User Tag List

First 1234 Last

Results 11 to 20 of 31

  1. #11
    Anew Leaf
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    Yeah, it makes more sense now. I know what I would do, but I have a backTibone and you don't have a Fibackbone. Just kidding! Totally joking. But, yeah, it may just be harder for an INFP to voice their frustration (or even anger) to other people. But, I do think that unless you speak up, the issue won't get resolved. It will just continue to happen every time you see your friend. Just look at it like, "I'm going to punch her square in the mouth (verbally) right now - it's going to hurt a bit and her lip might get a bit bloody - but, then I'll reassure her that she's still my friend - heck, I'll even drive her to the hospital to get stitches in her lip cuz I'm such a good friend (LOL) - and then next time I see her, she won't give me her sob story anymore." Ti says: sometimes you have to take a hardline approach to getting a problem solved. There comes a point where being sweet about it is no longer an option because it's not working - it's not effective in stopping your friend's behavior. You have to go with what actually works and what gets the job done. And then you'll be happy with the results and won't have to listen to the sob stories anymore. And your friend will get over it. Sometimes you do lose a friend or two using this approach, but, the true friends will stick around.

    /Ti 2 cents
    Haha, *installs new backbone to deal with your post*.

    I get what you're saying. I think my problem is that I establish patterns with certain people, and then I get stuck adhering to them even when I don't want to. I don't want to listen to my friend complain about this, and I don't want to be upset about it, but I feel trapped in not saying anything because that is what I have always done with her.

    This is just one example to illustrate my main point. But it would be a good step in the right direction for me.

    So maybe I just need to (gulp) be more assertive and (meh) speak my mind? Is that the key?! *downs spinach juice*

  2. #12
    resonance entropie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    MBTI
    entp
    Enneagram
    783
    Posts
    16,761

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    Yeah, maybe I just need to speak up more and not worry so much about the consequences of doing so. Within reason, of course. haha
    I think you are quite good at that already, the important thing to me is just that you dont get lost anf for example dont say what bugs you for loves sake. Knowing that as a man would really make me sad as well, cause I'd hate it that my beloved one wouldnt share everything with me. And sharing everything is mandatory in a relationship to me. That's what means romance to me (belated answer to the NT romance thread )
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  3. #13
    Uniqueorn William K's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    986

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    So maybe I just need to (gulp) be more assertive and (meh) speak my mind? Is that the key?! *downs spinach juice*
    Been reading a book on how to be more assertive recently and one of the more interesting things the author says is that being assertive doesn't mean getting your way all the time. It means setting your boundaries and letting others know what you won't do instead of compelling them to do what you want. If you don't do anything in your situation with your friend, she will keep coming to you with her problems. Let her know firmly but without getting angry or whiny that she should stop doing that and explain why it's bugging you. As you mentioned, she probably didn't even realize your reactions.
    4w5, Fi>Ne>Ti>Si>Ni>Fe>Te>Se, sp > so > sx

    appreciates being appreciated, conflicted over conflicts, afraid of being afraid, bad at being bad, predictably unpredictable, consistently inconsistent, remarkably unremarkable...

    I may not agree with what you are feeling, but I will defend to death your right to have a good cry over it

    The whole problem with the world is that fools & fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. ~ Bertrand Russell

  4. #14
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    2,629

    Default

    INFPs need to start speaking up and stop letting people take advantage of them!

    One thing I've noticed is how some INFPs let people stop all over their boundaries, do nothing, secretly get mad and then shut themselves in their room and feel horrible and bitter. This is really not healthy.

    I also think a whole lot of offensive/insensitive things can be deflected and avoided by navigating the conversation flow.
    "My life has been so horrible since my mom moved to Florida!"
    "*sign* I miss my mom."
    The friend should 'get the message' and drop the topic. If that still doesn't work, tell her directly that it's still a sensitive issue and you don't want to talk about something that would remind you of your mom yet.

    For other things, I think half-jokes are useful. (NTPs are scarily good at this, so we can all learn from them ) A while ago my INFP bf was living with a manipulative, demanding flatmate who always made him buy stuff for her from the supermarket. She paid for the stuff, of course, but wanted him to do the actual buying and carrying because she had 'health problems' and couldn't do it herself. The first few times he helped her, but after a while she was expecting him to do it as a 'duty'. He was very upset about this and tried to avoid her by not hanging out in the living area. One time she caught him in the living area, and he snapped and said "No!" and left the room, which solved the problem once and for all, but they were not on speaking terms for weeks because of that and the atmosphere in the flat was terrible.

    Thinking about it, perhaps the whole thing could have been avoided:
    "Hey, can you buy this and this for me from the supermarket?"
    "I'll try, but I might have a lot of stuff to carry." / "Yeah, but only if it's small enough to fit into the empty space in the bag between my giant liquid detergent and a bag of exotic mangoes *grin*" / "No, I have taken a vow not to support [insert brand] products because they exploit third-world farmers *half-serious look*"
    I think people will know it's an indirect no.

    That said, I'm not good at saying no myself, especially when people don't take the hint and keep asking bluntly. I usually end up saying "Okay..." and might just go passive-aggressive and say I forgot >_<
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  5. #15
    Senior Member Viridian's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    MBTI
    IsFJ
    Posts
    3,088

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    INFPs need to start speaking up and stop letting people take advantage of them!

    One thing I've noticed is how some INFPs let people stop all over their boundaries, do nothing, secretly get mad and then shut themselves in their room and feel horrible and bitter. This is really not healthy.

    I also think a whole lot of offensive/insensitive things can be deflected and avoided by navigating the conversation flow.
    "My life has been so horrible since my mom moved to Florida!"
    "*sign* I miss my mom."
    The friend should 'get the message' and drop the topic. If that still doesn't work, tell her directly that it's still a sensitive issue and you don't want to talk about something that would remind you of your mom yet.

    For other things, I think half-jokes are useful. (NTPs are scarily good at this, so we can all learn from them ) A while ago my INFP bf was living with a manipulative, demanding flatmate who always made him buy stuff for her from the supermarket. She paid for the stuff, of course, but wanted him to do the actual buying and carrying because she had 'health problems' and couldn't do it herself. The first few times he helped her, but after a while she was expecting him to do it as a 'duty'. He was very upset about this and tried to avoid her by not hanging out in the living area. One time she caught him in the living area, and he snapped and said "No!" and left the room, which solved the problem once and for all, but they were not on speaking terms for weeks because of that and the atmosphere in the flat was terrible.

    Thinking about it, perhaps the whole thing could have been avoided:
    "Hey, can you buy this and this for me from the supermarket?"
    "I'll try, but I might have a lot of stuff to carry." / "Yeah, but only if it's small enough to fit into the empty space in the bag between my giant liquid detergent and a bag of exotic mangoes *grin*" / "No, I have taken a vow not to support [insert brand] products because they exploit third-world farmers *half-serious look*"
    I think people will know it's an indirect no.

    That said, I'm not good at saying no myself, especially when people don't take the hint and keep asking bluntly. I usually end up saying "Okay..." and might just go passive-aggressive and say I forgot >_<
    Oh man, I do this quite a bit... I imagine it's not exclusive to INFPs, though.

  6. #16
    Senior Member BAJ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    MBTI
    ISFP
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    631

    Default

    I'd probably write her this note, but I'm sort of lacking friends right now...so I would necessarily follow my advice. Of course, my lacking of friends is a multifaceted thing that is off topic, and has little to do with writing notes. That is, I don't think notes are bad, or if notes are bad, they are so a part of me that I would know how to stop. Also, sometimes I just write notes over and over and then go talk to the person once I've processed my feelings in writing.

    Dear friend:
    "I appreciate you trusting me with your feelings, but I still miss my mom at times, and when you talk about your mom, I think about how I can never write or talk to my mom again. So when you talk about your mom, it makes me feel sad. I tend to feel a little angry since you don't realize this about my grief, and how this is a sore area. I know you need to talk to someone about your grief, but in this aspect, please talk to someone else."

  7. #17
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    5w4
    Posts
    2,158

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    Thinking about it, perhaps the whole thing could have been avoided:
    "Hey, can you buy this and this for me from the supermarket?"
    "I'll try, but I might have a lot of stuff to carry." / "Yeah, but only if it's small enough to fit into the empty space in the bag between my giant liquid detergent and a bag of exotic mangoes *grin*" / "No, I have taken a vow not to support [insert brand] products because they exploit third-world farmers *half-serious look*"
    I think people will know it's an indirect no.

    That said, I'm not good at saying no myself, especially when people don't take the hint and keep asking bluntly. I usually end up saying "Okay..." and might just go passive-aggressive and say I forgot >_<
    It's just about being honest and straightforward. If I buy your stuff, I'll have way too much to carry for 1 person. Therefore, sorry my friend, can't help you today. Unless you want to come with me and we'll do it together! Otherwise, I'll be on my way now. Buh bye!
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  8. #18
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    8,022

    Default

    INFPs need to learn to express and assert themselves on a one-to-one basis, without passive-aggressiveness or over-reacting due to accumulated resentment. No one can read your mind.

  9. #19
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    4
    Posts
    1,137

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenaphor View Post
    INFPs need to learn to express and assert themselves on a one-to-one basis, without passive-aggressiveness or over-reacting due to accumulated resentment. No one can read your mind.
    The same is true for everyone though... that has a lot to do with a person's maturity. & I've personally never been passive-aggressive at all, so I'm not sure that's a particular INFP problem. Maybe introverts in general though.

  10. #20
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    MBTI
    HUMR
    Enneagram
    6 sx
    Socionics
    iNfp Ni
    Posts
    1,521

    Default

    As someone who closely walks the INFP line, I can say that I have not had a problem with expressing my frusteration or dissapointment, whatever, for some time now. But I did run into this from time to time when younger (and less bitchy haha) ..

    Here is the thing.. you can't repress that emotion forever.. I know, I've tried. And what ends up happening is that it builds and builds until one day, someone does something fairly silly or small... and WHAM you unload how they've fucked you over for 3 yrs now.. throwing out endless lists of personal failures or undesireable qualities. You've just morphed into a crazed, hostile, ESTJ nazi. And ya, THAT might really freak some people out, considering your disposition the other 99% of the time is mellow and accepting.

    Here is the good thing about INFP's.. they are fantastic at conflict resolution for *other* people.. because they are masters of diplomacy. Why do you think that is so? Why can we jump right in and help others see all sides and compromise, when we can't do it for ourselves? Why can we turn into warriors battling for passionate human causes, but allow our own needs to fall by the wayside? Because we tend to be martyrs.. believing we should carry the weight of the world on our shoulders, and we do that because we can. But what is the real root of this? Is this not to say that deep down, behind our love of humanity, our need to make the world a better place.. there is not a voice that tells us we are better? We are more capeable, we know better, we should be held to a higher standard? Why? It is this voice that needs to be challenged. It is this voice that needs to be taught to see objectively. That we are no weaker or stronger, no more or less capeable, than anyone else. That we should not hold ourselves to standards we would not hold another to, and that we should also not accept behaviors or treatment that we would never dish out. This is an equal exchange. Treat others as you want to be treated. Expect what you give. When you come across an in-equal exchange.. you need to carefully consdier why. It almost always links back to the INFP not clearly seeing their own value.

    The friend talking about missing her mom -- The next time it comes up I'd probably be like " Ya know, this might seem a little crazy to you.. because we are such close friends, and I love that and want us to be able to talk about anything.. but the truth is I am still very much grieving for my own loss, and it it very hard for me to understand where you are coming from .. because I'd do just about anything to have my mom back and living in florida. So maybe I am not the best person for you to talk to about this. Can you understand that? "
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

Similar Threads

  1. [Fi] Conflict between Fi users?
    By 475617 in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 12-31-2012, 09:32 AM
  2. [INTP] Does the world hate INTP's? All types welcome.
    By mortabunt in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 270
    Last Post: 09-22-2012, 07:57 AM
  3. Fi/Fe Discussion Sensitivity
    By gromit in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 33
    Last Post: 11-19-2010, 09:49 AM
  4. Fe in conflict with Fi
    By Amargith in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 02-21-2009, 12:33 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO