[ENFJ] Can ENFJ's be super charming and also clueless at the same time?

[Lily flower]

I have an ENFJ friend who seems to be able to charm anyone. The way people swoon over him is just disgusting sometimes (although I admit that I am jealous of his skills). This is true for both men and women. The men admire and follow him. The women look besotted.

But the strange thing is, he seems clueless in many ways when it comes to understanding people. When people get mad at him, he looks mystified and just pours on more charm. If he were a boss and someone quit and told him everything they hated about him, he would turn around and just hire someone else and not give a moment's thought to the spew of complaints against him.

So how can someone who is so good with people be so bad with people? Does this make sense?

 

[chickpea]

my enfj friend is very much like this. she's very sweet and kind towards everyone, guys love her, nobody has anything mean to say about her. but she'll be completely oblivious when a guy is hitting on her and thinks they're just being nice or trying to be friends. and is just more awkward with guys than i'd expect her to be. maybe it's just being sheltered and naive and not expecting people's motives.

when i went into this thread i thought you meant clueless in general and was going to say how she had a very, very hard time understanding that's what she said jokes. "who is she???"

 

[Lily flower]

when i went into this thread i thought you meant clueless in general and was going to say how she had a very, very hard time understanding that's what she said jokes. "who is she???"

That's really funny. I'll have to try that on him some time and see if he gets it.

 

[uncommonentity]

ENFJ's have teddy bear syndrome. What I mean by that is they put on an invisible teddy bear suit that allows them to do whatever the hell they want because damn who's going to question a teddy bear? They so fluffy, they so loving, they so cute and so on. It's sort of like an automatic defense mechanism they apply before they walk out of their door. When they get caught out they crap themselves and scream 'I'm not human, I'm a teddy bear' and quite alot of people fall for it and actually feel quite guilty for thinking so badly about a teddy bear. They're the king and queens of emotional guilt trips. They're absolutely beautiful.

 

[Sparrow]

ENFJ's have teddy bear syndrome. What I mean by that is they put on an invisible teddy bear suit that allows them to do whatever the hell they want because damn who's going to question a teddy bear? They so fluffy, they so loving, they so cute and so on. It's sort of like an automatic defense mechanism they apply before they walk out of their door. When they get caught out they crap themselves and scream 'I'm not human, I'm a teddy bear' and quite alot of people fall for it and actually feel quite guilty for thinking so badly about a teddy bear. They're the king and queens of emotional guilt trips. They're absolutely beautiful.

 

[Sparrow]

I have an ENFJ friend who seems to be able to charm anyone. The way people swoon over him is just disgusting sometimes (although I admit that I am jealous of his skills). This is true for both men and women. The men admire and follow him. The women look besotted.

But the strange thing is, he seems clueless in many ways when it comes to understanding people. When people get mad at him, he looks mystified and just pours on more charm. If he were a boss and someone quit and told him everything they hated about him, he would turn around and just hire someone else and not give a moment's thought to the spew of complaints against him.

So how can someone who is so good with people be so bad with people? Does this make sense?

If I was a boss and had an irate employee quitting on me, and talking mad shit, it would go one of three ways (depending on who it is and the situation):

a. I would try to work it out with them, you know ENFJ's are good at at least trying to create harmony and peace .

b. I might lose my cool...and get all diva with it! (More like devil bitch monster with it....)

c. Try to hold my composure by holding in the tears....and then when they finally leave bust out with full on tears.

I don't think I am clueless! Sure I can be really nice to people, if someone gets the wrong idea, I am honest and let it be known that I am not interested in them like that. We always get accused of flirting when its just us being nice dangit!

 

[Amargith]

It's possible for any person to work out only 'part' of how people skills work. If you happen to luck into finding out how charming people works, and you focus on/specialize in that coz it gets you what you want = reward..then why would you bother actually deepening your understanding of people? It already works! Unless you also feel the penalizing jab of rejection when people tell you they don't like you, and you ask yourself how you can resolve that. HIs solution is pour on more charm as that's always worked for him, and he seems to be uncomfortable learning something new as what he knows works so well..there's not really a reason for him to move beyond it (aside from the fact that it's probably stunting his personal growth). Other ENFJs might discover the 'charm' function of Fe later in life and start off with the social etiquette part of it, and insist on rigid structure (almost unhealthy ESFJ like) to get their way and insist on others paying their 'dues', and some will actually ask themselves why people do what they do and conclude that social etiquette is a handy tool in that, and charm works as a smoothing over tool when reality doesn't live up to the theory. It's all a matter of what was rewarded and stimulated as they progressed in life.

 

[Lily flower]

It's possible for any person to work out only 'part' of how people skills work.

This is a real eye opener to me. I think I have always thought of people at being either good or bad (on a spectrum) at people skills.

This gives me hope. I have always felt like I was leaning toward the bad end of the spectrum, but I can see now that I am probably very good in some areas and bad in others. I'm a good listener/confidant, but horrible at the charming thing.

 

[Amargith]

Hon, you're NF. All you need to do is put aside that humility and let that charm flow out into the world

Have fun with it, experiment with it and don't expect it to be flawless..it's like any skill out there. The downside if you fail is that you sometimes end up looking arrogant and incompetent..but that's the case with most things you need to learn anyways.

Try it. You'll love it, and so will the rest of the world

 

[INTPness]

ENFJ's have teddy bear syndrome. What I mean by that is they put on an invisible teddy bear suit that allows them to do whatever the hell they want because damn who's going to question a teddy bear? They so fluffy, they so loving, they so cute and so on. It's sort of like an automatic defense mechanism they apply before they walk out of their door. When they get caught out they crap themselves and scream 'I'm not human, I'm a teddy bear' and quite alot of people fall for it and actually feel quite guilty for thinking so badly about a teddy bear. They're the king and queens of emotional guilt trips. They're absolutely beautiful.

Haha. Spot on.

 

[Unkindloving]

I'm more of a man-charmer than I am a lady-charmer, which may be why many of my longterm friendships with females have gone sour. The charming can be inherent, but I'll open up more to the men I know to actively maintain it.
I tend to have a good read on people. The only time I question it in relation to myself is because I want a bit of a 'second opinion' or clarity from the actual situation. ENFJs, being bad at turning the focus on themselves, need to learn to take time out and assess external situations in relation to themselves. We need to pick it apart when reflecting to see what resonates with us, but we are bad at it. A good reason that its necessary is to better determine where we stand in conflict, and what we can better fix of ourselves and our interactions to better benefit our drive for external focus.
Are the ENFJs mentioned in the thread bad at dealing with people in situations that are not directly related to them?

I tend to feel as though we are very limelight and behind the curtain at the same time. One side can definitely forget how apparent the other side may be, causing a conflict when we come into the focus of others.

ENFJ's have teddy bear syndrome. What I mean by that is they put on an invisible teddy bear suit that allows them to do whatever the hell they want because damn who's going to question a teddy bear? They so fluffy, they so loving, they so cute and so on. It's sort of like an automatic defense mechanism they apply before they walk out of their door. When they get caught out they crap themselves and scream 'I'm not human, I'm a teddy bear' and quite alot of people fall for it and actually feel quite guilty for thinking so badly about a teddy bear. They're the king and queens of emotional guilt trips. They're absolutely beautiful.

From what you observe, do I do the teddy bear? I mean, I'm sure I do, but my use of it feels less squishy and frequent than what you've mentioned. I tend to feel like I show more of the side that isn't compassionate, but definitely become confused when people flee from not seeing the inner-fluff that I don't want to suffocate them or myself with. Also a bit skewed since you don't handle me face-to-face daily basis, but you know I value your long-term opinion

 

[Glycerine]

I agree with Vaia Faye.I would consider myself mediocre on charm and and above average on "reading people". I am usually suspicious of super charming people. It's like being given a really delicious fried food meal but after you digest it, there remains a coat of grease down your throat. It makes you feel good but you don't know what exactly hit you. Well, pertaining to charm used for an end purpose.