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  1. #21
    Anew Leaf
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    I know this has been discussed before....but so has everything else :P .

    INFPs (and other NFs, why not!), do you find you attract broken/unstable people?

    I've always attracted the (bad) weirdos, the underdogs, the rejects, aaaand the broken people. The thing is, I generally don't appear approachable or friendly (although I am), yet some signal must be going out that I'm empathetic & understanding, and not turned off by awkwardness or strangeness. I also give the benefit of the doubt and can "over-empathize" or exercise what I call "misplaces sympathy". Sometimes this means allowing someone in my life that I should've rejected from the get-go. It's not always pity, but willingness to put up with a lot of crap from someone if I determine something else that's valuable about them (boy does this apply to sooo many INTXs I've known).

    However, I find this less common now in recent years, and maybe it's a sign that I am more stable. Maybe I'm not giving out "I'll endure your creepiness" vibes.

    Anyone else go from attracting these types to simply not?

    It's not even that I weed them out now, but I don't even seem to attract them as much. Obviously, this is good, but it's also struck me as odd.
    I think, honestly, it isn't just an NF or INFP thing... I think like attracts like. If you have low self-esteem, have problems... you are more likely to stick to someone else who has the same issues. Conversely if you have yourself together... you are more likely than not to attract that same kind of person into your life.

    This was a problem of my own in my twenties. Experience, getting a bit older, and spending time on myself helped bring me around to a much healthier and happier place. During this process I sort of naturally picked up a group of friends who are healthy, and I disengaged myself from the ones who aren't healthy.

    Some of that process was because I shifted how I get self-esteem. Before, I felt like I wasn't a "good" person unless I helped people... and helping people meant I listened to their problems, and I didn't judge them, and I let them be as sad as they wanted to be.... and I thought, I am awesome! I am "helping" my friend! When in reality, I wasn't really helping anyone at all.

    In constrast, I get my self-esteem almost entirely from just within myself now. I still enjoy being a good listener for someone, but I am no longer willing to let someone complain ad infinitum about a problem that they themselves can solve.

  2. #22
    Warflower Nijntje's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chana View Post
    i feel like most of the guys i've dated/been interested in have at least been fucked up in some way or had some kind of hardship. like i really can't see myself ever being in love with some totally normal well-adjusted guy. i need some kind of neurotic tendency that i can relate to. but i also always pick guys better off then myself, so i'm even weirder than them.
    This.

    But i also tend to attract 'broken' people as friends, i guess because in many ways i can relate to them. Then again, I have 'normal' friends too.

    Terrible things happen to good people every day.
    Consequentially, I am not one of the good people.
    I am one of the terrible things.
    .



    Conclusion: Dinosaurs


  3. #23
    morose bourgeoisie
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    I've attracted them for years. Sometimes I wonder if I have a sign on my back that says : sociopaths welcome! I'm a pretty open person, and I must show this on my face for everyone to see, despite not trying to.
    And I'm kinda broken myself, so who am I to judge.

  4. #24
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nebbykoo View Post
    I've attracted them for years. Sometimes I wonder if I have a sign on my back that says : sociopaths welcome! I'm a pretty open person, and I must show this on my face for everyone to see, despite not trying to.
    And I'm kinda broken myself, so who am I to judge.
    If we're being real, I think we've all got a little brokenness in us. I think that's the fallacy of it all - "those guys over there are broken.......uhhh, but not me....no way....not me!" I was half-watching an old episode of Sx and the city last night and she was dating this recovering alcoholic. And she had some reservations about it, but then she reasoned with herself, "We're all recovering from SOMETHING! Whether it's alcohol, a bad childhood, a broken heart, or someone doing us wrong, or whatever." She realized that she was no different than him, even though society would say that he is a nutcase and she should stay away. Basically, "society" has no clue what they're talking about half the time.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  5. #25
    morose bourgeoisie
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    If we're being real, I think we've all got a little brokenness in us. I think that's the fallacy of it all - "those guys over there are broken.......uhhh, but not me....no way....not me!" I was half-watching an old episode of Sx and the city last night and she was dating this recovering alcoholic. And she had some reservations about it, but then she reasoned with herself, "We're all recovering from SOMETHING! Whether it's alcohol, a bad childhood, a broken heart, or someone doing us wrong, or whatever." She realized that she was no different than him, even though society would say that he is a nutcase and she should stay away. Basically, "society" has no clue what they're talking about half the time.
    To be honest, some of my favorite people on this planet have been badly broken. I can't help but feel empathetic towards them. I want friendships that are real. That's the main reason I don't do facebook.

  6. #26
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nebbykoo View Post
    To be honest, some of my favorite people on this planet have been badly broken. I can't help but feel empathetic towards them. I want friendships that are real. That's the main reason I don't do facebook.
    Haha.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  7. #27
    Anew Leaf
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    Quote Originally Posted by nebbykoo View Post
    To be honest, some of my favorite people on this planet have been badly broken. I can't help but feel empathetic towards them. I want friendships that are real. That's the main reason I don't do facebook.


    p.s. you are a much nicer INFP than I am.

  8. #28
    Glycerine
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    Anyone who is a good listener and willing to listen to others will tend to have this problem if boundaries are not put up. Although I can be emotionally intense on the forum sometimes, in real life, I am the person that people with fucked up pasts and situations tend to gravitate towards. Also, I am the person that people who tend to be in a counselor position for others will tend to come to. My problem is that I show that I actually care and will inadvertently let people vent for as long they need to.

  9. #29
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    Looks like I'm still stuck with the first part, haven't moved on yet to the second.

    A lot of mostly normal people often find me intimidating (which has been ascribed to an intense facial expression, "scary" eyes, and a somewhat distant personal manner among other things) but "fucked up" people sniff me out almost immediately, move in, and consume my life.

    Hmm.

  10. #30
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glycerine View Post
    Anyone who is a good listener and willing to listen to others will tend to have this problem if boundaries are not put up. Although I can be emotionally intense on the forum sometimes, in real life, I am the person that people with fucked up pasts and situations tend to gravitate towards. Also, I am the person that people who tend to be in a counselor position for others will tend to come to. My problem is that I show that I actually care and will inadvertently let people vent for as long they need to.
    You don't think NFs have a higher tendency to attract that?
    I mean, most everyone provides an ear to friends or family, but random students on campus, strangers on the sidewalk, anonymous internet contacts, etc...?

    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    I think, honestly, it isn't just an NF or INFP thing... I think like attracts like. If you have low self-esteem, have problems... you are more likely to stick to someone else who has the same issues. Conversely if you have yourself together... you are more likely than not to attract that same kind of person into your life.
    What if it's more of a perception issue? You are not broken, but perceive yourself to be (enneagram 4 tendency), leaving you open to broken people.... I really don't think I was all that broken when younger. I was shy & awkward, but not unstable like some of the people I dealt with. In a way, those experiences made me aware that I was pretty stable & not as defective as I had imagined.


    Some of that process was because I shifted how I get self-esteem. Before, I felt like I wasn't a "good" person unless I helped people... and helping people meant I listened to their problems, and I didn't judge them, and I let them be as sad as they wanted to be.... and I thought, I am awesome! I am "helping" my friend! When in reality, I wasn't really helping anyone at all.

    In constrast, I get my self-esteem almost entirely from just within myself now. I still enjoy being a good listener for someone, but I am no longer willing to let someone complain ad infinitum about a problem that they themselves can solve.
    That's interesting, because I never had that motivation. I didn't care to or consciously seek to help people, and I definitely did not base my self-esteem on it. I sometimes felt foisted upon, like I had some moral obligation to the world to not just walk away. It would surprise me when I saw I could successfully comfort people, offer some words of wisdom, etc. I never saw myself as being empathetic or compassionate or dealing with people well. If anything, it made me question who I thought I was (previously envisioning myself as a grouchy loner).

    I always established my identity more by asserting uniqueness. I think identifying with broken people was a part of that. Feeling I could see something of value that others couldn't see.

    I've never been a "coddler" either, for the most part. I would listen to people vent, as I think it's an important "first step", but I was never "too nice" to not guide someone's thinking if I saw it as very off-track. I identify with the INFP titles "Healer" and "Harmonizer-Clarifier" now that I realize they indicate steering a process that while mostly soothing, can be a bit uncomfortable (healing) and identifying & finding a solution to the root problem (clarifying & harmonizing).
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

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