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  1. #1
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    Default INFP Girl Needs Advice on Getting Closer to INFP Guy

    I've been seeing this guy for 2.5 months or so. I'm the one who made the first move and asked him out online. We had a great first date and ended up kissing passionately for hours and we've seen each other every weekend since, and sometimes one night during the week as well. We communicate almost daily, usually IM-ing throughout the day at work. We had sex on Date 3 and it was and is great. We are both 35.

    I think he's awesome. When I'm with him I feel happy no matter what else is going on that day. He treats me really well. We have a lot in common and we haven't had any arguments or misunderstandings. The vibe between us is really sweet, yet it's kind of awkward in a way because for me there are a lot of butterflies and I get nervous, and he seems like that with me too. In fact, he seemed more confident in the very beginning, and a bit more reserved now, a bit shyer. Why would that happen? It seems like going backwards.

    He seems like he's been hurt in the past. He's referred to people he's dated in the past and so far mentioned two women he briefly dated (a few weeks or less) who had both pretty early on realized they weren't that into him. Both times he told me he didn't care that much. He's mentioned this a lot. I wonder why? Did he actually care and he's trying to deny it? Is he trying to seem a certain way to me, like non-emo or something? Is he trying to tell me he never really cares? Why?

    He had a GF in the past that moved away and that hurt him a lot, and a few other involvements here and there, but it seems like he hasn't had any major serious relationships in years. He's really low-key and not macho, and doesn't have a conventionally attractive look (although to me, he's extremely cute). He's not a pimp or player type, though he's confident and non-needy. He takes a while to get to know, and I think these other women might not have had the patience. He doesn't open up a lot, and we don't spend every waking moment together. We both have jobs and friends and hobbies.

    Usually with guys I date we get to know each other really fast and the relationships have escalated quickly (of course, they haven't lasted). I'm hoping the slower pace of my relationship with this INFP guy will mean that we really get to know each other well. However, his reserve (and my own, because I want so badly to impress him, lol) make it really hard to get to know each other. I don't want to try to force him to open up. I want to create emotional attraction. I want to feel more comfortable with him and him with me.

    I don't even feel comfortable saying something like "I missed you" or teasing him playfully, or telling him how much I enjoy his company. I feel totally shy! Once I told him he had gorgeous eyes and I could tell that he was flattered but uncomfortable. He seems to have a hard time taking compliments. He'll give them right back to me: "You're hot, INFP guy!" "No, you're hot, StillWaters!" that sort of thing.

    How can I bring us closer together and help make him more comfortable? He has a great sarcastic sense of humor, but seems to shy to tease me with it, so how can I joke around and put him at ease and flirt in a humorous way?

  2. #2
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    If you're both INFP that means you're probably both passionate, understanding, introspective, patient... so how could he be upset if you tried talking to him about all of your your concerns? Maybe he's thinking a lot of the same stuff you are. Are you very different outside of sharing the same personality type?

    I think you should ask him this stuff. How come not? You could do it subtly, with easy language like "you seem like [....]"-- I would probably suggest to do it while you're close or touching physically & feeling warm with each other. "You seem like you're shy a lot of the time", etc. You don't have to pry or ask him to divulge anything in a great soliloquy. Just bring things up almost like you think it would be fun to talk about.

  3. #3
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    My best friend is an INFP, and I know she gets uncomfortable with compliments, however if you're feeling the need to compliment try to make sure it's about something something he actually value in himself. Superficial things like a compliment on his hair probably won't go down as well as a compliment on one of his passions. INFP's also tend to be incredibly shy when it comes to confrontation. If you have something specific you want to talk to him about I suggest a very indirect approach, perhaps, "I feel like this when this happens [After some discussion of your feelings] How do you feel when that happens to you?" If you can help it don't even relate the problem specifically to interactions between the two of you.

    If it's nothing particular but a more general 'bring him out of his shell' type problem you're facing I'd suggest showing him he can trust you. Also if he's shy to tease you he may be wary of hurting your feelings; you might want to find a way to show him that you're not incredibly touchy. If you can't figure out a way to do it indirectly perhaps just a, "you know you can tease me, right?" with some fluttering eyelashes will do the trick.

    If I had one piece of advice for anyone dealing with an INFP is be conscious of their emotional vulnerability, but remember that they've dealt with people who are forward and direct their entire life like the rest of us. It's not absolutely necessary to baby them and walk on eggshells.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by neophytical View Post
    My best friend is an INFP, and I know she gets uncomfortable with compliments, however if you're feeling the need to compliment try to make sure it's about something something he actually value in himself. Superficial things like a compliment on his hair probably won't go down as well as a compliment on one of his passions. INFP's also tend to be incredibly shy when it comes to confrontation. If you have something specific you want to talk to him about I suggest a very indirect approach, perhaps, "I feel like this when this happens [After some discussion of your feelings] How do you feel when that happens to you?" If you can help it don't even relate the problem specifically to interactions between the two of you.

    If it's nothing particular but a more general 'bring him out of his shell' type problem you're facing I'd suggest showing him he can trust you. Also if he's shy to tease you he may be wary of hurting your feelings; you might want to find a way to show him that you're not incredibly touchy. If you can't figure out a way to do it indirectly perhaps just a, "you know you can tease me, right?" with some fluttering eyelashes will do the trick.

    If I had one piece of advice for anyone dealing with an INFP is be conscious of their emotional vulnerability, but remember that they've dealt with people who are forward and direct their entire life like the rest of us. It's not absolutely necessary to baby them and walk on eggshells.
    There is much wisdom in this post.

    I would add to not be so concerned about his past. Everyone has a past of some sort... it should be a non-issue as you both move forward into something new together.

    I would reiterate to be patient and just let the relationship flow. It sounds like it's going well... so why fix what isn't broken?

  5. #5
    Senior Member JivinJeffJones's Avatar
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    I think it's probably a good sign he's getting shyer and more reserved around you. The more intensely he feels about you the less he's going to be able to manage small talk and banter, until the relationship reaches a critical mass. I guess the other possibility is that he's trained himself not to expect good outcomes in relationships, so he's trying to distance himself emotionally to mitigate the pain of your impending loss of interest. Which is also a good sign. I can't really give you advice. I could see a slow, measured escalation working, but I could also see you taking the matter out of his hands and just moving in working too. Personally I'd initiate a Te style dialogue (if I can call it that): this is what I'm feeling, this is what I'm aiming for, where do we stand? I have no doubt that he's thought the situation through exhaustively with much second-guessing, so it might clear the air for him and remove any uncertainty which is getting in the way.

  6. #6
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    So I spent the night at his house last night (we spend our Saturday nights together unless one of us is out of town). We got into a conversation about pickup lines and such, and he told me that I had never seen him really flirt with a girl, since I had been the one to ask him out first. He said when he flirts with girls he likes, he teases and insults them and he mentioned he thought I wouldn't like that very much. He said he likes to sarcastically banter back and forth.

    I immediately started worrying that he finds me humorless and there's no spark for him. I didn't show it, I just playfully said he'd better start insulting me then, or I would think he didn't like me, and he laughed, and then the conversation moved on.

    It seems like everyone thinks something different when they talk about sarcastic banter. What's insulting to some people is flattering to others. I'm not sure how to do it with him since he's never tried it with me (but why hasn't he? I make it no secret that I love to laugh and I've never acted huffy or offended by anything he's said. I would really love some playful flirting and such with him). Insulting each other, though? I have no idea what he meant by that or if it even matters that much to him once there is an actual relationship. Your thoughts?

  7. #7
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StillWaters View Post
    So I spent the night at his house last night (we spend our Saturday nights together unless one of us is out of town). We got into a conversation about pickup lines and such, and he told me that I had never seen him really flirt with a girl, since I had been the one to ask him out first. He said when he flirts with girls he likes, he teases and insults them and he mentioned he thought I wouldn't like that very much. He said he likes to sarcastically banter back and forth.
    Hmm... something about that is strange & sort of off-putting to me... the way you relate it it seems like kind of a tone-deaf thing to say, & I'm trying to imagine a context in which I might say something like that... Do you come across as very sensitive? Like soft-spoken, gentle, with a quiet kind of demeanor... he could be telling you that he feels like he has to act differently around you, like he's still figuring out the 'right' way to act. You said he's had bad experiences in the past, so maybe he's just used to different kinds of girls. That teasing style of flirting is a more extroverted one, & since most people (therefore women) are extroverts even an INFP by age 35 would have at least some experience at it.

    I don't think he really meant 'insulting' though, because outright meanness as a flirting style is something I believe shy men are constitutionally incapable of, & I've only seen it 'work' on women who are kind of stupid & insecure anyway, so I wouldn't take it to heart...

    It seems like he's treating you delicately, but also... this seems like something you'd say to someone once you've become comfortable around them, especially comfortable in thinking they like you & that they won't judge you... since you said he's not macho & not a pimp or a player, he could be trying to tell you there's a wilder, more masculine side to him-- or, alternately, since you suspect he fears coming across as emo, maybe he's just putting up a front or exaggerating to seem like a normal guy..

    Well, good luck though, & don't worry too much about it & keep us updated hehe

  8. #8
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    Yay for the INFP-INFP match! Like Romeo and Juliet, you have the potential for a deep, passionate, committed relationship. My advice is to try not to shut yourself off from him if you become depressed or are having a bad day. And if you must, or need alone time, make it clear to him that it's because of no fault of his. He may be hurt at first but if he is mature enough he will understand.

  9. #9
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    Also, even if he doesn't seem to be opening up to you emotionally or impressed by you, there's a very good chance this shy sensitive guy does in fact think the world of you and worship the ground you walk on, he's just maybe having a hard time outwardly showing it.

  10. #10
    morose bourgeoisie
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    This is magical! Two super feelers together.
    It's also easy: just be yourself. He of all people will appreciate that.
    But remember, he is still male, and will be sensitive to anything that he percieves belittles his masculinity. So don't treat him like a girlfriend, even if he likes to go shopping with you, etc; feeler men are in a cultural catch-22 in this time and place, so try to be an oasis for him from the pressure to be a hypermasculine caricature.
    Compliment his masculinity sincerely. That will go a long way.
    !!

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