[INFJ] How to be in a relationship with an INFJ

[21%]

I've been thinking more about the OP's guidelines. The 'rules' might sound rigid, but I think actually there are only a couple of underlying things that are vital and perhaps INFJ-specific.

I'm never good at objective guidelines, so I'll share what I feel is important to me. Here goes a rather subjective take on what INFJs are like in relationships

Emotional Connectedness
This is probably the core of every relationship, but I seem to have a slightly unhealthy tendency to focus all my energy on it that all other factors become puny trivialities. I can be emotionally high-maintenance, but that's because I need to feel emotionally connected to you all the time. However, I'm not hard to handle if you know how. I know it's different for everyone, but actually all I need is talking. I don't care what we talk about, but talk to me. Share your ideas. Tell me how you are feeling. Ultimately, I want to understand everything about you, and I wish you would want to completely understand me as well, and then we can grow together, and become one whole unit of love and fuzziness. Anger outbursts, storming out on disagreements, not picking up your phone and not calling back, silent treatments, passive-aggressive responses when we try to fix things, defensive hurtful words, all these things indicate that you are shutting me out. The emotional connectedness is broken, and if that doesn't get fixed very soon or if it keeps happening, the relationship is no more.

Direction
I remember reading somewhere a long time ago about how INFJs want the "perfect relationship" and they will end the relationship if it falls short of their ideals. At that time I thought it was totally not true. Over time, though, I started to realize they might be on to something. Once I think about it, I have to admit that I'm not very good at "enjoying the journey". I do enjoy the journey, but only as long as it leads somewhere. However, I don't have the concrete definitions of what a "perfect relationship" is either, except that ultimately we should be able to achieve that mutual understanding and growth. So, there is definitely room for adjustments. I think a lot of INFJs will end a relationship if we don't see it going anywhere, such as when we perceive that the other party is uncommunicative or unwilling to move towards mutual understanding. The problem is, sometimes we forget to tell people this, and perhaps sometimes we are not even really conscious of this need in ourselves. More concrete examples would be people who don't know what kind of life they want and cannot say if they want the same thing, people who after years are still unsure about the relationship and still talk about hypothetical future partners, people who seem to be trying to keep their options open without including the INFJ in the picture -- this is very threatening to the INFJ's sense of direction and they usually end up leaving because they see no happy ending at the end of the road.

Vigilance
INFJs are very guarded. There are layers and layers and layers of guardedness. We are also easily spooked and we over-analyze everything. Because we have our eyes on the ultimate connection, anything that threatens that will be spotted and immediately 'fixed'. Ni also partly tries to foresee trends, so for us, "little things" are indicative of hidden "big issues". For example, one time my friends and I were discussing make-up, and I said that ideally no one should feel like they have to put on make-up. A guy friend laughed and said "Oh, but some women really need make-up", and I found that comment very disturbing and I secretly questioned his respect for women in general. We fret over these seemingly little things, and again, most of the time we will not tell you about it unless we know you fairly well and trust you or until we have found more information to support or eradicate our doubt.

Other Issues
A lot of people have mentioned INFJs' "high standards/expectations" and how INFJs try to "change" or "fix" them. I think I have already included that in my three points, but I feel I should elaborate a little more.

Actually it's not as much "high standards/expectations" as "growth", really -- and mutual growth at that. That's the only thing that matters. INFJs might seem pushy and judgy when something is not moving towards that growth, but I can assure you that with understanding, the judging is much, much less. So make sure you talk a lot and don't let conflicts go unresolved.

Once you're 'in', just be prepared for a lot of loving

 

[Crescent Fresh]

However, I'm not hard to handle if you know how. I know it's different for everyone, but actually all I need is talking. I don't care what we talk about, but talk to me. Share your ideas. Tell me how you are feeling. Ultimately, I want to understand everything about you, and I wish you would want to completely understand me as well, and then we can grow together, and become one whole unit of love and fuzziness. Anger outbursts, storming out on disagreements, not picking up your phone and not calling back, silent treatments, passive-aggressive responses when we try to fix things, defensive hurtful words, all these things indicate that you are shutting me out. The emotional connectedness is broken, and if that doesn't get fixed very soon or if it keeps happening, the relationship is no more.

I didn't know that this is a common issue among INFJs and always took it personally whenever this happens. Every word you've mentioned rings a true bell to me.

Thanks for posting this!

 

[Crescent Fresh]

The emotional connectedness is broken, and if that doesn't get fixed very soon or if it keeps happening, the relationship is no more.

To me, the doorslamming part doesn't have to do with feeling a waste of time or feeling bad about over-investing on someone, but the urge to stop feeling pain of being totally heartbroken as it is simply unbearable.

 

[janea]

Oh yeah! everything 21% said rings true for me as well. Also for my INFJ ex....all of that is spot on. Very nice post!

Crescent Fresh, I really relate to what you said about the doorslamming part. When it comes to very close relationships or romantic relationships, the only way I would consider the doorslam would be because I feel totally heartbroken and simply can't take anymore pain & hurt. However with friends that aren't really close, I've had a tendency to shut them out if I get to a point where I feel like the friendship requires too much of my energy and is not really going anywhere positive. I usually try to see the good in the relationship and give it the benefit of the doubt, so it takes me quite a while to finally shut the door on someone but if I eventually get to a point where I feel like it is a waste of my time and energy then I usually do shut them out eventually. So, for me I guess it's different depending on the type of relationship as far as why I ultimately doorslam them.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

Oh yeah! everything 21% said rings true for me as well. Also for my INFJ ex....all of that is spot on. Very nice post!

Crescent Fresh, I really relate to what you said about the doorslamming part. When it comes to very close relationships or romantic relationships, the only way I would consider the doorslam would be because I feel totally heartbroken and simply can't take anymore pain & hurt. However with friends that aren't really close, I've had a tendency to shut them out if I get to a point where I feel like the friendship requires too much of my energy and is not really going anywhere positive. I usually try to see the good in the relationship and give it the benefit of the doubt, so it takes me quite a while to finally shut the door on someone but if I eventually get to a point where I feel like it is a waste of my time and energy then I usually do shut them out eventually. So, for me I guess it's different depending on the type of relationship as far as why I ultimately doorslam them.

Actually I really don't want to paint a negative picture of INFJs whenever the doorslamming topic comes out. I think INJFs are just not good at giving criticism (even constructive) to people who they don't feel connected. I once had a friend and she just doesn't know when to hang up the phone even after I had dropped many obvious hints. She usually complain about her ex-boyfriends and 90% of the conversation revolves around her. The funny thing is when we gathered with other friends, she's quite talkative but not as much compared to phone conversation. I still remembered I had bared nearly 5 hours just to listen to her ranting about her past relationships. I honestly felt irritated, but also felt pity toward her. I think for INFJs we easily feel sorry for people and we try hard to persuade ourselves that when people choose you to vent, there's a reason behind it and it usually has to do with how easygoing, patience, and flexible (in terms of personal time) we are.

The problem is that when things started to become too dragging and sucking our energy excessively (usually negative energy), that's when we'll start to re-evaluate the relationship and comes up with the ultimate final decision---doorslamming.

I know this may sound egoistic to doorslam someone without giving them a proper reason, though what good will it do if that's something impossible to change? I wouldn't want someone to change his/her personality in order to "adapt" my sets of standards, especially when it comes to accquaintance, or friends who we didn't invest our emotion deeply.

Though if we do felt hurt and have a strong urge (Fe) to doorslam someone, that's usually a sign when we felt we're not being loved or being ignored by someone who we considered to be very important. This probably explains why INFJs can tend to be ultra-picky toward selecting their close friends as we want to reserve our energy only to those who deserve it as we can't risk our hearts being shattered...And unlike Exxx, our recovery isn't speedy at all, it takes at least a few months (well, in my case) to be fully recovered.

 

[CurlyJoe]

We are also easily spooked and we over-analyze everything.... Ni also partly tries to foresee trends, so for us, "little things" are indicative of hidden "big issues".

Yes! I agree that INFJs are easily spooked and that they see trends in little things, but I struggle with this. As an ISTP, I also analyze things and see trends, but one or two data points do not make a trend.

I feel that my INFJ girlfriend often overreacts. If I am unresponsive during a phone call and say that it's because I'm tired, she rarely takes that at face value. No, she has to read something else into it. There must be a problem in the relationship. I'm no longer interested. Whereas if she is unresponsive and says she is tired, I believe her and think nothing more of it. Only if it was repeated often would I look for other reasons.

I can be on my best behavior for months, but if I do one thing wrong, she will still be spooked.

Spending all of your time looking for hidden "big issues" may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[janea]

Spending all of your time looking for hidden "big issues" may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You have a very good point here! I tend to search for hidden meanings in a lot of things and rarely take things at "face value" but this has caused me problems in the past so, it's something I'm really working on. It's a tough one though because I really don't like to be surprised. I want to understand the meaning behind pretty much everything because there is this belief, or perhaps illusion, that if I do finally get to a point where I understand the meaning behind things then I feel adequately prepared and I feel "safe"... it's an illusion of security.

 

[Fidelia]

Yes! I agree that INFJs are easily spooked and that they see trends in little things, but I struggle with this. As an ISTP, I also analyze things and see trends, but one or two data points do not make a trend.

I feel that my INFJ girlfriend often overreacts. If I am unresponsive during a phone call and say that it's because I'm tired, she rarely takes that at face value. No, she has to read something else into it. There must be a problem in the relationship. I'm no longer interested. Whereas if she is unresponsive and says she is tired, I believe her and think nothing more of it. Only if it was repeated often would I look for other reasons.I can be on my best behavior for months, but if I do one thing wrong, she will still be spooked.

Spending all of your time looking for hidden "big issues" may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Lol - Try switching your responses around. She needs to take you at face value, and you should consider that maybe when she says she is tired, it could mean more.

INFJs generally want to be reasonable and fair and they are also likely to try to do more than share of accommodating, which in the end creates problems for both partners.

In the quest to constantly prevent problems and seem reasonable, they often end up creating problems and can be perceived by a thinking partner as overemotional.

Sometimes they are not sure if it's a big enough thing to bring up and are still trying to decide if the problem is a factor that originates with them (lack of sleep, other stressors, past hurts, lack of enough information to understand behaviour in context etc), or if they've exhausted everything within their power to improve their perspective or their feelings about the situation. They may also first try to change the situation to something that accommodates both people without disturbing the partner unnecessarily.

While they are doing all this, they sometimes underestimate how strongly they are feeling until the dam breaks and it all comes rushing out in an embarrassing and surprising mess. If there's a pattern that emerges of several little incidents that they have tried to deal with internally or they think they have brought up with you and they have gone unaddressed, they start to suspect that the problem lies with you or they start to question your feelings for them. Then all of these seemingly little incidents/statements/issues come up.

 

[INTPness]

Once you're 'in', just be prepared for a lot of loving

 

[OrangeAppled]

This thread is a bit frightening. Let's hope that INFJs use their knowledge of MBTI to grow as individuals and become better mates than those described in the OP.

haha....most of them are not that bad. I just hate it when they can dish it out but not take it. That's the biggest flaws in most INFJs I've known, and the worse it is, the harder they are to bear.

 

[janea]

haha....most of them are not that bad. I just hate it when they can dish it out but not take it. That's the biggest flaws in most INFJs I've known, and the worse it is, the harder they are to bear.

True... I think it depends on the maturity level of the person and how secure they feel...as other people have mentioned, it often times comes down to trust and how safe they feel....or if they're already insecure and have issues they need to work through on their own, then they're more difficult in general. But I think the very nature of an INFJ to constantly grow and improve themselves, as time goes on, the more mature they become, and the less "high-maintenance" they are, in general. Admittedly, the guidelines I posted are probably more in reference to INFJs who are a bit more on the immature/unhealthy side....and those who are more on the mature/healthy side probably aren't that bad.

But you are right on when it comes to the "dish it out but can't take it sort of thing". I've noticed that with all of the INFJs I know. They're pretty good at pointing out what a person should change about themselves but when they are faced with the same feedback, they have a hard time hearing it. I think this has to do with the fact that most INFJs are keenly aware of their own faults/issues/shortcomings, etc... and they're already very hard on themselves...what they really need is unconditional support and understanding from people, not further confirmation that they're not living up to their own standards.

 

[OrangeAppled]

But you are right on when it comes to the "dish it out but can't take it sort of thing". I've noticed that with all of the INFJs I know. They're pretty good at pointing out what a person should change about themselves but when they are faced with the same feedback, they have a hard time hearing it. I think this has to do with the fact that most INFJs are keenly aware of their own faults/issues/shortcomings, etc... and they're already very hard on themselves...what they really need is unconditional support and understanding from people, not further confirmation that they're not living up to their own standards.

INFPs are pretty much the same (keenly aware of own faults, respond better to encouragement than criticism), but I suppose we're more inclined to take the attitude that we should not nitpick others for the same reason. The set of double standards with some INFJs is the problem, IMO.

I also notice that INFJs DO have blind spots to some of their own faults, as anyone does. There's more of a resistance to see another's perspective than most people put up though.

 

[janea]

I also notice that INFJs DO have blind spots to some of their own faults, as anyone does. There's more of a resistance to see another's perspective than most people put up though.

Interesting observation! I would think that has to do with the J part....there's some rigidity there that most P's I know are not as prone to. It can be hard to see outside of our little box. I think we not only have a tendency to put other people in boxes but we put ourselves in boxes as well, trying to figure ourselves out and establish an identity (again having to do with security & safety) and that tendency can create "blind spots" like you mentioned.

 

[CurlyJoe]

Lol - Try switching your responses around. She needs to take you at face value, and you should consider that maybe when she says she is tired, it could mean more.

Of course, you're right. I know what needs to be done, but it's still difficult to communicate it a way that's opposite to your type. I can prepare like crazy by reading about personality types and by considering how I want to change my behavior, but when the rubber hits the road I often revert to type and only realize it later.

Once you're 'in', just be prepared for a lot of loving

Even though I've complained a little here, I do realize the big payoff that awaits should I successfully navigate the minefield.

 

[Viridian]

Is it just my imagination, or does a lot of stuff in the OP apply to INFPs as well? Perfectionism, guardedness, sensitivity, occasional unscrutability...

I swear, half the time in this forum it seems INFJs and INFPs are described as being completely different, and half the time they can be eerily similar...

 

[Anew Leaf]

@ viridian: my take.

1- I have high expectations for myself only. In a relationship, I want a man who has his own passions/hobbies in life that he can work towards. I don't care what "it" is or if he "succeeds" based on societies standards. If he is happy and it helps make him fulfilled... I can get behind that and believe in him.

2- I am critical of myself. I want my friends and loved ones to be content with themselves. They should follow their own inner compass not mine. If they want constructive criticism or need tough love, I can do that.

3- Yes and no. I try to keep things in perspective. But admittedly this is a weak area for me. Also if I am pmsing, its easier to lose sight of the horizon.

4- This is very true.

5- very true as well. I do my best to have my guy's back and I expect the same from him.

6- Very true as well. I am working on being better with conflict. It's another weak point of mine. So often I get full of emotion and it comes out as tears. I'm not trying to be manipulative at all... It just can't be helped always!

7- Yes and no. Another weak area of mine. I prefer conflicts occurring as they need to without unnecessary buildup. this is where I really appreciate a partner who is willing to be patient with me and who is naturally calmer during conflict. It helps make me speak up sooner and more often rather than bottling it inside for some ridiculously huge argument that could have been avoided.

8- In the past yes. Me currently, no.

9- In the past yes. Currently, insufficient data. This has been something I have mentally been working on trying to be aware of and address. It's not fair to either party if I do this.

10- I would say yes without the doorslam. I do the INFP doorslam if the person has crossed too many lines and hasn't learned to back off.

Interesting thread, Janea! I hope this was ok to respond to!

 

[Santosha]

I dated, lived with, and was engaged to an INFJ for about 5 years. I have never experienced anything close to what they call the "INFJ doorslam" and wonder if I/E nfp's might just be immune to it. Or I had a ridiculously persistent INFJ on my hands.

I also have not experiened this difficulty of getting INFJ's to open up, romantically. Friends are a different story. I think that when you get like partners together, in the case of NF-NF, alot of defense mechanisms just naturally fall down, without one even completely realizing it at the time.

In any of my NF-NF pairings, things came together very quickly. And while the infj and infp might seem to have all these pre-reqs of potential mates, I don't seem them play out as much IRL. It's easy to analyze this from afar, theoretically, but don't forget that both are tremendously romantic, wanting to be understood, and willing to go to hell and back for someone they love. So I guess what I'm saying is that it's possible that initially it looks hard, but once they have their minds set up, INFJ's will move fucking mountains to keep the relation. If that means they have to adjust expectations, be sometimes insanely tolerant, they do this. Mine did.

Edit: Oh ya, the one ENORMOUS exception.. INFJ's MUST have security. They carefully weigh up the potential and possibilities for the two of you to build the life that they have in their minds. If an INFJ falls in love with someone that is unable to do this, they are at a TERRIBLE cross-roads, and it can drive them quite literally insane. A healther INFJ might let you go, as they should.. and a less healthy INFJ will try endlessly to conform or mold you.

 

[Viridian]

@ viridian: my take.

1- I have high expectations for myself only. In a relationship, I want a man who has his own passions/hobbies in life that he can work towards. I don't care what "it" is or if he "succeeds" based on societies standards. If he is happy and it helps make him fulfilled... I can get behind that and believe in him.

2- I am critical of myself. I want my friends and loved ones to be content with themselves. They should follow their own inner compass not mine. If they want constructive criticism or need tough love, I can do that.

3- Yes and no. I try to keep things in perspective. But admittedly this is a weak area for me. Also if I am pmsing, its easier to lose sight of the horizon.

4- This is very true.

5- very true as well. I do my best to have my guy's back and I expect the same from him.

6- Very true as well. I am working on being better with conflict. It's another weak point of mine. So often I get full of emotion and it comes out as tears. I'm not trying to be manipulative at all... It just can't be helped always!

7- Yes and no. Another weak area of mine. I prefer conflicts occurring as they need to without unnecessary buildup. this is where I really appreciate a partner who is willing to be patient with me and who is naturally calmer during conflict. It helps make me speak up sooner and more often rather than bottling it inside for some ridiculously huge argument that could have been avoided.

8- In the past yes. Me currently, no.

9- In the past yes. Currently, insufficient data. This has been something I have mentally been working on trying to be aware of and address. It's not fair to either party if I do this.

10- I would say yes without the doorslam. I do the INFP doorslam if the person has crossed too many lines and hasn't learned to back off.

Interesting thread, Janea! I hope this was ok to respond to!

You seem to confirm my point in some ways, Sat. With each passing day, it seems to me more and more that there are quite a few different flavors of either type...

The stuff I read here, especially with INFP, seems almost schizophrenic at times. "INFPs are F dominant, so they're easily hurt by rejection", "INFPs have weak Fe, so they do their own thing and don't get worked up over what people think of them", "INFPs are driven by values, so they butt heads with others a lot", "INFPs value harmony, so they seldom verbalize their objections". Gah!

Sorry for the derailment, janea. :blushing:

 

[Lauren]

Interesting observation! I would think that has to do with the J part....there's some rigidity there that most P's I know are not as prone to. It can be hard to see outside of our little box. I think we not only have a tendency to put other people in boxes but we put ourselves in boxes as well, trying to figure ourselves out and establish an identity (again having to do with security & safety) and that tendency can create "blind spots" like you mentioned.

I see this in my good INFJ friend. I know she's more rigid than I about some things and I just let it pass. If I can't, then I'll tell her, gently. I think she's aware of what she's doing. I just don't have the same rigidity. But I always tell myself she's only trying to help. It's hard sometimes because I just want an ear for a while. Others want to fix. I don't need the fix, I just want to process and discuss. To lean on a good friend for a short while. But, because I know she wants me to snap out of the feelings/problem I'm dealing with, I will acknowlege her advice, her thoughts and then change the subject and ask about her life.

 

[Fidelia]

I dated, lived with, and was engaged to an INFJ for about 5 years. I have never experienced anything close to what they call the "INFJ doorslam" and wonder if I/E nfp's might just be immune to it. Or I had a ridiculously persistent INFJ on my hands.

I also have not experiened this difficulty of getting INFJ's to open up, romantically. Friends are a different story. I think that when you get like partners together, in the case of NF-NF, alot of defense mechanisms just naturally fall down, without one even completely realizing it at the time.

In any of my NF-NF pairings, things came together very quickly. And while the infj and infp might seem to have all these pre-reqs of potential mates, I don't seem them play out as much IRL. It's easy to analyze this from afar, theoretically, but don't forget that both are tremendously romantic, wanting to be understood, and willing to go to hell and back for someone they love. So I guess what I'm saying is that it's possible that initially it looks hard, but once they have their minds set up, INFJ's will move fucking mountains to keep the relation. If that means they have to adjust expectations, be sometimes insanely tolerant, they do this. Mine did.

Edit: Oh ya, the one ENORMOUS exception.. INFJ's MUST have security. They carefully weigh up the potential and possibilities for the two of you to build the life that they have in their minds. If an INFJ falls in love with someone that is unable to do this, they are at a TERRIBLE cross-roads, and it can drive them quite literally insane. A healther INFJ might let you go, as they should.. and a less healthy INFJ will try endlessly to conform or mold you.

I would agree with this. On here, I think ENFPs and INFJs tend to clash a little more than they do in real life, although some real life ENFPs seem kind of flighty to me and warm but occasionally distant at the same time. This would worry me a bit in a romantic relationship as I wouldn't be able to settle in and feel secure about them being around for the long haul, even though they would have the best of intentions.

I think Huxley really hit it on the head for me with the edit in the last post. This is much the position that I was in with my ESTJ. I would have been more likely to cut off the relationship earlier, but our lives were very intertwined socially and professionally living in a small isolated community and I really did care about him, even while I recognized our incompatibility in the most important areas of my life and some behaviours that were rather destructive. I did recognize that we couldn't have a future together outside that community, but I still turned myself inside out to try to get things to work well for the time we did have together. At the beginning he was trying hard to be what he thought I wanted, which I didn't want him to do. Then when he realized things weren't going to go as he envisioned, he increasingly started acting in ways that I didn't like or respect, which caused friction between us, but by then I was invested in the relationship and there were still times when I felt close to him, which kept me in. I certainly wouldn't have tolerated behaviour like lying or cheating or verbal abuse etc. It was more that the poorer choices were intermittent and weren't present until a couple years into the relationship (when he realized that we weren't going to be together forever). I think I've realized since then that insecurities (even when presented in a sure of oneself way) are extremely destructive and that until they've been addressed individually, there is no way for the relationship to operate well.

I also realize (as far as the future I envisioned) that I understood from the beginning that we were a poor match in that way. I had underestimated the power of proximity and meeting each others practical and emotional needs though, which resulted in emotional closeness that trumped intellectual understanding of what was or wasn't good about the prospects of our future together. The same concerns I had at the beginning (polar opposites re religion, goals in life, role of family, upbringing, basic world view, role of alcohol in socializing and entertaining, how we chose who to spend time with etc) were still very real concerns, despite him being very compatible in other ways, responsible, thoughtful, and smart.

Now, I'd be much more willing to experience the pain of saying good-bye to someone I care about than to spend both people's time in a relationship that can't really go anywhere. Certainly had you asked me before, I would have told you it is dumb to plan to break up some time in the future. It looked like that amount of time would be a matter of a few months, but it turned into a couple more years. He acted the way he did as a way of keeping from feeling too emotionally invested if we weren't going to be together forever, and yet some of the time he pursued that kind of closeness. I tried to think of a way that I could somehow make it work without giving up who and what I was all about. I was overaccommodating at the same time as being unable to give up the conclusion (blame Ni?) that in the long run we both would make each other quite unhappy and always be pulling in different directions, despite caring a lot about each other.