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  1. #31
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Orangeappled, Nebbykoo, etc: Maybe it is more a case of not needing as much outside input to resolve things as an INFJ might. But I am pretty sure that I've read comments by INFPs, and certainly ENFPs, suggesting that by using something like a "shift in perspective" they can move on, not at the drop of a hat, but without the neurotic fixating and obsessing that can go on for weeks, months or even years and which some of us INFJs are prone to.

    Based on my own experience of FPs, which is limited, I can't really comment. I've mentioned my friend here and there who I think is either INFP or a somewhat withdrawn ENFP, and she feels things with extreme intensity in the moment, but they don't seem to grieve or trouble her so much for extended periods of time. I think this has even caused problems between us sometimes because she'll make a very dramatic and sweeping statement about how she'll feel or how something is "always" or "forever", or a person is permanently out of her life - and I have tended to believe her - and a couple of weeks or months later they're back in her life, she's moved on to another boyfriend, or whatever.

    Sorry, kinda digressing here. And I don't mean to make judgments over NFPs or anyone, just that this has been my definite impression from some of what I've read on this forum.

    I'm also not particularly prone to making dramatic displays, though it has happened. Most people wouldn't know that I'm in emotional distress or having difficulty moving on; only if they ask me about it, or I'm desperate to vent to someone, or if you happen to be the person who caused me the emotional distress, and you approach me at the wrong time...
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  2. #32
    morose bourgeoisie
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    I think the difference is this: when as INFP pushes thing down, they push it far down, so it is hidden even from them. That way it looks like they resolved it but in fact they've simply deferred the problem for some future time, sometimes decades away. Extreme sensitivity at work here...

  3. #33
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Hm, yeah. I have trouble pushing things away...they tend to stay near the surface, or else surface repeatedly in dreams.

    I only "deal with" things by the following: if another person is involved (and ain't that usually the case?), resolving things fully with them; or, if that's not possible, allowing a great deal of time and distance to elapse...and if I have to purely rely on the time/distance thing, there's probably going to be a lot of painful feelings in the interim.

    Most INFJs, despite obvious variations as we're still all individuals, seem to agree that once we've moved on from a situation - properly, not just pushing it away - we've REALLY moved on. Like, to the extent that we can coldly say "that person is pretty much dead to me" and mean it. But it can take a lot of time and heartache to get there. (And usually, the person being dead to you is not the ideal way to resolve things...but sometimes it feels like the only option.)

    From what you've said, perhaps INFPs can push things away (even from themselves) with more apparent ease, but full resolution of issues may be elusive for a very long time and might not be "complete" in the way that it can eventually be for an INFJ once they've gone through all that agonizing.

    I have to apologise to the OP, I feel like this thread has kinda been hijacked and gone off topic.
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  4. #34
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Most INFJs, despite obvious variations as we're still all individuals, seem to agree that once we've moved on from a situation - properly, not just pushing it away - we've REALLY moved on. Like, to the extent that we can coldly say "that person is pretty much dead to me" and mean it. But it can take a lot of time and heartache to get there. (And usually, the person being dead to you is not the ideal way to resolve things...but sometimes it feels like the only option.)

    I think one of the reason why INFJs do this is because when we felt hurt, the feeling is truly intense and it can linger for a long time for recovery. Perhaps when we've come to conclusion that we're finally okay to live without them, through various kinds of defensive mechanism like detachment, we can finally get over with them (to a point that even remembering the past heartbreaking moments didn't feel hurtful anymore). Though to most people, they might seem us rather cold that way, though I thought it's quite justified end result.

  5. #35
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    It's as if this thread was made for me! I LOL'd at the thread title, because I thought "Seriously? Someone else has this problem(/blessing)?" I am surrounded by INFJs -- at home, among friends, and in the workplace -- and it cracks me up because I often find myself thinking that whoever said INFJs were one of the rarest types must have been very confused.
    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I think they are attracted to people who have a wide variety of skills/interests that they don't. I don't know an STP that doesn't collect skills like nobody's business.

    INFJs also are interested in figuring out what is beneath the surface of you. Because that isn't readily apparent with STPs, it makes them want to get to know you better.
    This has been my experience.

    Another reason I would add, is that INFJs are obsessors and worriers by nature, and they like to be around people who soothe their neuroses. I know that I do -- because I've been told by my ENFJ best friend that I exude certainty and confidence (probably due to Te dominance), and therefore can be a bit of a security blanket for my friends -- but I don't know if that's the case for you, being an ESFP.
    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    The last thing most people would perceive me as is some sort of drama queen, but I think where my intensity can shock is that a) they just didn't realise I cared so much, and b) I can lay down the law with great clarity and even harshness. "Your behaviour is unacceptable; I have endured your nonsense in x,y and z manner for x number of years and can do so no more;" and so on. From any feedback I've had, this can make me look pretty terrifying. (If the person actually has behaved badly and I have been kind of "wronged", that can bring it home to them quite effectively, I hear...) However, I wonder if it mainly looks like some kind of martinet/judge. They're less likely to know that I go off and cry and obsess privately - and the obsessing can be extremely prolonged, sometimes. (And there are also situations where I've just avoided and disappeared, as sometimes I feel that's all I can do.) As Fidelia mentioned, major closure is required to short-circuit the obsessing - and even then it may continue a little bit, though that should mostly take care of it. That aspect really depends on the situation.
    Speaking as someone who has seen this type of doorslam in action, and also experienced similar things from INFJs on a smaller scale, I'd say it's more frustrating than scary. I always end up wishing that the INFJ had told me sooner, because then I'd be able to fix the issue. The way the INFJ presents it, it's as if they -- and only they -- have made the decision as to whether things continue; "I have taken this long enough and therefore it is over. Deal with it." Which leaves me not just startled and hurt, but also resentful, because I have just been given a solution to a problem and then prevented from using the solution.
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  6. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    Another reason I would add, is that INFJs are obsessors and worriers by nature, and they like to be around people who soothe their neuroses. I know that I do -- because I've been told by my ENFJ best friend that I exude certainty and confidence (probably due to Te dominance), and therefore can be a bit of a security blanket for my friends -- but I don't know if that's the case for you, being an ESFP.
    They're always telling me that they admire my ambitiousness, determination, drive, focus, open-mindedness, intelligence, depth. (No LAWL'ing at the last two until you talk to me one-on-one. )

    I'm always being told that I exude confidence and certainty. That I charge through life in a straight line knowing exactly where I'm going.

    I attract an inordinate amount of ENTJs as well. It must be a Ni thing. @EJCC, in your case, it must be more of a case of opposites-attract admiration, given that you don't share a single function with INFJs.
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  7. #37
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mrcockburn View Post
    I'm always being told that I exude confidence and certainty. That I charge through life in a straight line knowing exactly where I'm going.
    Same. Though not "charging" in my case. I don't think you could ever say that an ESTJ "charges through life" quite like an ESFP. But that's a pretty significant shared trait -- one that does a lot to explain why INFJs love us so much.
    EJCC, in your case, it must be more of a case of opposites-attract admiration, given that you don't share a single function with INFJs.
    I dunno -- our J manifests itself pretty similarly. Neither of us are terribly adventurous or prone towards risk-taking. Our priorities (except the ones relating to interpersonal relationships) are pretty much the same. I think an ESTP would be the most different, despite the shared Si/Fe.

    But then again, I was raised by an INFJ, so I've stopped seeing them as mind-bogglingly different from me.
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  8. #38
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Orangeappled, Nebbykoo, etc: Maybe it is more a case of not needing as much outside input to resolve things as an INFJ might. But I am pretty sure that I've read comments by INFPs, and certainly ENFPs, suggesting that by using something like a "shift in perspective" they can move on, not at the drop of a hat, but without the neurotic fixating and obsessing that can go on for weeks, months or even years and which some of us INFJs are prone to.

    Based on my own experience of FPs, which is limited, I can't really comment. I've mentioned my friend here and there who I think is either INFP or a somewhat withdrawn ENFP, and she feels things with extreme intensity in the moment, but they don't seem to grieve or trouble her so much for extended periods of time. I think this has even caused problems between us sometimes because she'll make a very dramatic and sweeping statement about how she'll feel or how something is "always" or "forever", or a person is permanently out of her life - and I have tended to believe her - and a couple of weeks or months later they're back in her life, she's moved on to another boyfriend, or whatever.

    Sorry, kinda digressing here. And I don't mean to make judgments over NFPs or anyone, just that this has been my definite impression from some of what I've read on this forum.

    I'm also not particularly prone to making dramatic displays, though it has happened. Most people wouldn't know that I'm in emotional distress or having difficulty moving on; only if they ask me about it, or I'm desperate to vent to someone, or if you happen to be the person who caused me the emotional distress, and you approach me at the wrong time...

    Without harping on it too much, I'll just say that INFPs in general (can't speak for those fickle ENFPs + I always saw "perspective shifts" as N-dom territory) simply don't express things as openly. As you say, there may be an intense expression that bubbles up, & then nothing, but often there is still much below the surface. And yes, we can go into denial just to function, because when someone has hurt us, we don't want to give them that power, but in a way that makes the wound take much longer to heal. And yes, we tend to come to resolutions in our heads (probably more so than ENFPs, being Fi-dom), which causes problems when the relationship is not actually over, but still going.

    I suppose I've just had the opposite impression though, that when INFJs reach the final straw they cut the cord, slam the door, whatever you want to call it, and then they move on. NFPs have a tendency to allow things to re-open, to remain in limbo, to rehash the same feeling much later, and that means closure is tough to reach.
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  9. #39
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    ^I think it's true that when INFJs finally "move on", they really do...but it can take an extremely long time to get there, either in terms of tolerating too much in a bad situation/friendship/relationship, or in terms of still ruminating painfully over things especially if there's no closure and there are loose ends still. That certainly applies to me. In rare situations where there's been unfinished business, I've gone on having painful thoughts, dreams, etc for years at a time.

    Possibly when some INFJs get to the point of "doorslam" or whatever (not something I resort to unless I feel I MUST, very rare), they have already reached the point where they can do the "this person is dead to me" thing. In my case that's probably more like the point where I want them out of my life so I can start to heal up, but it doesn't necessarily mean everything is done and dusted...in more cases I'll probably be feeling bad about it for weeks, months or years.

    Hehe, I sound like I'm turning this into a "who gets over things slowest and obsesses about them the most, INFJs or INFPs?" contest. Sorry.
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