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  1. #1
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    Default NFs: How Do You Set Boundaries?

    It's official, I've been told by a loved one that I'm being a doormat. That I need to rise up against people who are being asses, and it includes her if I ever think that she is being one. That I need to talk back. That I need to stake my claims too, because I'm a person also.

    The problem? Setting strong and firm boundaries is hard (especially to loved ones.) It seems, when I think of something as small, I'll let it go. When I'm being asked a question, my answer may be a little hard to understand. I've been told that a Yes or No answer isn't and shouldn't be considered an attack on the other person.

    So, it seems, my boundary problems are a lot bigger than I expected. One that took years to manifest.

    I get the concept. However, it is easier said than done. So NFs (or anyone,) how do you set boundaries? One that doesn't make me look like an ass, but also says that I have my own issues too.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Simi's Avatar
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    I'm really bad at setting boundaries, too.

    I will go all out and give everyone my all, then feel lonely and unloved when nothing much is given back.

    The guy I am interested in, who I have posted a thread about here, notices that I'm a "doormat" and told me that I need to start standing up for myself more often and not just let everyone walk all over me.

    I think that I try to be considerate, but inevitably because of how concerned I am for other peoples wellbeing I end up becoming stepped all over and people have too many expectations from me because of my giving and caring behavior.

    I have two best friends who expect me to pay for them to eat, admission to places, and arrange rides for them every time we hang out. They're deeply disappointed and treat me like trash if something occurs in my life that messes up one of our plans together, however on the flip side I am not allowed to be upset if their personal obligations interfere.

    So, I think I could honestly work on establishing boundaries as well.
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  3. #3
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    I've always been great at it, except in romantic relationships (which is a separate issue entirely).

    I've always been a pretty firm, straight-forward person, I remember being called "salty" even when I was about 20, and there was this other chick who called me Hitler one time at lunch in high school when she got mad at me.

    I wonder if Fe types, SFJs and NFJs, have more issues with boundaries than Fi types.

    I have no problem telling people no, fuck off, leave me alone, or kthnxbye. In fact the older I've gotten the better I am at being extremely tactful about it IRL.

    Maybe I am ESFP. I should make a poll.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Simi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    I have no problem telling people no, fuck off, leave me alone, or kthnxbye. In fact the older I've gotten the better I am at being extremely tactful about it IRL.
    o:
    I can't do that to people in my close bubble without apologizing within an hour. I would worry too much about how they took it.
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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Simi View Post
    o:
    I can't do that to people in my close bubble without apologizing within an hour. I would worry too much about how they took it.
    It depends on what and who it is. I'm naturally direct, and as I say, I've actually learned more tact with age. If I genuinely love someone and don't want to hurt their feelings, then obviously I'm going to be firmer in a nicer rather than abrupt way, but even then...yeah, I mean when it comes down to it I believe in being direct. I can't even fathom letting my friends treat me the way you say you've been treated. I also can't fathom not throwing a large encyclopedia at my mother's head if she woke me up at 4 AM over totally irrelevant bullshit as I've seen her do to my ENFJ sister.

    With romantic relationships, I can be a total retard, but that's more of a sense of dependency or co-dependency or something that has nothing to do with how I set boundaries when I don't want something. Even if my boyfriend crossed a line of something big I'd let him know, and I could be pretty shitty about it. But that's the only place I've seriously had boundary issues in my life.

    Like I said, I could very well be an SFP instead of an NFP, but on the other hand I suspect that ExFPs can be firmer because of tert Te, and that Fe types (FJs) especially may be too open to other people and what those other people want instead of taking care of themselves first.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Simi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    I also can't fathom not throwing a large encyclopedia at my mother's head if she woke me up at 4 AM over totally irrelevant bullshit as I've seen her do to my ENFJ sister.
    Now, there is where I am different. With my family, I am completely brutal because for the most part they are on power trips and have no good reason for the restrictions they place upon me.

    However, after I lash out on anyone besides my sister, I do give a long speech-y apology, usually within a few hours or the following morning.
    I am not very good at sticking to my guns when I'm being bitter.
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  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Simi View Post
    Now, there is where I am different. With my family, I am completely brutal because for the most part they are on power trips and have no good reason for the restrictions they place upon me.

    However, after I lash out on anyone besides my sister, I do give a long speech-y apology, usually within a few hours or the following morning.
    I am not very good at sticking to my guns when I'm being bitter.
    Well my mother is an emotional vampire and she throws fits over nothing, and my ExFP sister also realizes this and acts accordingly. It's like ENFJ always placates her and when she can't bear to do it anymore she has to physically leave.

    There's a difference between being firm and freaking out on someone, though. I can see apologizing for freaking out and having a melt down, but I won't apologize for being firm about something that I should be firm about.

    I feel bad for you that your friends treat you like that, but you shouldn't let them take advantage of you. Even if you can't bring yourself to confront them directly, stop doing things like paying their way if they're ungrateful and demanding. You deserve friends who treat you as an equal, not as the person who should just always be doing things for them.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    I can't even fathom letting my friends treat me the way you say you've been treated. I also can't fathom not throwing a large encyclopedia at my mother's head if she woke me up at 4 AM over totally irrelevant bullshit as I've seen her do to my ENFJ sister.

    Like I said, I could very well be an SFP instead of an NFP, but on the other hand I suspect that ExFPs can be firmer because of tert Te, and that Fe types (FJs) especially may be too open to other people and what those other people want instead of taking care of themselves first.
    I do have some boundaries. In your case, if a family member were to wake me up in the middle of the night, I would be slightly mad. But that is the extent of it, slightly mad.

    As for Simi's case, I will not allow my friends to treat me that way. No way, if those types of people expect me to call them my friends, they'll be paying for me too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    Well my mother is an emotional vampire and she throws fits over nothing, and my ExFP sister also realizes this and acts accordingly. It's like ENFJ always placates her and when she can't bear to do it anymore she has to physically leave.
    When someone that I care about (or think I care about) acts that way, I tend to ignore it as best I can. If I end up getting mad, I do just leave for a moment.

  9. #9
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    Actually, if you can, tell them how you feel. Just ceasing to do things without explanation can be passive aggressive and cause more problems. If it's hard for you to confront them, say "I feel that ..." and explain how their behaviors are making you feel, if you can.

    If someone did me that way I wouldn't stand for it, but I understand that this is more difficult for some people....it's just that you can't keep letting them get away with it, and if you aren't comfortable with coming out and saying "hey you're being selfish jerks" at least bring it to their attention how you feel. If they don't care how you feel after you tell them, then you should seriously find new friends.

  10. #10
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Simi View Post
    o:
    I can't do that to people in my close bubble without apologizing within an hour. I would worry too much about how they took it.
    This is how I am too. It's pathetic. lol

    The only exception is if it's someone who I know is hopelessly clueless and will continue to be a repeat offender. Then I won't apologize. Luckily people like this are rare.

    As for the OP, it's really a good/healthy thing to get in touch with your Fi and balance your Fe with that.

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