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  1. #31
    Glycerine
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    Yeah I totally agree with you OA. I just have a habit of wanting to make my posts seem more universally applicable so I try not to tie MBTI as much into my writing.

  2. #32
    Senior Member Sizzling Berry's Avatar
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    OrangeAppled, thanks a lot for this thread. An eye-openner!!!

    In my case it was like Udog and Glycerine said - broken people and an attentive person.

    They weren't sensing any problems in me. They were sensing a person who can and is willing to listen. Very often I was such a person because of the things you've mentioned: understanding what it means to have problems, ethical views on the way groups treat the harmed ones, the feeling that I have to repay somehow for the fact that I'm quiet although I like people (unapproachable) etc, etc.

    It was not a kinship of people with problems. The proof of it was when I tried to reverse the friendship and share my problems with them. Most of them didn't really want that or couldn't do it or... there were always reasons why not, centered in one point - broken people are focused on their problems.

    I was so much into ethical part of it that I haven't noticed that it was draining my emotional resources right, left, top and bottom.

    In the end I realized it's easier and safer to work on unapproachability and then with better boundries chose to help people than to jump into friendships/rescue missions, where God knows if you can expect some reciprocity or you do all the giving.

    That's my story and I'm still learning .
    Hot-hearted head

  3. #33
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    How much is attracting broken people and how much is seeking them out?

  4. #34
    jump sleuthiness's Avatar
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    No, though I attract and am attracted to people in need of inspiration or someone to listen with some degree of concern. Often people welcome being asked way too many questions (yay!). Always something new to learn, whether other people think they're dogshit or not.

    Broken = heroin addict? Whether she's broken or not doesn't enter my mind; we just discuss our respective dj playlists.\\

    But regarding balance within interactions, I don't take on any single predominant role.

    thinking of you

  5. #35
    Senior Member Sizzling Berry's Avatar
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    I think it can be both seeking and attracting. A common ground is a certain filter you have in your mind. Speaking very generally, you chose to select broken people and you chose to reject non-broken ones.
    Hot-hearted head

  6. #36
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sizzling Berry View Post
    They weren't sensing any problems in me. They were sensing a person who can and is willing to listen. Very often I was such a person because of the things you've mentioned: understanding what it means to have problems, ethical views on the way groups treat the harmed ones, the feeling that I have to repay somehow for the fact that I'm quiet although I like people (unapproachable) etc, etc.

    It was not a kinship of people with problems. The proof of it was when I tried to reverse the friendship and share my problems with them. Most of them didn't really want that or couldn't do it or... there were always reasons why not, centered in one point - broken people are focused on their problems.

    I was so much into ethical part of it that I haven't noticed that it was draining my emotional resources right, left, top and bottom.

    In the end I realized it's easier and safer to work on unapproachability and then with better boundries chose to help people than to jump into friendships/rescue missions, where God knows if you can expect some reciprocity or you do all the giving.

    That's my story and I'm still learning .
    Yes, yes & yes. This is my story also. I think bolded explains pretty much what I was saying more clearly. The part about them not reciprocating is sooo true. I think that was the clincher for me in distancing myself from some friends who were like that. I realized I was being used in a way.

    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    How much is attracting broken people and how much is seeking them out?
    I don't seek anyone out, not consciously. I'm not an initiator; like I said, it felt foisted on me at times. The poor posture, head down, timid demeanor probably just said "vulnerable". I think I'm a little less nervous in my demeanor now.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  7. #37
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    I think assertive body language is a fantastic strategy. I feel much more comfortable in my body now at 44 than 24 or even 34. I walk with my head up and shoulders back. I still notice and assist the people who need an advocate or protection, I just don't entertain their stories for hours on end with no reciprocation that signals the development of an ACTUAL, HEALTHY friendship. I too have had my fair share of "friends" who would eat up my emotional resources but have no crumbs left to offer me when I needed a moment or two to talk. I also used to attract people who talked to me on the subway, and approached me on the street, and in all sorts of odd situations.

    And I think I thought, that somehow by listening to them, I was enabling them to sort it all out for themself, by showing them that there ARE caring people in the world. (Ha, I was enabling them all right!) And they just never stopped talking. And they fixed nothing about the problems in their lives. So I had to learn, that my way of problem-solving was very different than theirs - if I talk something out, I can talk out a solution. For them not so much. And I felt their pain, and I wanted to make it be all better ... aww, I still have oodles and oodles of hugs for those folks in my heart. I still hope somehow, my compassion and advice may have helped, tangentially.

    So, that was certainly a dynamic in my 20's. Attracted a bunch of folks who were needy, learned that they were emo-vampires more than anything else, and also learned that once I asserted my needs for reciprocation, they were unavailable. So, I had to move a couple of those friendships to the way-outer circles. And in a way, those were safe people for me to be friends with at the time - they were needy, and I wanted to be needed, and not rejected; undoubtedly, I am just as culpable here as they.

    Now, TODAY, I look at the people around me and decide who I WANT to be friends with, rather than the other way around - letting other people decide that they want to be friends with me. Imagine, I can pick my own friends! I don't attract the same dynamic anymore - I attract a more confident one because that's what I exude. I think that's a typical development route for many INFP's.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  8. #38
    Anew Leaf
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    I think assertive body language is a fantastic strategy. I feel much more comfortable in my body now at 44 than 24 or even 34. I walk with my head up and shoulders back. I still notice and assist the people who need an advocate or protection, I just don't entertain their stories for hours on end with no reciprocation that signals the development of an ACTUAL, HEALTHY friendship. I too have had my fair share of "friends" who would eat up my emotional resources but have no crumbs left to offer me when I needed a moment or two to talk. I also used to attract people who talked to me on the subway, and approached me on the street, and in all sorts of odd situations.

    And I think I thought, that somehow by listening to them, I was enabling them to sort it all out for themself, by showing them that there ARE caring people in the world. (Ha, I was enabling them all right!) And they just never stopped talking. And they fixed nothing about the problems in their lives. So I had to learn, that my way of problem-solving was very different than theirs - if I talk something out, I can talk out a solution. For them not so much. And I felt their pain, and I wanted to make it be all better ... aww, I still have oodles and oodles of hugs for those folks in my heart. I still hope somehow, my compassion and advice may have helped, tangentially.

    So, that was certainly a dynamic in my 20's. Attracted a bunch of folks who were needy, learned that they were emo-vampires more than anything else, and also learned that once I asserted my needs for reciprocation, they were unavailable. So, I had to move a couple of those friendships to the way-outer circles. And in a way, those were safe people for me to be friends with at the time - they were needy, and I wanted to be needed, and not rejected; undoubtedly, I am just as culpable here as they.

    Now, TODAY, I look at the people around me and decide who I WANT to be friends with, rather than the other way around - letting other people decide that they want to be friends with me. Imagine, I can pick my own friends! I don't attract the same dynamic anymore - I attract a more confident one because that's what I exude. I think that's a typical development route for many INFP's.
    Your post is pure win PB !

    I can identify with almost everything you say here.

    If we had a bunny hug icon I would use it here. Instead I shall need you to call upon your powers of awesome and IMAGINE that this is combined with this .

  9. #39
    Senior Member Sizzling Berry's Avatar
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    One other thing worked for me.

    Understanding that being shy/ not receiving enough positive feedback from others does not identify me with "the miserable". It's a problem to solve like any other.

    Having that problem doesn't make me similar to every broken person there is. Like being a woman doesn't make me like every woman in the world. It doesn't make me a part of a special club/ brand of people (and my thinking sometimes went that way).

    At least in my case, it was better to creatively solve it within the capacity of my personality (and partially accept it) than be amazed/thrilled/feel fulfilled by the suffering that came from it.

    Still in the process of digesting all of that.

    PeaceBaby, I need to save your answer on the disk pronto !
    Hot-hearted head

  10. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    I think assertive body language is a fantastic strategy. I feel much more comfortable in my body now at 44 than 24 or even 34. I walk with my head up and shoulders back. I still notice and assist the people who need an advocate or protection, I just don't entertain their stories for hours on end with no reciprocation that signals the development of an ACTUAL, HEALTHY friendship. I too have had my fair share of "friends" who would eat up my emotional resources but have no crumbs left to offer me when I needed a moment or two to talk. I also used to attract people who talked to me on the subway, and approached me on the street, and in all sorts of odd situations.

    And I think I thought, that somehow by listening to them, I was enabling them to sort it all out for themself, by showing them that there ARE caring people in the world. (Ha, I was enabling them all right!) And they just never stopped talking. And they fixed nothing about the problems in their lives. So I had to learn, that my way of problem-solving was very different than theirs - if I talk something out, I can talk out a solution. For them not so much. And I felt their pain, and I wanted to make it be all better ... aww, I still have oodles and oodles of hugs for those folks in my heart. I still hope somehow, my compassion and advice may have helped, tangentially.

    So, that was certainly a dynamic in my 20's. Attracted a bunch of folks who were needy, learned that they were emo-vampires more than anything else, and also learned that once I asserted my needs for reciprocation, they were unavailable. So, I had to move a couple of those friendships to the way-outer circles. And in a way, those were safe people for me to be friends with at the time - they were needy, and I wanted to be needed, and not rejected; undoubtedly, I am just as culpable here as they.

    Now, TODAY, I look at the people around me and decide who I WANT to be friends with, rather than the other way around - letting other people decide that they want to be friends with me. Imagine, I can pick my own friends! I don't attract the same dynamic anymore - I attract a more confident one because that's what I exude. I think that's a typical development route for many INFP's.

    I think I also need to talk something out so that I can find a solution. And, like you, in my 20s I attracted more people to me who needed someone to lean on and who didn't reciprocate. In my teens I had a friend with an alcoholic mother and a family in complete chaos. She was looking for a lifeline and she had no inner resources to cope. The idea of actually choosing my friends: I've felt the good friends that I made in my 30s and 40s was a mutual coming together on both our parts. I think I may actually be coming to the place of choosing. In general, I don't see people as "broken" but in some stage of growth. If you are truly broken, you may feel you're no living. But, again, that may be just a stage, hopefully.

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