User Tag List

123 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 48

  1. #1
    Senior Member Lightyear's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    903

    Default How do you successfully compliment an Fi-dom?

    I normally show my appreciation for someone through words of encouragement but with the IxFPs in my life I have found it really hard to pay them compliments because they seem to find it so difficult to receive them. I try to keep it as low-key and sincere as possible in order not to overwhelm the person (I am certainly not going to proclaim loudly "You are AWESOME!" unless you are 3 years old.) but still the general reaction of the IxFPs tends to be that they turn away quietly in embarrassment as if I have just said something horrible.

    Since quite a few IxFPs seem to be a little bit neurotic about themselves and their abilities ("I am not this and I am not that,...") I love pointing out that they actually have a whole drawer full of beautiful qualities but when doing so I often seem to miss the mark, I pay them a compliment and they seem silently horrified. So I have tried to say nice things via text or email to give them some time to think and respond but I am still not sure if the message I am trying to convey ("You are great. Stop putting yourself down all the time.") is actually reaching the target.

    Any thoughts?

  2. #2
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    intp
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx
    Posts
    7,823

    Default

    say where they are good at(for example if he shows you some pic he drew, say that its awesome and hes good at drawing, that is if he actually is, dont try to fake compliments or they might think you are fake and compliment them on anything, even if you dont mean it), when they do something well etc. some single things, not just that they are awesome(in general). say that you appreciate him, on some single thing when he helps you(you appreciate him helping you, or you appreciate him in general because he is so helpful) or in general if there is a good situation for saying it.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

    Read

  3. #3
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    XNFP
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx/sp
    Posts
    2,170

    Default

    Do you know what means more to me, than a compliment or two? A thoughtful action, like getting me a coffee before I start hinting. Some thing that shows you are really paying attention to me...like if they are always forgetting a no. 2 pencil, always keep a spare or two just for them, or if they really like a particular thing, getiing them some thing in that theme. It's not necessarily what you've done or got....it's the indication that you actually pay attention to them.
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
    Real life awaits and she is a demanding mistress.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  4. #4
    Senior Member BAJ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    MBTI
    ISFP
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    631

    Default

    OP, oh I like you! I like if someone truly notices something, and compliments me, it's very nice.

    I think in the past, I was like you describe, but nowadays I'm more willing just to say, "Thank you"

  5. #5
    Uniqueorn William K's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    986

    Default

    Hmmm, not sure how to answer this...
    A personal touch would certainly be appreciated. Not necessarily something tangible like a gift but just a personalized compliment instead of a generic "You are good at X". For example, if you think that the Fi-dom contributed a good idea to a discussion, don't just say "You are so smart" instead say something like "I like your idea about X, that was very creative"
    Oh, and don't go for hyperbole like "You're the smartest, best thing since sliced bread"
    4w5, Fi>Ne>Ti>Si>Ni>Fe>Te>Se, sp > so > sx

    appreciates being appreciated, conflicted over conflicts, afraid of being afraid, bad at being bad, predictably unpredictable, consistently inconsistent, remarkably unremarkable...

    I may not agree with what you are feeling, but I will defend to death your right to have a good cry over it

    The whole problem with the world is that fools & fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. ~ Bertrand Russell

  6. #6
    Uniqueorn William K's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    986

    Default

    One other thought to add. To be successful in giving compliments, you need to know what that Fi-dom values. I tend to have 'values' that are contrary or at least different from the norm. What you think is a positive compliment may not be that to the Fi-dom, and vice-versa. A colleague just called me a complicated person this morning and it was a major compliment to me
    4w5, Fi>Ne>Ti>Si>Ni>Fe>Te>Se, sp > so > sx

    appreciates being appreciated, conflicted over conflicts, afraid of being afraid, bad at being bad, predictably unpredictable, consistently inconsistent, remarkably unremarkable...

    I may not agree with what you are feeling, but I will defend to death your right to have a good cry over it

    The whole problem with the world is that fools & fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. ~ Bertrand Russell

  7. #7
    likes this gromit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Posts
    6,652

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by BAJ View Post
    OP, oh I like you! I like if someone truly notices something, and compliments me, it's very nice.

    I think in the past, I was like you describe, but nowadays I'm more willing just to say, "Thank you"
    Yeah me too. I have worked to be able to graciously receive compliments. I also like when I agree with what the person is saying. I feel a lot better receiving that compliment if I think it's true, like if somebody says a painting is good, but I don't think it is good, then I have a hard time believing it, or I might be tempted to say that I didn't do xxx correctly or that a certain part of the painting didn't turn out well. Not that I'm trying to get them to counter what I'm saying; I'd rather the person agree with that than try to convince me otherwise. But if they don't agree, I just say thanks and move on or something.
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

  8. #8
    RDF
    Guest

    Default

    To my ear, compliments starting with the word “I” usually ring truer than compliments starting with the word “you.” For example, let’s say we dance a salsa together and you’re pleasantly surprised to find that I’m a good dancer. So you could compliment me two different ways: “You’re a great dancer!” vs. “I really enjoyed that dance!”

    Actually, nowadays I would be pleased by either compliment. But if I were a young, prickly Fi-dom, then I would probably be more pleased by the second compliment. The first one would almost make me want to argue: You’re judging me, and I really may not feel that I’m objectively a great dancer. But it’s hard to argue with the second statement: You’re just giving me a read-out on your feelings, and since they’re your feelings I really can’t argue with them. If I try to argue, you have every reason to argue back and explain at more length why you liked that dance. “No really! That was the best dance I’ve had all night! Can we dance another?”

    To sum up: Rather than you telling me something about me, I would rather hear you tell me something about you: Give me a read-out on how you experienced something that we did together. Then I’ll connect the dots and take credit for the experience to the extent that I contributed to it.

    It's a minor distinction. But if you use an "I" compliment, then you don't have to get defensive if the Fi-dom doesn't like it, because you're just giving her/him an honest read-out of your experience. Nothing wrong with that.

  9. #9
    Senior Member InTheFlesh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Enneagram
    CFV
    Posts
    276

    Default

    From what I've experienced, you have to be genuine, with everything from identify flaws to acknowledging what talents they have are. The fact that you want to find out how to compliment someone makes it seem like you're doomed to fail from the start.
    For example, one of my close friends is an INFP and often we talk about problems rooting from specific people in his life (He doesn't force the conversation that direction or anything), and we've had pretty extensive discussions concerning how people perceive his actions compared to how he does, which most of the time we end up coming to the conclusion that it's a problem he's created himself.
    Of course we have other conversations where compliments come in, like talking about writing music. He's heavily artistic and when he shows me his writing I'm never disappointed, and I let him know that he's insanely talented. This is where being honest comes in, because there are situations that we're able to see his faults without worrying about hurt feelings, it's evident that what I'm saying is genuine, thus the value of the compliment is multiplied.

    tl;dr - Don't be a kiss-ass saying nice things at every turn. Be a real person and what you say will have infinitely more value.

  10. #10
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    11,087

    Default

    Thanks for the practical advice, FineLine - this is something I haven't come across before and I think it will be useful to me. It's really hard when as a Fe aux, I really value compliments and knowing what other people appreciate about me. It's hard for me to keep from doing what seems natural to me as a pleasant thing and it is very genuine. It feels like a rejection of me when the person gets all prickly and I also hate to make them feel all awkward. This seems like a solution that could work well.

Similar Threads

  1. [E8] How do you deal with an aggressive 8 in the work place?
    By knight in forum Enneatypes
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: 07-24-2012, 09:20 PM
  2. How do you decide on an enneagram type?
    By Silveresque in forum Enneagram
    Replies: 72
    Last Post: 12-01-2011, 02:29 PM
  3. [ENTJ] how do you argue with an ENTJ?
    By miss fortune in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 136
    Last Post: 03-08-2008, 02:57 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO