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  1. #1
    Anew Leaf
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    Default Fi + Conflict Discussion (All Welcome, BBYB*)

    *Bring By Your Bunny.

    So the thread that Janea started on dating INFJs got me thinking about how I deal (or not deal) with conflict.

    I am curious what other's experiences are, and if there are ways to combat the natural tendency to avoid conflict with others.

    For myself, when I am in relationships or friendships or just work interactions... I find myself not speaking up when something bothers me right away.

    My reasoning on this:

    • I don't want to make ant hills into the Andes.
    • Maybe I am feeling "off" on a particular day and therefore I don't feel I can trust being reasonable.
    • I am not sure if it's worth while to bring up.


    And I think this is ok to do if the irritation is a minor one. However, it certainly sets a pattern up where when the irritation is bigger... I have created a habit within myself of not speaking up... and therefore I don't. So perhaps I *should* make more of an effort to speak up on smaller issues in order to prepare myself better for the bigger ones.

    Is the solution to just bring things up more often? In my head I "try" this idea on and I feel immediately like I will morph into some incessant whiner. "Why are you sitting so far away from me?" "Why are you sitting so close to me?" "Why did you eat garlic pasta if you want to kiss me?" "Why is it so cold in here?!" "Why am I SOOO hot?!" etc.

    Please share your own experiences, thoughts, comments, or pictures of adorable bunnies.


  2. #2
    libtard SJW chickpea's Avatar
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    my reasons for avoiding conflict are really similar to yours, plus depending on the person i don't want to be seen as mean or uptight or overdramatic. i hold it in way too much, and will be really mad at people and they'll have no idea why, even though i usually try to forget about it or get over it. it's unhelpful though, because holding all the problems in and letting them go unsettled makes it so that when i do actually initiate conflict, i explode and feelings from unrelated things i've been trying to ignore end up coming out too, and i can get scary.

  3. #3
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Well true thing is, when you woman are stressed out you do say all those things nevertheless. And there is no way on Earth to tell a woman that she just is being whiny, without having your head choped in the process.
    So you gotta decide if you put up with that as a man. It's how you like it, I think I am more of the "being liked to tortured guy". All these german sodomy pictures on the internet must have a meaning.

    Jokes aside: if things bug you, you have to say it and you have to live with the consequences of wanting what is good for you that is part of growing up. Most woman I know from experience tend to put up with every shit their partner does in fear of appearing whiny or in fear of loosing him and being alone. Thats definitly the wrong way and will always lead to more pain.
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  4. #4
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    I thought you were going to give examples of big issues that are hard to work through. With little issues like that, it's probably in "how you say it". If you have that whiny voice and you're like, "It's hoooooottt in here. This restaurant never runs their A/C and the food here is terrible anyways. Why do we come to this place. Plus it's dirty in here." People that talk like that aggravate the crud out of me. Cuz it's never-ending complaints. Something is ALWAYS wrong. But, if you say, "Man, it's kinda toasty in here. I'm going to ask the waitress if she can turn that ceiling fan on. There we go, much better!" Or maybe we can go eat outside on the patio where it's cooler. It's like, solve the problem and then we won't have to complain anymore! Instead of just whining and not doing anything about it.

    Why are you sitting so far away from me? "Oh, well in that case, I'll come closer!" No big deal at all. Why are you sitting so close? "What do I stink or something?" No big deal at all. If anything, it would sound humorous and playful. Why did you eat garlic if you want to kiss me? "I'm going to kiss you anyways. Just watch!" Again, no big deal - your question actually sounds flirtatious, not whiny at all.

    I think holding these things back is just the nature of the introvert. 75% of stuff we think goes unsaid. But, a big chunk of that 75% wouldn't be bad to say at all - it might even be funny.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  5. #5
    Anew Leaf
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    Quote Originally Posted by chana View Post
    my reasons for avoiding conflict are really similar to yours, plus depending on the person i don't want to be seen as mean or uptight or overdramatic. i hold it in way too much, and will be really mad at people and they'll have no idea why, even though i usually try to forget about it or get over it. it's unhelpful though, because holding all the problems in and letting them go unsettled makes it so that when i do actually initiate conflict, i explode and feelings from unrelated things i've been trying to ignore end up coming out too, and i can get scary.
    Some of it too is that it is so much easier for me to say "no" to myself, than to someone else.

    It's kind of frustrating for me though. Thinking deeper I think part of it is that Fi is internal and it is something I came up with inside my head. I think I am right, and I dislike externalizing it and then being told that I am wrong. It's not like Ti who has a ledger filled with notes on why he or she is correct, mine is more of a fluid gut feeling. So if someone comes back at me with "you're being ridiculous" or "that makes no sense" etc... then I feel even more irritated, and frustrated, haha.

    Maybe I just need a bigger Fibackbone!

  6. #6
    Anew Leaf
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    I thought you were going to give examples of big issues that are hard to work through. With little issues like that, it's probably in "how you say it". If you have that whiny voice and you're like, "It's hoooooottt in here. This restaurant never runs their A/C and the food here is terrible anyways. Why do we come to this place. Plus it's dirty in here." People that talk like that aggravate the crud out of me. Cuz it's never-ending complaints. Something is ALWAYS wrong. But, if you say, "Man, it's kinda toasty in here. I'm going to ask the waitress if she can turn that ceiling fan on. There we go, much better!" Or maybe we can go eat outside on the patio where it's cooler. It's like, solve the problem and then we won't have to complain anymore! Instead of just whining and not doing anything about it.

    Why are you sitting so far away from me? "Oh, well in that case, I'll come closer!" No big deal at all. Why are you sitting so close? "What do I stink or something?" No big deal at all. If anything, it would sound humorous and playful. Why did you eat garlic if you want to kiss me? "I'm going to kiss you anyways. Just watch!" Again, no big deal - your question actually sounds flirtatious, not whiny at all.

    I think holding these things back is just the nature of the introvert. 75% of stuff we think goes unsaid. But, a big chunk of that 75% wouldn't be bad to say at all - it might even be funny.
    haha, Well, I was so concerned about making sure people could bring their own bunnies, I forgot what my main point was.

    Ok, here is a good example that is more in depth.

    I have an old friend who occasionally says insensitive things to me. Part of it is that she is just kind of self-absorbed, and part of it is just that she doesn't really listen to what she is saying. Almost every time I see her she makes either an offhand remark or has a 10 minute rant about how hard her life is because her mom moved to Florida last summer. She knows my mom passed away last year. But she is oblivious to the fact that I am not the best audience to sympathize with her over her "troubles."

    In the moment when she does this I get super angry and hurt and sad. I don't want to just "go off" on her because that is just not me. However, I am feeling so much emotion my only option is to kind of wall off myself and not react at all. I want to speak up at the time, but I don't trust myself. Therefore I stay silent. Later, I kick myself and think, ok we NEED to bring this up. I don't think she has any intentions at all of hurting me, so I know if/when I bring this topic up, I will make her feel bad and guilty.

    By the time I see her next, I have cooled down, and feel like if I bring it up... That I am making it into too big of an issue. Intellectually I know that I need to say this to her, but it is really hard now for me to do so since the original moment(s) have long passed.

    Does that example make more sense?

  7. #7
    Anew Leaf
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    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    Well true thing is, when you woman are stressed out you do say all those things nevertheless. And there is no way on Earth to tell a woman that she just is being whiny, without having your head choped in the process.
    So you gotta decide if you put up with that as a man. It's how you like it, I think I am more of the "being liked to tortured guy". All these german sodomy pictures on the internet must have a meaning.

    Jokes aside: if things bug you, you have to say it and you have to live with the consequences of wanting what is good for you that is part of growing up. Most woman I know from experience tend to put up with every shit their partner does in fear of appearing whiny or in fear of loosing him and being alone. Thats definitly the wrong way and will always lead to more pain.
    Yeah, maybe I just need to speak up more and not worry so much about the consequences of doing so. Within reason, of course. haha

  8. #8
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    When someone says something obviously offensive (like any reasonable person would know instinctively that it would offend someone), or is picking or nagging at me or being noticeably "conflict-generative" (to coin a phrase), I speak up right away & fix it then. Sometimes I'm too defensive, with bosses & supervisors especially, I'll talk back to them, resist their instructions, etc.

    That's the little obvious stuff that's easy to deal with. But when someone's kinda ambiguously overstepping their bounds or doing stuff passive-aggressively or running some drama game below the surface, OR if it's just some confrontation I need to instigate to correct a situation, I waver a lot & am always timid & wary.

  9. #9
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    Yeah, maybe I just need to speak up more and not worry so much about the consequences of doing so. Within reason, of course. haha
    it seems a lot different for women. If a guy talks back to people, that's just what he's supposed to do & if he overdoes it people usually think even more highly of him. I've noticed that, people will say "that was badass" or something when I can't hold my tongue & end up insulting an authority figure or something. But all the girls I know that do it get called bitches. well... a few of them really are bitches who are always pissed about something, so i dunno.

  10. #10
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    haha, Well, I was so concerned about making sure people could bring their own bunnies, I forgot what my main point was.

    Ok, here is a good example that is more in depth.

    I have an old friend who occasionally says insensitive things to me. Part of it is that she is just kind of self-absorbed, and part of it is just that she doesn't really listen to what she is saying. Almost every time I see her she makes either an offhand remark or has a 10 minute rant about how hard her life is because her mom moved to Florida last summer. She knows my mom passed away last year. But she is oblivious to the fact that I am not the best audience to sympathize with her over her "troubles."

    In the moment when she does this I get super angry and hurt and sad. I don't want to just "go off" on her because that is just not me. However, I am feeling so much emotion my only option is to kind of wall off myself and not react at all. I want to speak up at the time, but I don't trust myself. Therefore I stay silent. Later, I kick myself and think, ok we NEED to bring this up. I don't think she has any intentions at all of hurting me, so I know if/when I bring this topic up, I will make her feel bad and guilty.

    By the time I see her next, I have cooled down, and feel like if I bring it up... That I am making it into too big of an issue. Intellectually I know that I need to say this to her, but it is really hard now for me to do so since the original moment(s) have long passed.

    Does that example make more sense?
    Yeah, it makes more sense now. I know what I would do, but I have a backTibone and you don't have a Fibackbone. Just kidding! Totally joking. But, yeah, it may just be harder for an INFP to voice their frustration (or even anger) to other people. But, I do think that unless you speak up, the issue won't get resolved. It will just continue to happen every time you see your friend. Just look at it like, "I'm going to punch her square in the mouth (verbally) right now - it's going to hurt a bit and her lip might get a bit bloody - but, then I'll reassure her that she's still my friend - heck, I'll even drive her to the hospital to get stitches in her lip cuz I'm such a good friend (LOL) - and then next time I see her, she won't give me her sob story anymore." Ti says: sometimes you have to take a hardline approach to getting a problem solved. There comes a point where being sweet about it is no longer an option because it's not working - it's not effective in stopping your friend's behavior. You have to go with what actually works and what gets the job done. And then you'll be happy with the results and won't have to listen to the sob stories anymore. And your friend will get over it. Sometimes you do lose a friend or two using this approach, but, the true friends will stick around.

    /Ti 2 cents
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

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