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[Fi] How do you successfully compliment an Fi-dom?

Lightyear

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I normally show my appreciation for someone through words of encouragement but with the IxFPs in my life I have found it really hard to pay them compliments because they seem to find it so difficult to receive them. I try to keep it as low-key and sincere as possible in order not to overwhelm the person (I am certainly not going to proclaim loudly "You are AWESOME!" unless you are 3 years old.) but still the general reaction of the IxFPs tends to be that they turn away quietly in embarrassment as if I have just said something horrible.

Since quite a few IxFPs seem to be a little bit neurotic about themselves and their abilities ("I am not this and I am not that,...") I love pointing out that they actually have a whole drawer full of beautiful qualities but when doing so I often seem to miss the mark, I pay them a compliment and they seem silently horrified. :shrug: So I have tried to say nice things via text or email to give them some time to think and respond but I am still not sure if the message I am trying to convey ("You are great. Stop putting yourself down all the time.") is actually reaching the target.

Any thoughts?
 

INTP

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say where they are good at(for example if he shows you some pic he drew, say that its awesome and hes good at drawing, that is if he actually is, dont try to fake compliments or they might think you are fake and compliment them on anything, even if you dont mean it), when they do something well etc. some single things, not just that they are awesome(in general). say that you appreciate him, on some single thing when he helps you(you appreciate him helping you, or you appreciate him in general because he is so helpful) or in general if there is a good situation for saying it.
 

CrystalViolet

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Do you know what means more to me, than a compliment or two? A thoughtful action, like getting me a coffee before I start hinting. Some thing that shows you are really paying attention to me...like if they are always forgetting a no. 2 pencil, always keep a spare or two just for them, or if they really like a particular thing, getiing them some thing in that theme. It's not necessarily what you've done or got....it's the indication that you actually pay attention to them.
 

BAJ

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OP, oh I like you! I like if someone truly notices something, and compliments me, it's very nice.

I think in the past, I was like you describe, but nowadays I'm more willing just to say, "Thank you"
 

William K

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Hmmm, not sure how to answer this...
A personal touch would certainly be appreciated. Not necessarily something tangible like a gift but just a personalized compliment instead of a generic "You are good at X". For example, if you think that the Fi-dom contributed a good idea to a discussion, don't just say "You are so smart" instead say something like "I like your idea about X, that was very creative"
Oh, and don't go for hyperbole like "You're the smartest, best thing since sliced bread" :D
 

William K

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One other thought to add. To be successful in giving compliments, you need to know what that Fi-dom values. I tend to have 'values' that are contrary or at least different from the norm. What you think is a positive compliment may not be that to the Fi-dom, and vice-versa. A colleague just called me a complicated person this morning and it was a major compliment to me :tongue:
 

gromit

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OP, oh I like you! I like if someone truly notices something, and compliments me, it's very nice.

I think in the past, I was like you describe, but nowadays I'm more willing just to say, "Thank you"

Yeah me too. I have worked to be able to graciously receive compliments. I also like when I agree with what the person is saying. I feel a lot better receiving that compliment if I think it's true, like if somebody says a painting is good, but I don't think it is good, then I have a hard time believing it, or I might be tempted to say that I didn't do xxx correctly or that a certain part of the painting didn't turn out well. Not that I'm trying to get them to counter what I'm saying; I'd rather the person agree with that than try to convince me otherwise. But if they don't agree, I just say thanks and move on or something.
 
R

RDF

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To my ear, compliments starting with the word “I” usually ring truer than compliments starting with the word “you.” For example, let’s say we dance a salsa together and you’re pleasantly surprised to find that I’m a good dancer. So you could compliment me two different ways: “You’re a great dancer!” vs. “I really enjoyed that dance!”

Actually, nowadays I would be pleased by either compliment. But if I were a young, prickly Fi-dom, then I would probably be more pleased by the second compliment. The first one would almost make me want to argue: You’re judging me, and I really may not feel that I’m objectively a great dancer. But it’s hard to argue with the second statement: You’re just giving me a read-out on your feelings, and since they’re your feelings I really can’t argue with them. If I try to argue, you have every reason to argue back and explain at more length why you liked that dance. “No really! That was the best dance I’ve had all night! Can we dance another?” :)

To sum up: Rather than you telling me something about me, I would rather hear you tell me something about you: Give me a read-out on how you experienced something that we did together. Then I’ll connect the dots and take credit for the experience to the extent that I contributed to it.

It's a minor distinction. But if you use an "I" compliment, then you don't have to get defensive if the Fi-dom doesn't like it, because you're just giving her/him an honest read-out of your experience. Nothing wrong with that. :)
 

InTheFlesh

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From what I've experienced, you have to be genuine, with everything from identify flaws to acknowledging what talents they have are. The fact that you want to find out how to compliment someone makes it seem like you're doomed to fail from the start.
For example, one of my close friends is an INFP and often we talk about problems rooting from specific people in his life (He doesn't force the conversation that direction or anything), and we've had pretty extensive discussions concerning how people perceive his actions compared to how he does, which most of the time we end up coming to the conclusion that it's a problem he's created himself.
Of course we have other conversations where compliments come in, like talking about writing music. He's heavily artistic and when he shows me his writing I'm never disappointed, and I let him know that he's insanely talented. This is where being honest comes in, because there are situations that we're able to see his faults without worrying about hurt feelings, it's evident that what I'm saying is genuine, thus the value of the compliment is multiplied.

tl;dr - Don't be a kiss-ass saying nice things at every turn. Be a real person and what you say will have infinitely more value.
 

Fidelia

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Thanks for the practical advice, FineLine - this is something I haven't come across before and I think it will be useful to me. It's really hard when as a Fe aux, I really value compliments and knowing what other people appreciate about me. It's hard for me to keep from doing what seems natural to me as a pleasant thing and it is very genuine. It feels like a rejection of me when the person gets all prickly and I also hate to make them feel all awkward. This seems like a solution that could work well.
 

Lightyear

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To my ear, compliments starting with the word “I” usually ring truer than compliments starting with the word “you.” For example, let’s say we dance a salsa together and you’re pleasantly surprised to find that I’m a good dancer. So you could compliment me two different ways: “You’re a great dancer!” vs. “I really enjoyed that dance!”

Actually, nowadays I would be pleased by either compliment. But if I were a young, prickly Fi-dom, then I would probably be more pleased by the second compliment. The first one would almost make me want to argue: You’re judging me, and I really may not feel that I’m objectively a great dancer. But it’s hard to argue with the second statement: You’re just giving me a read-out on your feelings, and since they’re your feelings I really can’t argue with them. If I try to argue, you have every reason to argue back and explain at more length why you liked that dance. “No really! That was the best dance I’ve had all night! Can we dance another?” :)

To sum up: Rather than you telling me something about me, I would rather hear you tell me something about you: Give me a read-out on how you experienced something that we did together. Then I’ll connect the dots and take credit for the experience to the extent that I contributed to it.

It's a minor distinction. But if you use an "I" compliment, then you don't have to get defensive if the Fi-dom doesn't like it, because you're just giving her/him an honest read-out of your experience. Nothing wrong with that. :)

I like that a lot. How about instead of saying: "You are beautiful." I say: "I think you are beautiful." Does that work, since you can't exactly argue with my perception of beauty? I know that's a bit general but am just wondering.
 

Santosha

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I may not be Fi dom, i really love compliments! But I can sense when its forced or not. I think instead of saying something like "that drawing is really cool" you might want to say something like "the way you did this or that or mixed the colors is brilliant!" Throw in some details that show you are really looking and thinking about it, not being general.

I don't think this is exclusive to INFP's, I notice that many other types really appreciate compliments with thought.

Edit: One exception is if you are entirely in the moment. If someone is entireley in the moment, and a compliment just falls out without any pre meditated thought.. then i can tell its genuine and its just as good.
 
A

Anew Leaf

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I appreciate any compliment that is given sincerely and stems from a genuine desire to either express thoughts and feelings to me, or to simply try and help perk my day up.

However, I notice that with Fe users (primarily Dom and Aux)... that there is then an expectation attached with a string onto these compliments like a balloon threatening to pop in my ear.

Example:
ENFJ friend: You're so awesome! Thanks for helping me out today!
Me: *smile* You're welcome.
ENFJ: No really! I couldn't have done today without you!!!!!!
Me: *smile begins to fade* Ah, no problem, what are friends for!
ENFJ: You're just such an awesome friend! I am so glad to have you!!!
Me: *thinking to self, are we both speaking English right now?* Ok, got it... so... moving on...
ENFJ: Can I just hug you? *hugs me while speaking*
Me: Uh, yeah, hugs are nice.


I guess with me some general guidelines would be:

1- Keep it simple.
2- Keep it relevent.
3- Keep it short (if I want to hear more I will strongly hint at it).
4- Keep it genuine.

Step 5 - profit from a happy, affectionate INFP who will run out and start baking you cookies or something.
 

the state i am in

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ya know, i'm not an ifp and maybe they have a lot of particular sensitivities to deal with, but personally, the sense of a compliment just seems to work if the person can grasp your context somewhat. then it pretty much always works. their own level of interest and enthusiasm also provides not really just reinforcement but substance to the acceptance and personal connection that can come from such a shared valuation.
 
R

RDF

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I like that a lot. How about instead of saying: "You are beautiful." I say: "I think you are beautiful." Does that work, since you can't exactly argue with my perception of beauty? I know that's a bit general but am just wondering.

Um, in this case I think the compliment doesn't work because it's too vague. To illustrate my point: If you turn it into an insult, I think the problem will be more obvious: You say to me, "I think you suck." I'm not really hurt by that, because I don't give you the right to judge me. It's the same with a vague compliment; it misses the mark because I'm not really sure you're really in a position to judge me and find me truly and objectively "beautiful." Frankly, it sounds like feel-good fluff.

Compliments and insults both miss the mark when they're vague, and they hit the mark when they're specific.

Try taking your compliments and rooting them in the actual experience you've had with that person. Try putting the word "because" on the end. Try saying to someone ""I think you are beautiful because..." and fill in the blank. Example: "I think you're beautiful because you were so generous and helped me with my homework." Or if you're talking about actual physical beauty: "I think you're beautiful because you always make an effort to look your best and you do it with good taste."

Thanks for the practical advice, FineLine - this is something I haven't come across before and I think it will be useful to me. It's really hard when as a Fe aux, I really value compliments and knowing what other people appreciate about me. It's hard for me to keep from doing what seems natural to me as a pleasant thing and it is very genuine. It feels like a rejection of me when the person gets all prickly and I also hate to make them feel all awkward. This seems like a solution that could work well.

It seems funny to me that INFJs would need to be tutored on these points, with their hypersensitivity to social cues. :) But maybe it goes to the heart of Fi vs. Fe or something. (Or maybe other types just don't care so much how an Fi-dom is affected by a compliment.) Anyway, glad I could help. :)
 

Fidelia

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I appreciate any compliment that is given sincerely and stems from a genuine desire to either express thoughts and feelings to me, or to simply try and help perk my day up.

However, I notice that with Fe users (primarily Dom and Aux)... that there is then an expectation attached with a string onto these compliments like a balloon threatening to pop in my ear.

Example:
ENFJ friend: You're so awesome! Thanks for helping me out today!
Me: *smile* You're welcome.
ENFJ: No really! I couldn't have done today without you!!!!!!
Me: *smile begins to fade* Ah, no problem, what are friends for!
ENFJ: You're just such an awesome friend! I am so glad to have you!!!
Me: *thinking to self, are we both speaking English right now?* Ok, got it... so... moving on...
ENFJ: Can I just hug you? *hugs me while speaking*
Me: Uh, yeah, hugs are nice.


I guess with me some general guidelines would be:

1- Keep it simple.
2- Keep it relevent.
3- Keep it short (if I want to hear more I will strongly hint at it).
4- Keep it genuine.

Step 5 - profit from a happy, affectionate INFP who will run out and start baking you cookies or something.

Fi just seems like such a different world. You people tend to be much less needful of other people's validation of yourself or your feelings, whereas Fe uses other people to mirror back who they are so they can make adjustments (or decide things are fine as is). Because it's an extraverted function, we truly can't do that alone.

It's not that I expect someone to compliment me back when I compliment them. It's just that somehow the kind of conversation you describe is like putting yourself out there and declaring your love for someone and then them just saying, "Thanks" and turning away. It's not that you say I love you for an expression of their undying love, but rather that the response (to Fe) is the only way we get a good sense of the temperature. If we were to respond in the sort of manner you describe, we are refraining from saying something negative by saying nothing at all or very little or we feel terribly uncomfortable/distressed. Therefore, what sounds to you Saturn like your friend fishing for compliments, is just them looking for reassurance that it was okay with you for them to be that vulnerable. When you say very little back, it is perceived as us having messed up. By asking further, I would guess your friend is trying to figure out if that is truly the case or not and if so, where they went wrong by trying to get further response.

This was an issue of contention with an ESTJ and I. If I ever stated something that I appreciated about him, he'd make a big joke of it, or just say smugly, "I know". I finally told him (after two years!) that I felt stupid for even expressing anything to him. Because I don't compliment or appreciate someone insincerely and because it takes some vulnerability, it felt like a rejection of me every time he said "I know" or made it into a joke. Similarly, there was NEVER any spontaneous expression of "I really like this about you" or "I like it when you do this for me", leaving me feeling unsure if I was even a necessary part of the relationship or not. He just said he'd let me know if something was wrong. To me, it is already too late by then. I want to know BEFORE I've failed, not after.

I realize now that he just didn't know what to say back and that he also didn't have the need for mirroring back in that sense, as I did. Similarly, I missed that his Te statements of what he was going to do were actually requests for me to mirror back what I thought about it. Because I never voice anything until I'm pretty sure about what I think, I assumed he was the same. He thought it was obvious that he was looking for some feedback, while I thought he was just informing me of the course of action he had chosen.

I think I could have avoided a lot of problems if I had understood some of these basic differences in our personalities before. On the other hand, I don't know if I could deal with not getting that kind of feedback on a regular basis, nor being allowed to give it.
 

Fidelia

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@Fineline - I think sometimes INFJ Ni gets in the way and we miss the forest for the trees. Fi is also just a whole nother kettle of fish to me. I've learned a lot from you kind folks here, but it isn't intuitive to me.
 
R

RDF

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@Fineline - I think sometimes INFJ Ni gets in the way and we miss the forest for the trees. Fi is also just a whole nother kettle of fish to me. I've learned a lot from you kind folks here, but it isn't intuitive to me.

I understand. And I was kidding when I implied that INFJs should intuit this stuff--I deliberately put the smiley face there. Seriously, though, it goes to the credit of INFJs that you guys care enough to ask how you can compliment/communicate better with a given type.

[Edit:] BTW, I was interested in what you said to Saturned about using compliments as a way of mirroring and taking the temperature of a relationship. That's of interest to me in understanding Fe better.
 

Fidelia

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Oh, I know - I didn't take it as some kind of criticism, but rather as a sort of compliment.

Honestly, this has been the most help though I've found that I think I can work with. Most have said that doing something thoughtful (although only when it's wanted and doesn't seem intrusive, which I find hard to judge because it's kind of like bizarro world from how I do things) and preferably homemade is appreciated by Fi users. I'm not a cookie baker or a crafty person, although I am a good cook, but you can't cook for just anyone. You know?
 
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