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Thread: INFJ and sorrow

  1. #1
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    Default INFJ and sorrow

    Hi,

    I am an INTj guy (30 years old) and I had a very interesting mail exchange with a girl on a web-dating site. The girl is most probably INFJ. After three weeks of very deep NT/NF-style discussion, the next thing we were supposed to do was to agree about a live date. She was supposed to have extremely busy ten days of studying after which we were to meet.

    However, after the study project, she left me a message with endless apologies for what she was going to do... She told me that someone close to her (not family member but close to family) had died and she needed time. Therefore, she would back off "for now". Reading between her lines, it was rather easy to get impression that she wasn't saying good by. I could rather imagine that she wanted give me a fair chance to go should I want to.

    So, when it comes to my world of thoughts, I dare to say that I can relate thoughts of INFJ quite well. Simply put, my T is not too strong and I can imagine what it might be to consider feelings the way I consider information. Believe me or not, but I think I have a clue.

    Based on our intensive mailing, I have absolutely no reason to doubt her. Off course, you never know, but I have no reason to question her honesty and sincerety in this.

    My question to any INFJs here: Assuming she is what she claims to be, what could be a reasonable grieving time in case like this? In what time should I draw conclusion that she is not coming back?

    It's been 7 weeks now since she wrote me last time and due to the online dating site we use, I have no way even to write to her before she makes initiative to return.

    Any thoughts would by highly appreciated...
    Last edited by gandalf; 07-04-2011 at 05:26 PM. Reason: fixed typos

  2. #2
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    My advice would be just give up on her.

    I'd done similar thing in the past (when I was in High School). Back then, I was romantically involved with a guy (had a year relationship, yeah I know this sound insane). We did endless online chat, web cam, phone but until the day I'm supposed to meet up with him (he lives few hundred miles away from me, across the boder), I just suddenly had a panic attack and thought the stress of having a real commitment seems too overwhelming for me (I was 17 back then). In between, I suddenly had cast many doubts not toward him, but toward myself.

    I did arrive in the place where we're supposed to meet up, but was within a great distance. I saw him unpatiencely checking his watch and I really did have an urge to meet him, but I backed down.

    That's the only online relationship I've ever had, and eventually I did find a boyfriend in school. Though uptill this date I still felt sorry for him, I suppose it has to do with maturity (he was 4 years older back then).

    I'm sorry to hear this as I would like to think her actions weren't intentional, though just wanted to share it did happen to me as well.

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    Thanks for your answer which in it's insightfulness actually suggests that I am asking totally wrong a question!

    There is one refinement I want to make just for the case it mattered... The girl sent her latest message at mid-May and, to be literal, instead of saying good by, she wished me good "beginning of summer" and the period of time she was supposed to be away was "at least for a while". I am just mentioning this because those expressions sound as if she is not acting unconsciously. I mean, she would truly be lying to me if this was about panicing. I wonder if I am making any sense...

    Would that bit of information affect your suggestion in any direction?

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    Quote Originally Posted by gandalf View Post
    Thanks for your answer which in it's insightfulness actually suggests that I am asking totally wrong a question!

    There is one refinement I want to make just for the case it mattered... The girl sent her latest message at mid-May and, to be literal, instead of saying good by, she wished me good "beginning of summer" and the period of time she was supposed to be away was "at least for a while". I am just mentioning this because those expressions sound as if she is not acting unconsciously. I mean, she would truly be lying to me if this was about panicing. I wonder if I am making any sense...

    Would that bit of information affect your suggestion in any direction?

    It's really difficult for me to put in a concrete conclusion based on the limited background information you had provided. And that fact that she might not be 100% INFJ (since this is just based on your assumption) makes this case even more difficult to depict.

    Though one common trait for INJFs which I've been noticing is that (and I could be wrong because I wouldn't consider myself as MBTI expert), when we really feel there's a need of space, or detachment, that period can last quite long, not just in terms of a few days. Perhaps there are things which she wanted to prioritize first before keeping in touch with you?

    Sorry that I got totally misinterpreted, and I would just recommend that you can still write her an Email just to show that you still care about her? However, you should write it in a way that she knows your purpose is not an attempt to keep back in track with you, but to show her that you appreciate the deep bond of connection between the two of you.

    I think that might help as I think most INFJs still crave on human connections even if they felt like to detach from others momentarily.

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    Quote Originally Posted by gandalf View Post
    My question to any INFJs here: Assuming she is what she claims to be, what could be a reasonable grieving time in case like this? In what time should I draw conclusion that she is not coming back?

    It's been 7 weeks now since she wrote me last time and due to the online dating site we use, I have no way even to write to her before she makes initiative to return.

    Any thoughts would by highly appreciated...
    As for 'reasonable grieving time', I don't think any of us could really know.

    Based on what you said, like you, I don't have any reason to think she meant to close things off forever. Prior to the death of the close friend, she was busy, and probably stressed, but was going to meet you and things were going well, but the death probably pushed her over the edge and she realized she needed time to sort through eveything and wasn't prepared for starting a relationship until she sorted through everything. I doubt she intended to cut you off forever; timing just threw a wrench in things.

    But, since you say you have no ability to send an email/initiate contact, I'm not sure what you could actually DO? Which is a shame, because if you could actually email her, I'd definitely suggest to just send her a quick note to check in and see how she's doing, and that you were thinking of her, which might pull her out of her head.

    But if you can't do that... ?? Then honestly I'd just suggest trying to meet other people, and then if in the future she happens to re-initiate, you can go from there.

    I really doubt she was lying to you though. Life happened, she was stressed and there was a death, she needed time, and by this point she may feel silly contacting you again after this much time.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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    Obviously this is a huge leap because I don't know her or you really, but I'd say more than 4 weeks means she's moved on for whatever reason. Maybe she didn't plan to, maybe she was determined to come back --who knows? But after 7 weeks, life's current has probably carried her away for one reason or another. I don't suggest waiting, but the reality is if you want to wait, you're going to wait eh? Best of luck to you.
    "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by gandalf View Post
    Hi,

    I am an INTj guy (30 years old) and I had a very interesting mail exchange with a girl on a web-dating site. The girl is most probably INFJ. After three weeks of very deep NT/NF-style discussion, the next thing we were supposed to do was to agree about a live date. She was supposed to have extremely busy ten days of studying after which we were to meet.

    However, after the study project, she left me a message with endless apologies for what she was going to do... She told me that someone close to her (not family member but close to family) had died and she needed time. Therefore, she would back off "for now". Reading between her lines, it was rather easy to get impression that she wasn't saying good by. I could rather imagine that she wanted give me a fair chance to go should I want to.

    So, when it comes to my world of thoughts, I dare to say that I can relate thoughts of INFJ quite well. Simply put, my T is not too strong and I can imagine what it might be to consider feelings the way I consider information. Believe me or not, but I think I have a clue.

    Based on our intensive mailing, I have absolutely no reason to doubt her. Off course, you never know, but I have no reason to question her honesty and sincerety in this.

    My question to any INFJs here: Assuming she is what she claims to be, what could be a reasonable grieving time in case like this? In what time should I draw conclusion that she is not coming back?

    It's been 7 weeks now since she wrote me last time and due to the online dating site we use, I have no way even to write to her before she makes initiative to return.

    Any thoughts would by highly appreciated...
    I suggest moving on as well. I don't think she meant any harm to you, but circumstances have changed for her and she isn't able to currently pursue anything with you now.

    It is unfortunate that you can't contact her yourself to just "say hi".

    I would hate to see you put your dating life on hold because of this. If she does contact you in the future, you can decide then what to do going forward. For now, I suggest pursuing someone else that you "meet" on your dating site.

    Good luck! You sound like a nice, thoughtful guy. I am sure there will be someone special who will appreciate you!

  8. #8
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    Thanks for everyone for sharing your thoughts!

    I definitely would have contacted her already but it's not email but the web page system we used for messaging. We hadn't revealed any contact information before this "incident" happened and thus, I have absolutely no way to contact her (not even sending a message hoping she would read it) unless she actively "calls" me to. She inactivated her profile immediately, giving me no chance to answer. That was rude but I kind of understand her assumed need totally push me away for a while. I wouldn't blame her for that. The only thing I know is that her profile still exists - she didn't delete it but she is not reachable by anyone - so she could return after all.

    Perhaps the only reason that is still giving me hope regarding her is that she told me earlier that she would move to a new apartment in beginning of July. She also told me that the new apartment would be a dream-come-true for her. Based on what I have read about INFJs, I wouldn't be surprised if moving had extend her time for a week or so. Or perhaps I am just day-dreaming...

    I do have studied the MBTI to some extent, as a hobby. I know it well enough to give a student organization sessions about it but I am definitely not an expert either. Nevertheless, what she wrote me (and she wrote a lot) makes me quite confident of my suspection that she is rather clear INFJ (not extreme though)...

    And why am I unwilling to let go of her then... Well, the connection of thoughts we had was something totally new to me. It would be very unlikely to meet someone else even close to her in that sense, and if I go on trying someone else, I might miss her attempt to get back in business. Well, I guess that's what life is...
    Last edited by gandalf; 07-05-2011 at 02:58 PM. Reason: fixed typos

  9. #9
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    For some reasons, based on your posts, I really felt you seem to be closer to INTP or INFP to me...

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    That's very interesting a notion

    Most tests on the internet (I have taken many and multiple times) claim me to be around 66 % INT and my J-P to be just slightly on J side. I contemplate and self-reflect a lot, probably a lot more than an average INTJ. Also, when reading variuos MBTI descriptions (not taking tests but just reading), I usually find myself equally strong J and P. All that said, I actually take your comment as a compliment

    About being F, then...Once again, when reading INTJ stuff, I totally understand what they are about and can very much relate to them. I think INTJ is what I most profoundly am. But then again, often I can't help being a bit annoyed by that certain arrogance that I think is often somewhat exaggerated in that context. I often find myself emphatizing possible F-readers.

    As far as I know, the MBTI is about preferences only. It says how you are likely to act or think but it gives no opinion of whether you are any good at doing that. The stronger the preference, the more you use the preferred option, and the less you use the other, the less you let it develop. You may, however, in certain conditions or when you grow older, learn to use "the other side" as well, even if it is weak compared to the preference. So, as a conclusion, I do wonder if I actually am an INTx with my feeling side somewhat affected to develop "exceptionally" by the environment in which I have grown up. I really don't know, but I am not surprised by your comment.

    As I said, the INTJ side of me is still strong. I can be very decisive, I just end up being the leader in many hobby-related situations even though I am not actively nor intentionally after such positions, I can say things that I know will hurt people with no regret or uncertainty in my voice or on my face when I think I have a good reason to do so (critique, as INTJs call it), I may temporarily appear very extroverted when the situation calls it even though I definitely am quite strongly introverted, etc.

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