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  1. #11
    Member Moxiest's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sciski View Post
    Sorry that you're going through this. Betrayal from a trusted and loved friend hurts like nothing else.

    It sounds as if your discovery was very recent, so right now the wound is very raw... maybe give it some time. There are trustworthy people out there, but you have had the misfortune to place your trust in the wrong person. Sometimes friends can make mistakes that hurt us, but this sounds like a long-term betrayal, and her apparent lack of remorse is also worrying.

    I've had my trust broken by two very good (I thought) friends. One didn't express remorse at the time, but later came to realise what she'd done to hurt me and seemed genuinely remorseful. I would like to be friends with her again, though it will take time to rebuild. The other has never expressed any remorse, and I maintain a verrrrry superficial and distant 'friendship' with her, and am quietly stepping out of her life. She doesn't actually seem to care either (though she talks the talk about us being such 'good friends'), so that helps relieve the guilt. It's better not to have someone like her in my life--and if your friend proves similar, you will be surprised at the perspective that distance brings, and surprised at all the little things you overlooked that were telling you that this person never really deserved your trust at all. It's all a learning experience. Our relationships with others will never be perfectly smooth, but we can learn from them.
    Yes, the apparent lack of remorse is probably the worst part..... sorry to hear this sort of thing happened to you as well!

  2. #12
    Member Moxiest's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    I really, really hate writing people off too (even if only in degrees- sometimes I stay in contact but can’t consider them close). This thread (link here) might be helpful.

    With me- it never really feels like a choice. When I get a negative shock from someone close to me- I just feel confused for a while at first and inevitably a new ‘line’ that seems fairest surfaces on its own. The longer I knew the person, the longer that period of confusion lasts- and sometimes I try to force a peaceful conclusion because I want the person back and I assume I’ll get over it, only to find out later that something inside me is just too resistant to it. My point is that finding a new ‘line’ takes time and grieving over the initial loss is unavoidable- it’s just going to feel bad for a while, no matter how you decide to handle it. But after a while the grieving gets better and eventually goes away.

    @ the bolded, because I’m not sure if it’s in reference to the person in the op: I think the crux is that trust lost needs to be earned back- it can’t be a decision, it has to be a series of experiences that proves the person gets what they did was hurtful and they won’t do it again. Damaged friendships need to be stuck in that sort of purgatory for a while if the person wants to earn the trust back. I think- in order to protect your own feelings- it’s important to keep this in mind while trying to impose some temporary ‘line’ (until a resolution that seems best emerges on its own). If a person gets impatient with it- or manipulative (like trying to make the ‘purgatory’ look vindictive- when it’s really just a necessary part of earning trust back)- that’s indication they don’t realize how hurtful their behavior was. Just remember the other person brought the ‘purgatory’ upon themselves, and their behavior/attitude during this period will pretty much determine where the ‘line’ ends up.
    This is VERY insightful. Thank you for the link, I'll check it out

  3. #13
    Member Moxiest's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Southern Kross View Post
    With that sort of half-assed apology I'm not surprised you're having trouble forgiving her. It doesn't seem like she fully appreciates what you're feeling and lacks any sort of humility. Its kind of a "I'm sorry I got caught" or a "Its in the past, just get over it." sort of thing. I would make it clear that this isn't good enough. She needs to properly acknowledge she's done wrong and ask for a second chance; she should genuinely apologise for her actions and seek your forgiveness, and not expect it from you. Basically the two of you can't move past it all, until the hurt itself, and the causes of it, have been sufficiently addressed.

    My sister's boyfriend cheated on her and she forgave him without this step. He said over and over how much he loved her, and wanted to be with her, but he never properly apologised. He wouldn't openly acknowledge that he did wrong and that he needed to change his behaviour in future - which to me was a major danger sign. She was so in love with him and wanted to forgive him so much that she did. You can guess what happened. A few months afterward he did it again.
    YES! I have no evidence that she won't continue to lie to me in the future, and this is why that line MUST be drawn. IF she makes an attempt at earning back that trust, I am willing to possibly move that line... but I'm just not positive how trusting I will be able to be of this friend in the future.......... Sorry to hear about your sister!

  4. #14
    Away with the fairies Southern Kross's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moxiest View Post
    YES! I have no evidence that she won't continue to lie to me in the future, and this is why that line MUST be drawn. IF she makes an attempt at earning back that trust, I am willing to possibly move that line... but I'm just not positive how trusting I will be able to be of this friend in the future.......... Sorry to hear about your sister!
    I don't want take what I said to mean people can't change or that trust is irreparable. Maybe your friend doesn't realise what a big deal it is or that you think she's failing to take your position seriously. She may even feel really guilty about it but is struggling to apologise or is too embarrassed to convey how much she regrets it. If you do want to give the relationship another go, perhaps you could trying expressing openly to her how much it hurt you and that you fear you can no longer trust her. Give her the opportunity to act with full knowledge of all the relevant facts and feelings. You don't want to give up on her just because of a possible miscommunication or misunderstanding. And if you are both open, what is said might help to resolve some of the internal conflict you're feeling.
    INFP 4w5 so/sp

    I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas;
    they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind.

    - Emily Bronte

  5. #15
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    I can't speak for most other INFJs, but betrayal is a big deal for me. I am sure you must be feeling quite overwhelming though you didn't specifically mention what the trouble is--though I can feel what you're experiencing right now.

    I am the type who can forgive easily, but not really forget. If you feel the toxic element is just too deep, then you might really want to re-consider if you should maintain a good relationship with her.

    Personally, I would just distance myself and to give both of us a time to think things over. If you really consider her as someone really important, at one point.

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crescent Fresh View Post
    I can't speak for most other INFJs, but betrayal is a big deal for me. I am sure you must be feeling quite overwhelming though you didn't specifically mention what the trouble is--though I can feel what you're experiencing right now.

    I am the type who can forgive easily, but not really forget. If you feel the toxic element is just too deep, then you might really want to re-consider if you should maintain a good relationship with her.

    Personally, I would just distance myself and to give both of us a time to think things over. If you really consider her as someone really important, at one point.
    Oh yeah, it hurt like heck. I don't think I will ever be able to see this friend in the same light again... and that realization is very hard to come to terms with... I loved her like she was my own sister... very close friendship. Kind of friendship I would have rather died than to have betrayed... I guess I kindof thought she had the same sort of idea towards the friendship.... maybe that's why the betrayal hurt so bad... :/

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Southern Kross View Post
    I don't want take what I said to mean people can't change or that trust is irreparable. Maybe your friend doesn't realise what a big deal it is or that you think she's failing to take your position seriously. She may even feel really guilty about it but is struggling to apologise or is too embarrassed to convey how much she regrets it. If you do want to give the relationship another go, perhaps you could trying expressing openly to her how much it hurt you and that you fear you can no longer trust her. Give her the opportunity to act with full knowledge of all the relevant facts and feelings. You don't want to give up on her just because of a possible miscommunication or misunderstanding. And if you are both open, what is said might help to resolve some of the internal conflict you're feeling.

    I really did do this. The letter where I told her what happened, I told her how hurt I was (in detail) by her betrayal of my trust. I am hoping this will get better.... but know I cannot see her the same as I once did. IT just won't ever happen :/

  8. #18
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    I just reread this thread, and wanted to thank everyone that took the time to respond to it. My friend and I are on speaking terms, I have forgiven her, but now know she is not all of what I had truly thought her to be. Thanks for being there for me and all of these responses- it was very kind of all of you!

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