[INFP] NFP and their needs in romantic relations

[Santosha]

This is really directed at NFP's that are in, or have been in, long term relations with Introverts, though anyone is welcome to respond.

I am having a really difficult time with an introvert. We can't seem to balance the amount of time together and alone to make eachother truly comfortable and happy. So much of the INFP profile resonates with me.. but this seems to be the one thing that doesn't match up. I NEED to spend quite a bit of time with my partner.. and I wonder.. INFP's: how much alone time do you generally need in long term pairings?

ENFP's: How much alone time can you allow before you begin to feel disconnected or unloved?

Like, maybe give me a general idea of what your time with your partners looks like on a daily basis.. and what you'd want it to be if it's not what your happy with?

 

[InvisibleJim]

Let me guess. One of these two:

You want to show him off, he's resistant?
He wants to do things apart. You want to do things together?

 

[Santosha]

Dam, you edited.

I got all excited to point out how wrong you were... but ya, the latter. =(

 

[InvisibleJim]

Dam, you edited.

I got all excited to point out how wrong you were... but ya, the latter. =(

Oh Huxley, what are we to do with your frivolous little avatar bobbing about.

Well, its simples! You need to guarantee that there will explicitly be alone time in balance to together time.

Huxley: Okay I would like to do this together with you for X hours then afterwards I'll let you chill out for X hours and do what you want.
SO: Yussss.

This gives the SO a guarantee that if they are feeling rushed, flustered, stressed or if they have something they would really like to sink their teeth into; whether you or not, they have the freedom to maintain their individual choice.

The first problem is more complex.

 

[Lamb]

Honestly, I cannot get enough time with the person I love. For me, "alone" time means I just enjoy being inside and playing on the computer or reading with my SO in close proximity. I do need time away from the crowds outside and loud friends, but I do not necessarily need to be physically alone. I can share a room all day with my SO and be quite content so long as he is not breathing down my shoulder as I go about my business. Luckily, he enjoys video games... A lot. So we can spend a good chunk of our day inside doing our own thing while also being close. He is an extrovert and loves to go out, so I accompany him on walks and dinner and visiting friends and such, but he knows my limits and kindly respects them.

 

[Santosha]

Honestly, I cannot get enough time with the person I love. For me, "alone" time means I just enjoy being inside and playing on the computer or reading with my SO in close proximity. I do need time away from the crowds outside and loud friends, but I do not necessarily need to be physically alone. I can share a room all day with my SO and be quite content so long as he is not breathing down my shoulder as I go about my business. Luckily, he enjoys video games... A lot. So we can spend a good chunk of our day inside doing our own thing while also being close. He is an extrovert and loves to go out, so I accompany him on walks and dinner and visiting friends and such, but he knows my limits and kindly respects them.

This is exactly how I feel. Except I like to get out of the house quite a bit too. Like, aside from cooking, cleaning, reading, etc.. do you find that you need to talk to your SO quite a bit?

 

[OrangeAppled]

I like frequent, quality contact, but short breaks are okay & even necessary. It depends on the where the relationship is at. When it's new, 1-2 times a week is fine. More than that might overwhelm me.

But when it's serious, I like to see them 3-4 days a week. Maybe not the whole day, but for the greater part of the evening. Generally, I see my bf on the weekends and a day or two in the week sometimes. This is good for me. I don't mind a day or two without seeing each other, as this gives us time to take care of our individual responsibilities & have "alone" time; phone calls during this time are not necessary either.

More than 2 days without some contact seems a bit much, even just a text is good to let them know you're thinking of them or something.

My bf & I are also the kind who can just be around each other, just the two of us, & not talk, which as an introvert I prefer. I couldn't date someone who wanted to non-stop talk when we're together; that's when I might feel overwhelmed. For me, it's more that I need a part of the day alone, and maybe a whole day here & there. I also need interaction to not be "demanding".

When it comes to extended breaks, more than a week or two apart is too much. Relationships/people are not static, and if you're not together, then you'll grow apart. The phone thing just doesn't work for me; it always takes a toll on the emotional connection, making a person indifferent or desperate & needy.

It's funny how with friendships, time can go by & I feel we can often pick up where we left off, but not so with romance. I think it's the nature of the romantic relationship; that person is supposed to be a "partner", and part of what you're seeking from a long term relationship is stability.

 

[Seymour]

I have to have time to myself, no matter how much I like someone. It's helpful that I'm more of a night owl than my partner, since that gives me some alone time before bed. If I don't get enough time to myself I eventually become very prickly and even mean—apparently in an unconscious attempt to push the other person away and create some space.

It's like a part of my attention is allocated towards monitoring the emotional state of those around me, and that part needs to rest at times, too.

 

[Anew Leaf]

INFP's: how much alone time do you generally need in long term pairings

Hmmm, not sure how I would be in a relationship now since I have changed a lot since my last long relationship with an introvert.

Initially I enjoy spending a lot of time with a guy I am interested in, but I am ok if they need less time... so long as the time we do spend together is quality time. As we both settle into the relationship, I need much less time with him to keep me happy. I really enjoy getting to a point in a relationship where you can be in the same house/apartment together, but doing your own thing separately. A feeling of shared companionship but without needing to actually interact is huge. It could be achieved from both of us lounging on opposite ends of the couch while we read books, or it could be us on separate floors/rooms doing whatever it is we want to do.

And there are some days/weekends/weeks where I want to be utterly and completely left alone, and it's better for both of us if I run off and hide in Fi-land for that duration. Conversely I have other moments where I am super cuddly and want to chat non stop and talk his ear off.

I also find that if my guy is perfectly fine with me taking time to myself, I require less time away from him. If he is not fine... then I need more time away because I will be using some of that time away to melt my anger/frustration with him not letting me be me.

In the end it's all a balance... No one is always going to sync up perfectly. I find it helpful that if one partner wants/needs more time with the other partner... and both are introverts... and the other partner kind of wants time to themselves... that you put a "cap" on the time together.

Example: "Hey, I could really use a night spent with you this weekend. Friday or Saturday night works best for me. I really want to snuggle and watch a movie and be snuggled. I know you mentioned you wanted a day to yourself, so please choose a day you want to be left alone and I will honor that." etc.

Kinda more formal than I intended... but I think you get what I mean. I know if my guy came at me with this kind of "request" for time spent together, I would be down for it. Especially if I was already feeling frazzled from a long week, I would feel like my needs are still going to be met, and I will meet his as well. Win-Win.

 

[Elfboy]

I like more casual relationships (sorta like sleepovers that turn into sex lol) so I think I'd work well with an introvert. that being said, I prefer to be engaged rather than to engage. I'd rather be with a guy who would periodically pop up and tickle me or maybe throw a pillow at me when I'm in Fi detached mode for too long. I feel more loved when someone initiates me, though I am comfortable doing both

 

[CrystalViolet]

I like to have some sort of contact every day, not in the early stages though, because I need time to get used to the idea of the relationship. What I mean by every day, though is a text, or an e-mail, not necessarily full contact. I openly admit I'm quite insecure, so I need a little reassurance, but a small gesture of acknowledgment is all I need, in between seeing them. I've grown past the needing to spend every moment of every day stage, so I need time too. I'm also quite conscious to maintain boundaries, as it is very easy to lose myself in a relationship.

 

[mmhmm]

ENFP's: How much alone time can you allow before you begin to feel disconnected or unloved?

i always want more. i'm very, very... smothery.
the key is not letting the physical absence be
the determining factor--like i never feel i can't
talk to him because nothing leads me to believe
that we're disconnected or that i'm unwanted in
any way when we do hangout. so alone time,
doesn't make me feel disconnected.

plus we both enjoy the anticipation part, in different
ways, but i love the way it builds, how the cravings
for touch, for intimacy, layer on until we get to hang
again--and then...poh! i just burst into confetti.

 

[Rebe]

For the past almost two months, I have been with my bf almost every day. It's easy because we just sit around with a group of laid-back people, drink some beer, bull shit around so it doesn't wear me out. I can be with them talking for five, seven hours and it's all fine. For me, I get worn out when I feel that I need to watch myself, need to behave a certain way, if I feel like I have to impress this person or act differently than who I naturally am.

If I can be completely myself without any sort of pressure, I can spend a large amount of time socializing. But the moment I feel uncomfortable in a group, I can get worn out in just thirty minutes. I am very sociable but only with a specific group of people or person. With my current bf, I don't feel like there is any pressure for me to be someone else. I don't feel that I have to watch what I say or what I do so I can spend a lot of time with him just doing whatever. I do love to socialize and interact with people, share laughs, wonders, conflicts and knowledge. It's just very hard to do with most people.

I am ... needy ... in relationships. Even with friends, I have to talk to someone every day. With my BF, I need messages, texts, phone calls when we are not hanging out. It's mostly because I'm on "summer vacation" and aside from work, I have nothing else going on. I'm not back in college yet and all my friends are in different states. If I have other things to do, I wouldn't need as much contact, but still a good amount. I'd say for me to be happy, I need to talk with the bf at least every two days, unless he is particularly busy with something. And I'd need to see him at least four or five times a week for several hours. That's what a relationship is, quality time. Otherwise I would just have coffee with co-workers. I like to bond quite fast and not linger in the beginning stages of awkward-ness.

 

[Elfboy]

I need someone who
- adventurous who is willing to tag along with me, or better yet take me on some of his too
- comforting and relaxing to be around
- I can talk to for hours on end and not get bored
- cares about their appearance and desires to stay sexy
- most importantly, someone who loves to snuggle

 

[Elfboy]

i always want more. i'm very, very... smothery.
the key is not letting the physical absence be
the determining factor--like i never feel i can't
talk to him because nothing leads me to believe
that we're disconnected or that i'm unwanted in
any way when we do hangout. so alone time,
doesn't make me feel disconnected.

plus we both enjoy the anticipation part, in different
ways, but i love the way it builds, how the cravings
for touch, for intimacy, layer on until we get to hang
again--and then...poh! i just burst into confetti.

healthy female 8s are like lionesses. they have high sex drives and crave lots of sexual activity and intimacy. ironically, most men can't handle them or think that they will be less sexual than a more girly partner, but the opposite is the case

 

[skylights]

the key is not letting the physical absence be
the determining factor--like i never feel i can't
talk to him because nothing leads me to believe
that we're disconnected or that i'm unwanted in
any way when we do hangout. so alone time,
doesn't make me feel disconnected.

plus we both enjoy the anticipation part, in different
ways, but i love the way it builds, how the cravings
for touch, for intimacy, layer on until we get to hang
again--and then...poh! i just burst into confetti.

yeah... this. what a cute emoticon

when i know i'm totally supported then alone time is fine because i still feel like they're with me wherever i am. and the space just ignites the fire more and more... all the thoughts and feelings and needs and wants add up.

that said... i've never felt smothered before. not when i really liked someone. so i have no idea what my upper limit is. usually i just adjust to their need for space.

 

[Hopelandic]

I need a lot of space to breathe. Mainly when I'm going through an introverted phase where I drop off the face of the planet. At this time in particular, smothering and demanding my attention will promote me laying down my boundaries staunchly. At other times, I seem to be more lenient with very specific people (usually only a SO or a child) and allow them my space and time even though I might need to recover.