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  1. #1
    Aquaria mrcockburn's Avatar
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    Default Attracting INFJs?

    Why is it (in real life) that I always attract INFJs (in proportion to other types)? I'm always meeting and talking to new people, but the INFJs are the most likely types to keep pursuing me and take things to a more serious level than they should be.

    What causes you to do that to people? Do you do it to everyone, you players?

    Many of them that I meet become borderline stalkerish - not in a threatening/scary way (I've had that with exes too, but none of them were INFJs), but just like...whoa. Too much. They just vibe to me as way too emotionally invested. Their hearts are a house of cards that I always accidentally knock down.

    Hard to explain. But my last relationship was actually with an INFJ, and it ended badly. Very badly.

    I never exit relationships with INFJs on a good note for some reason, it's always a horrific drama. You guys are awesome though until the inevitable end though!
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  2. #2
    Certified Sausage Smoker Elfboy's Avatar
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    well, being a self employed ESTP So dom 3, you probably attract them at first and then they get overwhelmed by your choleric, dramatic personality. that would be my guess
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  3. #3
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I think they are attracted to people who have a wide variety of skills/interests that they don't. I don't know an STP that doesn't collect skills like nobody's business.

    INFJs also are interested in figuring out what is beneath the surface of you. Because that isn't readily apparent with STPs, it makes them want to get to know you better.
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  4. #4
    violaine
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    Well, I'll hazard a guess as to the process that occurs inside intense people, taken to an extreme. I think some people are disposed to losing themselves in the fantasy of an attraction because it feels good to them. I can imagine INFJs as a type might often enjoy losing themselves in daydreams about their love interest. Heightening things in their imagination because it feels good, listening to certain types of music to feed the feeling, more elaborate daydreams as time goes by, eventually to the exclusion of reality if at an extreme. (Thinking it's particularly so for the socially isolated ones.) Unless a person learns to discipline their minds and modulate this tendency, and perhaps wait for mutual attraction, if you trigger their fantasy mode, they can in effect start to become really attached to the fantasy of you. It can happen without you even knowing. And then it comes across as being SUPER-INTENSE, because you aren't aware of all the scenarios you've been posed in in their mind, and all the ways they've inserted themselves into your future. (Ew, I'm INFJ and that even creeps me out.) Some people seem to run down this pathway in their mind quite quickly, ime, and only one or two interactions are enough to trigger it.

    I think it is unhealthy as all get out, as are all indulgences taken to an extreme. In the absence of mutuality, best not to run away with oneself.

  5. #5
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mrcockburn View Post
    But my last relationship was actually with an INFJ, and it ended badly. Very badly.
    Sounds like you got doorslammed. But if that's the case, don't try to winning her back, it'll be a waste of time.
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  6. #6
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I think they are attracted to people who have a wide variety of skills/interests that they don't.
    That's very true. I'm always attracted to people who I can learn from them. And having simliar interests and skills won't help, romantically especially.


    INFJs also are interested in figuring out what is beneath the surface of you. Because that isn't readily apparent with STPs, it makes them want to get to know you better.
    Exactly.

  7. #7
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by violaine View Post
    Well, I'll hazard a guess as to the process that occurs inside intense people, taken to an extreme. I think some people are disposed to losing themselves in the fantasy of an attraction because it feels good to them. I can imagine INFJs as a type might often enjoy losing themselves in daydreams about their love interest. Heightening things in their imagination because it feels good, listening to certain types of music to feed the feeling, more elaborate daydreams as time goes by, eventually to the exclusion of reality if at an extreme. (Thinking it's particularly so for the socially isolated ones.) Unless a person learns to discipline their minds and modulate this tendency, and perhaps wait for mutual attraction, if you trigger their fantasy mode, they can in effect start to become really attached to the fantasy of you. It can happen without you even knowing. And then it comes across as being SUPER-INTENSE, because you aren't aware of all the scenarios you've been posed in in their mind, and all the ways they've inserted themselves into your future. (Ew, I'm INFJ and that even creeps me out.) Some people seem to run down this pathway in their mind quite quickly, ime, and only one or two interactions are enough to trigger it.

    I think it is unhealthy as all get out, as are all indulgences taken to an extreme. In the absence of mutuality, best not to run away with oneself.

    I've re-read this post a couple of time. I think it is true to the core but my version is ultimately this:

    INFJs are super hard on themselves as they are such a perfectionist and set a high bar so high that it's hard for others to catch up with. Though once they're romantically involved with another, they focus on the other more intensely with extremely high expectation. Perhaps that's why the honeymoon period of a relationship can be relatively short if they start to ignore setting the same expectation toward themselves.

    I realized this pattern can be extremely harmful as it's almost unconscious. Now I realized the best way to approach a relationship is to expect nothing in the beginning and hope good surprises will come afterwards.

  8. #8
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    INFJs also are interested in figuring out what is beneath the surface of you. Because that isn't readily apparent with STPs, it makes them want to get to know you better.
    Yeah. Could definitely be the intrigue factor. Of all the types, I think STPs are the ones I understand the least.
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  9. #9
    Aquaria mrcockburn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crescent Fresh View Post
    Sounds like you got doorslammed. But if that's the case, don't try to winning her back, it'll be a waste of time.
    What happened was that he cried in Starbucks (we were at a corner table to the back) - and it didn't help that two friends, in their loud/oblivious ESTJ fashion, couldn't take a hint and stomped over to me to loudly yap about some baseball game coming up, which is when the INFJ got up and locked himself in the bathroom.

    Once the goddamn ESTJs got their sparkles donuts and left, I couldn't get him to come out the restroom. So I just left, and that was that.

    He emailed/texted me last week saying he maied me something, but I had happened to move, so idk what it was. Probably a bomb. (jk)
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  10. #10
    Aquaria mrcockburn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    Yeah. Could definitely be the intrigue factor. Of all the types, I think STPs are the ones I understand the least.
    That's what I love about them, actually. They're terrific to philosophise/speculate with. They don't seem to particularly enjoy debate, though.

    Honestly, I'm definitely different one-to-one vs my default public behavior.
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