They say that an INFJ's most desperate wish is for someone to understand them to the core, and accept them for it.
What do you do when you have that...And then they leave you?
That is where I feel I am headed now. I really feel like I need to vent this since even my dearest friends (all E's and S's) don't seem to understand this, except by beloved who I haven't told. I thank you in advance for giving me a place to do this, even if no one wants to read it (which is fine with me.) THERE ARE QUESTIONS in a second post if you wanna skip the lengthy narrative and share about yourself. *All names are changed.*
I met him ("Wolf") at the beginning of this last school year at a debate tournament, but it wasn't until December that we actually talked. I had kind of disliked him because he had unintentionally embarrassed me, but that all changed quite quickly when he approached me while I was drawing at a tournament. Our acquaintanceship was built on teasing and good-natured ribbing at first, but as we got to know each other better (mainly over internet) our friendship deepened as we talked long and deeply and yet banteringly over our mutual interests, which were very many.
I was attracted to him very much, mainly for his insane capacity to understand me, his wisdom, and how well he seemed to fit with me. However I was very careful not to like him too much; I just let him become my best friend. I was very aware that this was his last year in highschool and I wouldn't want to get hurt when he moved on.
Somehow... he managed to get into my inner sanctum where no one had been before. I trusted him completely, and he never did or to this day has betrayed that trust. If he disagreed with me, he gently guided me to understand why and to agree with him (which my peace-loving nature made easy).
All this time I think another friend of ours, "Louisa", was kinda jealous of our closeness. She is a little younger than me but had known him about six months longer. She and I are two of the just four people that Wolf says he trusts, and the only girls. Louisa is very sweet and I consider her my friend, but honestly I don't think she's meant for Wolf. She is at least as sensitive as myself, but she is incapable of resolving conflicts or being reasonable when distressed; she is always running to me when she has a fight with Wolf and I am the one who works out the conflict until they at least understand each other if they can't agree. I hate it so much because I hate to see him so hurt by their fights.. I wish he didn't care so much..
Anyways, Wolf is the kind of person who doesn't believe in having relationships in high school because he doesn't think that we are emotionally mature enough. I agree, more or less. Louisa doesn't. They fight over that a lot. Whenever I'm helping them through this, Louisa tells me privately that she envies how I never fight with him. I don't even think Wolf noticed this for the longest time. I don't know. It's so hard to get into his head if he doesn't want to share.
Two months ago I had a horrible revelation. I freakin love this kid, Wolf. Not love as an attraction. I love him as my best friend in the whole world, for understanding and accepting me and for having a beautiful mind and soul of his own for me to love. It's the most pure and deep and unconditional thing I have ever experienced.
One month ago, things came to a head between Wolf and Louisa. She stopped talking to him, and he freaked. He got really depressed, and I once again had to step in and figure out why she stopped talking to him, tell him, and get him to calm down, and tell her how he was blaming himself. I also advised him to put her mind at rest about his not fighting with me... some reason, like an idiot, I am helping Louisa along with her romantic life. She knows I know she likes him. She knows I 'like' him too. And that, I'm sure, was a big part of her frustration.
During this black period for all of us, wolf expressed that he doesn't think he's a good friend for her because he stops liking people the longer he knows them. I asked if that was part of his problem with her. He said know. That worried me... am I someone he is liking less and less? I pray not..
Anyways, things seem to be more or less fine between them now. Not back to normal, but they are communicating.
He has graduated and is rooming with his best friend this next year for college. He's communicating with me daily via email since we live hours and hours away... but I am terribly afraid. Last night, I exploded in my frustration and he got into the deepest part of my soul while trying to sort out my mess. He knows how lonely I feel.. but he says one day I will find someone who understands me and that I'd better invite him to my wedding.
I wanted to freakin cry.
I don't think I'll EVER find someone like him. His morals are identical, we share a lot of interests, and we trust each other more deeply than I think anyone else he knows, and certainly more than anyone I know.
I would be fine with just being friends with him, I think, especially for now while I am too young for a relationship. Only that opens up the horrible nightmare of a possibility: he finds someone else, falls in love with her, and closes up to me. All too possible.
That idea makes me want to curl up and die. He was the person who taught me that people can understand you. Last night more than ever, he showed me that. But I feel it's impossible that I'll find another like him. I love him for everything, good and bad, that he is. If I lose him as a friend... I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone ever again for fear that I will lose them. I wish I had never met him. The idea that someone can perfectly understand you and accept you and STILL leave you for someone else is unbearable.
There is so much more I could say about all this... but I feel like I am suffering an INFJ's worst nightmare. The most beautiful person on earth has seen as much of my soul as anyone will ever see, and has the potential to see so much more if he only wanted to...if he rejects me as not good enough then there is no way in hell that will ever happen again with anyone.
If I had not such strong morals and so much freakin irrational hope I'd have killed myself long ago.
Thanks for letting me be here and vent guys. Even though I'm really new here, this forum gives me the strength to go on when I feel like I will never find love or fit in.