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  1. #1
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    Default INFJ and security

    I am an INFJ, and I have big issues with needing financial security and geographic security. Is this an INFJ trait?

    Almost all my anxiety in life is related to money, and I feel anxious about it a great deal of the time.

    I also do not like geographic change. On vacation I always feel like there's an element of "danger." I'm always sure that my husband and I will become ill and there will be no one we know who can come take care of our children, or that our car will break down and there will be no one to call to come pick us up.

    Anyone else have this problem? Is there anything you have done that has made it better?

  2. #2
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    Might just be an enneagram 6 trait?

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    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    I'm concerned about having "back-ups" -- back-up money, back-up food in the fridge, etc., but not to the extent of what you described. For me, I think it might be due to my J-ness (always be prepared) and being sp-first.

    For your specific concerns, if you have a back-up plan for your vacations (spare cell phone batteries, road rescue numbers, etc.), will that make it less stressful?
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  4. #4
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    I tend to assume that a lot of the little technical details will take care of themselves, but that may be due to growing up with my dad. He's hyper-conscientious and always looked after that stuff...

    I am a worrier - both INFJ, and enneagram 6. It runs in the family, apparently. My parents get all anxious if I suggest I might travel somewhere the tiniest bit dangerous (although I live in a pretty dangerous big city, go figure...). In some respects I worry about things like money more than I should. Not that I'm ultra-frugal or anything (reasonably careful with money, but a bit frivolous with small expenses.) But if I don't have a permanent job or at least a longish contract in place it makes me very anxious. I went through that sort of uncertainty for a few years and ultimately it was really bad for my health. In a way it doesn't make sense, because my parents could bail me out easily if necessary, but I wouldn't want that to happen. I don't think it's that I'm worried about ending up on the street. I just handle uncertainty badly.

    I need to know I have a place to live, and a job, and then I feel better. I know people (mainly FPs) who can go with the flow to an unbelievable extent ("after next week I have nowhere to live, but I'm sure it will work out") but I just can't, it wreaks havoc on me.

    I was also the one who, when on holiday in Egypt with friends and we were in taxis on the highway a million miles in hour with no traffic rules and no seatbelts, who kept fidgeting and saying "my parents would hate to see this." The others found that amusing. I tend to think that some people are stupidly oblivious to their own safety. Then again, often there's nothing much you can do. I was much more relaxed after a couple of days of the nutty traffic

    I think I'm only known to worry among those who know me well. Otherwise I look very very calm. I am calm on the outside and in some respects inside, but I am very wound up internally in other ways. I suffer from a couple of phobias (flying, and thunderstorms) and tend to make things worse by anticipating my own anxiety. It's getting better though - I had CBT for the flying thing a couple of years ago and it did help.

    In a way I ascribe all this more to being e6 than to being INFJ. I think the two are a rough combination, though. I'm starting to understand why I feel so often like the world is ripping up my already raw nerves.

    Lily, do you think you are enneagram 6? Sounds very possible.
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  5. #5
    Member Moxiest's Avatar
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    INFJ's are anxiety prone.

    I also prefer to be in the general vicinity of my birth... I lived in the small town I was born in the first 23 years of my life... and now live about 45 min. away from it. My parents grew up there, and some of my grandparents did as well IT's familiar, I look at the places and I remember bits and pieces of my life... it feels nice to be in/around my hometown.

    I like how my INTP boyfriend enjoyed "exploring" so much. We'd hop in the car, and he'd never tell me where I was going.... we'd just meander... wind up in a city/town we've never been to, find a dive restaurant, or go walking or something..... then meander on back home I think I'd feel brave/safe enough to go just about anywhere with him. He could stay calm/handle emotional/situational stress VERY well. Having him in my life was such a blessing. He brought alot of calm to my fairly anxious soul...

  6. #6
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    I share the money concern, and have always wanted to be self-sufficient and able to take care of myself, and be 'responsible' with my money, thus putting money into savings is very important to me. I think part of this is just my baseline personality, but I think it's much more heightened than it may have been, due to my having two ISxJ parents who drilled these concepts into my head.

    I don't share the lack of security in new locations, however. BUT, I think my lessening of anxiety, in terms of safety, has happened very much over the past 12 years... post-college. And, I find that now change is *essential* to my happiness and curiosity - change of location, in terms of day trips, or longer vacations in or out of the country. I need those new scenes/experiences not only to balance myself out but because I simply love seeing new places, going on new hikes, experiencing new cultures and landscapes. Love it love it.

    I think when it comes to travel, one a-ha moment I had a while ago was realizing that my own hometown at the time - Minneapolis/St. Paul - was in fact in many ways as dangerous or more dangerous than other countries. Just perhaps in different ways. I realized that walking around the streets downtown Minneapolis made me distinctly more anxious than walking in a village in Greece. A lot of this may be rose-tinted glasses or my simply not having been in Greece long enough (i.e. false sense of security), but that's simply an example -- that the reality of these other places is that they may not hold the danger element that you think they might. Or at least not moreso than your own home. The difference is that you're *familiar* with your own home.

    The other thing that maybe makes it so that I'm not ... overwhelmed by anxiety / lack of security in these new locations is simply that there have been a handful of times over the past 12 years where I have *deliberately* put myself out of my comfort zone - in terms of location. I've gone through with things despite anxiety, I have survived, felt stronger for it, and as a result I'm no longer anxious about many things I might have experienced anxiety with years ago.

    I can relate to wanting security and also being a generally anxious person... I just find my anxiety is directed towards different things I guess.. tends to be more prevalent in my everyday life/relationships than when I'm traveling. And, I don't think the Security element is a driving force/focus in my life. Important, but I don't think it rules me or my decisions. Maybe it is an enneagram thing.
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  7. #7
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lily flower View Post
    I am an INFJ, and I have big issues with needing financial security and geographic security. Is this an INFJ trait?

    Almost all my anxiety in life is related to money, and I feel anxious about it a great deal of the time.
    Yes. I related to this a lot. I'm not a big spender but I'm really poor at budgeting (perhaps the inferior ranking of Se?). I'm trying to work on it though.

    I also do not like geographic change.
    Yes, I suffer from this too; however, I tend to stay a little alert when traveling--not to a point to feel dangerous as compare to you.

    The problem with geographic change is the amount of stress and uncertainty of meeting new people, worrying if I'll be assimilated to new surroundings easily. It takes a lengthy amount of time for me to get used to a new city or country. I've recently moved to a new country for two months and I'm still experiencing a great difficulty adjusting it.

    The only way for me to get over this is to find a focus, usually from jobs. This is why finding an ideal job is very important for me (unfortuantely, I'm still struggling with one right now).

  8. #8
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    Hmm. I've become a little more like this as I've gotten older, but not to the extent described here.

    In my 20s, I loved international travel. Especially alone. The freedom was so amazing. I gloried in the self-sufficiency. And if crappy things happened, it didn't bother me so much because no one had to suffer except myself. During this time, though, I did hate changing worlds. I strongly disliked having to adjust between the "foreign me" and "domestic me". And I often longed for where ever I was not.

    Along about 28 or so, I decided I'd had enough. I suddenly longed for stability, security, a permanent residence.

    These days, I love being home. I am married, living in a cozy cabin, and am more emotionally satisfied than I was in my 20s. I feel much more content, and don't long to fly away to free myself from others' demands. I do enjoy traveling, but it sometimes seems like so much work when I could just be relaxing at home.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Kyrielle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lily flower View Post
    I am an INFJ, and I have big issues with needing financial security and geographic security. Is this an INFJ trait?

    Almost all my anxiety in life is related to money, and I feel anxious about it a great deal of the time.

    I also do not like geographic change. On vacation I always feel like there's an element of "danger." I'm always sure that my husband and I will become ill and there will be no one we know who can come take care of our children, or that our car will break down and there will be no one to call to come pick us up.

    Anyone else have this problem? Is there anything you have done that has made it better?
    I actually don't worry too much about my money. But that's only because I've spent the last year or so carefully planning and creating a budget worksheet that is highly accurate and gives me a clear heading on my finances at all times. Granted, I couldn't have done this without my mother's assistance. It also helps that I'm naturally very frugal. I will admit that occasionally I panic over the thought that I might have forgotten to pay a bill. So I made a worksheet for bill payments so I know when they're supposed to be done.

    I can empathize with your feeling of danger while somewhere you're not accustomed to. Just recently I moved into a new apartment complex, and I still wake up at night, just as I'm falling asleep, because of someone slamming a door downstairs. I jolt upright in bed, absolutely convinced someone has broken into my apartment. Eventually, this feeling should go away, but I also get this flighty tendency any time I'm alone and staying somewhere new. It's because I sleep like the dead, and I'm afraid I wouldn't wake up unless someone was beating me about the face and neck or otherwise stabbing me.
    "I took the one less traveled by,
    And that has made all the difference."

    Robert Frost

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