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  1. #31
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Fe (theoretically) seems like a burden to me sometimes. even though it's easy and essentially second nature in real life, theoretically, i don't wanna have to come up with an answer to a compliment... 0_x;

    oh, but to the OP. i like (genuinely) complimenting INFPs and watching them squirm and blush.

    the couple of ISFPs i know, i've never noticed them getting very squirmy.

  2. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    Fe (theoretically) seems like a burden to me sometimes. even though it's easy and essentially second nature in real life, theoretically, i don't wanna have to come up with an answer to a compliment... 0_x;

    oh, but to the OP. i like (genuinely) complimenting INFPs and watching them squirm and blush.

    the couple of ISFPs i know, i've never noticed them getting very squirmy.
    I blush at the drop of a hat.

  3. #33
    Away with the fairies Southern Kross's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Fi just seems like such a different world. You people tend to be much less needful of other people's validation of yourself or your feelings, whereas Fe uses other people to mirror back who they are so they can make adjustments (or decide things are fine as is). Because it's an extraverted function, we truly can't do that alone.

    It's not that I expect someone to compliment me back when I compliment them. It's just that somehow the kind of conversation you describe is like putting yourself out there and declaring your love for someone and then them just saying, "Thanks" and turning away. It's not that you say I love you for an expression of their undying love, but rather that the response (to Fe) is the only way we get a good sense of the temperature. If we were to respond in the sort of manner you describe, we are refraining from saying something negative by saying nothing at all or very little or we feel terribly uncomfortable/distressed. Therefore, what sounds to you Saturn like your friend fishing for compliments, is just them looking for reassurance that it was okay with you for them to be that vulnerable. When you say very little back, it is perceived as us having messed up. By asking further, I would guess your friend is trying to figure out if that is truly the case or not and if so, where they went wrong by trying to get further response.

    This was an issue of contention with an ESTJ and I. If I ever stated something that I appreciated about him, he'd make a big joke of it, or just say smugly, "I know". I finally told him (after two years!) that I felt stupid for even expressing anything to him. Because I don't compliment or appreciate someone insincerely and because it takes some vulnerability, it felt like a rejection of me every time he said "I know" or made it into a joke. Similarly, there was NEVER any spontaneous expression of "I really like this about you" or "I like it when you do this for me", leaving me feeling unsure if I was even a necessary part of the relationship or not. He just said he'd let me know if something was wrong. To me, it is already too late by then. I want to know BEFORE I've failed, not after.

    I realize now that he just didn't know what to say back and that he also didn't have the need for mirroring back in that sense, as I did. Similarly, I missed that his Te statements of what he was going to do were actually requests for me to mirror back what I thought about it. Because I never voice anything until I'm pretty sure about what I think, I assumed he was the same. He thought it was obvious that he was looking for some feedback, while I thought he was just informing me of the course of action he had chosen.

    I think I could have avoided a lot of problems if I had understood some of these basic differences in our personalities before. On the other hand, I don't know if I could deal with not getting that kind of feedback on a regular basis, nor being allowed to give it.
    Its nice that you really want to show appreciation for others and to adapt your behaviour to suit their function needs. I wouldn't want an INFJ to get the impression that compliments are bad or inappropriate, or that such efforts are not appreciated. I do feel bad sometimes that I struggle give Fe users what they want or need in return.

    The main reason I struggle to accept compliments is that they make me feel so vulnerable. I can't fully explain why but it takes apart all that composure that I've got to great lengths to exude. I don't just think "oh that's nice", instead I'm concerned what they mean by it; I'm embarrassed by the attention (and am embarrassed about being embarrassed); I'm worried about looking vain or expectant of it; and I'm attempting to discern whether its justified or an exaggeration. All of this anxious, self-conscious, over-analytical thought is rather overwhelming and in the panic my instinctive response is often simply deflection or denial. Later on I may appreciate what was said, but in the moment I find all that earnestness directed toward me to be terrifying and disconcerting

    It weird that we both Fe and Fi feel vulnerable in that a moment but in such different ways
    INFP 4w5 so/sp

    I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas;
    they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind.

    - Emily Bronte

  4. #34
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    So in other words, it just sets off a storm of other possibilities and thoughts that make it difficult for you to act in the moment, just like we feel put on the spot when asked to articulate Ti thoughts in the heat of a discussion without time to mull first?

    I can understand that feeling and why it may be unpleasant or at least uncomfortable.

  5. #35
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    To be honest, Fe leaves me feeling extremely inadequate at times. I try hard to accept compliments, to give compliments, to show my love for people... And sometimes it's still not enough. That's my main frustration.

    The example I gave was an exaggerated made up scenario, but it's kind of how I feel at times. The same amount of emotion should not be required for when I help someone move a chair, as it is when I make something for them by hand.

    What you say makes sense, fidelia. I'm just not sure there is a magical solution between the two.
    Aw, I'm sorry about that too! I've heard more than one Fi user express those sentiments. I guess I've been pondering how Fe and Fi can co-exist in a fulfilling happy way in a close relationship too.

  6. #36
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Fi-doms dont need excuses
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  7. #37
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    Oh well, I'm just wrapping up here. Just to make a comparison:

    At it’s horrifying worst, Fe can sound like “The Goofy Gophers” of LoonyToons fame (see links below). Fe can sound glib and prattling and cheerleader-ish. Better-targeted, more thoughtful compliments might help.

    Gopher Broke: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1USpOjzqik
    Two Gophers from Texas: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNhY93UsC0I

    OTOH, I fully realize that Fi can be horribly deficient when it comes to maintaining relationships. We Fi types are better at loving mankind from a distance than from close up. Even when we try to be whimsical and fluffy, it comes out ostentatious and self-centered: “Watch me fart a rainbow for you!” Many of us Fi types could stand to demonstrate more awareness of the other person: “I love what you’re doing with that! Tell me more about it!”

    As for compliments, there’s an old ettiquette rule that when you receive a compliment, you’re supposed to thank the person and then give them one right back. Like Christmas cards. I know it seems kind of mechanical, but as I grow older I can increasingly see the use of these little courtesy rules.

    Anyway, when I get stuck for a return compliment, I think of the lyrics of an old song by T Rex called “The Motivator.” It basically just inventories a person’s attributes and comes up with odd little poetic comparisons. It’s just a little reminder for me: Compliments don’t need to be big, and they don’t need to make perfect sense. They just need to show that you checked the other person out, you're acknowledging them, and that maybe you have a little poetry in your soul. It's not going to work for everyone, but it works for me.

    The Motivator

    I love the way you walk
    Don't you know you're
    a cool motivator
    Love the way you walk
    Love the way you walk

    I love the way your eye
    It doth shine like
    an Egyptian ruby
    Love the way it shines
    Love the way it shines
    Shine on

    I love the clothes you wear
    They're so mean they're so free
    they're so handsome
    Love the clothes you wear
    Love the clothes you wear

    I love the broken crown
    The one you stole from the King
    and held for ransom
    Love the broken crown
    Love the broken crown
    I love it

    I love the golden cat
    You know the one that you
    keep in your bedroom
    Love the golden cat
    Love the golden cat

    I love the velvet hat
    You know the one that
    caused a revolution
    Love the velvet hat
    Love the velvet hat
    I love it

  8. #38
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Aw, I'm sorry about that too! I've heard more than one Fi user express those sentiments. I guess I've been pondering how Fe and Fi can co-exist in a fulfilling happy way in a close relationship too.
    actually. it occurs to me that ENFJ bff and i don't compliment one another much, not directly. usually i'll compliment a thing of hers, and she'll joke about being jealous of something of mine, but we don't do real compliments very much. i think we end up demonstrating appreciation for one another in other ways... being supportive, in particular. we both acknowledge our own strong points and the other's strong points and use them to help the other. i think people might wonder about our relationship from the outside though, we're not always very conventionally "nice"...



    i guess my point being that sometimes i think it's easier when we skate over stuff like that and just sort of get to the heart of the F matter, which is appreciating one another. i feel like our relationship is a lot of delicate nonverbal communication of understanding. NFs are complicated!

    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine

  9. #39

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    I was thinking about this on the way home... I'm maybe a bit iffy on being complimented. Praise is pretty addictive. I think the stick is easier to bear than having the carrot taken away. What do you think?

  10. #40
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    LOL. How sad that Fi users see Fe users in this light. Although it's insightful to watch - it shows me that it just feels overdone for you guys.

    The hard part for the Fe user is that the only alternative is for the Fe user to just stop giving compliments/showing affection/being Fe (so as to not make the Fi user feel uncomfortable). So, then you have 2 partners who just don't verbalize any feeling. They just walk around thinking to themselves, "I really love that person over there. I'm just not going to tell them." So, you'll have 2 partners who are like, "Hey, did you rake the leaves in the front yard?" "Yes, I did. Are there any other chores to be done?" "Yes. Laundry." "OK, I'll go do it now." But, the whole time they're both feeling lots of inner emotion - it just never gets verbalized.

    I can't speak for other Fe users, but for me it always felt like, "If you feel it, why not just say it." I see no good reason to hold it back or to NOT say it. Then again, I can relate to not always verbalizing Ti, so it's probably similar to that. I'd bet that 75-80% of Ti thoughts are never spoken.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

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