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  1. #1
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    Default NFP and their needs in romantic relations

    This is really directed at NFP's that are in, or have been in, long term relations with Introverts, though anyone is welcome to respond.

    I am having a really difficult time with an introvert. We can't seem to balance the amount of time together and alone to make eachother truly comfortable and happy. So much of the INFP profile resonates with me.. but this seems to be the one thing that doesn't match up. I NEED to spend quite a bit of time with my partner.. and I wonder.. INFP's: how much alone time do you generally need in long term pairings?

    ENFP's: How much alone time can you allow before you begin to feel disconnected or unloved?

    Like, maybe give me a general idea of what your time with your partners looks like on a daily basis.. and what you'd want it to be if it's not what your happy with?
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

  2. #2
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    Let me guess. One of these two:

    You want to show him off, he's resistant?
    He wants to do things apart. You want to do things together?

  3. #3
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    Dam, you edited.

    I got all excited to point out how wrong you were... but ya, the latter. =(
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

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    Quote Originally Posted by Huxley3112 View Post
    Dam, you edited.

    I got all excited to point out how wrong you were... but ya, the latter. =(
    Oh Huxley, what are we to do with your frivolous little avatar bobbing about.

    Well, its simples! You need to guarantee that there will explicitly be alone time in balance to together time.

    Huxley: Okay I would like to do this together with you for X hours then afterwards I'll let you chill out for X hours and do what you want.
    SO: Yussss.

    This gives the SO a guarantee that if they are feeling rushed, flustered, stressed or if they have something they would really like to sink their teeth into; whether you or not, they have the freedom to maintain their individual choice.

    The first problem is more complex.

  5. #5
    Junior Member Lamb's Avatar
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    Honestly, I cannot get enough time with the person I love. For me, "alone" time means I just enjoy being inside and playing on the computer or reading with my SO in close proximity. I do need time away from the crowds outside and loud friends, but I do not necessarily need to be physically alone. I can share a room all day with my SO and be quite content so long as he is not breathing down my shoulder as I go about my business. Luckily, he enjoys video games... A lot. So we can spend a good chunk of our day inside doing our own thing while also being close. He is an extrovert and loves to go out, so I accompany him on walks and dinner and visiting friends and such, but he knows my limits and kindly respects them.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lamb View Post
    Honestly, I cannot get enough time with the person I love. For me, "alone" time means I just enjoy being inside and playing on the computer or reading with my SO in close proximity. I do need time away from the crowds outside and loud friends, but I do not necessarily need to be physically alone. I can share a room all day with my SO and be quite content so long as he is not breathing down my shoulder as I go about my business. Luckily, he enjoys video games... A lot. So we can spend a good chunk of our day inside doing our own thing while also being close. He is an extrovert and loves to go out, so I accompany him on walks and dinner and visiting friends and such, but he knows my limits and kindly respects them.
    This is exactly how I feel. Except I like to get out of the house quite a bit too. Like, aside from cooking, cleaning, reading, etc.. do you find that you need to talk to your SO quite a bit?
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

  7. #7
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    I like frequent, quality contact, but short breaks are okay & even necessary. It depends on the where the relationship is at. When it's new, 1-2 times a week is fine. More than that might overwhelm me.

    But when it's serious, I like to see them 3-4 days a week. Maybe not the whole day, but for the greater part of the evening. Generally, I see my bf on the weekends and a day or two in the week sometimes. This is good for me. I don't mind a day or two without seeing each other, as this gives us time to take care of our individual responsibilities & have "alone" time; phone calls during this time are not necessary either.

    More than 2 days without some contact seems a bit much, even just a text is good to let them know you're thinking of them or something.

    My bf & I are also the kind who can just be around each other, just the two of us, & not talk, which as an introvert I prefer. I couldn't date someone who wanted to non-stop talk when we're together; that's when I might feel overwhelmed. For me, it's more that I need a part of the day alone, and maybe a whole day here & there. I also need interaction to not be "demanding".

    When it comes to extended breaks, more than a week or two apart is too much. Relationships/people are not static, and if you're not together, then you'll grow apart. The phone thing just doesn't work for me; it always takes a toll on the emotional connection, making a person indifferent or desperate & needy.

    It's funny how with friendships, time can go by & I feel we can often pick up where we left off, but not so with romance. I think it's the nature of the romantic relationship; that person is supposed to be a "partner", and part of what you're seeking from a long term relationship is stability.
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  8. #8
    Vaguely Precise Seymour's Avatar
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    I have to have time to myself, no matter how much I like someone. It's helpful that I'm more of a night owl than my partner, since that gives me some alone time before bed. If I don't get enough time to myself I eventually become very prickly and even mean—apparently in an unconscious attempt to push the other person away and create some space.

    It's like a part of my attention is allocated towards monitoring the emotional state of those around me, and that part needs to rest at times, too.

  9. #9
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    INFP's: how much alone time do you generally need in long term pairings

    Hmmm, not sure how I would be in a relationship now since I have changed a lot since my last long relationship with an introvert.

    Initially I enjoy spending a lot of time with a guy I am interested in, but I am ok if they need less time... so long as the time we do spend together is quality time. As we both settle into the relationship, I need much less time with him to keep me happy. I really enjoy getting to a point in a relationship where you can be in the same house/apartment together, but doing your own thing separately. A feeling of shared companionship but without needing to actually interact is huge. It could be achieved from both of us lounging on opposite ends of the couch while we read books, or it could be us on separate floors/rooms doing whatever it is we want to do.

    And there are some days/weekends/weeks where I want to be utterly and completely left alone, and it's better for both of us if I run off and hide in Fi-land for that duration. Conversely I have other moments where I am super cuddly and want to chat non stop and talk his ear off.

    I also find that if my guy is perfectly fine with me taking time to myself, I require less time away from him. If he is not fine... then I need more time away because I will be using some of that time away to melt my anger/frustration with him not letting me be me.

    In the end it's all a balance... No one is always going to sync up perfectly. I find it helpful that if one partner wants/needs more time with the other partner... and both are introverts... and the other partner kind of wants time to themselves... that you put a "cap" on the time together.

    Example: "Hey, I could really use a night spent with you this weekend. Friday or Saturday night works best for me. I really want to snuggle and watch a movie and be snuggled. I know you mentioned you wanted a day to yourself, so please choose a day you want to be left alone and I will honor that." etc.

    Kinda more formal than I intended... but I think you get what I mean. I know if my guy came at me with this kind of "request" for time spent together, I would be down for it. Especially if I was already feeling frazzled from a long week, I would feel like my needs are still going to be met, and I will meet his as well. Win-Win.

  10. #10
    Certified Sausage Smoker Elfboy's Avatar
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    I like more casual relationships (sorta like sleepovers that turn into sex lol) so I think I'd work well with an introvert. that being said, I prefer to be engaged rather than to engage. I'd rather be with a guy who would periodically pop up and tickle me or maybe throw a pillow at me when I'm in Fi detached mode for too long. I feel more loved when someone initiates me, though I am comfortable doing both
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