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  1. #1
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    Default How do ENFJs act when they don't like you, but still want to be polite?

    How do ENFJ's and ENFP's act when they don't like you, but still want to be polite?

    Are they still going to pour on the charm, even if they don't like you as a person?

    How in the world can you tell if they truly like you as a person or not?

    I really like ENFJ's and ENFP's, but I always feel really insecure around them because I never know if they really like me or if they are just being nice.

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    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    Also, do you think either an ENFJ or ENFP would respond well to just being asked? For instance, if I asked them how good of a friend I am, or if I am just an aquaintence, would that be too weird, would they lie, or would they answer honestly?

  3. #3
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    There are a few ways it goes down for me.
    I may seem to disconnect from the conversation and become agreeable in a humdrum way, so as to avoid conflict. I'm not as passionate about interacting with the person, and I'll avoid contacting them first or frequently a good amount of the time unless there is an express purpose behind doing so. I don't really express my opinions because I don't feel comfortable doing so.

    I may be even more charming and bubbly so as to not let on that there is issue. Those who know me well enough will tend to see through it, but it is walking on eggshells and it is an uncomfortable strain. It loses that real feeling. Apparently it is convincing as all hell though, but it drives me mental. Fe

    My INTJ has mentioned this as of late. I told him that ENFJs are social butterflies and we will cycle through groups of people at a time, but if we come back to you frequently and inquire about you after cycling through.. there are decent odds that you aren't part of the throw-aways that we are assessing the importance of. This is not to say we don't view those people as valuable, but we like to find those who resonate with us and will go into mission mode to find them, but then lose track during the sorting process before remembering who out of our previous interactions was of importance and is missed.
    I would say assess if we're being generic or personalized in our interactions with you. Try to see if we are just throwing some base-line Fe in your direction to appease, or if we are really inquiring to develop something more than surface ground. Observe who we gravitate toward in social situations, as we can be fully capable of fending for ourselves with a multitude of people, but we may choose to focus more so on those we like.
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  4. #4
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lily flower View Post
    Also, do you think either an ENFJ or ENFP would respond well to just being asked? For instance, if I asked them how good of a friend I am, or if I am just an aquaintence, would that be too weird, would they lie, or would they answer honestly?
    I feel as though ENFJ would attempt to keep more of a gentle response due to our social graces and tact, but if we truly value who you are as a person we may be inclined to delve into why. Watch out for that one, because it's always a tell-tale sign when I end up going into it.
    ENFP may be more inclined to give an honest answer, but ENFP values are also more open-ended in regard to people. Their honest answer may be overshadowed by the fact that they are 'throw it to the wind' sorts in ways.
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  5. #5
    Probably Most Brilliant Craft's Avatar
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    They would probably try to manipulate your emotions negatively but they'll do it in a superficially nice way. At least, that's what this "friend" of mine tried to do.

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    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    I'm thinking of 2 specific people right now, although there have been more in the past.

    The ENFJ says stuff like, "We will be friends forever," "We click so well together," "You are really special to me," touches and hugs a lot and uses a lot of great body language that would indicate a really close friend, but then never calls or initiates getting together. I'm the one who has to do the contact, but then he always acts so delighted that I did. We were at the same event once and the ENFJ talked to absolutely everyone but me, and then when he saw me later he said something along the lines of "Didn't we have such a great time together today?" What? I don't get that at all.

    The ENFP does invite me to stuff. We have a really great time together & also talk about personal stuff a lot, like I would with a close friend. She will also call just to talk and for no particular reason. But she seems to have so many friends that I don't know if I'm just one of many or if she actually thinks of me as a close friend. Do ENFP's talk about personal stuff with everyone?

  7. #7
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    My sister usually seems tense when she doesn't like someone, like her vibe changes. She's a very "open" sort of person, but she has a frosty judgmental side, she's a human being, and she will pride herself on being restrained and remaining polite and speaking reasonably and she has this thing about not raising her voice, but her vibe is not as warm. It is polite but cold.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    I told him that ENFJs are social butterflies and we will cycle through groups of people at a time, but if we come back to you frequently and inquire about you after cycling through.. there are decent odds that you aren't part of the throw-aways that we are assessing the importance of. This is not to say we don't view those people as valuable, but we like to find those who resonate with us and will go into mission mode to find them, but then lose track during the sorting process before remembering who out of our previous interactions was of importance and is missed.
    I think this is also very true of my ENFJ bff from high school and my sister.

  9. #9
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Interesting that it's the ENFP that asks you to things and the ENFJ that doesn't
    I think the stereotype is the other way 'round.

    For me, it's when I start sharing things with you in private that are unprocessed. Things that are a big deal to me (and not when I'm having a meltdown and you just happeend to be near). Things that I fear I might be judged on. That's when I actually make the transition to actual 'friend'. I may not agree with you on everything, and I may piss you off on more than one occasion, but the fact that I share my vulnerable side with you means I trust you.
    An indication I'm fond of you and might be scoping out if I can trust you with that side of me, is that I keep coming back to you, over regular periods of time, to check up on you and talk to you, and not just coz I happen to run into you frequently. I actually seek you out. Typically, I also very much appreciate people who are comfortable enough with me (and I with them) to just enjoy each others presence, without saying anything. Without there being an expectation to 'perform' and be on stage.
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  10. #10
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    I have an ENFJ friend that I've wondered the same things about. For a long time, they never invited me to anything. We saw eachother frequently because we have mutual friends that do the planning, or I would invite sometimes, but the ENFJ never did. I take that back, a couple of times they initiated planning to help me do something, but not just social activities.
    They would always keep in contact with me, so I know they weren't avoiding me, but never made plans to get together. Finally, after a period of time where no one made plans to do anything, they did initiate and start inviting although sheepishly.
    Maybe it's because there's no need to plan if someone else is already doing it? Or maybe it's a fear of being turned down if they're not a very secure ENFJ?

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