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  1. #21
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elfa View Post
    All I know is that I believe I'm a enneagram 4 and I don't see much of myself in the descriptions of the INFJs here...
    I could be wrong - you're best placed to tell us about yourself - but if you're INFP, I think that they have a somewhat easier time letting go than INFJs do. When an INFJ gets fixated, they can get SERIOUSLY fixated.

    I've read in a number of different threads here about FPs saying that if they want to get over something or someone, or whatever, they do a "shift of perspective" or they "just get over it" or something to that effect. That may not be universal, and of course it doesn't mean that INFPs don't also feel very intensely. But I suspect that moving on/letting go/not getting excessively fixated is probably somewhat easier for an FP than for an FJ.
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  2. #22
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I agree. INFPs tend to have to deal with their internal self, but it doesn't seem as dependent on outside input and further processing (ad nauseum) as it does with many INFJs. If it's resolved within themselves, they don't seem to need exchanges with the other person to put it at rest.

  3. #23
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    This is pretty damn accurate, I'm afraid.

    The weird thing about me, and possibly other INFJs...if I'm in a relationship with you, or intensely attracted to you (which, I should add in my case, only happens when I have gotten to know you fairly well, and only if I feel I am getting messages of attraction from you), my feelings are super-intense. However, I have that cool exterior which apparently doesn't look intense at all or else the intensity seems to be directed in other directions. And I tend to think that consciously or unconsciously I keep much of the intensity in check because I know that inside I'm kind of an obsessive stalker type, and I'd rather you didn't know that.
    I can super-relate to that. It's like I try hard to mask my feeling because it's just too overwhelming, to a point I worried if this could scare people away. I mean we all know in the dating arena that it's not a good sign to show too much interests orelse it'll be easy for us to be taken for granted. So the key is take it slowly with our own emotions. The problem is that's very difficult for INFJs to acheive as our loneliness haunted us for too long and when the chance comes, we just want to take our emotions to the fullest (it has to do with our over-protected self and reserved nature.)

    Silkroad's description really reflect my inner-struggle, or most INFJs, I believe.

  4. #24
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    (I think I say goodbye okay as long as I feel some sense of closure or understand what's going on. Otherwise, I can get a little fixated.)

    Amen to that. That's really important for us to move on. I really hate it when there are no clues for us why someone wanted to build a wall or try to establish a distance without know why.

  5. #25
    morose bourgeoisie
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I could be wrong - you're best placed to tell us about yourself - but if you're INFP, I think that they have a somewhat easier time letting go than INFJs do. When an INFJ gets fixated, they can get SERIOUSLY fixated.

    I've read in a number of different threads here about FPs saying that if they want to get over something or someone, or whatever, they do a "shift of perspective" or they "just get over it" or something to that effect. That may not be universal, and of course it doesn't mean that INFPs don't also feel very intensely. But I suspect that moving on/letting go/not getting excessively fixated is probably somewhat easier for an FP than for an FJ.
    oh, I disagree. I and the INFPs I know have a terrible time letting anything go. the deeper the emotion, the harder it is to uproot. If there is a trick to getting this done faster, let me know!

  6. #26
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    eh, most infjs are somewhat cautious when getting involved with someone else. this sounds more like an e2 move to me than the most common infj types, 4s and 9s, who don't seem like they're likely to be crying in a coffee shop bathroom about someone who hasn't even deeply connected with them. while on some level i can relate to violane's post, this disappointment in my own frustration at not getting what i want, a perfect ego-ideal, has never led to public emotional meltdowns. most sp and sx infjs i know are rather independent, and the so/sx ones are usually broadly connected enough that they rarely get excessively needy. Fs in general, however, always have higher relational needs, higher fuel and higher metabolism (which is different than extroversion's need for stimulation).

    also, 3w4s are the epitome of dramatic. their natural tendency (tho this isn't to say that some 3w4s don't deal with this tendency, get it in check, and become great people) is to control the story and manipulate it without openly accepting that they at all contributed to something that didn't work, wasn't accurate, or was more or less full of shit. sure, they're charismatic, sometimes quite witty, and extremely skilled at self-presentation. but it often becomes this obsessive trap that prevents them from being real to anyone, least of all themselves.

    for what it's worth, i've been involved with female 3w4 entps. it amazes me how mean-spirited they can be when at their worse when they reduce someone to something that is solely in their way and needlessly complicating their lives. whatever simplified story they feel attached to replaces the whole of reality, in turn distorting it around their own sense of personal entitlement. with them, however, the reward was still engaging and interesting enough to make it at least sometimes worth it.

    i haven't ever felt this way with estp 3w4s, however. the interest usually wanes rather quickly when you realize you will never be able to truly share anything of value or truly see each other. and for me, their projection of sexual power that creates interest (at a broad but culturally sophisticated scale, as it is intended) doesn't really lead to anything worth sustaining but other conquests, games, and empty lifeless images. and those don't really have a valuable place in my world, but for some occasional but uninspired, unintegrated shadowy cravings.

  7. #27
    Aquaria mrcockburn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    eh, most infjs are somewhat cautious when getting involved with someone else. this sounds more like an e2 move to me than the most common infj types, 4s and 9s, who don't seem like they're likely to be crying in a coffee shop bathroom about someone who hasn't even deeply connected with them. while on some level i can relate to violane's post, this disappointment in my own frustration at not getting what i want, a perfect ego-ideal, has never led to public emotional meltdowns. most sp and sx infjs i know are rather independent, and the so/sx ones are usually broadly connected enough that they rarely get excessively needy. Fs in general, however, always have higher relational needs, higher fuel and higher metabolism (which is different than extroversion's need for stimulation).

    also, 3w4s are the epitome of dramatic. their natural tendency (tho this isn't to say that some 3w4s don't deal with this tendency, get it in check, and become great people) is to control the story and manipulate it without openly accepting that they at all contributed to something that didn't work, wasn't accurate, or was more or less full of shit. sure, they're charismatic, sometimes quite witty, and extremely skilled at self-presentation. but it often becomes this obsessive trap that prevents them from being real to anyone, least of all themselves.

    for what it's worth, i've been involved with female 3w4 entps. it amazes me how mean-spirited they can be when at their worse when they reduce someone to something that is solely in their way and needlessly complicating their lives. whatever simplified story they feel attached to replaces the whole of reality, in turn distorting it around their own sense of personal entitlement. with them, however, the reward was still engaging and interesting enough to make it at least sometimes worth it.

    i haven't ever felt this way with estp 3w4s, however. the interest usually wanes rather quickly when you realize you will never be able to truly share anything of value or truly see each other. and for me, their projection of sexual power that creates interest (at a broad but culturally sophisticated scale, as it is intended) doesn't really lead to anything worth sustaining but other conquests, games, and empty lifeless images. and those don't really have a valuable place in my world, but for some occasional but uninspired, unintegrated shadowy cravings.
    But since I'm ESFP, I should be able to somewhat connect with INFJs, right?

    We actually did connect pretty well - my Ni always craves outlets, and that was great.

    I only ended things because he was so helpless, weak and physically inept, that it just turned me off. Weakness (and the fact that he always cried about it) is just something I'm not attracted to.

    This sounds bad, but I'm not about to cowardly use the vague "thngs just didn't work out" line.

    He was actually very shy, not possessive/jealous at all. A wee bit clingy, but easily controllable. Introverts are awesome at giving people space.

  8. #28
    Señora Member Elfa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I could be wrong - you're best placed to tell us about yourself - but if you're INFP, I think that they have a somewhat easier time letting go than INFJs do. When an INFJ gets fixated, they can get SERIOUSLY fixated.

    I've read in a number of different threads here about FPs saying that if they want to get over something or someone, or whatever, they do a "shift of perspective" or they "just get over it" or something to that effect. That may not be universal, and of course it doesn't mean that INFPs don't also feel very intensely. But I suspect that moving on/letting go/not getting excessively fixated is probably somewhat easier for an FP than for an FJ.
    I've only dated one person in my life, and that person is my boyfriend now, so I don't know exactly how I would react if our relationship ended... But I don't think I would act as intensely as the INFJs towards the other one.
    The only examples I can use is about a few friends and my father's girlfriend... I had a some friends that used to make part of my life, that I used to care a lot about, but eventually our relationship vanished... We were just like strangers to each other... The thing with my father's girlfriend was a little more complicated, but in the end, I just felt a lot hurt about some stuff, never said it to her, and started treating her as a stranger. Internally, I may take LOTS of time thinking about the person, thinking about what may have gone wrong, feeling intensely (as INFPs and INFJs say they feel), maybe crying a lot alone in my room - and no one would notice. I feel a lot all by myself, but I let the person go easily. I don't know if that's the best way of dealing with this stuff, but but that's just the way I've been doing it. I don't know if I would do that if I ended a love relationship, but I guess I just would let the person go, I wouldn't say a thing to him, and then cry lots in my room - maybe nowadays I would talk to someone about it. .-. It's somewhat like fidelia said, I deal with it myself, the other person has nothing to do with it. Haha.

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I agree. INFPs tend to have to deal with their internal self, but it doesn't seem as dependent on outside input and further processing (ad nauseum) as it does with many INFJs. If it's resolved within themselves, they don't seem to need exchanges with the other person to put it at rest.

  9. #29
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nebbykoo View Post
    oh, I disagree. I and the INFPs I know have a terrible time letting anything go. the deeper the emotion, the harder it is to uproot. If there is a trick to getting this done faster, let me know!
    I know...I was like "what?" when I read that .
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

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  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I agree. INFPs tend to have to deal with their internal self, but it doesn't seem as dependent on outside input and further processing (ad nauseum) as it does with many INFJs. If it's resolved within themselves, they don't seem to need exchanges with the other person to put it at rest.
    In regards to closure, it depends on how things play out. If I get blindsided then I turn into Fe Saturned who must understand what the heck just happened.

    In regards to us letting go easier. Its more along the lines of we hide it better. Such is the nature of Fi. It's part of why I try to take a break in between relationships. Make sure those small torches are snuffed out .

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