the sense in the world. Be fascinated- we're all such crazy creatures lol.
Hm. Interesting. Based on how I personally work, I'd say it's Girl A. I really have no absolute idea, so I'm definitely interested about if anything reveals itself in that situation . Egads I'm observing people through you observing people. It feels like a form of inception!
The last bit is strange to me, like very strange to me. I've seen people check out of a conversation in that way, but it just never resonates.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

He could just feel guilty for not being able to like both? So he likes one, but so the other isn't disappointed he gives her more attention when both are together.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Does this shed light on the issue:

TRADEMARK: "The first shall be last"
This refers to the open-door policy of ENFJs. One ENFJ colleague always welcomes me into his office regardless of his own circumstances. If another person comes to the door, he allows them to interrupt our conversation with their need. While discussing that need, the phone rings and he stops to answer it. Others drop in with a 'quick question.' I finally get up, go to my office and use the call waiting feature on the telephone. When he hangs up, I have his undivided attention!

I see this as a tendency of the ENFJ to put the person deemed most important LAST, probably with the idea that once everyone else is taken care of (as far as paying them attention or whatever their relationships to the other people entail), that they will be able to give their full focus to that person. In social situations, the ENFJ sometimes ignores the person they are most interested in so as to not ignore others, as that person will otherwise take their full focus. At times, this appears to be an over-compensation, an intentional turning of the attention to the person they are less interested in so as not to be too obvious about their real object of interest or to strive for balance in the social atmosphere (not leave anyone out). Of course, in doing so, they unintentionally leave someone out, the person actually they have the most feeling towards.

This is a tendency I have seen with many ENFJs. It sometimes causes problems with close family/friends who don't see it as a sign they are important; quite the opposite, they feel neglected & put on the back burner.

EDIT: To illustrate this further, I'll give a personal anecdote. An ENFJ friend of mine took a long trip to another country. When he got back, he announced it on his facebook. I sent him an email asking him how it was. Over the next week, I see him replying to many wall posts others have left him, but he does not acknowledge my email. Most of these people are casual acquaintances, while I am supposed to be a good friend. Finally, I receive a long, detailed response from him, which begins with him saying he saved his most important emails for last. I understand this to a point; I think everyone at times will put important things/people aside while they get minor things out of the way. In group situations in person, it is harder to detect that this is the motive of the ENFJ though.

 

[Lily flower]

Does this shed light on the issue:



I see this as a tendency of the ENFJ to put the person deemed most important LAST, probably with the idea that once everyone else is taken care of (as far as paying them attention or whatever their relationships to the other people entail), that they will be able to give their full focus to that person. In social situations, the ENFJ sometimes ignores the person they are most interested in so as to not ignore others, as that person will otherwise take their full focus. At times, this appears to be an over-compensation, an intentional turning of the attention to the person they are less interested in so as not to be too obvious about their real object of interest or to strive for balance in the social atmosphere (not leave anyone out). Of course, in doing so, they unintentionally leave someone out, the person actually have the most feeling towards.

This is a tendency I have seen with many ENFJs. It sometimes causes problems with close family/friends who don't see it as a sign they are important; quite the opposite, they feel neglected & put on the back burner.

EDIT: To illustrate this further, I'll give a personal anecdote. An ENFJ friend of mine took a long trip to another country. When he got back, he announced it on his facebook. I sent him an email asking him how it was. Over the next week, I see him replying to many wall posts others have left him, but he does not acknowledge my email. Most of these people are casual acquaintances, while I am supposed to be a good friend. Finally, I receive a long, detailed response from him, which begins with him saying he saved his most important emails for last. I understand this to a point; I think everyone at times will put important things/people aside while they get minor things out of the way. In group situations in person, it is harder to detect that this is the motive of the ENFJ though.

Wow. That explains a lot about a couple different ENFJ's I know. This one friend drives me crazy, because he always seems to respond to the "squeaky wheel," and not to his primary relationships. My husband and I both get tired of having to actually "ask" for his attention, when we supposedly are deep forever friends.

How do you have a relationship with an ENFJ without feeling like you are second to everyone else? Do you just accept that they will come around? Do you accept that you always have to initiate things, even though they tell you frequently how much they love and cherish you? Arg!

 

[21%]

I see this as a tendency of the ENFJ to put the person deemed most important LAST, probably with the idea that once everyone else is taken care of (as far as paying them attention or whatever their relationships to the other people entail), that they will be able to give their full focus to that person. In social situations, the ENFJ sometimes ignores the person they are most interested in so as to not ignore others, as that person will otherwise take their full focus. At times, this appears to be an over-compensation, an intentional turning of the attention to the person they are less interested in so as not to be too obvious about their real object of interest or to strive for balance in the social atmosphere (not leave anyone out). Of course, in doing so, they unintentionally leave someone out, the person actually have the most feeling towards.

This is a tendency I have seen with many ENFJs. It sometimes causes problems with close family/friends who don't see it as a sign they are important; quite the opposite, they feel neglected & put on the back burner.

EDIT: To illustrate this further, I'll give a personal anecdote. An ENFJ friend of mine took a long trip to another country. When he got back, he announced it on his facebook. I sent him an email asking him how it was. Over the next week, I see him replying to many wall posts others have left him, but he does not acknowledge my email. Most of these people are casual acquaintances, while I am supposed to be a good friend. Finally, I receive a long, detailed response from him, which begins with him saying he saved his most important emails for last. I understand this to a point; I think everyone at times will put important things/people aside while they get minor things out of the way. In group situations in person, it is harder to detect that this is the motive of the ENFJ though.

This!

I did something like that to my INFP once, and he got extremely hurt because he thought I didn't care about him once there were other people around

 

[OrangeAppled]

How do you have a relationship with an ENFJ without feeling like you are second to everyone else? Do you just accept that they will come around? Do you accept that you always have to initiate things, even though they tell you frequently how much they love and cherish you? Arg!

I've asked similar questions to ENFJs 'round these parts, and they artfully dodged them . Really though, I find they initiate a lot (more than I do), it might just take time before they make the rounds & get back to you. So yes, I guess you accept it....?

This!

I did something like that to my INFP once, and he got extremely hurt because he thought I didn't care about him once there were other people around

My INFJ does this on occasion, but to a far lesser degree. I don't see it as prevalent with the other FJs either (SFJs just don't seem to do this). It really is a more common quirk of the ENFJ.

 

[Unkindloving]

How do you have a relationship with an ENFJ without feeling like you are second to everyone else? Do you just accept that they will come around? Do you accept that you always have to initiate things, even though they tell you frequently how much they love and cherish you? Arg!

I'd say if an ENFJ is putting that much effort toward people who they aren't in a relationship with, then they need to compromise and learn to self-preserve.
For me, relationships are a game-changer. It's not a matter of 'most important last' like it may be with friendships or acquaintances. If I'm in a relationship I try to tend to myself and my significant other most of all/equally, then to the friendships. Maybe a lot of ENFJs consider tending to their friends to be tending to themselves, which is true, but needs to be kept somewhat separate for the sake of sanity and healthy relationships.
Same token- there are a lot of people who may see a few instances of focusing on others as reason to feel inferior, and those people may have to reel in their end of it.
lol "ENFJ's Gone Wild"

 

[Neutralpov]

Does this shed light on the issue:



I see this as a tendency of the ENFJ to put the person deemed most important LAST, probably with the idea that once everyone else is taken care of (as far as paying them attention or whatever their relationships to the other people entail), that they will be able to give their full focus to that person. In social situations, the ENFJ sometimes ignores the person they are most interested in so as to not ignore others, as that person will otherwise take their full focus. At times, this appears to be an over-compensation, an intentional turning of the attention to the person they are less interested in so as not to be too obvious about their real object of interest or to strive for balance in the social atmosphere (not leave anyone out). Of course, in doing so, they unintentionally leave someone out, the person actually they have the most feeling towards.

This is a tendency I have seen with many ENFJs. It sometimes causes problems with close family/friends who don't see it as a sign they are important; quite the opposite, they feel neglected & put on the back burner.

EDIT: To illustrate this further, I'll give a personal anecdote. An ENFJ friend of mine took a long trip to another country. When he got back, he announced it on his facebook. I sent him an email asking him how it was. Over the next week, I see him replying to many wall posts others have left him, but he does not acknowledge my email. Most of these people are casual acquaintances, while I am supposed to be a good friend. Finally, I receive a long, detailed response from him, which begins with him saying he saved his most important emails for last. I understand this to a point; I think everyone at times will put important things/people aside while they get minor things out of the way. In group situations in person, it is harder to detect that this is the motive of the ENFJ though.

Thank you Orange. I spotted this the first post. I always attributed it to being an so dom. I am social and want the myriad interactions with friends of mine. So when I go to a party with a significant other I can have that tendency to talk to everyone else. It is because I am charged up by the interactions with the friends I want to see. And I truly want to talk with them and catch up and with my significant other I already know I have a solid relation with them not that I am trying to make them jealous. That thought never enters my mind even though now I am aware that that is what is perceived of us!
I wouldn't call it "first shall be last" I would say this is a core need of enfjs that they do actually unconsciously put as a priority! When I was younger I was not good at expressing my needs except this one! It comes out because it is so strong. I would call it a drive or life focus after seeing my behavior in this area.

Edit: I do think I can be held back in my need to connect with my friend when my significant other is around! If that becomes a pattern I will purposefully go without you and feel no guilt about it.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Thank you Orange. I spotted this the first post. I always attributed it to being an so dom. I am social and want the myriad interactions with friends of mine. So when I go to a party with a significant other I can have that tendency to talk to everyone else. It is because I am charged up by the interactions with the friends I want to see. And I truly want to talk with them and catch up and with my significant other I already know I have a solid relation with them not that I am trying to make them jealous. That thought never enters my mind even though now I am aware that that is what is perceived of us!
I wouldn't call it "first shall be last" I would say this is a core need of enfjs that they do actually unconsciously put as a priority! When I was younger I was not good at expressing my needs except this one! It comes out because it is so strong. I would call it a drive or life focus after seeing my behavior in this area.

Edit: I do think I can be held back in my need to connect with my friend when my significant other is around! If that becomes a pattern I will purposefully go without you and feel no guilt about it.

Of course if you go to a party you will talk to other people; that is why you are there. Everyone does this, and I don't think anyone is expecting an ENFJ to ignore everyone else in favor of their SO or closest friend who is also present. In such situations, most people focus on friends & their SO does the same. I don't see it as trying to make someone jealous at all, either. To an extreme, it can come off as inconsiderate to totally ignore your SO though, not even bothering to include them in a conversation if they are new to the group & finding it difficult to participate.

What we're talking about here, though, is a situation where your relationship to the "most important person" is not cemented as it is with an SO, but you still put them aside because possibly in your mind you feel will focus on them later, preferring now to focus on other, "lesser" friends. To the person in question, it appears you are not interested in them at all, because you do not have an official relationship & they have little reason to believe they are significant to you. Maybe you do spend more time with them alone, but they may not know this.

 

[Neutralpov]

All true and good Orange as usual. You are another forum member with our user's manual. Most of the time I assume I care more than others in general about other people, especially the closer relationships and how found out later into getting involved I was never a main "girl" even though time spent indicated it to me. I see it work both ways is what I am saying. nfjs generally find interactions more meaningful than others do so I have that in the back of my mind also. Not sure if that related 1-1 to your response... Brainfried at work today!