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  1. #21
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Fi just seems like such a different world. You people tend to be much less needful of other people's validation of yourself or your feelings, whereas Fe uses other people to mirror back who they are so they can make adjustments (or decide things are fine as is). Because it's an extraverted function, we truly can't do that alone.

    It's not that I expect someone to compliment me back when I compliment them. It's just that somehow the kind of conversation you describe is like putting yourself out there and declaring your love for someone and then them just saying, "Thanks" and turning away. It's not that you say I love you for an expression of their undying love, but rather that the response (to Fe) is the only way we get a good sense of the temperature. If we were to respond in the sort of manner you describe, we are refraining from saying something negative by saying nothing at all or very little or we feel terribly uncomfortable/distressed. Therefore, what sounds to you Saturn like your friend fishing for compliments, is just them looking for reassurance that it was okay with you for them to be that vulnerable. When you say very little back, it is perceived as us having messed up. By asking further, I would guess your friend is trying to figure out if that is truly the case or not and if so, where they went wrong by trying to get further response.

    This was an issue of contention with an ESTJ and I. If I ever stated something that I appreciated about him, he'd make a big joke of it, or just say smugly, "I know". I finally told him (after two years!) that I felt stupid for even expressing anything to him. Because I don't compliment or appreciate someone insincerely and because it takes some vulnerability, it felt like a rejection of me every time he said "I know" or made it into a joke. Similarly, there was NEVER any spontaneous expression of "I really like this about you" or "I like it when you do this for me", leaving me feeling unsure if I was even a necessary part of the relationship or not. He just said he'd let me know if something was wrong. To me, it is already too late by then. I want to know BEFORE I've failed, not after.

    I realize now that he just didn't know what to say back and that he also didn't have the need for mirroring back in that sense, as I did. Similarly, I missed that his Te statements of what he was going to do were actually requests for me to mirror back what I thought about it. Because I never voice anything until I'm pretty sure about what I think, I assumed he was the same. He thought it was obvious that he was looking for some feedback, while I thought he was just informing me of the course of action he had chosen.

    I think I could have avoided a lot of problems if I had understood some of these basic differences in our personalities before. On the other hand, I don't know if I could deal with not getting that kind of feedback on a regular basis, nor being allowed to give it.
    Fidelia, you summed up my thoughts quite well here. Even though my Fe is puny compared to yours, it still rings true. In a past relationship, I would compliment my Fi-ex and she would just say "thanks". I guess it would be similar if an ENTP started telling a really cool Ne story and the other person was just like, "Whatever. That's cool." I don't know - I got to a point where it was like I just wasn't getting anything back and so it's like why even say anything anymore? Why even compliment them at all? I mean, my compliments were never fake - they were always real - I just loved the girl and I wanted to let her know. I can see how one person's "not enough" is another person's "too much", but I mean, if I can't get anything back from you - I start feeling like maybe I should just leave you to yourself and see you next week. It's like you said - you start thinking, "Hmmmm...did I mess up? Did I say something wrong? Maybe she's not feeling good and just doesn't want to talk? What is it?"

    So, yeah, when Fi doesn't say much, the Fe user sometimes might feel like, "Oh well, I guess I just won't use Fe with this person anymore. We just won't let each other know how we feel - we won't communicate on that level - we'll just stay to ourselves." If she's going to stay quiet, then so will I. Cuz, in the long run, I can't keep expressing affection and compliments and love and all those things if I just get "Thanks" in return. Instead, I'll just shut down Fe and we just won't talk about those things. It's gotta be a 2-way street, mutual communication.

    Edit: And I don't say "I'll shut down my Fe" as a way to punish the Fi user. It's just that nothing is being reciprocated so I feel like I'm a broken record - always expressing myself, while nothing is said back. So, it's like "why bother?"
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  2. #22
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    Yeah, I'm trying to lose weight, myself. Personally, I would prefer a well-crafted compliment.
    You look dazzling in your wrestling mask. Do you have matching bottoms?
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    Fidelia, you summed up my thoughts quite well here. Even though my Fe is puny compared to yours, it still rings true. In a past relationship, I would compliment my Fi-ex and she would just say "thanks". I guess it would be similar if an ENTP started telling a really cool Ne story and the other person was just like, "Whatever. That's cool." I don't know - I got to a point where it was like I just wasn't getting anything back and so it's like why even say anything anymore? Why even compliment them at all? I mean, my compliments were never fake - they were always real - I just loved the girl and I wanted to let her know. I can see how one person's "not enough" is another person's "too much", but I mean, if I can't get anything back from you - I start feeling like maybe I should just leave you to yourself and see you next week. It's like you said - you start thinking, "Hmmmm...did I mess up? Did I say something wrong? Maybe she's not feeling good and just doesn't want to talk? What is it?"

    So, yeah, when Fi doesn't say much, the Fe user sometimes might feel like, "Oh well, I guess I just won't use Fe with this person anymore. We just won't let each other know how we feel - we won't communicate on that level - we'll just stay to ourselves." If she's going to stay quiet, then so will I. Cuz, in the long run, I can't keep expressing affection and compliments and love and all those things if I just get "Thanks" in return. Instead, I'll just shut down Fe and we just won't talk about those things. It's gotta be a 2-way street, mutual communication.

    Edit: And I don't say "I'll shut down my Fe" as a way to punish the Fi user. It's just that nothing is being reciprocated so I feel like I'm a broken record - always expressing myself, while nothing is said back. So, it's like "why bother?"
    To be honest, I agree. As a relationship ages, INFP can strip down interactions to the point where they are communicating only what they themselves deem essential. And since serious stuff is considered more important than frivolous stuff, it can result in an INFP exuding kind of an angry, punitive vibe all the time. I’ve done it myself, and I’ve had other INFPs do it to me. INFPs need to remember to lighten up, that others need some fluff feedback at times.

    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    You look dazzling in your wrestling mask. Do you have matching bottoms?
    Thank you very much, I’m flattered. To answer your question: Absolutely. Us Mexican wrestlers are always very fashion-conscious.

    Love your well-groomed coat and menacing canines. Hang onto that roll of toilet paper till you get everything that’s coming to you.

  4. #24
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    To be honest, I agree. As a relationship ages, INFP can strip down interactions to the point where they are communicating only what they themselves deem essential. And since serious stuff is considered more important than frivolous stuff, it can result in an INFP exuding kind of an angry, punitive vibe all the time. I’ve done it myself, and I’ve had other INFPs do it to me. INFPs need to remember to lighten up, that others need some fluff feedback at times.



    Thank you very much, I’m flattered. To answer your question: Absolutely. Us Mexican wrestlers are always very fashion-conscious.

    Love your well-groomed coat and menacing canines. Hang onto that roll of toilet paper till you get everything that’s coming to you.
    Haha. Thank you for reciprocating my Fe with such wonderful compliments. I love you.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  5. #25
    Senior Member Viridian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Fi just seems like such a different world. You people tend to be much less needful of other people's validation of yourself or your feelings, whereas Fe uses other people to mirror back who they are so they can make adjustments (or decide things are fine as is). Because it's an extraverted function, we truly can't do that alone.

    It's not that I expect someone to compliment me back when I compliment them. It's just that somehow the kind of conversation you describe is like putting yourself out there and declaring your love for someone and then them just saying, "Thanks" and turning away. It's not that you say I love you for an expression of their undying love, but rather that the response (to Fe) is the only way we get a good sense of the temperature. If we were to respond in the sort of manner you describe, we are refraining from saying something negative by saying nothing at all or very little or we feel terribly uncomfortable/distressed. Therefore, what sounds to you Saturn like your friend fishing for compliments, is just them looking for reassurance that it was okay with you for them to be that vulnerable. When you say very little back, it is perceived as us having messed up. By asking further, I would guess your friend is trying to figure out if that is truly the case or not and if so, where they went wrong by trying to get further response.

    This was an issue of contention with an ESTJ and I. If I ever stated something that I appreciated about him, he'd make a big joke of it, or just say smugly, "I know". I finally told him (after two years!) that I felt stupid for even expressing anything to him. Because I don't compliment or appreciate someone insincerely and because it takes some vulnerability, it felt like a rejection of me every time he said "I know" or made it into a joke. Similarly, there was NEVER any spontaneous expression of "I really like this about you" or "I like it when you do this for me", leaving me feeling unsure if I was even a necessary part of the relationship or not. He just said he'd let me know if something was wrong. To me, it is already too late by then. I want to know BEFORE I've failed, not after.

    I realize now that he just didn't know what to say back and that he also didn't have the need for mirroring back in that sense, as I did. Similarly, I missed that his Te statements of what he was going to do were actually requests for me to mirror back what I thought about it. Because I never voice anything until I'm pretty sure about what I think, I assumed he was the same. He thought it was obvious that he was looking for some feedback, while I thought he was just informing me of the course of action he had chosen.

    I think I could have avoided a lot of problems if I had understood some of these basic differences in our personalities before. On the other hand, I don't know if I could deal with not getting that kind of feedback on a regular basis, nor being allowed to give it.
    I actually relate quite a lot to what you write, fidelia, though it does bring up a conundrum... If Fe users are attuned to others' feelings and needs, why do they need that sort of constant reassurance? I kinda need it on account of feeling somewhat obstrusive...

    (That was a serious question. I do not mean to tease.)

    EDIT - PS: As of this post, I'm a puzzled IxFx.

  6. #26
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    To be honest, Fe leaves me feeling extremely inadequate at times. I try hard to accept compliments, to give compliments, to show my love for people... And sometimes it's still not enough. That's my main frustration.

    The example I gave was an exaggerated made up scenario, but it's kind of how I feel at times. The same amount of emotion should not be required for when I help someone move a chair, as it is when I make something for them by hand.

    What you say makes sense, fidelia. I'm just not sure there is a magical solution between the two.

  7. #27
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    What you say makes sense, fidelia. I'm just not sure there is a magical solution between the two.
    Probably just like any of the other functions. No 2 are quite alike and that's why there is always some level of misunderstandings between all people.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  8. #28
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Tell them how cute their cat is.



  9. #29
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    I give compliments, I like to do it, just sometimes receiving can be hard if it doesn't ring true. I just try to match the other person's level of enthusiasm when they say it.
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

  10. #30

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    There is this isfp description that says isfp give compliments when they are getting to know you. I do do that actually. The best way to compliment me is with cash donations, physical touch and praising my ability.

    For example, if someone reps "You're great at posting *high five emoticon* "I wish you lived closer, I'd buy you a beer" That'd make my day.

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