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Thread: INFJ does not understand ENFP please help me get to the bottom of it :)

  1. #1
    Junior Member Array pollypossom's Avatar
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    Jun 2011

    Default INFJ does not understand ENFP please help me get to the bottom of it :)

    Hi this my first post! Im dylexic so please bear with the spelling and Grammer its not great.

    This is a bit of a long story but I will try and give you the juicy bits to keep it short, please questions of you need to know more

    Im 28 and my ENFP male freind is 32. A year ago I moved into his house as he rents his rooms out. We met and we clicked. We have tons in common were both playful and and share the same sence of humour.

    He flirted with me a LOT!!!!! Touching, complimets, eye contact. I did not recpicate as I was in a relationship (very on the rocks) and it take me ages to decide if Im attracted to somone. However I am by my nature very playful but not flirty so the experience was a lot of fun!

    A couple of times early on Im pretty sure he tried it on when drunk BUT as my landlord It felt wronge and I didnt bite. Nothing was said exactly I just pulled away, he also seems to not know what he's doing.

    Over time I began to develop feelings for him and it was clear to me that guy was agreat match and very special. like I said it take me ages to work stuff like that out.

    In the mean time I disagreed with him on somthing (small) and he blew it up, we spoke about it and I made sure there was full closure he asured me there was. He treated me diffrently from that point. Rude, uniterested, taking me granted treating me second class as if Im not a lady or intlegent of which I am both (he's dyslexic too so its not that) almost refuting my my feminity snappy and very flaky. This hurt my feelings a lot and was hard to live with, even more confusing is he would intergect this with being overly nice, wanting to engage me socialy and a what can only described as a painfull look.

    We get on great we click and yet the undertones were upsetting and got to me, he basicaly treated me a bit shit and it got noticed by our friends livng in the house. I was so upset about the way I was treated and he wouldnt talk about it, he is impossibe to talk to, so i had to do via email. He then told me he was sorry and that he had put 2 and t tothgeter and got 10 and put me down in his esimation, he then said I was 'special' CONFUSING OR WHAT!!!!

    Now I take 'special' as a person that means a lot to me and to tell them that means Im telling them how I feel because I feel more them than I do most people. he did this just as he went off traveling

    He came back things were good he was flirting and then he started being shitty again. I popped, hurt, cunfused and fed up I sent him a big long email explaing i cannot maintian a friendship like that. Im an introvert and I 'need' lots of people and don't need that and I dont need him can he just be nice and thats it.

    he evicted me I assumed becuse i was out of order mabe I was, ad having lost him and happy for the closure that was it game over. Iv upset him end of ordeal, when the tears are over I will just move on.

    He then started texting me again text that other people have seen and said are sexual and flirty and then he started being realy nice to me.

    I moved out, we met up with scoialy I was so confused I could hardly talk to him. I needed closure so I sent him an email told how i felt. I told him I was sorry i critsed him so badly but tht my feelings were hurt and that I think hes great and wonder if feels the same becasue he flirts with a lot.

    He said no he's not interested, BUT Im very attarctive funny clever and creative WTF why say that?? I have guys interested in me I dont need the let down gently he knows this!

    I was gald for the closure at least. BUT It doese not make sence.
    He refuses to answer the question of weather he ever faniced me, so none of what hes done has made sence
    I really like him and I know we would be great togther everybody that know us both including his family say this.
    I would be happy to be freinds and no more BUT like I said I dont feel close enough to him to be freinds there are big gaps and hr confuses me
    ALso he's started flirting again!!! subtly throuhgh facebook hes very busy at the moment.

    This guy is a cereal dater, he seems shallow and only like model types he seems not care for personality. This bothers me a lot he seems to have scewed view of women

    He has drawn massive incorrect conclusion about who I am and what Im about and I need to correct this inorder to be friends with him
    So basicaly what i wnat to know is any insight!

    the last point highlighted is very important to me. This great guy is going to get door slammed and he will feel hurt, but I cannot be friends with some one that thinks Im somthing Im not

    I also cannot be friends with somone that flirts with me that much, but his freind ship means a lot to me.

    Questions: How can you make an ENFP see you for who you are? I act as I am he just doese not or refuses to see it

    Do ENFP's lie about liking somone?

    he eveicted me out of his house away from freinds and with nowhere to go. Im still hurt by this since there is not closure. Closure on that for me is to door slam him, BUT he started being really nice to me so I couldn't. How do I get closure from somone who doesn't know what closure is?

    Once an ENFP as made up their mind is that it forever?

    Thanks and sorry its a long one!

  2. #2
    B-E-H-A-V-E Never More Array Luv Deluxe's Avatar
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    Jun 2011
    7w6 sx/sp


    Whoa. Sounds like your guy has some serious issues to work through, and I'm not so sure his MBTI type is the answer to this riddle. He seems to thoroughly enjoy playing mind games with you, first building you up and then completely invalidating you. Even if this were to somehow work out, his behavior probably wouldn't level out overnight...and you'd be left dealing with this indefinitely. At least, until he gets his head checked.

    He sounds very insecure, for one thing. I was involved in a similar sort of emotional game with someone a few years ago. We were at school, and he had a girlfriend at home, but nevertheless his social advances gradually crossed the line until I had developed a crush on him. He was an unusual sort of person to begin with, so it was difficult to read his signals - but his words and actions became increasingly flirtatious and the next thing I knew, he was calling me up at three in the morning to take a long walk through the park, getting overly touchy-feely, and telling me he loved me. Hmm. Things were great in the beginning of the friendship, but then...out of nowhere...he started going back and forth between being a sweetheart and a dick. He would tell me how incredibly sexy he found me, and then suddenly avoid or ignore me for extended periods of time. (For what it's worth, I later found out he was bipolar.) This guy was probably an INFP, but far from a healthy one. I wasn't the most stable myself, and in the end, I gave him the door slam.

    I hope that this interest of yours doesn't become outright abusive or controlling, because then we're sort of moving into something like NPD territory - and you should run like the wind if that's the case. He seems to have no issue with manipulating you and hurting you - no matter how often he apologizes, he seems likely to do it again. Are you sure you'd want that? I'm not saying he's a narcissistic personality, but the shallowness and uncaring behavior still strike me as red flags. The INFP guy I was involved with claimed that he never liked me, either, but I feel that it's likely he was intentionally trying to hurt my feelings (as we were fighting). I suppose it is possible that your ENFP lied to you, maybe to mess with you or protect his ego or both.

    My best friend is ENFP. She's the most random person I know and I love her to death. She can be extremely flighty and unreliable at times, and yes, she's been known to lie about certain touchy issues depending on her mood. Overall though, she's a great person (with well-developed intuition!) who can usually read people very accurately. When it comes to seeing people for who they really are, she doesn't need much help. Perhaps your ENFP guy sees you for who you really are, but enjoys manipulating your weaknesses to quench the thirst of his almighty insecurity. He may truly have issues with emotional control, but that's still something to be wary of since it's so potentially painful. Just be careful.

  3. #3
    Diving into Ni-space Array Crescent Fresh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011


    It really doesn't matter what MBTI type this guy is, but you've gotta keep him out of your mind as he seems to be interested in games.

    Also, you also seem to be somewhat unstable as you have stated, you should really try to avoid seeing anyone until you start to feel healthier.

  4. #4
    You have a choice! Array 21%'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009


    He doesn't seem like a healthy ENFP at all, so I think it's best that you do not get involved with him. You cannot "fix" him or "heal" him and make him healthy and mature. It's something he has to learn on his own, and it takes a very long time. I agree with Crescent that you should concentrate on yourself for now and focus on becoming healthy and happy on your own.

    Good luck!
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  5. #5
    i love Array skylights's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    6w7 so/sx
    EII Ne


    it's clear that you've been pretty hurt by this guy, and i'm really sorry for that... i don't think that him being an ENFP really explains much of anything about his behavior, but knowing his type can give you some good strategies for addressing the situation, i think.

    from my point of view, it seems evident that something is really bothering him to make him flip on you like that. at least myself as an ENFP, i take no pleasure in toying with people or dragging them along, but i do have problems with internal wounds that may become contention points in relationships.

    his flirty behavior seems like "normal" ENFP state, but if he's behaving pretty much exactly the same variety of shitty every time, then it would be my assumption that it's the same reason that's making him act that way every time. finding out what that reason is would be key to understanding what's going on with this situation. imo, your best bet is just straight-up asking him what's making him swing between two totally different behavior patterns. you can be very direct with an ENFP as long as you are very neutral (anything that sounds remotely like guilt tripping or accusation is almost guaranteed to piss us off, though).

    my guess is that whatever the disagreement was, it hit some major chord in him that really turned him off to you for whatever reason. Fi can be very hidden like that... he himself may not even completely understand why it struck him as it did.

    He said no he's not interested, BUT Im very attarctive funny clever and creative WTF why say that?? I have guys interested in me I dont need the let down gently he knows this!
    this is hard to know. as an ENFP, i tend to give others compliments freely regardless of how i feel about them. guys often mistake this as flirting or me thinking they're special to me, but in truth i'm just treating them the way i treat everyone. he may be like that, too.

    He refuses to answer the question of weather he ever faniced me,
    i bet he did.

    How can you make an ENFP see you for who you are? I act as I am he just doese not or refuses to see it
    well, let me point out that in general, ENFPs are quite interested in seeing the core you. i hate the stereotype that ENFPs are superficial just because we seem flirty sometimes. we're fellow NFs and want to reach out to the hearts of others and embrace everyone for who they are.

    again, i think this goes back to whatever happened between the two of you. whatever it was was more than likely -serious- to him for some reason. maybe it reminded him of something really significant in his childhood, or maybe it really stung him because he's been hurt deeply in that way before, but whatever it is, it's pretty clear that he's hurting because of it, seeing as he hasn't let go.

    and if he still sees in you whatever threatened him, even if the past issue was "resolved" between you guys, that might cause his weird push-pull behavior.

    Do ENFP's lie about liking somone?
    i have kept my attraction towards someone a secret because i had no desire to share it. i don't feel like it's others' right to know my personal feelings.

    but the push-pull behavior that he exhibits is in no way normal. if i'm keeping it private that i like someone, then i'm keeping it private. i wouldn't flaunt it one day then be in denial the next.

    How do I get closure from somone who doesn't know what closure is?
    i think saying that he "doesn't know what closure is" is an odd assumption. does he show lack of understanding of closure in other areas of life? it seems to me that to be a landlord you would have to have at least some inkling of organization and closure.

    he's already said he doesn't want a relationship, so you could just be direct with him and tell him that if he doesn't want a relationship then he's going to need to stop texting you in such a flirty and sexual manner.

    Once an ENFP as made up their mind is that it forever?
    probably not. for Ps in general, most opinions change as circumstances change, and circumstances always do change.

    good luck with this situation, it sounds tough.

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